Gay Mormon

Resurgent Feelings

2009-12-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

Quick Update: I am doing well. I recently moved to New York City, which has been really fun so far. I am back in school, which has been busy. I'm also at the beginning of a relationship. Lots of "new" for me.

Last week, a good Mormon friend of mine came to visit. We had a lovely time together, but I was FURIOUS during one portion of the visit. Let me preface by saying she has always been extremely sympathetic and sweet regarding me and the gays. In fact, I think she almost enjoys that her good friend is gay. It's very fun.

That said, she's still very much a good Mormon girl. Anyhow, she was talking about a conversation she had with a co-worker, and she mentioned that gay supporters graffitied the Salt Lake temple after prop 8. I chuckled when she said that, and she was shocked that I would laugh. I was simply laughing because graffiti is a dumb way to respond to an election. Also, I was laughing because she was treating the graffiti as some heinous crime. Granted, it's not cool, but seriously a minor offense if you ask me.

After this little convo, I started to boil inside. All the feelings from prop 8 came rushing back, which was surprising because I thought I had moved on. I found myself enraged that my friend would consider graffiti such a horrible offense, yet she doesn't view the lying and deceit that Mormons engaged in in order to pass prop 8. I personally would prefer someone graffiti an LGBT center rather than lie and deceive in order to take away LGBT rights.

The irony of the situation is that we were on our way to church at the time. (No, I don't go to church anymore, and she offered to go by herself, but I actually wanted to see if there were any cute boys in the ward. There were a couple.) It was the first Mormon church service I had attended in more than a year. It reminded me that church is extremely boring and that I do love the hymns. That is absolutely my favorite part of church -- congregational singing. I miss that. Besides that, I don't miss a thing. Didn't miss the redundant and boring talks, the cheesy bishopric, the meat marketness of the singles wards, or the homogeneous crowd (I think there was one black guy there ... I suppose he represents the church's diversity.)

Anyhow, that's all I've got for tonight. Classes start far too early tomorrow, so I'm off. Hope the few remaining readers are well.

Motherly Troubles

2009-02-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

This one's gonna be a long one. I can feel it. Since I last blogged nearly a year ago, I have told everyone in my family. The only person left to tell was my mother, and I tackled that task last August. What a disaster. To be fair, it wasn’t an entire disaster, but I’ve been so frustrated with her ever since I told her – even more frustrated than I was prior to telling her.

It’s not that she has handled the news too poorly. It was difficult for her, but she has held up pretty well. The issue is with my expectations.

My mother has always been extremely close to me. The family always used to (note the past tense) joke that I was my mother’s favorite. A few years ago, that was very true. Now we have an extremely strained relationship that I consistently consider abandoning altogether. Clearly entertaining that thought is immature, but it’s something that goes through my head regularly.

Let me give a few details about my “coming out” to my mother. It started with an email from her:

Hi GM,

It was good to talk to you the other night and hear about your sky diving escapade. Glad you are safe cause it scares me to death to think of jumping out of an airplane even with an instructor or parachute!! I'll leave that stuff to you!!

Last night as I lay awake in bed not able to sleep, I got thinking about you and how much I love you. One time, when we were on our mission, I remember you telling me that my job as your mother was to love you unconditionally. That is not my job, that comes naturally as your mother. From the moment I gave birth to you and held you in my arms, I have had that natural love for you. You were born perfect and whole, every little finger, toe, eyes, ears & nose and perfect little body. You don't know how many times I thanked Heavenly Father for that and still do. I'm so grateful to have you for a son. I have felt a special closeness to you thru all the fun projects we did in your youth and high school. But I realize that my job as your mother was to teach you to love your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ so that you can return to him someday. I'm not sure I did that. I realize now that I didn't express my love & testimony to you of the Savior & Heavenly Father like I should have and how important the Gospel and family are in my life. The most important thing in my life is my family and having an eternal family by living the gospel. It took a mission for me to really understand the truthfulness of the Gospel. I was able to receive my personal witness of all the things I had believed all my life. I know that you once had a testimony of the Book of Mormon and gospel principles. I felt it as you returned home from your Mission. You have so much talent to be a great force in teaching and helping others. I hope you will use that talent in doing good and in living the way you should.

I hope you know I love you, GM, with all my heart, but my heart is broken over your choice to live the way of the world. I hope you will come back, just as you asked if Tim was coming back. That is so important to me. In the Book of Mormon, Alma was always counseling his sons to "Remember, Remember". In Alma 37:35-37, he gave some very wise counsel on remembering and I hope you will read it because it is wise counsel for us all. I hope you will remember where your blessings have come from all your life. You once wrote in letters that you couldn't believe how blessed you were. GM, you have had more opportunities and blessings than any of your siblings. Remember where they came from. You have had so many blessings come to you thru your Heavenly Father, don't forget them! I hope you will know that I write this because I love you and want you as my son now and thru all eternity. I love you.

Love,
Your Mom

My response to her email:

Dear Mom,

I love you so much. I am so grateful that I have you as my mother. I do not know a kinder, more patient, more humble human being on God's great Earth, and I can only hope to become half the person you are. You're an absolute angel, and I think that's why I've always been such a mama's boy -- I simply love being around angels. Plus, not only are you sweet, but you're also fun. Many of my fondest memories are of you and me laughing together. I, too, have always felt especially close to you, and because of your love I've always striven to make you proud.

But I've failed on one front. And I know that your heart is broken over me. I want you to know that you've been a perfect mother in the Gospel. I know that God smiles down on you for the job you've done as a parent. You taught me the Gospel, and I've always known how you feel about Heavenly Father, the Savior, and your family. You didn't fail to teach me these things -- on the contrary, you taught them every day in word and in deed. You simply could not have done more to teach me these things. I hope and pray you find peace in this because you're a wonderful mother -- always have been and still are.

But, at some point, your children will make decisions you disagree with or dislike. I've made unpopular decisions, and I want you to know that leaving the church wasn't an easy decision for me. I have very fond feelings for the church and for the principles it espouses. But, mom, there are reasons why I am no longer active. For years I was internally conflicted, trying to reconcile my emotions with church doctrine. Because of you and the family, I stayed in the church and on the Mormon path; however, after much thought and prayer, I made a decision to go with my feelings. I know it's hard for you, but I feel good about my decision. I feel peace. I actually feel that God is OK with my decision.

Unfortunately, you've never asked for the reasons. I've always felt that you know why, but that you're afraid to confront it. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps you sincerely have no idea why I might choose to walk a different path. Either way, I think we should discuss these reasons sometime very soon. I want to be completely candid and honest with you about my life. I've always feared that your heart's not strong enough to handle it; otherwise, I would have talked to you long ago.

In any case, this is a conversation that would be better suited for the phone. Let me know when you're ready to talk -- hopefully sooner than later.

I love you.
GM

A few days later, she and I connected on the phone. The conversation needed little preface. I told her that I wanted to discuss why I am no longer active in the church, and then I proceeded to tell her about my sexuality. She listened, and I asked her if she had known. She said my father told her about 6 months prior.

Our conversation was a little intense at one point. She was suggesting (as my family has all suggested) that my sexuality was caused by gay porn. I was enraged at this un-crushable rumor, so I told her to never suggest that to me ever again. I even threatened to cut ties all together if I heard such an insult repeated.

One other highlight: She wanted to make sure I was still saying my prayers, going to church, abstaining from alcohol, etc. I told her, “Mom, you’re missing the central issue here: I have physical relationships with men. All that other stuff is not keeping from being a good member of the church. My sexuality prevents me from being a good Mormon. Let’s focus on the core issue.” Turns out, the phrase “physical relationships” was too descriptive (story to come).

Overall, our conversation went fine. We both walked away a bit sad and frustrated with the situation, but our talk was pretty cordial and smooth. She was certainly still clinging to hope that I would abandon my sexuality, decide to abstain from intimacy all together, and return to the church. It’s amazing how activity in the church trumps all. My parents would be MUCH happier if I were living a dual life – wife and kids on the outside, male encounters on the side. So long as they didn’t have to know about it. (That might be an unfair assessment, but that’s how it seems to me.)

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. I return home, but I had to work a ton (because of meetings the following week), so I didn’t spend much quality time with them. Found out later they perceived me as “distancing myself.” Sigh. Besides that, the week went fine. At the end, I did get annoyed that my brothers wouldn’t play games with the rest of the family, so I took off without saying goodbye to those three brothers. An immature move, for sure. Chalk that up to my list of regrets relative to my family.

Then comes Christmas. I went home again. This time I had tons of time with my parents. The other sibs couldn’t make it to my hometown, except for one brother. The night before Sunday, my mother asks if I am going to church. I tell her that I wouldn’t be able to go. I explained that I was profoundly disappointed and frustrated with the church’s involvement in Prop 8, and this was my small way of protesting its actions. Very very small way.

She immediately launched into a defense for the church. Absolutely no sympathy shown to me. None. But she sure had a ton to say on behalf of the church. I remained civil and disagreed with her on every point. We moved on to other topics, which were equally frustrating, and then we returned to Prop 8.

At this time, my brother comes up stairs and says, “What’s going on? Is GM blaming the church for Prop 8? You should blame the blacks and Mexicans for losing Prop 8 – not the church.”

I was already pretty worked up because of the nature of this conversation, but my brother’s comment made my blood boil within a split second. I lost it.

“Are you kidding me? Seriously. That’s what you have to say to me right now? Go to fucking bed! This is precisely the reason I hate coming home, because I have to deal with asshole comments like that. I’m done with this.” And I left the room.

My mother ran after me, apologizing for my brother. “You know he means well. He loves you. Blah blah blah.” She was doing her motherly duty, again. But, again, it comes across as my mother seeing everyone’s side but mine. I explained why his comments were completely inappropriate, and then I addressed the main issue I’ve been having over the past year.

I resent my mother. And I told her that. I love her, but I absolutely resent her. This woman, who loves me so much, and whom I love so dearly, is incapable of showing empathy. That’s clearly a biased statement and untrue, but that’s how I perceive it.

I told her, “Mom, I resent you because you know me so well, you care for me, you worry for me, yet you have never said to me, ‘wow, that must be hard’ or ‘I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this’ or ‘I’ve never thought about it from that perspective.’”

All I hear is her defending the church, my family, and the whole Mormon perspective. I just want her to acknowledge that I am a reasonable person who makes logical decisions. I want her to recognize that I took more than a decade to make this decision. I want her to acknowledge that the struggle was very difficult for me. I want to hear from her that she can’t understand how I feel (because she can’t), and that she is sympathetic to my situation. That’s what I want to hear.

Her reaction: “You can’t expect me to accept this.” What does that even mean? I have no idea. (She even repeated that statement numerous times throughout our conversation.) I’m not asking for her to carry rainbow flags in parades. I’m simply asking for empathy, and I don’t feel any from her. Does that mean she hasn’t shown me empathy? No. But perception is reality, and I do not perceive any empathy.

When I put it to her that way, she gave me the courtesy “I do feel bad for you” talk. Of course, she’s quick to follow up with the “you know where I stand” talk, which nullifies everything she said previously. She even went so far as to ask if I would start reading the scriptures again and going to church and living the church's teachings.

That’s the whole problem. I know where she stands and what she believes. I don’t need her constant reminding. I don’t need her perspective on homosexuality or the church. I know it. I lived it. I’m over it.

She then launches into her big “it’s my fault your gay” talk. Again, back to my mother. It’s so ridiculous how my sexuality always comes back to her. I have told her countless times that she was a perfect mother and taught me everything perfectly. She did. She was a perfect mother growing up. But now she blames herself for all her children’s faults and alleged “sins.”

I explained that she needed counseling. I insisted that she needed counseling. I offered to pay for said counseling. She refused. “I’m fine. I don’t need counseling. I’m fine.” That was her mantra for the night. I told her I needed counseling, too. My expectations with my family are clearly overboard. I want too much and I expect too much. It’s not fair to them. All I ever think about is abandoning them. I know that’s a ridiculous thought, and I don’t really want to do that, but that’s what I think about all the time.

Who knew I would get to this point. I was discussing my situation with friends, and I realized that I’m lucky. I live in this beautiful bubble called “San Francisco.” In this bubble, being gay is no big deal. People don’t think about it. It’s completely normal. It’s just another trait to describe a person. Then I leave the bubble and go to another bubble called “Utah.” (It’s not fair to clump all of Utah together, but it fits the analogy, so I’m keeping it.) In Utah, being gay is weird. It’s different. It’s sinful. It’s a really hard thing for my family to deal with. I’m not used to people treating it that way, so I immediately get annoyed with people and situations. I end up in emotionally intense conversations with family members. It’s just not pretty. I need counseling.

I suggested to my mother that she and I take a “break” ... avoid each other for a few months to figure things out. That suggestion was apparently the worst thing I could suggest. She lost it. She started crying so intensely that I immediately backpedalled on the suggestion. She “couldn’t handle” that. It was frightening to see her react that way.

I walked away from the conversation feeling the same way I usually feel after a conversation with my family – questioning whether the convo did more good than harm. It’s so hard to tell.

Before I forget, during the convo, I asked my mom if we’d ever get to a point where she could ask who I’m dating. She said maybe eventually, but she doesn’t want to hear about my sex life. I was caught off guard entirely.

“Huh? Why would I tell you about my sex life? Who do you think I am? Don’t you know me better than that?” Those were my immediate questions.

“Last time we spoke about this, you told me too many details about your sex life,” she responds.

Because I was very cautious with my words in our previous conversation, I knew exactly what she was referring to.

“Mother. I told you that I had ‘physical relationships’ with other men," I said matter of factly. "Nothing about that phrase is detailed or graphic. I simply used it to make a point, and apparently it worked.”

She felt it was too much information. I agreed to never mention it again. Sometimes I feel that I’m demanding too much; other times I feel like I make far too many concessions. That’s so ridiculous that I can’t even hint to the reality that I have sexual relationships with men. I have no plans on giving details. Sheesh.

Anyhow, I do feel a little better now that I’ve gotten this down in writing. The truth is I don’t know what to do. I think I do need therapy to figure this out. It’s just not working for me. I am actually beginning to avoid conversations and interactions with my family members, and I hate that I am doing that. Clearly I have let my feelings build up to an unhealthy state. My goal for 2009 is to find a way to have positive relationships with my family. I have to figure it out. I’m pretty sure I will, and the answer might be time. Time heals all, right?

Another Dad Email

2008-04-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

I kinda thought my dad was accepting things as they are and was ready to move forward with our relationship, despite our differences. Apparently I was a little wrong. I received another email from him recently, urging me to come back to the church. Not my favorite email to receive, but at least this email was less full of damnation and hellfire talk. I'm not sure if he'll ever give up hope -- I can live with that. Anyhow, here's the email:

GM,

It was good to see you on the weekend of March 16th; we enjoyed having so many of our family home that weekend.

Mom and I attended the temple for two sessions yesterday; it was the 4th and 5th times we have attended in the month we have been home. Each time we go through a session our thoughts go to family and the eternal nature of every living person. We desire greatly that all our children and their children live the covenants which will ensure they inherit the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom.

Benjamin spoke of the joy of these inheritors: "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it." Mosiah 2:41

One of the most well-attested facts is that men and women continue to live after they lay down these mortal bodies--the physical body returning to the earth or clay from whence it was organized or created--but the spirit, our real self, our personality, our intelligence lives on. Literally millions of people through the years have seen their loved ones beyond the grave and have received communication from them.

More than 500 people witnessed the physical resurrection of Jesus the Christ either at Jerusalem or in Galilee. He did rise from the grave and received His body again, glorified, physical consisting of flesh and bones. His resurrection is a fact! And ours is testified of by Him and all the Prophets who have written about the Atonement.

At the end of his discourse, Benjamin said, ". . . there is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives."

"For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?"

"Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works that Christ, the Lord God Omnipotent may seal you his, that you may be brought to heaven, that ye may have everlasting salvation and eternal life, through the wisdom, and power, and justice, and mercy of him who created all things, in heaven and in earth, who is God above all. Amen." Mos 5:8,13,15

Mom and I know this to be true. And you have known this also. We pray often that you will return your thoughts and desires to doing good and to obeying the Lord's commandments. This is the only way to have true happiness and peace of mind.

Love,
Dad

I decided to dismiss his email entirely. Here's my response:

Hi Dad,

Thanks for the email. How are things? Have you adjusted to life at home? I've heard from several people that they're so glad to have you and mom home.

How's the health? What's new with work?

GM

Emotional Exhaustion

2008-04-11T02:36:00.000-07:00

My parents returned from their mission recently, which meant that I too needed to return to Utah for a familial visit. As always, it was really fun to see all the siblings, the parents, and the nieces/nephews. And, as always, it was exhausting. I have to admit that this visit was especially exhausting – but from an emotional point of view.

I ended up having two separate 90-minute conversations with family members. Both were somewhat intense, though the one was especially intense. The real kicker is that both conversations were spurred by the word “damn.” That’s right. Damn. Damn word. Word damn.

Let me preface a little bit before I go too far. The first conversation was with my brother who is closest to me in age. That convo was fine, and I’ll address that later. The second, more intense conversation was with my oldest brother’s wife. She and I used to be quite close, but since I disclosed my sexuality to her, she has been quite awkward whenever I’m around her. I feel like she’s trying to be normal, but the resulting conversation just feels extremely forced, and she seems to have a pained look on her face and uncomfortable tone in her voice. She’s really one of the sweetest people on the planet, so please don’t misunderstand me on this. She’s always been uber kind to me, and she always will be. She’s a very good person. Nonetheless, out of all my family members, I’d say she’s the one who is the most awkward since I came out to her. She’s likely pained and awkward with me because all she can think about is how much it will suck to see me in the Telestial Kingdom (sorry for the Mormon doctrinal reference, if you don’t understand it). Essentially she’s in pain because she has strong religious beliefs and she loves me.

So the story begins. The uncomfortable sister-in-law, my brother (with whom I had the first convo), my 16-year-old niece, and I were upstairs playing cards, and the rest of the family was watching television in the same room. All of the other nieces and nephews were downstairs. I happened to lose a hand of cards, so I said, “Damnit.” Now, you need to understand that I have always sworn around my family – for at least the past 6 years or so. This is not a new phenomenon for me, and I am far from being the worst swearer in my family. The entire family is fairly laxed with the “damns” and “hells,” and my other brothers are not strangers to worse words, including but not limited to “shit,” “ass,” “bastard,” or even “fuck.” The last word is fairly limited to my one brother, but still it can be heard from time to time.

After I swore, my sister-in-law called me out on it. She said, “GM, you swore!” I was a bit surprised that she was calling me out, but I thought I would joke it off. I replied, “You must have misheard. I didn’t swear.” I thought it was obvious that I was being sarcastic. Apparently it wasn’t. “No, you swore,” was her response. I rolled my eyes, and kept playing the game.

Later that evening after everyone had gone to bed, my one bro and I were chatting. I asked him how offensive my swearing was. He said that the word “damn” isn’t highly offensive per se, but my sister-in-law didn’t want me to swear around my 16-year-old niece. That’s a fair criticism, and I acknowledged that, but I asked why I’ve never seen her call any other brother out on swearing. I’m more than certain that other siblings have sworn in front of the kids, and she hasn’t been quick to jump on them for it. Perhaps I just haven’t noticed. Anyhow, I told my brother that I felt that maybe I was being singled out. It seems that the family is really watching me, looking for validation that my gay lifestyle is leading me down a slippery slope of evilness (which could be a fair assessment from the Mormon perspective – ha!).

My brother disagreed with my assessment (which truly might be off base), but then he said, “GM, you do swear 10 times more now than you did two years ago.” Now that seemed a little ridiculous to me. Certainly I have increased my swearing to some degree since I began working in a very adult, non-Mormon environment two years ago. Also, I don’t spend a lot of time around kids, so my life is very adult oriented. I would agree that I do swear some more, but I feel 10 times may be an exaggeration. It seems the family is really searching for sins or faults to tackle, since it’s not easy to attack my sexuality, which is the main point of contention. It’s much easier to channel the frustration, disappointment, or anger into the little things that offend them. I honestly feel that this is one of their ways of releasing their feelings.

Anyhow, our conversation progressed, and he asked me what I believed, if I believed in the church anymore. I told him that I loved growing up Mormon, that I feel I gained a solid moral foundation, that I learned the importance of being a good person, but that I have fundamental disagreements with the church and its doctrines. I said that I have no hard feelings, but just generally disagree.

He was actually pretty cool throughout our entire conversation. He was really focused on telling me how much I’ve changed in the past few years (which I’m sure is true to a degree, but certainly not to the degree he is describing). He said he feels that everyone is dealt challenges and temptations, and we can’t just act on them. He illustrated his point with this: he might have urges to sleep with other women, but he knows it’s not right in God’s eyes, so he doesn’t. I agreed with him and said that I’m sure I’ll have desires to cheat on my future partner someday, but that I’m going to do my best to resist that temptation because I agree that a commitment should be respected. I think he was disappointed that I wasn’t taking his illustration the way he intended. Ha!

Our discussion was long and involved, and none of it was heated or crazy. It was very nice, in fact, and I felt fine about the whole thing. I did ask at one point if it would be a sin or wrong for the family to stop hoping I change and instead hope that the church changes its stance on homosexuality. He said that I can only expect that from the family if I am willing to accept that homosexuality is not God’s will once they find a medical fix for it. (He said this in more words and less directness.) I told him that I’ve contemplated the “straight pill” scenario. If there were a pill that I could take that would make me straight, would I take it?

My friends and I have discussed this question often. It would certainly be a difficult decision to make, and I can’t honestly know what I would do if I were presented with a “straight pill,” but at this point I don’t think I would take it. I am very happy with who I am, with where I’m at, with my friends, with my life. Why would I want to change it? Again, a disappointing answer for him.

So that was the gist of his and my conversation. The next day, I was in the computer room looking at my niece’s facebook pictures. She was going through her friends with me, and I wanted to show her my friends. I was doing my best to connect with her because she’s in the 16-year-old attitude phase and is kinda too cool for me and the world. Anyhow, I started going through my pictures, and several of them were fairly gay. Very g-rated, but definitely guys with arms around each other, etc. She asked, in a disgusted tone, “Are they gay?!” I told her, “Watch what you say. These are my friends.” Then she said, “Are you gay?”

I asked if it mattered, and she said it didn’t, so I said, “good” and continued the picture browsing. Again, we ran across two friends hugging. She says, again in a disgusted tone, “Are they gay too?!” I said, “Be careful because these are my friends and they’re really great people. You can’t say it in that tone.” She asked again, “So are they gay?” I finally said, “Yes, they are. I have a lot of gay friends, and they’re all amazing people.” She then said, “You’re gay, aren’t you?” I asked if it mattered, and she said it didn’t, so I said, “Yes, I’m gay.” It was a judgment call, and I came to regret that call.

Fast forward to the next day. I decided to call my sister-in-law because the whole swearing thing was still on my mind, and I was generally bugged that our relationship was so strained. I started by explaining how I felt singled out that she called me out. She explained that she just didn’t want me swearing around the kids, and I conceded that I shouldn’t swear around them, and I agreed that I was going to work hard not to. I also told her she was welcome to call me out on it, as long as I’m not being singled out. She assured me that she has called several other brothers out as well, and I can only take her word for it. She mentioned that I swear a LOT more now (which is funny because I’ve only seen or talked to her two or three times in the past year, but whatever). Clearly my “swearing” is a talking point among the siblings.

I told her I felt our relationship was quite strained in the past year, and I was sad about that because she and I used to be so close (which is absolutely true). I told her I just wanted to clear the air because I don’t want us to dread seeing each other, which is exactly where our relationship is headed. She mentioned how hard it has been for her and my brother to deal with my little revelation, and she said it will just take some time to get used to things.

Then she said (and this is my best summary): “Well, I’m glad you called because you really offended me this weekend. I just found out you told my oldest daughter you’re gay. I can’t believe you would do that. I find it highly offensive and inappropriate that you would do that without consulting me first. This is something that I wanted to be there for, and I can’t believe you didn’t come get me so I could be there or deflect the issue to me and your brother. It’s really not your call to decide when to come out to my children. This is not an easy subject for them, and we really need to be a part of it … etc.”

I asked if her daughter had told her the circumstances under which I “came out,” and she said she understood that I was put on the spot, but felt I should have deflected or avoided the situation altogether (i.e., not shown pictures from my facebook, etc.). I told her that it was a judgment call and that I was really sorry I offended her. It certainly wasn’t my intention to make her life as a parent more difficult. I just don’t want her to think that it’s this big secret or a big deal, because it really shouldn’t be blown out of proportion. I am still the same guy, and one of my traits should not be the only defining factor.

She then said, “I’m especially offended because you asked if you could come out to her, and I told her no.” That’s when I got upset.

“What?! When did I ever ask that? I have NEVER nor would I ever ask for permission to come out to your children!”

“Yes, you asked, I remember.”

“Oh really? Because I have NO recollection whatsoever, and I think you’re creating memories. When did I ask? Where? I need details because I think you’re making this up. Do you really think I would want to come out to your kids? Is that something I’m looking forward to? Do you think it’s fun for me?”

“I don’t know, but I remember you asking.”

“Well, I deny it. And I think you must have misheard or misinterpreted. Perhaps I was joking, or perhaps I asked if you had told her, but I certainly had no desire to tell her.”

That’s where we left that portion. Our conversation progressed to a discussion of beliefs. I told her the same things that I told my brother. She then told me how I needed to really re-consider the church and really give it 100% of my effort. How I needed to really focus on finding out that it’s true because she has found out it’s true, and she knows it’s the only way to be truly happy. I told her how I’m happy she’s happy, but she has to believe me when I say I’m happy too. I tried to explain that I just have some very fundamental issues with the church.

I told her, “I know that we’ll probably never see eye to eye on these issues, and I called to see what I can do to make us feel comfortable around each other. I don’t want us to avoid each other or feel burdened to see each other. I want us to have a solid friendship and family relationship. After all, according to Mormon doctrine, we have only this life to enjoy each other, and so I want to make the most of it.”

At this point, she started crying. So did I. We were crying for different reasons, though. She was crying because I won’t be with her and the family for eternity. I was crying because who I am puts so much strain on my family and our relationships. Just sad all around.

She and I really talked for 90 minutes, and I couldn’t possibly summarize it all right now. The saddest part is that I’m not sure the conversation was even productive. I walked away wondering what I had accomplished. I feel even more awkward about talking to her. Ugh. So depressing that religion effs things up so much (by the way, the word “eff” as in “effing” and “effs” is a swearword in my sister-in-law’s book – it’s off limits).

Other items she and I discussed:

1) How I offended them by bringing my best friend with me when I came out to them. My best friend and I were too giggly and laughy apparently. They found it rude and offensive. I had no idea. I really do feel bad about that. My friend and I were trying to lighten the mood with jokes, and I brought her because I really wanted someone with me. It’s so exhausting having these conversations, especially when you’re outnumbered.

2) My sister-in-law thinks I am gay because I looked at male pornography in high school. I tried not to rip her apart on this one, though I was tempted. Who in the hell thinks that? That’s honestly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and it’s embarrassing, sad, and upsetting that certain dumbass family members actually believe this shit. Yes, shit. They claim they’ve read “studies” about it … RIIIIIGHT! Who authored those studies? I guarantee for every study that suggests homosexuality is caused by gay porn, there are ten studies that suggest otherwise. Honestly, I remember being attracted to guys as early as 5th grade. When I finally did look at gay porn in 10th grade, I assure you I was seeking it out on my own free will.

3) My brother is in a sort of depression because of me (and another brother). He feels he has lost two of his brothers. That’s really sad to me. I wish I could help him not feel that way.

4) She can’t hope for the church to change its stance because that would likely lead to apostasy. I hate that about the church – disagreeing with anything (no matter how small) means you’re on the fast track to apostasy. So lame, and so wrong. I know plenty of strong Mormon members who think for themselves, but are faithful members.

5) She’s confident we’ll get through this, despite the struggle right now.

I hope so. It’s just too exhausting for me. But I know I need to be patient and loving, and I know I can’t say I’m surprised that this is a tough thing for the family. I knew it would be. I’m certain that we’ll never see things from the same perspective, so I need to figure out how we can maintain positive relationships, despite our differences.

Long post, eh? I am so tired and I was speed typing this, so excuse the errors.

GM

Welcome 2008

2008-01-21T01:49:00.000-08:00

The holidays came and went in a blur, didn't they? It's nice to have things calm down a bit, but I do miss the excitement and energy of the season.

I thought I'd share a bit of good news with everyone. I received a Christmas letter from my parents right before Christmas, and I was thrilled about one particular line in it. Unfortunately, I can't find the damn letter, so I'll have to guesstimate the exact wording.

It went something like this: "GM, we love the teachings of the gospel, and we hope you keep them close to your heart, even if you choose not to live them."

I was touched by the comment. It wasn't the most monumental progress, but I feel that my parents are realizing that although I might not always live the teachings of the church, I can always treasure and respect the doctrines, which is something I want to do. I liked the letter.

I also liked that my parents are starting to deal with the thought of me being inactive. It sounds like they are realizing that maintaining a positive relationship is what we all want, and they are working toward that. Also, my dad sent me a thank you email for a gift that my siblings and I gave to him for Christmas. It was really nice of him. Here's what it said:

GM,

Thank you for leading the charge of your siblings in providing a new shaver for me. The Braun Pulsonic electric shaver is probably the best one I have ever used--and my face hasn't yet adjusted to it. I thank you for helping to pay for it as well--hope your brothers and sister help you pay for it.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I now shave in 10 minutes instead of 20-30 minutes with the two Norelco razors I was using. They just weren't doing it, even when the shaving heads were new. The automatic cleaner is great. I never have to wash it out or to brush out the whiskers.

Thanks again.

Dad

I'm glad this email shows the other side of my father (the less serious, damnation-speaking side). To be honest, it kinda sounds like he copied and pasted a testimonial from the Braun website. His email made me chuckle.

Maybe I'm reading too much into these little notes, but I don't really care -- I see progress, and I wanted to share.

Happy New Year! 2008 will be great.

GM

Last Emails

2007-12-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all your comments on the last post. I really appreciate all the kind things people said.

As an update, I did receive one more email from my dad. I thought this one was much more loving and kind. In fact, it even tugged at the heart strings a bit; whereas, the prior emails elicited other responses. ;)

In any case, I think (hope) that he and I are done with these intense emails. Here are the final two written conversations:

GM,

I didn't respond in kind, to your last email. It was well written in explanation of your lifestyle, but I think you brushed aside many truths taught by God to His children. It also rationalized away some basic truths about God and the eternal laws of justice which He must follow as well as we must learn to face and obey, if we are to inherit the glory of the highest kingdom.

I seldom have enough time in our schedule to prepare a complete explanation or answer to your assumptions, so I will, instead, give short bursts of truth or bits of wisdom.

Thank you for 'absolving' us, your parents of any responsibility for your current behaviors. That was generous of you. However, you as a son cannot release us from a responsibility which you did not bestow on us. Heavenly Father assigned you to our house, and only He can free us from the concern and worry of children who do not live His laws.

There is a 'grief that can't be spoken and a pain that goes on and on' for parents of children who choose to sell their birthright for the pleasures of the flesh. Having traveled life's road a little farther along, we have seen the end results of serious sin--and it is not well or good for anyone. "The loss of a soul is a very real and a very great loss to God. He is pained and grieved thereby, for it is His will that not one should perish." (Jesus the Christ, James E. Talmage p. 461) The loss of one's child to wicked living is no less painful for mortal parents.

We do remember the sweet young son we knew as he grew from infant to child, to adolescent, teen, then to manhood. We are aware of your great talents for doing good--which you showed to the family, our community, to those [on your mission]--be it members, elders or mission president and wife. You were like a young David, so full of goodness and with unlimited potential for working righteousness in the Lord's Church and Kingdom on the earth.

We regret, as will all who knew you, your fall from grace; it will be very painful for them too. The heavens weep as well.

As parents, we love all your good qualities and look forward to seeing you and welcoming you home. But, there is no happiness in wickedness, only moments of pleasure that will eventually turn bitter in your mouth.

Love,

Dad

---

My response:

Dad,

As always, I appreciate your love and concern. I believe we understand each other's position, and I'm confident we can maintain a positive relationship despite our differing beliefs.

Love Always,
GM

---
This exchange happened mid last week. I haven't heard back from him.

Because of Love

2007-12-10T23:38:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I really need to start reading the comments on my blog sooner. I just barely went through them, and I enjoyed them immensely. They always make me think, which is good for me. I probably don't do enough thinking these days ... it's a problem.

The comment that hit me the hardest was from "Anonymous." (See comments from "Thoughts on God.") I'm always intrigued by my reaction to these comments. I was surprised to find myself getting defensive about and finding arguments against what he wrote. It's very clear that I am Mormon through and through, and I will never escape that. The mere fact that his beliefs could elicit an emotional response in me is evidence that I still share those same beliefs.

I probably will always think like a Mormon and have beliefs rooted in Mormonism. And I'm going to have to be OK with that. The truth is Anonymous might be absolutely right, and I have to accept that. That said, he might also be wrong, and that's the problem -- I can't be sure. As long as that's the case, I'm going to have to follow my heart.

In other news ...

My father and I had a little email exchange this past week. It was interesting, to say the least. It was all started by a conversation my mother and I had a week and a half ago. She called, and we got to talking about church attendance. I've never lied to her about anything I do; I simply withhold information, unless it's solicited specifically.

During our conversation, she called me out on being inactive in the church, and I didn't deny it. She told me I needed to go to church, and she asked if I would go for her. I laughed and suggested that there might be better motivations for a person to go to church. I used humor, hoping she would let the topic go, but she wasn't letting it drop, so I ended up telling her that I'm not active and that I don't know if I'll ever be very active in the church.

I felt bad because I knew the conversation was ripping her up inside. Poor thing. The only good thing is that maybe this small revelation will help soften the blow when we finally have the big "I'm gay" conversation, which I'm not looking forward to. After an intense 10-minute conversation about my church attendance (or lack thereof), we lightened the mood with laughter and casual conversation and hung up. Regardless, I knew she was affected by our conversation.

The following day, I received this email from my father:

Dear GM,

Your mother spoke to me of last night's conversation with you; she is heartbroken that you and Tim have chosen not to obey God's commandments, nor to make yourselves worthy to keep your temple covenants. She sorrows greatly for you both.

I too, have sorrow for you and your brother, but I don't sink into depression as she does. It is becoming increasingly difficult to keep her spirits up and to keep her from staring into space, in deep grieving for her sons.

I have not told her of your particular situation; indeed I have kept my word to you & have told no one. You revealed it yourself to your brothers and sister. They have not said anything to your mother. She knows that you are not living right, but not the full story.

I don't believe she could take that shock at this time. I find it ironic, that when we are serving a mission, at a time when we should be most happy, that we suffer 'a grief that can't be spoken and a pain that goes on and on'.

The commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee," is still in effect. So is the first commandment: "Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." we are not the only ones who sorrow for you. Your Heavenly Father and Mother are also sorrowing. You also are not honoring them.

GM, you were given a legacy of righteous living in our home; you know the commandments, including: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination" (Lev 18:22) "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators . . .adlterers, . . . nor abusers of themselves with mankind." (1 Cor 6:9) Through our modern prophets, our Heavenly Father has warned against this sin in our time. Sexual sins are second only to murder in seriousness.

You are at your present state in life because of your addiction to pornography through the internet; Tim also has been affected by this scourge of filth.

I do not say these things in an angry, condemning manner, but in simple, plain truth as God has outlined through his prophets and in his scriptures. And by your own admission, you have cut yourself off from this lifeline, this iron rod, which can and does provide the strength to overcome sexual addition and every other sin--when used with prayer and repentance.

Be assured, your present lifestyle is not approved by God; it is directly against His teachings. No worldly rationalizing will change it. You also must face the fact that as you continue down this path, you will not be with your mother after this life. You are creating a gulf between yourself and her with every impure thought, with every crude word you speak, with every unclean act you participate in. "He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." (1 John 2:4)

She is a holy, pure, Godly woman with very tender and delicate feelings of righteousness. She loves both of her very gifted and intelligent sons who are choosing the path downward to Telestial living standards; this causes us both continual, unspeakable sorrow.

We love you and desire that you live Celestial standards, that you might return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ; we want you to be a part of our family forever. As the apostle John wrote: "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." (3 John 1:4)

I personally would like to see my sweetheart and companion be happy once again. And that will only happen when her sons are both back on the path of righteousness living. Please help her; I know you love her, please show it with deeds and not by words only.

Love,
Dad

---
To which, I responded:

Dear Dad,

How are you? I hope you're doing well. I received the postcard from Amish country earlier this week, and I must say I'm very proud that my parents are converting the Amish. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. Speaking of, did you know 95% of the people from my mission believe the Mormons are Amish? Why, you ask? Because the movie "Witness" was mistranslated, so everyone read "Mormon" in the subtitles whenever the movie talked about the Amish. I spent two years being mistaken for people who won't ride bicycles because the technology is too sophisticated. Anywho ...

In regards to your email, I want to thank you for your love and concern. Though I rarely express it, I have two of the most loving, caring, fantastic parents on Earth -- even despite your inability to take my counsel on email forwarding etiquette. ha! I thank God daily for my wonderful life and loving family.

In fact, that's precisely what makes my situation so difficult. I know exactly what my family expects of me, yet I am choosing a different path. I really am sad that my decisions affect you and mom (and others) in such an adverse way. I hate to disappoint and worry you both -- especially mom -- and that's why it took me until age 25 to decide to live an openly gay lifestyle. I know you probably cringe just reading that phrase, but I want to be honest and upfront with you.

Trust me: I've thought about living in secrecy and lying to you guys about the decisions I've made. It would certainly delay the disappointment and heartache on your end, but eventually the truth would come out, so I've decided to be completely open and honest. That's how I have been for the past two years with all my close friends, family, and co-workers. Everyone who knows me well knows I'm gay, with the exception of mom, who must be mighty suspicious at this point. Please feel free to disclose my sexuality to whomever you choose -- I trust you completely.

For the record, it was you who convinced me not to tell mom when I was contemplating telling her a few years ago. ha! We both know she doesn't cope well with difficult/disappointing situations, so I conceded to your request. Nonetheless, eventually she will have to face the reality of my situation, so she may as well start preparing. Don't worry -- I'll wait until she returns from her mission to tell her.

Back to the church ... it seems to me that the crux of the issue is the afterlife. Both you and mom are very concerned about my salvation, and I understand your perspective -- I really do. That said, I personally don't know what's going to happen to me in the afterlife (I know your beliefs on the matter, so feel free to skip your rebuttal to this paragraph). I simply hope for the best ... hope God is as merciful, loving, and understanding as I believe he is; hope I've lived a good life here on Earth; hope I haven't offended the Creator too horribly; and hope things turn out well for my loved ones. I believe God knows what He's doing, so I have faith everything will turn out well.

However, between now and the afterlife, I want to make the most of life, and that's what I'm trying to do -- even if my decisions are hard for you. I love my life and I don't regret the decisions I've made (except for the decision to take Ancient Civilizations 345 - I hated that class). I know it's fundamentally impossible for you to believe this, but I'm happy. I am. I have a good job, a great boss, fantastic friends, a loving family -- I am completely content and fulfilled. And I still have so much to look forward to in life! I am very blessed, and I acknowledge that.

I just wish you and mom could be happy for me, or at least try to be. Let's say you're right, and I do end up in the Telestial Kingdom alone. That means we have only this time on Earth to be with and love each other. Let's make the most of it and not dwell on all my failures and shortcomings.

The reality is you and mom -- especially mom -- carry too much of the burden of your children's sins. You worry, you stress, and you get depressed when your children make choices you don't like. Your children are imperfect humans who have agency, and they will make decisions that are not popular with you. That's life, and I hope you both learn better coping mechanisms to deal with these stressors. Have faith in God that He will work things out, and leave the bulk of the stress to Him and Christ. That's the whole Gospel plan, isn't it? Letting Christ carry your burdens? Maybe God/Christ could free you and allow you to love and enjoy your sinner sons. :-) I'll tell you what: I absolve you of all responsibility for my sins. That's my gift to you.

Let's be honest -- when you get to the Celestial Kingdom, and I'm not there, do you think God will let you live an eternity in misery because your youngest didn't make it? Absolutely not. He'll work things out, and you'll have joy beyond belief, so please don't let my decisions affect you so much.

It's easy for me to say these things, but I know life is more complex than what I state above. I really don't expect you to come to a point where you're 100% OK with my decisions. What parent ever reaches that point with a child? I do, however, expect you to come to terms with my decisions and learn to be happy despite. I love you, mom, and my siblings, and I want to build, strengthen, and enjoy our relationships for the rest of our lives. I hope and pray that you and mom find peace relative to me. It will take time, I'm sure, but I believe it's possible. I love you all and plan to always have you in my life.

I know where you stand on these issues, so you don't need to keep reiterating, though I'm sure you will - ha! But there is a limit ... at some point we must move past the same redundant talking points because I sincerely doubt we'll ever be on the same page regarding my choices. We disagree on these issues, so we have to work around them. How? Well, that's really up to you. Perhaps you could try remembering that I'm a fairly good kid. Well, at the very least, I'm a decent person. (That's what a few friends and homeless people have told me.) I think most parents would consider me a success story -- or at least a partial success story. Just focus on the positive (namely my nice teeth, sparkling eyes, and charming personality). I'm sure you're loving this advice. ha!

In all seriousness, I'm sorry I disappoint you both. I hate to disappoint anyone, especially mom, but I can't live my life for mom or for you. I love her dearly, and I always will. I sincerely hope she'll be able to love me, laugh with me, be there for me, and be happy for me, despite my sins/choices. I hope the same for you.

Love Always,
Your Son, GM

---
Dad's response:

GM,

Thank you for your clear, concise explanation of present situation in life--as you see it. I have known through the Spirit, and from bits and pieces from your siblings of your choices and lifestyle for some time. I don't however, remember it being my decision not to tell Mom; I'm sure I felt that way as time went on and we were serving a mission. However, in the beginning, you were the one asking me not to reveal your SSA to any of the family, and I kept that promise. Your siblings noticed your dark countenance, and listened to your pattern of speech and they began to discern your lifestyle. Some did voice their concerns to me, but I was mute on the subject.

I have known that you don't want to discuss this matter with me, so I haven't tried to--not when we were alone dumping garbage, nor when you announced over choice over the phone while I was in PA.

However, with my understanding of the laws and commandments of God, neither Mom nor I can have joy in your wrong choices--even while we love you and remember all of your good qualities, your great God-given talents, abilites, and gifts--beyond the beautiful teeth, pleasing personallity, etc., etc., et. al. It's such a shame you should squander these gifts, bury these talents in the dark side of the force.

But, you are an adult now, and accountable for your own actions. Have a good day.

Dad
---

What can we conclude? I am a cast member of Star Wars, fighting for the dark side of the force, and in desperate need of a facial because of my dark countenance. And my dad wants me to "Have a good day." Really? That's his closing? haha! Cracks me up! I know he loves me and writes me these things because of love. I really do understand that.

Honestly, I didn't mind his response. It was a little cold with a few jabs, but, at the end of the day, we agreed to disagree. That's all I can ask for. Hopefully he will learn to cope better as time passes, because things are going to get sticky when I start dating someone. Not that I anticipate that will happen any time soon. But still.

OK, I've said enough for one day. I feel like this long post has made up for many months of being MIA. At the rate I'm going, I won't be posting for another six months.

GM

Druggy McDruggerson

2007-10-06T02:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not giving up on the question. The rhetorical question, that is. I've realized recently that I always avoid using rhetorical questions in my writing because that's what I was taught to do. I'm now changing my mind - because that's what people do ... we change our minds. I'm using rhetorical questions going forward. Is it such a bad thing, really?

See! It flows. That's my soapbox for right now. I was just thinking about that randomly before I logged on. Anyhow ...

So I have been "out" for nearly two years now, and I must say that my life is good. In the past two years, I've experienced a lot in the gay world: Pride parades, Folsom street fairs, hookups, clubs, alcohol, drag queens, etc. But one aspect of gaydom that I've always avoided is drugs. Now I don't judge - or at least I try not to - because I have some friends who like some coke from time to time. People can live however they want, and I respect that.

Nonetheless, for me and for myself, I've chosen not to get involved. I might be naive and silly, but drugs are scary to me. (I feel like a 5th grader saying that. ha!) They really are. Additionally, I see them as a destructive influence in people's lives, and I really don't feel like I need them. I get enough pleasure and enjoyment from life and from the legal drugs -- namely, alcohol.

Yet, drug use is pretty prevalent in the gay world. I've been really fortunate in that most of my friends don't do any drugs. However, one of my closest friends loves coke, and he does it fairly often. He usually reserves his coke usage for weekends, which I guess is better than daily use. Like I said before, people are free to live their lives how they want, and I'm going to love him regardless.

I just get so frustrated when he tries to involve me. He used to just do it behind my back -- which I preferred -- but for the past two weekends he's been doing it openly and in front of me. Last weekend he asked me to drive him to his dealer (I hate that he has a dealer), and at first I was going along with it. Then half way into the ride, I just snapped. Something hit me and I realized that I was just too close and too involved. I don't like his coke usage, and I don't want him to do it, and I don't want him to think I support him. So right then, in the middle of the intersection of the Tenderloin, I flipped a U-turn and told him I wasn't going to take him.

I just don't want to support him in it. Am I a terrible friend? My little rebellion did no good -- he still got the coke. And he will always get his cocaine, regardless of what I do.

I just refuse to be a part of it, and he gets pissed because of it. He makes me feel like a bad friend and I hate it. I hate that I feel bad about not driving him to his dealer. I hate that he trash talks me to his best friend (whom I adore) because I don't just drive him to his dealer.

I told him he just needs to plan ahead and get his coke before we go out. Obviously I can't stop him from getting or using it, but he can at least keep me out of it.

Alright. Going to bed. I just wanted to vent. Why do so many gay men do drugs? Grrr.

Thoughts on God

2007-09-27T02:50:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about God lately – particularly the Mormon God, the God I was taught about growing up. Let me preface these comments by saying I don’t know much about God. I doubt I ever will. Nonetheless, I have begun to change my views on the Supreme Being.

Let's recap: At this point, I have come out to everyone in my family, except my mother. Now, my mother isn’t stupid, and I’m sure she has a clue (at least I pray she does), but we haven’t had the official conversation to verify suspicions/nightmares. I’ve been waiting to tell her this information because she and my father are currently serving a Mormon mission, and I don’t want to distract them. They’re having a great time, and there’s no need to stress her out right now.

But I will have to have the conversation soon – probably in a year or so. In anticipation, I can’t help but think about the tactics I’ll want to use to calm her down. The fact of the matter is I don’t want to hurt my mom, and I know this confirmation will hurt her. I know she won’t understand and she will take it personally. She’ll blame herself, and she’ll have a very tough time coping.

It frustrates me to no end knowing that my actions affect my family members so deeply. I hate causing them pain, worries, or stress. I just want them to know that I’m happy, and I want them to be happy for me as well. I know I’m asking too much because there’s no way they’ll ever believe I’m happy (Mormons believe there’s absolutely only one way to be happy – the Mormon way). I simply don’t understand why they are so affected by my actions. That’s a lie – I do understand why. I was raised Mormon, and I know the thought processes.

But that’s what I’ve been analyzing lately – the thought processes that lead faithful Mormons to be so miserable when their loved ones choose not to continue down the Mormon path. There are many reasons for this misery. First, Mormons believe strongly that families can be together in the afterlife only if all members live faithfully. Second, there is always a sense of loss when someone leaves the group. It’s like losing a member of your club – even if you don’t like the person a ton, you still have an odd sense of sadness when you find out someone is no longer a part of the group or doesn’t want to be a part of the group.

There are other reasons as well, but I really want to focus on the first, considering that’s what all my family members have cited as the reason for their concern.

So the Celestial Kingdom (the highest of the three heavenly kingdoms in Mormondom – go here for more info) is supposed to be the grandest, most glorious place ever – completely indescribable because words do not exist to describe it. This is the place where faithful Mormons will end up, if faithful. This is why Mormons abstain from alcohol, premarital sex, black tea, rated-R movies, and coffee. This is why Mormons attend church weekly, devote countless hours to church service, bake casseroles for their neighbors, go on missions for up to two years, and avoid buying things on Sunday. This is the big Mormon goal, and it’s a glorious goal to Mormons.

However, many Mormons stress about their loved ones who may not make it to this wonderful place because of their decisions (e.g. gay Mormons). Even though they believe this place is going to be full of endless happiness and glory, they dread the thought of not having their loved ones there with them. This seems so counterintuitive to me. I’ve explained it to several of my siblings: Why worry about me and my decisions, when they will most surely be extremely happy in the Celestial kingdom – even if I’m not there.

Are they really going to be miserable and sad if I don’t end up in the same place? Is my mother going to live an eternity in misery because I didn’t make it? If so, that’s no glorious kingdom. Let’s go one step further. Mormon doctrine teaches that men and women can become Gods and Goddesses. So let’s assume my parents do that – they become a God and a Goddess together. They create their own little world and populate it with people. What happens when their children on their planet go astray? What happens when they disagree with their decisions? Do my parents feel miserable? Do they consider themselves failures? If this is the Celestial scenario, it sounds more like hell than anything. And Mormons really don't believe the Celestial kingdom will be miserable like this.

So it comes down to this: If my family members truly believe their Mormon faith, then they need to trust that God will work it out and that they will be happy in heaven. They need to trust that God really does know what he’s doing. They need to trust that the Plan, the Mormon Plan, really is as great as they profess it to be.

To me, and this might sound silly, their concerns about the afterlife show a lack of faith. Who am I to judge my family’s faith? I’m their brother and son, so I can. ;)

Perhaps my family would argue that they will be happy in the afterlife, but that they will always worry about me and my decisions while here on Earth. That’s probably true, but it’s still a lack of faith on their part. They can’t see the front to the end. They don’t know how things are going to turn out – not for me, not for themselves, not for anyone. They just need to trust in a loving, caring God who will work things out.

Ultimately, I’ve concluded that my family believes that God is a failure. God has more than six billion children on Earth, yet less than 0.2% of them are Mormon and will return to him. Let’s assume missionary work really takes off and tons of people start accepting Mormonism now and in the afterlife. Fine. Let’s say a solid 40% end up accepting Mormonism. Fine. Still, that would mean 60% of his children did NOT make it back to him and his kingdom, and I suppose that would mean God is a failure. He did not succeed in saving all his children or even a majority. Heck, even if 95% make it back, there are still 5% who won’t. Is God miserable? Is he depressed beyond belief? Does he start the day with Zoloft? Honestly!

I know that Mormons don’t believe God is miserable. They actually believe he is disappointed / saddened by those who don’t choose his path -- even God experiences sadness and emotions. Nonetheless, overall he’s happy. So, in conclusion, if that’s the case, then my family needs to focus on being happy despite my decisions and the decisions of their loved ones. God will ensure they are happy overall, I'm sure.

I really do have a problem with this whole scenario. I just don’t think God is angry and disappointed with 99.8% of his children. I think God loves them all, unconditionally – that’s what I’ve been taught, and I still believe that. I think God is understanding and loving. I think God just wants us to love each other unconditionally. I really do believe life is about love, and I hope my family can love me and be happy for me, regardless of my sexuality. I hope they can eventually look past my sexuality and start judging me on things that matter -- clothing, hair style, and shoes, for example. ;) Or maybe just stop judging me all together.

That will never happen. I’m asking too much.

Clearly I'm the one who's full of shit ...

2007-04-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your comments! I was very touched by your comments and by the fact that several of you still check this site on occasion. I wish I weren't so unpredictable with my posts these days.

Anyhow, I want to address a few comments and then give a little update.

So, Playasinmar pointed out that I said the following in one of my first posts: "I was not born a homosexual; rather, certain events in my life led to my current situation (I know this for sure)."

Isn't that funny? Clearly I have become "less sure" on that point. Ha! I'm glad he pointed out my obvious hypocrisy. I've thought about this, and I realize that I have started believing that my sexuality is more biological / genetic than environmental.

Am I being brainwashed by the gay community? Am I looking for justification? Am I manipulating reality? I'm not really upset that I have changed my mind -- just genuinely surprised that I am flip flopping on this. I thought I was less wishy washy ... apparently not. ;)

I guess I used to feel that my fascination with boobies in or around the 2nd and 3rd grades was evidence of being born straight. I have since reconsidered. I also realized that I ignored other earlier signs of my homoness.

Without giving too many details, I do remember some homo moments with a boy my age when I was probably in the 1st grade or so. It was nothing serious or anything, but I think I chalked those up to “childhood experimentation” -- which they were, but which can't be ignored if I'm going to consider boob attraction as evidence of straightness.

Anyhow, interesting. It just goes to show how memories can be manipulated. As I get older, I'm sure of fewer things – that’s for sure.

Second comment -- Beck, I don't remember saying you're full of shit, but, as evidenced above, I don't remember things well. Ha! Can I write that off as a PMS moment?

And, now, my update:

I told my remaining two siblings. I approached them over Easter and confirmed to them what they had already suspected. It's never a comfortable conversation, and I really don't know how they feel about things, but it’s nice to have it over with. My sister just said she felt bad for me because of the complications it adds to life. (It was really nice to hear her express some sympathy because she had been pretty beotchy about the topic in previous conversations.)

My other brother didn't say a thing. Just nodded a lot while his wife talked. I guess that means he doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't agree with my decision, so what can he say? I don't know.

I haven't heard from either sibling since telling them. This was three weeks ago. I figure they'll need some time to deal, so I haven't tried contacting them. I should give them a call before too much time passes.

I just have mom left to tell ...

I hope/pray she will be ready for the news. She's just so fragile and takes things so personally.

Well, there's the update.

Hope all is well with you.

GM

Alive

2007-04-02T02:09:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a long while because 1) I feel this blog has served its purpose, 2) I've been busy, and 3) a lot of people who know me personally know about this site. The anonymity is wearing thin, which makes being candid more difficult, which makes blogging less fun. Nonetheless, I figure I need to get over the last one because this blog really gets to the heart of me, so I shouldn't be afraid for people to read it. And I shouldn't be afraid of complete honesty.

Why is it that I'm so comfortable with strangers reading this, but not friends. I'm -- and I suspect many of you are -- so weird that way.

Quick update: Life is good. :) I'm just working and playing. I had a recent crush that totally put me through it, but I'm trying to move onward and upward. He lives 3000 miles away, and he's just not that into me. He's just so damn HOT! Grrr. I hate that I'm superficial. (And, yes, I will own my superficialness. For better or for worse, I only want to date people to whom I have physical attraction -- in addition to personality attraction, emotional attraction, etc. This is a response to a comment about my superficialness.)

I have several emails that I just checked for the first time in three months. Forgive me for not responding earlier. I will try to get to them in the next few weeks.

One commenter asked: "Early in your posts you refer to an 'event' that led you to become gay. What was this event? What are your current thoughts as to the source of being gay?"

Hmmm. I don't remember mentioning any event. I'd have to read my post to see the context.

I honestly don't know why I'm gay. I've said that from the beginning, and I still say that. It could be genetic or biological, or it could be environmental. I still haven't ruled out the latter (which I'm sure horrifies many gay rights people ... sorry). I haven't ruled it out because I remember several occasions when I was aroused by looking at boobies in nudy magazines. This was back in the third and fourth grades -- pre-pubescent.

Yes, I agree that my reaction to boobies in third and fourth grade is very inconclusive evidence of environmental causation. But I do find it interesting. My first "gay" memories began in 5th grade. I remember being attracted to the new boy in class and wanting to get to know him and be his friend. It was all down the gay hill from there. :) I really don't remember being very attracted to women after 5th and 6th grades.

Anyhow, I guess I'd say it's probably a combo of both. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I'm attracted to men and I want to be with men. And I will act accordingly. :)

That said, I have realized more than ever in the past year that sexuality isn't everything. I've always believed this, but it keeps popping up as a huge truism in life. I believe the gay community -- for better or for worse -- blows sexuality out of proportion. Sexuality is definitely important and relevant, but there's a whole lot more to life than sexuality.

Whenever I find myself dwelling on my sexuality and my love for men and my desire to have a boyfriend or be with a guy, I find myself less happy. This is true for all things in my life -- I am not happy when I dwell on any one thing too much. I need balance, and I have to work to have that balance. It's huge.

Anyhow, hope all is well with the few people who still check this.

Best,
GM

Pretty or Personality

2006-10-23T02:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out with a group of gay guys – including the guy from Folsom and his funny friend. We had a great time. Again, I was faced with the same dilemma as last time. One guy has the looks. The other guy has the personality. What do I do?

I honestly love hanging out with Personality. He and I share the same sense of humor, and we can joke and talk with ease. I just love thinking back to our conversations because I start laughing again -- often out loud. His humor is so classic.

Not only is his personality funny, but he's also smart and successful. He has a great education behind him, and he is currently working for a great company in a great position.

Because I’m psycho, I start to entertain the thought of spending my life with him. It would be great in so many respects. He's one of those people who makes you want to achieve more, push yourself a little harder, do something great/noble. I think we'd be a winning combo in that respect.

I also think he's a really genuine person who would stick with me during thick and thin. He makes fun of the foggy thing many gay men call "commitment." I just think he is really interested in having a meaningful, long-term relationship.

He invited me to stay at his house last night. All of these thoughts were on my mind as we were driving back to his place. I mean, I could date him and have a great time. I'd laugh a lot. I'd be driven to success. I'd have a loving, committed partner. So what if I'm not romantically tied to him. So what if I am not attracted to him physically. I'm sure I could make this work, and it makes sense. The least I could do is try things out ...

At this point, reality hits me like a ton of bricks!

I COULD HAVE THIS EXACT SAME THING WITH A WOMAN!!!!

I dropped him off at his house and then went and spent the night with Looks.

Unattracted

2006-10-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

So, the guy that I had a huge crush on back in July ... not attractive to me AT ALL anymore! Very fascinating how quickly attraction can change. I just got to know the dude a lot better this weekend, and I quickly learned that his personality isn't a good fit with mine.

Attraction is such a weird thing!

David - THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT on my last post. :)

Comfy?

2006-10-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

I talked to my boss today about my sexuality. She was, as predicted, very cool with it. I went into her office, and she brought up my hickey (which is still very embarrassing). Yes, I had a fricking hickey from my night with Folsom boy. I have no clue how it got there. He honestly did not do any crazy kissing or sucking or whatnot on my neck, so it’s a mystery to me. Maybe in my sleep? ;) Kidding.

Anyhow, I just told my boss the hickey story, speaking as if she knew I was gay. It was an excellent approach because she knew I was gay, so it minimized the awkwardness. I’m pretty lucky because we ended up bonding during our convo. I’m so glad my boss is a woman, though. It would be different to talk to a male boss about my sexuality.

Speaking of telling men ... I also talked to a co-worker (via IM) about my sexuality. He also knew. Damn it! I’m sick of people knowing I’m gay long before I talk to them about it. Can’t just one of them act surprised! Do me a fricking favor and pretend you’re surprised the next time someone tells you he’s gay. It’ll make him feel better.

I’m still not comfortable enough to talk openly about my sexuality at work. Clearly people already know I’m gay anyway, so it probably doesn’t matter one way or the other.

My co-worker disagrees. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it at work because I didn’t want people to be uncomfortable. His response to that comment: “Don’t you think it makes people a lot more uncomfortable when they have to tiptoe around the subject because you aren’t open about it?”

NOT WHEN I’M THE ONE WHO FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE!!! When I said I don’t want “people” to feel uncomfortable, I was talking about ME! Of course people at work are “comfortable” with this topic. That’s what corporate America and American culture have taught us to be – comfortable with uncomfortable things. Nonetheless, I can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable. (Or a lot uncomfortable.)

And I can’t help but think (and notice) that others are uncomfortable underneath their comfortableness.

The least likely place to meet a quality guy ...

2006-10-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

My head hurts. My body aches. It feels like it’s 110 degrees in here. Yes, I’m sick. Ugh. I didn’t go into work today, so I guess this gives me a good excuse to post something to my long-lost blog.

I’m still alive. I don’t have a great excuse for not posting for such a long time. I just never felt like I had anything worth posting ... until two weeks ago. Two weekends ago I ended up going to the Folsom Street Fair. Has anyone heard of this? Well, let me wrap it up for you in four words: disgusting, horrifying, inappropriate, and wrong.

This fair was a very traumatic experience for me. I can’t even begin to tell you what I witnessed that day. I saw men masturbating in the street. I saw men receiving/giving blowjobs. I saw men being whipped and spanked and beat (I really do not understand the whole S&M culture). I saw an unbelievable amount of male genitalia. And all of this happened in broad daylight. I honestly felt so dirty and gross that I just wanted to go home and shower.

These men had no shame. Now, you may be thinking, “That sounds pretty hot.” Well, it wasn’t. There is an unwritten rule that only disgusting men/women can expose themselves. I feel bad for these guys. They obviously need attention and are willing to do anything for it.

Anyhow, let me get to the good part. At the end of the street, there was loud techno music playing (I hate techno) and a bunch of people dancing. A friend and I went dancing for about 20 minutes, and as we were leaving the dance area, I caught the eye of this really good-looking guy. He was fully clothed and looked very down to earth.

He turns to me and says, “You look out of place.” Which I did! I was wearing a polo shirt and jeans. Everyone around me was wearing leather, chains, or no clothes at all. I laughed, and we began chatting for a few minutes. Turns out he was not a fan of the street fair either. At the end of our convo, we exchanged contact info. I can’t tell you how excited I was. This guy was HOT! I’m not used to getting HOT guys’ numbers.

He and I started emailing that week, and then we arranged to meet up this past weekend. We went to dinner and then to a few bars. We then went back to his house. I had a great time with him that night. It had been so long since I had been with a guy – unfortunately, that was obvious.

Let me illustrate my point: while we were kissing, I accidentally lost my gum, and it ended up in his hair! Ha! I’m so retarded. It was so awkward having to stop making out so that we could cut the gum out of his hair. Talk about a turnoff.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, I had a great time with him. We don’t have the best chemistry, and I don’t see us ever dating, but he’s a great guy. I hope to stay friends with him.

It sucks because I am attracted to him physically, but our personalities aren’t a great fit. Isn’t that how it works, though? Either he’s good looking or he has a great personality. You can’t have both. Ha!

My Funky Balance

2006-07-30T03:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like I’ve really struck a funny balance in my life. It’s a good thing. I have been living this weird balance for quite a while, but as of the last few weeks, I’ve really started to embrace this balance. I like it. I like where I’m at right now. Things are good.

I’m referring mainly to the balance between my religion and my sexuality. Right now, I basically live most of the tenets of the Mormon faith, except I date guys and do gay things. I doubt my family or the church would approve of this balance, but I like it.

I’m posting about this because three or four months ago I was really questioning how closely I should follow Mormon principles. I had started to consider drinking and living a “less conservative” lifestyle. After all, I have plenty of questions about my faith, and I personally don’t think drinking is a big deal. I also don’t think kissing and having a good time with other men is bad.

But then I started to realize that the only motive I have for drinking is social pressure. I would love to go out to a bar and actually order a beer or an alcoholic beverage with my co-workers. I don’t think I’d necessarily enjoy the taste or the buzz or whatever, but I would like to feel a part of the group.

Then I realized that that motivation is the worst motivation ever. I like who I am. I like being unique. It is those same social pressures that made me want to find a wife and get married (a bad choice, in my opinion). It's just that simple desire to fit in and be a part of the majority.

I've simply re-realized that I like my minority status and my unique upbringing. I like that I’m a minority of a minority. Being Mormon segments me. Being gay and Mormon makes me even more unique. I like my heritage. I like my church. I like what it teaches. Why should I start to drink just to fit in? So stupid.

Now, this isn’t to say that I’ll never start having drinks. It’s very possible that I’ll start to drink alcohol at some point. I don’t know. For now, I’m good. And if I do decide to drink, I just know that my motivation should NOT be social pressures.

Regarding being “less conservative” ... I decided that I really want to find a Mormon guy who is gay and still lives his religion. I think I’ve found that with my crush in Utah. (We’ve texted a few times, but we still haven’t talked on the phone, by the way.) He is cute, loves his religion (but not too much), goes to church, wants to find the perfect guy, is funny, etc.

Admittedly, I don’t know him well. But I decided that I want someone like that (which may be the impossible dream). And if I want to get someone like that, then I had better try to be somewhat like that. It makes me feel better about not having much gay loving these days. It’s been a while …

But that’s okay. If I meet someone worth kissing, dating, etc., I’ll go for it. Until then, I’m going to keep living this funky balance. It’s working ... at least for now.

(This is actually a photo of me ... a first on this blog. Nice profile shot, eh? I'm wearing a crazy/cool wig, hence the funky hair. My amazing friend took this photo last night at a dance party. I was talking to someone next to the door, and my friend thought the lighting and curtains made for a cool picture. She was right.)

I may be infatuated, but at least I'm not in-fat-u-ated.

2006-07-26T01:39:00.000-07:00

I texted him today. Not as good as a phone call, but it was a good ice breaker for me. We had a fun little text convo (probably four or five each), and that was it. I actually let him send the last text because I don't want to overdo it. I can be a little overwhelming, so I'm trying to be careful.

Yes, Dave, I probably am infatuated. I googled it. I liked this analysis of it best (though I didn't spend much time researching the topic). I definitely have many symptoms of infatuation. I'm trying to control it, and that's why you all need to help me!!!

Thanks for keeping me grounded. It really is just a stupid little crush (based in infatuation). I will try to keep that in mind.

Even though I recognize what it is and isn't, this attraction is still so hard to control! Grrr. Gotta hate emotions.

My dream is turning into a nightmare ... somebody help me please

2006-07-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

This is the fourth time that I've started writing something for this entry, and I refuse to delete one more time. This is staying. I'm just trying to determine the tone of this post. I don't know if I should go for the "I'm pathetic and need help" tone or the "I think relationships and dating and attraction all suck" tone.

I seem to have used the latter in recent posts, so I guess I'll let my guard down and beg for help.

Here's the situation: I can't stop thinking about NY boy. Damn him and his attractiveness. I realize that I'm retarded and that I'm infatuated with a guy who lives too far away, but I can't help it. And though time will solve that problem, I don't know if I want it to.

So what do I do?

Do I try to start a long-distance friendship (and hope it develops into something more in the future)? Or do I let it go and just let time rid me of this little thing we call attraction?

Okay, let's assume I go for the first option. How much interest do I show in this fellow? I mean, it's not like we can date each other when we have Nevada between us. However, I'd love to get to know him. You never know what the future holds. If he were worth it, I'd move back to Utah.

So I emailed him a week ago, and it took him five days (a very painful five days) for him to reply. He says he doesn't get online much these days. But, honestly, how can he survive without the Internet at least a few times a week? In any case, he was kind enough to provide his phone number. I just don't know if going straight to the phone is the best method.

However, he doesn't use email nearly enough, and it drives me crazy, but I don't want to seem like a stalker who needs communication every other day (even if that might be true).

I'd really love to hear your thoughts on how I should approach this relationship. Remember that I'm relationshipally retarded and I need all the help I can get. Comment here or email me at gay.mormon@yahoo.com. FOR THE LOVE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!

A Dream Come True...

2006-07-18T00:52:00.000-07:00

My life fricking rocks. I don’t know if I say that enough, but it’s true. You will never believe what happened to me last night. This was honestly one of the craziest, coolest things ever!

I need to give some background first …

So, last year when I was in New York, I met a really good-looking guy in my ward. We’ll call him Jason. Jason and I became ward friends very quickly, meaning we would talk at church, but that was about it. We never hung out or anything, but we had good conversations during services. And he was friendly, cute, spiritual, funny, etc., so naturally I had a crush on him.

However, he was also engaged. As a result, I immediately labeled him as “unavailable” and didn’t think too much about him.

Well, yesterday, a friend of mine (who is also gay and Mormon) said some of his gay Utah friends were in town for the weekend. He invited me to hang out with them in the city. When I arrived, my Bay Area gay Mormon friend started the usual introductions. He said, “this is so-and-so, and this is so-and-so, and apparently you already know Jason.”

I gave my friend a funny look and said, “I do?” I then looked at Jason for a second. His face did seem familiar. Then Jason said, “Yeah, we met in New York. We were in the same ward.” It took me a few seconds longer, and then it clicked!

I blurted out, “You were engaged!!!”

He started laughing, and said, “Yes, good memory.” I asked if he was STILL engaged or married. He said no. I was a little confused at this point because I didn’t know if he was a straight guy hanging out with some homo momos, or if he was gay like the rest of us. He confirmed that indeed he is gay.

I felt bad that I didn’t recognize him, but can you blame me? He was out of context. I thought he was straight! I didn’t expect to meet him in a gay setting! Anyhow, he apparently broke off his engagement just a few weeks after I left New York.

So the night progresses.

I’m already very excited that my former crush is gay, but then the night got even better. Somehow we ended up in a club (kind of a long story), and Jason and I ended up dancing together. Very closely at times. Very, very closely. I can’t even begin to describe how cool this experience was.

I was in heaven. I was literally living some sort of dream reality. It was amazing. This guy whom I had swooned over for several weeks in New York was actually dancing with me. This was like some sort of gay romance novel, but better.

Unfortunately, that’s pretty much the end of the story. Nothing happened after that. Even worse, I later found out that he is kind of at the beginning of a relationship with another guy. But I don’t care. I had a great night. We just had a good time dancing and messing around. We would freak, and I liked it a lot. I don’t know how much was playful or how much was meaningful to him, but I loved it all. I now want to move back to Utah.

Of course, I won’t do that. I would never move to another state or change my job for a guy I hardly know. Needless to say, I wish I knew him better. I wish he were out here.

It’s kind of funny to contrast and compare this post with my last two …

Remember how I was all up in arms about that guy I really liked? So much for those feelings. Those attractions/emotions have more or less dropped off the radar. It’s amazing what a new crush can do for you. I am now very okay with just being friends with my Bay Area buddy.

Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. I hate it when I do that. It’s probably a good thing that my NY crush is living in Utah and not here. I’m probably not ready for a relationship. I am too fricking retarded emotionally/relationshipally.

I’m just happy that I was able to live the first chapter or two of a gay romance novel. Now I have weeks to dream about the happy ending ...

Safe Attraction

2006-07-08T02:10:00.000-07:00

“I'm convinced that when we are unsure of ourselves, as in my case, we tend to be attracted to those that we know deep down aren't attracted to us in the same way - for there is safety there, something that keeps the barriers up so that we don't really have to struggle with the hard questions of proceeding in a relationship, because we know that the attraction is one-sided. It's happened to me constantly. I'm attracted to the guy that will never by attracted to me. It's a game. It's full of fantasy but not reality. You know why? Because, it's safe.” ~ Beck

That is deep. I had never really considered it. When I first read it, I thought to myself, “Beck is full of shit.” But then I started thinking about my situation. Indeed, this is a safe attraction. Indeed, this is a completely irrational attraction. Maybe Beck is onto something.

Honestly, my attraction to this dude is so unfounded. Yet, I’m still attracted to him. It simply doesn’t make sense on so many levels. And I RECOGNIZE this! Yet, I’m still attracted to him. I HATE feeling this way. HATE.

So what do I do? It’s obvious that we won’t ever date. Yet, he wants to be friends and hang out. However, I hate how I feel when I’m around him because he just stirs way too many feelings. But he is fun. And we have mutual friends. So I can’t just stop hanging out with him.

So I tell myself to just treat him like any other friend. But I end up overanalyzing everything he says and everything I say. I start strategizing. I think about my next “move” and how to “react” to his moves. It’s horrible. I end up not being myself and just being retarded.

I feel trapped. I seriously thought about just moving out of the state. But that’s when I knew I had reached a new level of crazy! I couldn’t believe that I even let that thought run through my head! I’m so effing ridiculous! Why am I letting this person affect me?

Perhaps it’s because it’s a safe attraction. I don’t know. But I don’t like it. And if you have suggestions for changing things, let me know. I hate how I’m handling this right now.

I hate emotions

2006-07-02T04:12:00.000-07:00

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: emotions and attraction suck!!! I hate them. I don’t understand them. But they piss me off.

Remember the one gay Mormon guy I’m attracted to? Well, yeah, I’m still highly attracted to him, yet he is NOT interested in me at all. Grrr. He is fine with being my friend, but he wants nothing more.

Life just isn’t fair! The unrequited love story is the oldest and most common story in the book. Why! Why can’t I just turn off this attraction? Why can’t I just talk myself out of it? I tried ... didn’t work. Why can’t I make him attracted to me?

I realize that I’m asking the most fundamental questions in life. I realize that this topic has been hashed and rehashed in literature, movies, plays, music, and real life. Yet, I can’t help but whine about it.

You know what the WORST part is! If he were into me, I probably wouldn’t feel nearly as attracted to him. He isn’t my typical type – neither personality wise nor physical wise. But I always seem to want what I can’t have. Another typical problem in my life.

Okay, I’m going to go mope now. I’ll be praying that God will make me not attracted to him anymore.

Happy Father's Day!

2006-06-19T02:57:00.000-07:00

Why do I always decide to blog at 2 a.m.? Damn myself.

I just finished up a really great weekend! I couldn’t be more pleased. I did a lot of dancing. I had a friend visit from out of town. I hung out with some cool new gay Mormon fellas -- three to be exact. It really was a good weekend all together.

Saturday night the gay Mormons and I went out for dinner. (By the way, they are all good-looking guys, but the one is especially attractive to me. Don’t worry: he’s not interested in me.) I have known the one guy for many months via IM. The other one I had met online, and he brought his gay Mormon friend along (that makes four of us). In any case, it was really nice. I really enjoy gay Mormons a lot.

I love all people, but I think it’s hard for gay people to understand me like other gay Mormons understand me. Does that make sense? It might just be my perception. Anyhow, two of the gay Mormons ended up coming to church with me today! Ha! The three of us sat on a row together, and I couldn’t help but laugh inside. I never thought I’d see the day when I would be sitting next to two gay Mormon dudes in sacrament meeting.

The gay church day got even BETTER when the high councilman delivered his inspired message on gay marriage! What are the odds of that happening on the one day I bring two gay friends to church with me? The speaker’s main topic was actually the sanctity of marriage or something, but of course he began by talking about gay marriage. It was very funny. I was chuckling to myself the whole time.

Horray for my new-found gay Mormon friends...

As for the rest of the day, I had dinner at my brother’s house. That was nice. And then I called my father for Father’s Day. Sigh. That brings up a whole other issue...

I've realized some things in recent months. This is a sad admission, but I've realized that I don’t really feel any warm, loving feelings for my father. I say I “love” him, but I don’t know that I do. I certainly RESPECT him. He’s a very strong person. He’s sacrificed so much for me and my family. I recognize that he has done an incredible job raising his family ... but I don’t feel emotionally attached to him.

I feel guilty even admitting all this. I mean, he has given me so much. I have never wanted for anything. And, please, don’t get me wrong: I appreciate and am so thankful for everything he has given me!! I just wish that we had a strong father-son bond. We don’t. We have a very cordial relationship. We speak on the phone, and we can talk about bland subjects like the weather, the status of my job, my latest car issues, etc., but it’s emotionless speech. We just go through the motions.

I used to want to improve it, but now I don’t even care. I consider it a lost cause. We’re different people (though we do share many common traits). We’ve just missed that window of opportunity for building a loving relationship. Now we must settle for our “pleasant” relationship. We get along fine, so I probably shouldn’t ask for more.

Heck, I don’t know many guys who have really loving relationships with their fathers anyway. Maybe that’s just the way life is between most fathers and sons. My expectations or perceptions of father-son relationships are probably too high.

My father is great. As the provider for my family, he has always performed like a champ! I really have never gone without. I feel very fortunate about that. More importantly, he has always been a great role model of integrity, strength, courage, and level-headedness. I am lucky to have the father I have. I really am. God bless him. I just wish I felt the same way I think... Does that make sense?

Honestly, though, that’s the story of my life: I feel one way; I think another.

If you're anti-gay, you're probably gay

2006-06-15T01:25:00.000-07:00

So I had coffee with a gay guy last night! This was the first gay date I've had since the doc ... it's been a few months.

Ironically, the guy is Mormon. Ha! He was very pleasant and nice. I would love to get to know him better. However, I don't really want to get into a relationship quickly like I did last time.

I just can't get over the fact that I met another gay Mormon randomly. I was "browsing" for other gay men on myspace in my area, and he popped up. Then I looked at his hometown – UTAH! Gotta love it. I knew the odds were high that he was Mormon – he is.

I'm telling you: I think the gay ratio among Mormons is significantly higher than the general population's gay ratio. I could be wrong. I just think Mormons are way closeted about it.

In fact, I would bet my life that two of my good Mormon guy friends are gay ... but they are super anti-gay. It's weird. Actually, it's not ...

I picked up this really liberal-looking book the other day at Costco. I can't remember the title (something about how conservatism is ruining the nation). I'm always sucked into books that bash conservatives because conservatives like myself make for good jokes so often!

Anyhow, one of the chapters was on gays in America and how the ultra-conservatives are irrational about the whole topic. Anyhow, the book highlighted a study performed by the University of Georgia in 1996 (I made sure to remember all these details because I found it so fascinating). In the study, they took a random group of homophobic/anti-gay men and a random group of indifferent/accepting men. The men in both groups were self-proclaimed "straight" men.

The researchers hooked these men's penises up to the boner-detector thing that measures a man's sexual arousal. They then subjected the men to three types of porn: lesbian, straight, and gay. They found that the homophobic group of men was MORE THAN TWICE as likely to be aroused by gay porn as the non-homophobic group!!! HAHA!

Moreover, the researchers found that only 20 percent of the homophobic men showed "little to no arousal" to the gay porn!!! Those closeted, self-haters need to get a grip!

The point: if you're anti-gay, you're probably gay. The chapter in that book was classic. It literally had me laughing out loud in Costco on several occasions. If I could remember the name of the book or the author, I’d mention it. Too bad. Whatever ... I'm sure this stuff is all on the Internet for the curious at heart.

By the way, I realize that the study may have been flawed. But for me, the study is hilarous and true!

Michael Soldier

2006-06-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

I’m a sketchy person. It’s official. My recent behaviors have proven this to myself. I’ve been reluctant to blog about my sketchiness because it’s a little embarrassing, but I’ve blogged about a lot of embarrassing things, so I decided I shouldn’t let the embarrassment factor hold me back. Plus, my sketchiness provides for a pretty damn funny story, so I can’t hold back.

So, I occasionally – okay, often or frequently might be more accurate – go to Craigslist.org to browse the “Men Seeking Men” area of the site. This little game started as a just a game. In fact, I was introduced to it as such. A friend (the doc, actually) showed me the site, and we would laugh at all the really sketchy ads.

For those of you who don’t know this already, Craigslist’s personals are not about relationships. They are about quick hookups. That’s it. As such, people say the most ridiculous/inappropriate/funny things on their ads.

Anyhow, I would go and look through the ads and laugh at them. Then I got to the point where I’d find the rare good-looking guy. Of course, I’d be very tempted to email. Eventually, I caved to the temptation and did email one or two of the guys, knowing the entire time that I wouldn’t likely enjoy a quick hookup. Why? Because I know I am just trying to fulfill deeper needs through sketchy sexual encounters.

Well, one of the guys emailed me back. It was short: “What are you doing tonight?” Or something to that effect. I couldn’t meet up with him that night. Though a little disappointed, I was relieved because I’ve never done a random hookup. Hell, I’ve never hooked up period.

The next night it was the same story – short email asking what I was doing that night. I emailed him back a few times, trying to figure out his expectations of the encounter. I wasn’t prepared to lose my virginity to a random guy, so if he wanted sex, he could count me out. I found out he just wanted to exchange massages and jo together (or at least that’s what he said). This is so sketchy. I know. I told you I’m sketchy.

In any case, I told him I’d be in the city very late (though in actuality I had no plans to go in). That night, I left some friends’ house at 1:30 a.m. I drove immediately into the city (a 30-minute drive), leaving my phone open with his number on the screen.

When I got to the city, I drove to the gay district. I parked my car and sat. I had to think things through. What was I doing? Was I really going to get a massage with some random guy from Craigslist?

While sitting in my car, a guy walking down the sidewalk made eye contact with me. He stopped outside my car, bent down, and looked in the window. I made eye contact again, but then I just looked away. He was alright looking, but I was NOT going to pick up some manwhore from the street. I’ll meet some random person off the Internet for a quickie, but I will not let random dudes off the street get into my car. I have standards, damn it. (Rolling my eyes)

The guy just stood outside my door for five minutes. It was an awkward five minutes, characterized by me looking out the opposite window and pretending to talk on the phone. He wouldn’t leave. I actually had to drive down the street a few blocks and park again in order to think in peace.

I sat in my new parking space for twenty minutes thinking. Contemplating. Finally my logic kicked in. I concluded that my whole intention of going to the city for a hookup was wrong on many, many levels – consider the health risks, the safety risks, and the emotional risks to name a few of the wrong aspects. More importantly, I re-realized that I want more than a hook up (something I've known all along).

I threw my car into drive and went home. I didn’t call Mr. Massage.

I’ve said it many times on this Website, but I'll say it again: I want a meaningful relationship with a guy. By meeting random guys, I am just trying to fulfill unmet needs through less-than-healthy means. And, by golly, if I do decide to hook up with someone, it’s going to be after I get to know the person a bit. I just can’t do it in the typical Craigslist’s way.

I drove home with a very real sense of satisfaction – perhaps greater satisfaction than I would have experienced had I gone through with my intentions.

Well, you think the story ends here ... nope. It gets better.

So I came home, and the next night I was explaining to DCTwistedLife via IM my experience from the night before. He asked to see the guy’s ad, which I shared with him gladly. Suddenly, DCTwisted announced excitedly that this guy has a Web site ... a not-so-kid-oriented Web site, if you know what I mean. What? How did he find this site?

DCTwisted did what I SHOULD have done from the very beginning: he googled the guy’s name. I had figured the guy was using a fake name, so I hadn't bothered. Anyhow, funny enough, when you google the guy’s name, up pops a porn site with his name on it. We just thought it must be a funny coincidence. This guy must have chosen a porn star’s name to use on Craigslist ads.

Then DCTwisted started SHOUTING (writing in CAPS):

“THE EMAIL ADDRESS IS THE SAME!!!!”

This is just too classic to be real. Hahaha! Indeed, the email address the guy had used with me was the SAME as the email address on the porn site!!! Come to find out, this guy I nearly got a massage from is a porn star of sorts! What are the odds!?

It’s funny because he even advertises massage services on his site. He must really like giving/receiving them. (And I could have gotten one for free! Dang! Business must be tough right now.)

Anyhow, I was a little flattered that a porn star hit me up for a massage night. But I wasn’t flattered that he has probably been with an innumerable amount of men. That might be an unfair assumption. I might just be stereotyping – I'm sure there are virgin porn stars out there. To his credit, he had even told me in an email that he wasn’t interested in sex ... just massage and jo.

For the curious, the guy’s site is www.michaelsoldier.com. BE WARNED: HIS SITE IS PORNOGRAPHIC!!!! (Now you see why I didn't take his name seriously ... Michael Soldier!)

I laugh at this experience, but I learned a very valuable lesson: I am a sketchy person and I need to be careful.

I'm going to live!

2006-05-26T01:48:00.000-07:00

I really liked all the comments on the last post. Very entertaining. Thanks for posting them.

You’ll all be relieved to know that I am recovering well from my horrible disease. I finally caved and went to the doctor last Saturday to get an antibiotic. Besides getting the antibiotic, the doctor visit was worthless (that was my second visit ever to the doctor’s office – I’ve lived a fairly healthy life).

Anyhow, my visit confirmed my belief that going to the doctor for illnesses other than cancer is stupid. Let’s be honest ... I only went because I feared the lumps in my neck were cancerous. (My hypocondriacness got the best of me.) After a few short questions and a couple pokes, the doctor sent me on my way with some pennicillin. She didn't even really pay attention to the lumps in my neck. For all she knows, I could have alien babies growing in my neck!

Enough of the doctor soapbox. < / soapbox >

So I did go to the Web site www.perfectrighteousness.com as one reader suggested. The tone is very protestant/baptisty. The whole site really rips the Mormon doctrine of salvation and forgiveness. Most readers probably know this already, but Mormons believe salvation requires both works and grace. How dare the Mormons suggest salvation is not simply a matter of saying, “I accept Jesus”! Ha!

No, I appreciate that Web site's perspective on religion. I think all of us have a lot to learn about grace and Christ’s atonement.

That said, I doubt I could ever be Christian if I’m not Mormon. I just have a hard time with a lot of mainstream Christianity – likely a result of growing up in a very structured church. I would just have to find spirituality through other means. I would have a hard time attending any other organized religion.

Isn’t it interesting how very few openly gay men participate in organized religion? Maybe that’s not true. That’s just how it seems to me. In fact, my friend, Amber, was telling me how she thinks it’s so odd that I’m religious and gay (i.e., that I still go to church and don’t have a problem with Christianity). She said all of her gay friends have a lot of resentment toward religion. I can understand their concerns.

Anyhow ... I’ve been hanging out with Mormons a lot lately. I really love Mormons. I just wish I had a chance with some of the guys. Ha! My roommate asked me the other day why I hang out with Mormons when I know I won’t be able to hook up with any of them (he knows I’m gay).

I think it’s pretty simple: I have a good time when I’m with Mormons. Sure, I might not have a chance at a relationship with any dudes, but I do have a very good chance of making friends for life. It’s time well spent, in my opinion.

Hell

2006-05-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

I have come down with this horrible cold. Not only do I have a cold, but I have these little lumps at the base of my head and a lot of soreness in the neck. Probably cancer. (I’m a bit of a hypochondriac – it’s always cancer.)

I actually started thinking about what I’d do if I died the next day. I must admit that I would start praying. Mainly for mercy. Heaven knows I’ve got sins. Is my gayness (and gay actions) part of those sins? Dunno. But I sure hope God would be merciful.

If I do end up in hell (along with all you other gays out there), I’ll be sad to not have my family with me. But at least I’ll be surrounded by a lot of funny people. I think the funniest people probably go to hell. See … even hell has benefits.

Changing Minds ...

2006-05-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

I love my friends. Did I mention that I came out to my best friend from SLC back in January? Actually, I might not have mentioned it. I believe at the time I had a good reason for withholding that info. But I don’t remember that reason.

Anyhow, it was a little awkward for me and her at first. When I would talk about going on dates with guys, it would make her feel uncomfortable. So I decided it would be best to stop talking about my dates with her. That was a good call.

I knew she was sympathetic, but she disagreed with my choices. I didn’t realize how much she really felt for me, until yesterday. I was talking to her, and she told me how she got in an argument with some guys at a party over homosexuality. Apparently some of the guys (mainly just one of them) were being extremely homophobic and irrational about the topic. But don’t worry: she set them straight … er … showed them the gay perspective.

This friend is a FANTASTIC debater. She kicked their asses! That was the consensus from the spectators at the party. Anyhow, she debated the issue with passion, compassion, and intelligent arguments. The guy argued himself into a corner with his homophobic rhetoric.

I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of my friend. In fact, I’m positive that I wouldn’t have been nearly as passionate about the topic had I been there. I would have discussed it, but I know I wouldn’t have been as harsh. She really cornered the guy in his stupidity. Ha!

I always thought coming out would help my friends and family better understand and appreciate the issue. I’m glad I was right.

Here is my favorite part from our online conversation:

Friend: “You have expanded my views a lot.”
Me: “I must admit that I doubt I would have been as passionate in my arguments.”
Friend: “I think I was passionate because I feel like they are saying it to/about you - and that gets the emotion in it.”

For some reason I was touched by that part. It makes coming out all worth it. :)

Isn't it obvious that I'm gay?

2006-05-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

I had such a good day at church today. Not only did I get to chat with a cool guy in my ward, but I also became friends with some really cool girls. I anticipate some great friendships with these girls. (Like I've said before, the church makes meeting people really easy.)

I am a bit concerned, though. I feel bad that these girls may be interested in more than just friendship. I don't know that they are, but I would hate to break their hearts down the road. It has happened before – which amazes me, by the way. I still can’t figure out why people think I’m straight. Just because I don’t openly talk about being attracted to men does NOT mean I like women. Moreover, there are tons of signs that clearly indicate queer.

If I were to meet myself, I’d know I’m gay. It’s so obvious to me. For one thing, if I were interested in chicks, I'd be married by now. I am Mormon!!! You’d think most Mormon girls would consider that. After all, I’m charming, handsome, friendly, communicative, and essentially perfect – what else would be keeping me from marriage. (Joking, by the way!) Oh well ... people will figure it out, slowly but surely.

By the way, I am a little nervous about my boss finding out I'm gay. I recently learned that my boss is a very hardcore, Christian Republican (which is also a good way to describe my family, ironically), and I fear my boss may not be down with homo-ness. I would hate for my gayness to affect my job status. That would stink.

On another note, any good ideas for a mother's day present?

Loving Orson's metaphor ...

2006-05-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

Orson's metaphor for the toilet paper was extremely well put! (See previous post's comments.) I really had not even thought about a metaphor for the toilet paper; I was just complaining about my annoying one ply. Anyhow, the analogy was genius.

Who knew one-ply toilet paper could give me so much to think about?

(Though I have to say, I feel the metaphor would have been more relevant for me about a year ago. Regardless, it's a very applicable life principle, generally speaking.)

One Ply

2006-05-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

I bought a four pack of one-ply toilet paper over a month ago. I just barely finished the first roll. Will this shitty toilet paper ever run out?

Maybe this toilet paper is a metaphor for life ... probably not. Just a never-ending annoyance!

Wanna do something good for the environment? Buy one ply. Wanna make your ass hate you? Buy one ply.

And then there were ten minutes of silence...

2006-04-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight’s conversation really wasn’t much of a conversation. We had gone out for dinner and a movie (a stupid one at that – American Dreamz sucks), and then we had driven home in silence. Despite the silence, I think the 20-minute ride was one of the shortest in my life. I hate being the bearer of bad news.

However, I don’t think he was surprised. Neither of us was. It was just a conversation that we had to have. Again, it wasn’t much of a conversation.

He pulled up in front of my place, and we just sat there in silence for several minutes. Both of us knew what was coming. After a few minutes, I finally broke the ice. (I knew he wouldn’t – the sucker!) I said:

“Doc, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the awkwardness tonight. I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.”

A few moments of silence.

Me: “What are your thoughts?”

Doc: “Yeah, I think I started to notice just before I left town.”

Me: “Yeah, I agree.”

More silence.

Me: “The question now is how do we proceed?”

We both gave each other awkward smiles, indicating that neither really knows the best way.

More silence.

Me: “I wish I didn’t have every break-up cliché known to man running through my head ... let’s just be friends ... I think you’re a great guy ... I hope you find your dream guy ... I will always remember the good times.”

A chuckle from the doc. More silence. A lot more silence. For ten minutes, we just sat in silence holding each other’s hand. So, that’s what happens when two dudes break up. No communication at all. Actually, the silence said enough, and I don’t think either of us wanted to interrupt it.

No tears were shed. No emotions were really expressed (because a two-month relationship is so difficult to get over -- ha!). We just went through what we both knew was coming. I thought I could stick with the relationship until he left town for his residency, but I just couldn’t handle the awkwardness any longer. I knew that I wasn’t that emotionally connected to him. That's all I knew.

I don’t know how emotionally connected he was to me. It’s hard to judge because just yesterday he was texting things like, “I care about you a lot” and “I miss you so much.” But then tonight he didn’t seem that affected. I hope he wasn’t.

After 10 minutes of silence (which is a damn long time ... try sitting in a parked car for ten minutes straight without saying a word ... you’ll see how long that is!), I asked again:

“So, how do we proceed?”

“I would hope we can still be friends.”

“I want that too.”

So, there you have it. We ended our relationship like nearly every other couple on earth – as just friends. I actually think it will be easier for me to be friends with him now that we’ve had that talk. Now I won’t feel any guilt for not being that “into” him. I look forward to keeping in touch with him – if it happens.

Honestly, all the cliché things I thought and said to him – they were all true. He really is a phenomenal guy. He’s nice. He’s successful. He’s funny. He’s grounded. He’s cute. I really do wish him the best. I hope we stay in touch. But only time will tell ...

And, of course, once time tells me, I’ll tell the world wide web.

Down Time

2006-04-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't been posting lately is twofold: 1) I had some big projects at work and 2) I've got nothing new to report.

Things are just kind of ho-hum for the time being. I'm not complaining. It's nice to have a period where nothing is really happening. Even on the boyfriend front, nothing is really happening. The doc has been out of town for the past 2 weeks (he's been looking for housing in his new city). That's why nothing new has really happened.

Actually, that does bring up a new issue ...

With the doc leaving, I'm starting to realize that I'm going to have to find new friends ... again. I feel like the past year of my life has been a constant friend-making experience, which is good and bad. It's good because I have a lot of new friends in a lot of different areas. It's bad because though I love friends, I'm not a big fan of the "friend-making process." The whole "getting to know you" part just isn't the most fun. I realize it's a necessary evil, and that it can be fun. I'm just venting. This is my blog -- I can do that.

Anyhow, I am a little disappointed that I haven't made many "close" friends in the past year. I've moved around so much, it's been difficult to establish really deep, meaningful friendships -- though I have succeeded with one or two people. Unfortunatley, they don't live anywhere near me. I mean, even the doc falls into this category. I've become fairly close to him, but he's leaving in a month or so.

My new objective for the year: establish close, meaningful relationships with people in my area who plan to stay in the area.

Okay, well, I'm off to find more friends. I'll let you know how things go.

Conan O'Brien is easily the funniest late night talk show host.

2006-04-21T00:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing happening in my life right now. Just work. And South Park. And Will and Grace.

I told two more friends. Both are struggling with the church. I think that's why I felt so comfortable telling them. They were fine with it. They always are. I'm realizing that people just don't care that I'm gay -- i.e., they don't think any differently about me and they don't have time to analyze my issues when they have problems of their own to worry about. I guess I knew this beforehand, but it's nice to have it confirmed. I'm glad they have reacted as I anticipated they would.

It's funny how three of my closest friends have "lost" their testimonies in the last while. I'm really lucky because all my friends who have fallen away from the church are really down-to-earth, non-hateful people. None of them resents the church; they simply don't follow it or believe it much these days.

Please don't respond to the last paragraph with hateful church comments. For the record, the majority of my close friends are still active, church-going Mormons. The four of us are definitely exceptions to the Mormon rules.

Can I just vent something right now ... I really want to meet a good-looking, nice Mormon guy to date! That would be great! I just wish I could date someone who understands the religion issue. I realize that this will not likely happen -- especially in this area -- but I can dream, can't I?

Okay, that's all for today.

Back and forth, back and forth ... anyone sea sick yet?

2006-04-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

The doc and I just finished fooling around. How do I feel? Hmmm. Not guilty (it sounds like I'm in court). In other words, I don't feel bad about our little hanky panky. Maybe disappointed is the word. I'm not saying I didn't have fun ... I did. I’m just trying to figure out why I feel the way I do after any sort of intimacy.

Possible explanations :

1 - Maybe my expectations for gay intimacy are too high.

2 - Perhaps this means I don't have strong enough feelings for the doc.
3 - Maybe I’m overanalyzing these emotions and giving too much credence to one experience.
4 - Prepare yourself for this possible explanation ... Maybe this means gay intimacy isn't worth it. (Gasp!) Perhaps the church is right ... (Double Gasp!)

To be completely fair and honest with myself and with the rest of the world, I can't rule that last one out. As you all know, I still believe in many of the church’s doctrines, and the jury is still out on many others.

Does this mean I am going to run out and marry a woman? No. Does it mean I am going to live a celibate lifestyle? No. It simply means I am still figuring things out. It’s been nearly 1.5 years since beginning this blog, and I’m still unsure of so much. Sometimes I feel like I’m letting some of you down by constantly oscillating from one side to the other. But then I think, “These are my problems, damn it! I can oscillate if I want to!”

Switching gears ...

A friend asked if I feel inhibited to write about personal things now that I know my brother and his wife are reading this. I’ll admit that it’s a little awkward – after all, I do write quite candidly here. Nonetheless, I’ve been very open with them, and I would tell these things to their faces if they were to ask me. So, no, I don’t feel too inhibited knowing that they are reading this. They don’t have to read it if it’s over the top for them.

Plus, I’ve been trying to avoid giving too many details about personal experiences – just relevant details. Heck, if people wanted to read a porno story, they could hit up one of a billion other sites. They don’t need to hear about my pathetic experiences to get off. Ha!

Others asked if I fear that my bro and his wife might reveal my blog to others. No, I don’t fear that. They love and respect me, and they know that I want this to be as anonymous as possible. I trust them completely and know they will honor my wishes.

Gotta love my family!

I don't understand people who sniff household chemicals.

2006-04-04T00:55:00.000-07:00

I feel like I just drank a bottle of Lysol Mildew Remover through my nose. I cleaned my shower over three hours ago, yet the smell is still in my nostrils. I thought I was going to pass out and die while I was scrubbing the tub. Will this smell ever go away? Moving on ...

So many thoughts ... so little time.

First, conference weekend always stirs emotions. Let’s itemize a few of them:

1) nostalgia

2) peace

3) uncertainty

4) confusion

5) frustration

6) determination

7) sleepiness

Of course, I didn’t feel all these feelings at the same time. The nostalgia came when I thought of past conference weekends. General conference always involves friends and family, so I naturally started to miss all my friends and family in Utah.

I felt feelings of peace and comfort, which can be attributed to familiarity or the spirit (depending on your viewpoint). But these comfortable feelings went away when I started to think about the afterlife. I hate thinking about the afterlife. It creeps me out. I don’t want to rot in hell because I’m gay. I’m hoping that won’t be the result ...

However, I can’t help but wonder if that isn’t my fate. When I listened to the prophet express his deep, heartfelt belief in the church, I couldn’t help but think that this man has a greater understanding of life and its purpose than I.

I’ll tell you what ... if these guys (the leaders) are just talking out of their asses, they sure are convincing when they do it! Our dear prophet (whom nobody can bash on this site because he’s just the sweetest man alive) says so convincingly that he “knows” this is Christ’s one and only church! How could this kind, humble, honest, wholesome person fake something like that? (That question is rhetorical.) I did, however, wonder if he’s like many members who just hope it’s true and say they know it’s true, but who don’t really know.

I do get frustrated during conference, though. For example, I get annoyed when they …

1) hammer the same points over and over (every six months it's the same talks said differently).

2) focus so much on families that I can’t help but feel like a bastard child in the church (the church is ignoring its fastest growing demographic – young single adults).

3) don’t mention homosexuality (though I can understand why they wouldn’t).

4) say a woman’s proper role is at home with kids (even though I must admit I loved having a stay-at-home mom; nonetheless, I think that should be the woman’s decision).

5) ALL speak in their “conference” voices, which are rhythmic, unnatural, slow, and cheesy (tradition can be a bitch to break).

Besides those minor annoyances, I had a great weekend. The doc didn’t join me like he said he would. He couldn’t make it because of reasons x, y and z (which is fine by me). He assured me that he wants to come to church sometime, but we’ll see if that ever happens. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable taking him to my ward. That might be a little over the top for me. We'll have to see.

Anywho ... foxx had a great post today. Honesty is always the best policy.

P.S. I've been meaning to give a shoutout to my good friend's attorney brother-in-law in Arizona. Can't wait for Karaoke next year! Plan on it, pal.

Jewish Doctor to Attend Mormon Conference

2006-04-01T01:23:00.001-08:00

The doc is coming to General Conference with me tomorrow! Ha! For the clueless, the Mormon church holds a semi-annual, worldwide conference via satellite television. Church leaders address the members on various topics over the course of two days. If you're interested, it's streamed live over the Internet: www.lds.org.

The conference is a two-day event, comprised of five two-hour sessions -- a total of 10 hours. Don't worry, I always manage to sleep through at least one or two of the sessions. :) I'm such a horrible Mormon.

Anyhow, I think it's funny the doc wants to come! I did not pressure him at all -- I just invited. Plus, I think it'll be good for him to see things. Funniest part: he's a Jew! hahaha! This relationship cracks me up.

Tim, Welcome to Our Gay Blogging Family -- Home Away from Home!

2006-03-30T02:49:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the entertainment everyone. The dialogue certainly has me laughing. I only laugh because my brother is totally misrepresenting himself! It’s amazing how differently a person can be portrayed in writing.

If you all met my brother, you would all love him! I’m not kidding. I know it’s hard to believe because his writing has been so passionate and adversarial. (He just wants to get a rise out of people – which he’s done quite successfully.) But I assure you he is much more tactful and pleasant in real life. He’s equally passionate about his perspective in real life – don’t get me wrong – but he’s more empathetic and compassionate.

Honestly, he’s only this argumentative and combative with close friends and family members. So logically we can assume that my brother actually considers you all family. See, he loves you – but he masks it. He’s all about keeping things secret.

My brother? A therapist? Ha! He’s a doc, alright, but definitely not of the psychological type. Good laugh. Can you imagine him counseling someone? Say a schizophrenic person? I think it would go something like this:

“You and all the voices in your head need to stop whining. Your voices all have obvious liberal biases, but I think I can help. Let me give you a copy of my most recent publication: ‘What Brother Tim Thinks the Schizophrenic Religion Should Do to Become More Mainstream and Accepted.’ Read that, and the voices will go away.”

Bless my brother’s heart. He really is great. As I mentioned before, I am beyond lucky to have such caring siblings. He talks a mean game, but he’s very soft on the inside. He’ll love me forever – despite the choices I make – and he would even be the first to welcome a boyfriend of mine into the family.

Speaking of boyfriends, the other doc (which is now very confusing to say because my brother mentioned that he considers himself a doctor) and I hung out tonight. We had a nice relaxing evening. We also had a great weekend skiing. We’ve been having a lot of great times together. He’s a fantastic guy.

However, I didn’t realize how addicted I am to being single, so this is an adjustment for me – a sometimes difficult one at that. I'm just not used to answering to people. I’m not used to sacrificing for others. I’ve always just done my own thing. Heck, I’m realizing how selfish of a person I really am. I didn’t even think to ask what he wanted to watch on TV tonight. I just tuned it to the show I like and assumed he would like it too. He didn’t. Ha!

I remember reading on another gay Mormon’s blog that he felt like an infant when it came to relationships because he had never had them. That’s how I feel. I feel relationshiply underdeveloped. Because of that -- and other things -- I have considered jumping ship at least a hundred times so far. I do this whenever I find a mild flaw, whenever I feel mildly uncomfortable, or whenever I think of how much money I’ve spent since meeting him. Of course, I realize that I am being retarded and that I am just too used to my independence. So I stay the course.

Anyhow, things are going well between him and me. Considering the mandatory separation in June, I don’t know that our relationship will last all that long. Nonetheless, I’m enjoying my time with him for the moment. I hope to have -- at the very least -- a long-term friend. I’m so lucky to have someone who is so patient with me. He’s been completely supportive of cooling things down (tonight we just kissed – no hanky panky). I feel very lucky to have found such a great guy.

Maybe he and I will have to take Chip up on his offer for free tickets to a show in NY! Who knew this blog would ever pay off in a monetary sense? ;)

My brother will be starting his own blog soon ... iHateGayMormonsBlog.blogspot.com ;)

2006-03-28T01:27:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Tim, for keeping my blog active over the weekend. Ha! I was extremely surprised to see 28 new comments in my inbox. Even more surprising was my brother’s participation. Pretty funny, actually. I’m happy he’s willing to comment.

I must admit that I was not surprised by anything my brother said. He’s very open about his opinions, and he’s never afraid to take opposing viewpoints. Additionally, he’s never wrong. But neither am I, so it works out. :)

I just have a few comments before I go to bed tonight.

First, I see no harm in writing about my personal issues on this blog. Why? Because a) I believe in openness, b) I haven’t written anything too horrible, offensive, or embarrassing, and c) it has been a good outlet for me.

In fact, I disagree strongly with the idea that homosexuality – or any major struggle – should be hidden or covered up. Homosexuality is a very real thing, and I don’t think secrecy is good for the individual, the church, society, etc. Even if people believe homosexuals shouldn’t “act out” or live gay lifestyles, that doesn’t mean gay people will cease to exist. It’s an issue/topic that must be addressed -- and not just with religious leaders and family members.

I personally have struggled with homosexuality the most when I was secretive about it. Secrecy is the breeding grounds for trouble. I think Tim would agree with that statement.

Honestly, one of my pet peeves about church culture is the lack of openness. There’s so much shame, embarrassment, and secrecy associated with people’s real problems. I hope that culture changes – and I think it has been changing. Heck, if the church is serious about helping homosexuals, the culture must change.

But even if the culture doesn’t change, the facts remain: I am attracted to men, I have looked – and will likely look again – at porn, and I masturbate occasionally. If I’m serious about finding solutions or resolution to my struggles, then I must get past my ego.

To summarize, I don’t believe this personal issue should be limited to family and religious leaders. I have solicited advice and counsel from many sources – including BYU counseling, several religious leaders, my father, and even my loving, opinionated brother. I know their perspective, I appreciate that perspective, and I even agree with many elements of that perspective. But it’s not the only one out there, and I want to hear others. Hence, my blog.

Sorry, Tim. I will continue to blog about this. And I will also continue to talk to family members and religious leaders. And I will work hard to avoid hurting others via my blog.

I must say that I'm flattered by the amount of love my family has always shown me. I am very lucky to have such a supportive, loving brother like Tim. He, like many of you, wants what's best for me. I'm blessed to have him as my sibling.

Tim, you’re always welcome to comment here.

Doc wants to pray

2006-03-22T01:01:00.000-08:00

Things are going well. I didn't lose anything tonight, and we discussed my limits. To this point, he has been more than understanding. I can't believe how patient he has been with me. I didn't think any gay guy would be so willing to wait and go slow. As the doc has pointed out, one week is like one year in gay dating time, so we're doing pretty good. :) Ha! Honestly, we are doing well. I can't even begin.

Get this: he even asked me to teach him how to pray! He openly admits that he's not religious, but he said he'd like to feel more of a connection with God. I love that he's not threatened by religion or spirituality. He has been more than understanding and kind regarding my beliefs. I sometimes have a hard time with gay guys who hate religion so badly they twitch when the topic arises. Sure, I can appreciate their perspective, but sometimes the bitterness can be overwhelming.

For the record, I have not been pushing him to be religious, exercise faith, or start praying. I jokingly told him that he'd better pray the concert we're going to this Friday is pitch black; otherwise, we won't be touching much. (Yeah, still not comfortable with a lot of PDA, but neither is the doc.) After I said that, he said he'd like to learn how to pray. I really was impressed that he would even ask me to teach him. Anyhow, I'll let you know how that lesson goes. We haven't had it yet.

Oh yeah, so I'm going to a concert with two of my straight friends, and the doc is coming with. The two friends don't know we're gay and dating. That's why we are going to be acting very straight that night. Of course, my friends are going to find out sooner or later; nonetheless, I don't want them to find out at the concert when I introduce them to my new boyfriend. For now, they can just believe that the doc and I are only friends. If my two friends are perceptive, they probably already know I'm gay anyway.

In any case, I think both the doc and I are praying for a pitch black concert.

My First Gay Relationship (actually, my first relationship period)

2006-03-19T02:39:00.000-08:00

We had the best day today! He picked me up at 9:45 a.m. We went to breakfast together, and then we drove to the ocean (the car ride was so nice). At the ocean, we walked along the coastline and admired the beautiful scenery. After the ocean and some hiking around, we went back to the city and ate dinner. After dinner, we watched a movie together and made out. It was just a wonderful day!

So I guess we're dating. It's nice. I'm very unfamiliar with the ins and outs of dating. Regardless, I feel like it's moving a little quickly, as I mentioned last time. I told him I wanted to slow things down, and he said he is fine with that. Of course, this discussion took place after I "lost" something -- DHing. Don't worry. I am still a virgin ... technically. It's just way too easy for me to lose it ... he hasn't lost anything to date. ha!! It's obvious I'm the virgin.

Anyhow, I told him how I felt that my virginity is something very special and that I don't want to rush into losing it with a guy I've only dated for 1.5 weeks. He said he agreed that it's a big deal, and he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with. He's so fricking understanding! That's half the reason why he's so endearing.

I really like this guy. I'm excited to date him. I do get nervous, though, because he makes references to "our" future together quite a bit. Don't get me wrong -- he's great! I just don't think it's good for us to be talking about the long term after only 10 days of knowing each other. :) Plus, I'm scared of commitment, and this is my first relationship. I just need to go slowly.

I must admit that I'm a little sad about things. Why? Because I realize I am taking very formal steps away from the church. Sigh. I don't want to do that. I really do love the church. More importanly, I love my family. I don't want a boyfriend to complicate all of that.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that after losing it tonight, I was thinking, "I could totally go without this." Sure, having a boyfriend would be great on many levels. But I think relationships are inherently complicated, and sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. The celibacy really seemed doable tonight.

Okay, I'm starting to ramble. Good night. It's late for me.

I love my Mormon bishop.

2006-03-17T00:53:00.001-08:00

The guilt left after I slept on it. I woke up feeling normal. However, I did learn a lesson from my feelings of guilt -- I am going to slow things down. We'll see how he reacts to this. I really like the guy. He's great. He's a very genuine person. I like that about him. And of course he's good-looking, smart, successful, etc. That helps too.

However, he just graduated med school, and he will be doing his residency in St. Louis. He just foud out today that he didn't get "matched" with the program locally. That stinks. Now our relationship has an expiration date. He asked me if I would still hang out with him, despite the expiration date. I said yes. I don't know what else to say. I mean, yes, it sucks that he won't be around after June, but I am enjoying the time I am spending with him right now.

That brings me to my next dilemma ... if I know that nothing long-term is possible, then should I give him my virginity? I've decided, no. We'll see if I stick to it. I personally would like to tell all my family members before I lose my virginity. Why? Because I know they will all ask: "Have you done anything with a guy?" I want to be able to say, "Just make out."

That might be a stupid wish, but I think it would be harder for them if they found out I've been sleeping with guys. I'm positive that would be tougher for them to deal with. I really want the news to be as gentle as possible for them. But who knows when I'll get around to telling them (I want to do it in person, and I'm currently living out of state), so that wish might not come true.

By the way, I talked to my current bishop about my homosexuality last Sunday. It went extremely well. He is such a loving, caring man! I don't even hardly know the guy, but he really was wonderful. Of course, he wants me to live a celibate lifestyle, but his motives are based in love. He only wishes that for me because he truly believes that's what's best for me. Who knows ... celibacy may very well be the best option. I don't know.

Nonetheless, I was very honest and direct with him. I told him that I would have a hard time living a life alone, and that I will probably continue to date guys. He was as understanding as a straight bishop could be. He pointed out that I would have a very difficult time remaining active in the church while living a gay life. He's right. He said he is really happy I haven't stopped going to church, and he encouraged me to continue onward. I really loved talking to him. Like I said, I've only had positive experiences with bishops. I feel so bad for the few gay Mormons who have had negative experiences. I feel like those bishops are a small percentage of all Mormon bishops, but I could be wrong. I only say that because I've told 5 bishops/stake presidents, and I've only received kind, love-based counsel from them. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm blessed.

Either way, thank God for Mormon bishops!

I love my Mormon bishop.

2006-03-17T00:53:00.000-08:00

The Doctor Made Me Lose It

2006-03-16T00:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I went on my second date with the doctor (did I mention he’s a doctor?) last night. We ended up making out. It was very nice. Nothing else happened. Then tonight, we made out again, and I lost something in my pants – it wasn’t my keys or chapstick. Needless to say, he didn’t lose anything. Only the amateur was unable to keep things in check. Grrr.

I’m still trying to process my feelings. This happened only 30 minutes ago or so. I think tomorrow I’ll have a better grasp on how I feel. To be honest, I feel a little guilty, but not a ton – perhaps because I’m rationalizing my guilt away right now. I do know that I need to slow things down ... a lot.

Though we remained fully clothed throughout our make-out session, our hands were roaming (fortunately only over levis – not under). I guess I am regretting doing that. I just feel like a third date is too quick. I feel like I gave in. If I feel this way after tonight, I don’t even want to imagine what I’m going to feel like after we actually do something. I may have to stop things altogether because I don’t know if “slowing” is even possible.

Anyhow, I’ll post something tomorrow describing how I feel 24 hours after the fact.

I think this smile on my face is permanent

2006-03-13T00:58:00.000-08:00

I just got the following email from the guy I went out with on Saturday night. Did I mention I had a date? It went very well. We just went to dinner and then site seeing a bit. I had such a great time!

Anyhow, the following email explains why I have a permagrin across my face!

“Thanks a lot for a great evening. I had an awesome time getting to know you a little better and sharing stories with you. You are really fun to be around and you made the night go incredibly smoothly. And you are damn HOT!!”

That’s right … I’m “damn HOT.” ;) (He just hasn’t seen me with my shirt off. His opinion may very well change after he sees my sad looking body. Ha!)

“I hope you had a good time also. And please know that I was just as apprehensive about going into your place with the new roommates as you. While there is certainly nothing to be embarrassed about, it is a bit awkward for a first meeting.”

Yesterday was my first day in my new apartment, and so I didn’t have the balls to invite him in after the date. I explained that I was sorry, but I just wasn’t sure my first night in the apartment would be the best night for bringing a date home to hang out.

“I am really looking forward to seeing you again on Tuesday (I just wish it was today). I hope you are having a good day. Hopefully I will hear from you later.”

I’m looking forward to future dates with him. He’ll definitely be hearing from me.

To Anonymous ...

2006-03-11T00:28:00.000-08:00

On my last post, a reader asked: “How much do your readers really care about you?”

My answer: I don’t know. I’d like to think they are sincere, and I’d like to think they want what’s best for me. And I believe they do want me to be happy and fulfilled – even if they may disagree with how I achieve those objectives.

Nonetheless, dear anonymous, I don’t know any of them personally. I know that my family loves me more than anyone on this earth ever will. And I’m so lucky to have the best family ever. I love and rely on my family and close friends for so many things, so you need not worry about me giving them up for my wonderful (and oftentimes anonymous) blog readers.

I personally don’t feel that family and blog readers are mutually exclusive things. I believe I can have them both and enjoy what each has to offer. I admit that I LOVE – absolutely LOVE – hearing from the few people who do comment on my blog. It’s really fun to read others’ perspectives regarding my situation. In fact, I hear perspectives from my blog that I wouldn’t get from family and friends. I think all view points are worth considering.

You said: “You make little mention to the other people in your life, their feelings, their thoughts, how you feel about them, etc.”

You’re right. I don’t mention them often. One concern is anonymity – for both me and them. The other thing is this blog is related to my homosexuality. I only talk about my loved ones when relevant. The fact is, I don’t really talk to my siblings about my sexuality – even the ones I’ve told. My two brothers haven’t really mentioned the topic since I came out to them. My father and I don’t discuss it – it’s just best that way. Even my best friend and I don’t really talk about it anymore. And the rest of the family and friends don’t know.

So, really, that’s why I don’t pull them into this blog more often. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them dearly, because I do. Honestly, if you are interested in hearing more about the people in my life, let me know. I’d be happy to bring them in every once in a while.

Nonetheless, I appreciate you, anonymous, for your comments. It’s good to be reminded that I shouldn’t rely on my blog too much. I don’t think I do – but I could be wrong.

More on sex (that should pique your interest)

2006-03-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

Woah! First off, have you all been following other gay Mormon blogs lately? Some of them have taken a philosophical turn in recent weeks. Wow! I just finished reading a bunch of old posts on a few sites, and I have come to accept that my blog will never reach their level of philosophical sophistication. Wow!

I’ve thought a lot about all your comments on my last post. Thank you for commenting, by the way. Always a pleasure to hear from a few of you. Your thoughts really helped me define what I will do regarding sex with a guy. First, I agree that finding a guy who wants to wait for sex will be extremely tricky. I’m a minority within a minority – but aren’t we all in some way or another?

In any case, I don’t want to jump right into bed with a guy. I need to have a relatively stable and established relationship before sex can happen – i.e., he’s not screwing or dating other guys, he and I have been on more than two or three dates, and he sees potential for a long-term relationship. However, I have to honestly admit that I am pretty vulnerable right now. I can see myself “giving it up” just because I’m afraid “Mr. Amazing” is going to move on if I don’t. It bothers me that I even have thoughts like that.

Anyhow, I think I need to be careful because so many wrong motives are driving me toward a sexual relationship. For example, the fear that I am just getting older and uglier as time passes and that I need to capitalize on my youthful beauty. Ha! (I laugh because it’s such a stupid motive, but I actually have that thought run through my head occasionally.) Also, I fear that guys will not want to date someone as “inexperienced” as I, so I should practice up. Ha! (Promiscuous sex is always a good solution to one’s problems.)

Trust me: I know these fears are ridiculous and irrational. But that illustrates my point: I’m vulnerable right now and somewhat irrational. I need to take things slowly; otherwise, I’m going to come here and bitch and moan because I made some huge mistake! You don’t want me doing that now do you?

By the way, the reason I don’t want to jump into a sexual relationship is based partly in religion and partly in common fricking sense. As we all know, sex is a complicated thing. The Former Gay Spokesman of the World (a.k.a. the “Wise and Affirming” Hawaii Dave) said that in his comment on my last post. I personally believe that sex is one of the ultimate expressions of love. If, however, you do not love the person you’re screwing, then I believe it is meaningless, harmful (to one or both parties), and not a good idea. That’s why I do not want to have sex without an established, somewhat healthy relationship.

Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t know. I admit that my philosophy on sex is rooted in religion, but I feel it’s a pretty general approach to the issue. I think mainstream America would agree with me – and because you’re gay and not part of mainstream America, you can’t disprove that! ;)

I have a very difficult time believing that 50 percent to 60 percent of Mormons have pre-marital sex. Are these data collected on just active LDS? I feel like the number must be skewed. Regardless, I am feeling pretty damn good about myself for remaining a virgin till age 24! Look at that will power! (Ha! For those who don’t know, I don’t have will power.)

Regarding being out of touch with my feelings, I disagree. Yes, I may have had an erection when I was kissing TDH, but physiological responses don’t always mesh with psychological desires. The fact: I had no desire to go further with TDH. Call it “repression,” but I’m a pretty horny dude, generally speaking, and I think I was just having a non-horny night. I’m sure I won’t always be so lucky.

Anywho, thanks for the food for thought. By the way, I’ve got another gay date planned for Saturday. Should be fun. I think I'll just go all the way with him. I need to get some experience, after all.

Of course my landlord would know I'm gay.

2006-03-06T01:09:00.000-08:00

Housing update: I found a place to live! Yippee! Aaaannd ... they even know I’m gay. I went to this place for the first time last Sunday. I liked what I saw, but only the girl selling her lease was home. I asked if I could return when the two guy roommates were home. She said sure. I returned the next day met the housemates. They seemed very nice/chill, so the next day I emailed her and told her I wanted to buy her lease. She arranged a time for me to come by and pay a deposit and sign the documents.

The next day I went back to finalize the details, and we got to talking. Boy did we talk. We spent nearly three hours discussing everything from tennis to marriage and children. At the point when marriage came up, I mentioned that I didn’t think I’d ever have a wife and kids. She asked why not, and I told her, “I’m gay.”

Her response: “Yeah, I thought so.”

DAMN IT!!! Why is everyone able to tell? I swear I’m not that flaming. Then again, maybe I just don’t recognize all my homo traits. Oh well. In any case, she said she had already told the two guys living there that I am probably gay. They were skeptical (which made me happy to hear), but in the end they said they wouldn’t mind either way. I’m very happy to hear that.

The girl told me she has a lot of gay friends and she could "just tell." She said I’m an excellent communicator (which, again, made me happy – I’m such a sucker for flattery), and she said that I was too concerned about having good roommates to be straight. She’s probably right. It was a big deal for me – so big that I wouldn’t make a decision on the apartment until I had met the guys. Yeah, I guess that’s rather queer of me.

Second random, funny story ...

I went to church today, and I noticed this very attractive guy in the congregation. Of course, I assumed he was straight. But then after church, I was sitting on a pew by myself, and this same good-looking guy gets up from his seat in the back of the room and comes and asks if he can sit next to me. “Wow!” I’m thinking. “I am pretty hot stuff!”

We get to chatting, and he is really friendly and successful, etc. I’m really feeling good about myself – mainly that I got the hottest guy in the congregation to come talk to me. Then at the end of our conversation, the real motive comes out.

He says, “Well, it was great meeting you. I’m on the friendship committee, and we like to make all new move-ins feel at home, so let us know if we can help you out with anything.”

That’s right – this guy was only talking to me because it’s his JOB to talk to me! Ha!! That was a humbling experience. Just when you think you’re pretty hot, you meet someone from the “friendship committee.”

Switching gears one more time ...

On my last post, someone said, “Guys won't date you for very long unless you have sex. That's the way it is. It's a fantasy to believe you can be a virgin and have a relationship.”

Is that true? I recognize that I won’t be able to go years in a relationship without sex (and I don’t think I’d want that anyway), but I know I don’t want to jump in sex with only a small hope of developing a meaningful relationship with a guy. I just don’t know many good relationships that are based on sex, and I personally am looking for more than sex. If the choice is A) have sex after two or three dates with a guy or B) live a celibate lifestyle, then I choose celibacy.

In my perfect world, I’d be able to go three, four, six, even ten months in a relationship with a guy without sex. If I were straight, I’d go at least a year or two before getting married and having sex, so I don’t see why I should compromise my values just because I’m gay. (Side note: for the non-Mormons out there, Mormons don’t believe in pre-marital sex.) If it’s impossible for me to have a loving, healthy relationship before having sex, then I don’t think I’ll be having sex or relationships any time soon.

The Constant Reminder

2006-03-01T04:11:00.000-08:00

I went to church on Sunday after a two-week hiatus. I had such a good time. I immediately noticed the good, warm feelings I feel when I’m there. Some of you are thinking, “That’s the spirit of God, GM. Listen to it.” Others are thinking, “You’re just returning to a familiar place where you feel comfortable. Don’t get too excited about it.”

Regardless the explanation for the good vibes, I know I like them. It just reminded me that I like the church and that I don’t want to abandon it. To many Mormons’ disgust, I am still open to gay relationships. I’ll probably still go on dates with guys. Heck, I may even meet some special guy and decide to try out a longer-term relationship. Like I’ve said before, please do not judge the church based on me.

I just want the best of both worlds, dang it! We’ll see if I can have both worlds. Maybe I am just trying to serve two masters – and we all know how that works out. Damn it!

"Can I check out your place? I'm gay by the way."

2006-02-25T02:38:00.000-08:00

The new life is good so far. I like the job. I like my temporary housing situation. I like my co-workers. I'm happy. Just thought I'd give you that quick update.

I must admit that I still hate looking for places to live. Somebody shoot me! I've actually run into a little problem: I don't know when to disclose my sexuality to potential roommates. Should I disclose it before looking at the place? While I'm at the place? After I move into a place?

I mean, I don't want them to think I'm trying to hide it from them, but at the same time I don't want them to discriminate against me or prejudge me for it. So far, I haven't told any of the places I've visited that I'm gay. I figure I can bring it up once I've moved in and gotten to know them a bit.

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't even have a place to live yet!

Nothing else is new. No new dates or relationships. Still feeling fairly asexual.

By the way, thanks for all the well wishes regarding my new job. Thanks!

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY!

2006-02-20T04:54:00.000-08:00

I'm moving out today. I am such a transient. Ugh. I will be living with some friends for a few weeks while I look for housing close to my new job. I am excited and nervous about this. I will try to keep everyone updated on my situation; however, I don't know if I'll have regular Internet access at my friends' place. And then once I find my own place, I will still be computer-less. I need to buy one, or have my parents ship me my dinosaur from Utah.

Anywho ... HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY!!!

This Gay Mormon Will Be WORKING IT!

2006-02-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

Good news!!! I am gainfully employed! I had an interview last week, and then I got an offer this week! I can't tell you how excited I am about my new position. I think it will lead me in the direction I want it to lead me. We'll see. And I'll certainly keep you posted. I'll be doing account management stuff (or so it seems) for a technology company. I'm excited. I know I’m being vague, but I don't want to get dooced. I'm sure you understand.

Of course, being employed has its drawbacks. As we speak, I am being removed from my parents' payroll! They had hardly said congratulations before telling me that they will be removing me from their health and car insurance policies and that they are going to transfer my car loan into my name and that they will forward me my student loans, etc., etc.. Ugh.

This "real world" thing can be a little depressing. I sat down and figured out my budget, and it doesn't look like people were meant to survive on entry-level salaries. Actually, I am very grateful for the salary I do have. I feel very, very lucky because I have friends who are making much less. I honestly have no room to complain. Nonetheless, I can see that my disposable income isn't going to be very disposable. I'll be needing all of it to survive.

Horray for the real world!

Who are you?

2006-02-16T00:26:00.000-08:00

I'm just curious about the religious makeup of those who visit this site. Please let me know your religion (past, present, future). If you have ever been Mormon, please mark Mormon. Love your guts!!

P.S. I realize this survey will not be accurate for various reasons. Thank you Stats 221.

The Tabling of the Testimony

2006-02-13T01:16:00.000-08:00

I just read a post about me and some other gay Mormons on the blog of a married gay Mormon. Actually, the guy doesn't identify as "gay." He prefers "SSA." Anyhow, he essentially said that I just don't get it. He concluded his post by saying:

"Maybe I just value my membership in the church more than they do. I certainly value it more than the short lived pleasure I would get from indulging my desires. Maybe it really is as simple as 'they just don't get it.'"

A couple things regarding his post ...

First, I admit that my actions indicate a departure from the church and its teachings on homosexuality. If I am sinning, may God have mercy on my soul. I'm simply trying to figure things out. I'm trying to be cautious, and I'm learning a lot. Perhaps I will eventually learn that I made a huge mistake by beginning to date guys. That conclusion is a very real possibility. I just read a great post from a guy who is questioning his notion of true love. I really enjoyed his analysis of it all. I think that I, too, might be seeking something that doesn't exist. I don't know.

Nonetheless, I do know that my quest is not for the "short-lived pleasure I would get from indulging my desires." The implication in that statement is overtly sexual. So far, I've learned that the last thing I want is some one-night stand or casual sexual encounter. I realize I am vulnerable at this point, and I'm trying to be extremely cautious. I'll keep you posted on my successes and failures.

Second, I must say that I envy "LDS with SSA." His faith is exceptional. I lack that sort of faith. For better or for worse, this struggle of mine has made me question my faith. As "LDS with SSA" points out, the church is very much an all-or-nothing belief system. I can't select the parts I like and disregard the ones I don't like. That's why I've basically tabled my testimony for the time being. I don't want to make that difficult decision yet.

I've been told by several people in the last month that I must seek God's will for me (which means, by interpretation, that I must find out if the church is true). I guess I am afraid of finding out. For example, let's say that God tells me the church is absolutely true and is his one and only true church. If that were to happen, I don't know if I'd have the will power to live its teachings honestly. On the other hand, if I don't get a response and I feel the church isn't true, then life will immediately become more confusing for me. What would that mean for my spirituality, my belief system, my future, my life. Honestly, my religious convictions have gotten me through so much in life. They have enriched my life, I dare say. Heck, the doctrines have given my life meaning and purpose. I like them. I love them. I would hate to abandon them.

That's why I have put my testimony aside for right now. I am not in the mood to confront the answer. But I can't just sit in limbo for the rest of my life. I need to revisit my belief in the church very soon. Sigh. I think I'm going to wait a little longer. I need to figure out careers and other things first.

I'm such a fricking procrastinator.

Give me some straighties

2006-02-11T02:13:00.000-08:00

I'm quickly figuring out the type of gay people I like to hang around -- basically those who don't act gay. I went out with some "more flamboyant" types tonight. They were very friendly and nice. Good guys. Really good guys. Nonetheless, they just aren't my crowd. I'm not saying I need some uberstuds flocking around me. I simply want friends who are less ... animated? ... expressive? ... loud?

Overall I had a nice night. They laughed at my jokes, which was nice. I like people who think I'm funny. Yes, I'm self-absorbed.

I've actually been lucky because only one group so far has been kind of flamboyant. Still, I'm missing my straight friends right now. I've been doing so much with the gay crowd lately. I think I'm going to have to find a balance between gay and straight friends. Here I come church activities!

Action, Reaction

2006-02-08T02:13:00.000-08:00

I've always known that my gay decisions would hurt some of my relationships. Now, I'm experiencing the hurt firsthand. Ugh. The worst part: it's hurting my relationship with my best friend. I love her to death. And I know she loves me just as much. However, we're still learning how to approach the gay issues of my life.

I must admit before going on that I don't know how I expect her to react to all of this. It's confusing and frustrating for her as well, and it's obviously a conflict for her on some level.

Last night she and I talked on the phone. It was the first time we had talked since I kissed TDH. I told her about the kiss and explained the whole night to her. She listened attentively, even laughing and joking with me throughout the conversation. She also gave some great advice regarding my situation with TDH. Nonetheless, I could hear a tone of sadness or discomfort in her voice while we were talking.

At the end of our conversation, I asked if what we had discussed made her feel uncomfortable. She said she is completely comfortable discussing these issues, but she wants me to know that she doesn't agree with what I'm doing. It hurt to hear that. I'm glad she did share her feelings with me because I always appreciate honesty. But it still hurt. I don't know how I expected her to react to my homosexual stories. I guess I can't expect her to abandon her values and beliefs for me. She is too good to do that. I admire her commitment to her religious core.

I guess I am just sad because we've always been able to talk about everything. She reassured me that I can still tell her about my experiences, but if it's going to be a painful experience for both of us, I don't want to share. Why is it so important to her that I know she disagrees with my decisions? I mean, this isn't the first time she's told me she disapproves. I know that she doesn't agree, and I even respect her beliefs. But why is it so important that I know she disagrees? Why does she have to mention that every time we talk about my gay experiences?

Well, I know why. She loves me. She wants me to follow the church's teachings. It naturally hurts to see someone deviate from the church's doctrines. It hurts me, too. Anyhow, I guess I'm just going to have to limit my homosexual stories with her. Sigh.

Moving on ...

Thaaaaaaank yoooooooou, Bill! I agree full heartedly with his comment on my last post. He said my blog would naturally be self-centered because it's an autobiographical blog! Thank you for pointing that out. That's exactly what I thought when I first read the comment from reader X who said my blog has become progressively more "self-absorbed."

Here's my assessment of the situation. I actually went back and reviewed my blog entries over the past year (you can tell the comment caused some discomfort). I wanted to see if reader X was right. After analyzing my writing, I have to say that I personally didn't see the progressive slide toward "self-absorbedness." I did notice, however, several other changes over the past year. I acknowledge that my assessment is naturally biased, but I still want to share my findings.

First, when I started my blog, I talked a lot about my struggles with homosexuality as a member of the church. It was the first time getting these struggles out in writing, and it was basically my only outlet. As of late, I don't focus on the inherent problems of being gay and Mormon. I feel like I've covered those difficulties fairly well. I can't just keep rehashing them. Well, I can. But I don't like to. Plus, I rehash them enough with the people I've started telling about my sexuality.

Second, my writing was more dramatic at the beginning. I was very serious. The blog focused a lot on my porn and masturbation issues, and I was obviously sad in a lot of my writing. Over time, my posts have become less dramatic, and more light-hearted and sarcastic. It has definitely focused less on deep issues and more on the day-to-day issues I deal with.

Third, over the past year, you'll also notice my writing has departed from the church's rhetoric. It's obvious in my writing that I have distanced myself from the church and from my testimony to a certain degree. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have kissed a guy last week. I'm not saying this is good. It's just a fact of life for me right now.

Those are the major changes that I noticed. But regardless of the changes in my blog, one thing is clear: it's always been ALL ABOUT ME! It has never focused on anyone else. It has never focused on my volunteer activities, my career pursuits, my love for my family and friends, or anything that doesn't relate to being gay and Mormon. (In fact, you might be surprised to know that I have actually been more involved in volunteerism in the last five months than I have ever in my life.)

At the beginning, my blog was about my porn, masturbation and church issues. Nowadays it's about my dating life with guys. Yes, it has evolved. And no, its evolution does not please everyone.

However, let's get to the real issue at hand. I believe that those readers who have been critical of my blog's evolution are simply unhappy with my decisions. And that's perfectly fine. But all three people who have criticized my blog's changes are Mormon. Naturally they are going to be disappointed that I'm not "holding to the iron rod."

I must admit that I feel bad from time to time that my blog has become "less inspiring" for the struggling gay Mormons of the world. I wish I were perfect and lived my religion perfectly. I wish I could be that perfect example for other gay Mormons. Unfortunately, I am human. I am living my life the best I can. Don't give up on me yet! I still haven't made any solid decisions on how I'm going to live my life. I still love my religion, even though I don't live its teachings perfectly. For all I know, I may end up marrying some woman. That seems to be the least likely scenario at this point, but it's still a possibility.

In summary: my blog will continue to change and evolve, and not everyone will be happy with its direction. But that's okay. I accept that.

In any case, I welcome critical comments like the one I received from reader X. It gave me some time for introspection. Believe it or not, I am actually looking for some volunteer opportunities in my area. I really do enjoy doing service, so I'm now more motivated to get involved in the community again. So, basically, your criticisms just make me a better person. ;) lol. By the time I finish blogging, I will be perfect. Keep the criticisms coming ...

If I'm not hot and horny, I'm not feeling normal.

2006-02-06T00:54:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about the lack of sexual interest I experienced while kissing TDH. Remember a long time ago when I said I thought my homosexuality was a product of my childhood experiences? For those who don't remember, I once opined that certain childhood experiences may have made me feel alienated by the male gender. Perhaps those small traumas left voids in my life, voids that I now seek to fill using male affection.

So now the following question: could it be that those voids were filled the other night? Albeit temporarily? Perhaps all I want is the closeness, the cuddling, the kissing. As long as I am feeling love and affection from men, perhaps I don't need the sex. Perhaps I really was just "sexualizing" my emotional needs. (That seems to be a catch phrase that many gay Mormons use these days.)

On the other hand, isn't that what heteros go through too? I mean, don't heterosexuals look for love and affection as well, but occasionally they sexualize those needs?

I don't know. I just find it extremely interesting that I wasn't as horny as I usually am. I've been feeling this way for some time now (probably about a month). I do go through these phases though. My sex drive just goes away for a few weeks. Well, I guess it hasn't completely disappeared because I do reflect fondly upon my first kiss with TDH several times every day. I loved it. Anyhow, I'm just trying to figure out the sexual side of things.

Who knows ... next week I might be humping the legs of all things male. In other words, I tend to go back and forth on these issues a lot.

Just a quick FYI: I haven't heard from TDH since last Thursday. I would call/message him, but I don't want to be too aggressive. I really don't know gay dating protocol. Who pursues whom? Do both pursue each other? So far, I've assumed the position of pursuee, but only because I am so new to this. I wouldn't even know how to be the pursuer.

By the way, thanks everyone for being so happy for me. I honestly haven't felt this good for a long while. I feel like the luckiest person alive right now. I really do feel extremely blessed (dare I use religious terminology when I'm "drinking damnation to my soul"?). I am really happy with how things have gone so far. I loved reading all of your comments regarding my first kiss. They were great!

Last comment for the night ... Gay Mormon's level of self-absorption (refer to the comment by "Four" on the previous post).

Though I'd like to think I'm not terribly self-absorbed, I probably am. It's hard to give yourself an honest assessment. I definitely think volunteer work and service give life meaning/purpose/fulfillment. I appreciate the reader's honest opinion of me, and I will certainly try to be less self-centered and to focus more on helping others. That should really be a lifetime pursuit for me, considering my natural desire is to focus all my attention on me.

Perhaps "Four" thinks I'm self-absorbed because I've been talking about working out lately. Just so you know, this lackluster body of mine is nothing to brag about. I've only begun working out in the last month, and I only mention that on my blog because it's the only joy I get from it – bragging rights. I think lifting weights is boring, but I – like most people in this world – want a nice body. Trust me though: I'm far from having that killer body. Unless you consider white flab "killer." I know I have muscles somewhere, but I'm just trying to find them. So you see, for me working out is really about self-discovery, not self-absorption or vanity. Ha!

Okay, maybe the reader has a point with his/her comment about my self-centeredness.

Hit Me With The Consequences

2006-02-02T01:22:00.000-08:00

As reported, tonight was my date with TDH. Oh wow. Where do I begin?

Let's start with the disappointing stuff – i.e., my fricking face! Apparently I'm still in junior high because for the past two days I've been battling these two HUGE zits on my nose. I look like a deformed Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer with two red, glowing globes protruding from my snout. These monster zits ticked me right off because they are MUCH bigger than my normal zits. I mean, I get pimples every once in a while, but they are never this big. I swear. At first I was a little self-conscious about it, but then I said to myself: "Screw it! If he can't get past a temporary zit – or two – then he's not worth it." It worked. I didn't think about it till I got home.

So we had dinner first. I'm happy to report that I felt nearly normal and comfortable with him. Very little nervousness or awkwardness. I also felt like I was talking more freely. I just had a good time. I can't even begin to tell you how funny this guy is. He's absolutely hilarious. I know ... he's hot, he's funny, and he's successful. You're probably thinking: "Gay Mormon is just twitterpated with some average guy. This happens to all first timers." I assure you – this guy is not average. And I'm not just saying that because he's hot. Like I've said before, personality does so much for me. A good-looking guy can become ugly in a second if I don't like his personality.

Anyhow, after dinner we went back to his place. Yeah, you can probably see where this is going. Don't stop reading. It's all good. We put on a movie, and we began watching it with both of us lying on the floor next to each other ... but not touching. After about 15 minutes, he got up for a drink. When he lay back down, his shoulder was touching me. I could have melted. We stayed like that for another 15 minutes or so. Then he went to the bathroom. When he came back, he lay down even closer to me. He put his hand out on the floor. I put my hand over his. We started holding hands. Then we moved on to full-blown cuddling. Again, I'm melting.

We cuddled for about 10 more minutes. Then he leaned over ... and ... he started kissing me. We made out for about 15 minutes. Then we stopped for about 10 minutes. Then we made out for another 15 or 20 minutes. And that was it! You don't believe me, but believe it. I may no longer have virgin lips, but I am definitely still a virgin! :) I didn't even lose anything in the process, if you know what I mean. I was actually surprised with my non-horniness. I just didn't feel the urge to go further than kissing and making out – even though I was excited at the time, if you know what I mean. In fact, I was laughing inside because I thought to myself: "Maybe I'm not gay. I mean, I'm not even close to wanting anything more than kissing." Of course, I enjoyed the make-out session a little too much to be considered straight.

The best part: he didn’t try to pressure me into anything I wasn't comfortable with. He placed his hand lightly over my crotch at one point, and I just gently moved his hand up to my stomach. He got the hint. It was funny because I was so nervous about the whole experience that I was literally shaking when we began kissing. It was a good nervousness, though. I had so much fun!

The weirdest part: I don't feel guilty at all. Not before, not during, not after. I was all grins coming home. I think I would feel differently if I had gone further than kissing. Fortunately, we didn't. I don't know what these guiltless feelings mean, but I accept them. Perhaps the guilt will hit later. Who knows...

The funniest part: he didn't know I was VL. I thanked him afterward for being such a great first kiss, and he about crapped his pants. I'm glad he didn't suspect anything – it makes me think I wasn't too horrible of a kisser. He said he was glad I hadn't told him beforehand because he would have been a lot more nervous. I had just assumed he knew. He knows I'm new to the gay dating world. That's funny.

I realize that TDH may never call me again. I wouldn't blame him. You should see the size of the zits on my nose. Plus, when I got home I had gel flakes all over my hair. It looked as if I had been rolling around in a tub of dandruff. Horrifying. In any case, I'm prepared for the disappointment that may be coming my way. I mean, I still think I am into him more than he's into me. Nonetheless, I'm happy. I feel so good right now. I'm still grinning. I'll just have to deal with the pain of rejection when that comes. For now, I'm just going to bask in the great feelings associated with kissing the guy of my dreams.

Thank you TDH!

Now, Internet friends, it's your turn to lay down the consequences for me saying I wouldn't kiss him. Can't wait to hear what you'd consider a fair punishment for my misdeeds.

All written items are binding ... I hope.

2006-02-01T02:09:00.000-08:00

I can think of a lot of things the number 5,000 might describe ... the number of Q-Tips in a carton at Costco ... the amount of cattle on a ranch ... the model number of an electronics device ... the number of people converted to Mormonism every hour. But 5,000 should NEVER describe the number of partners a person has had in his lifetime! Holy crap!

When I first read that, I thought, "Whatever makes him happy." Still something about that really didn't sit well. I couldn't really put my finger on it at first, but then it hit me: that dude was just using all those men. That's why it's wrong. He didn't/doesn't care about them, because we all know that "caring" extends beyond hoping the next piece of meat is disease free. Sure, that guy probably had consensual sex with all 5,000; however, he certainly hurt many of those men. And he just used them to get off. That's wrong (in my humble opinion).

Soap box ends here. < /soapbox >

Well, the date is set for tomorrow. I'm excited, but I wanted to report that I have set boundaries for myself. I've decided that I will not do anything with this guy tomorrow. He's not really done anything to prove that he cares about me. In fact, he's kind of done the opposite. Not worth explaining right now, but there is some indication that he is playing me. It's hard to say at this point. In any case, as hot as he is (and trust me, he is FRICKING hot), I don’t think I'd be satisfied or happy with myself if I were to just give up my virgin lips to some guy who doesn't care about me. I don't want to be one of this guy's 5,000. Oh lordy, that's definitely the last thing I want to be.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd report my commitment here so that I can be held accountable. If I end up kissing this guy or – heaven forbid – going further, then I will face consequences. Consequences that I will let you, my loving readers (except for that hateful anonymous dude who commented at the end of this list of comments), decide upon.

That should motivate me to keep my word.

Lunch Date Digested

2006-01-29T21:30:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday "Tall, Dark and Handsome" (TDH) and I discussed meeting up for dinner Friday night. Then late Friday afternoon, he called and backed out because his appointments in RandomCity, Calif., went longer than expected. (He was in his car on his way home from the city when he called.)

I was a little bummed because that meant I'd be spending my night on the computer (which did happen). Oh, my sad, sad life. (But remind me to tell you a funny/sad story about my Friday Internet night.)

Anyhow, I actually thought TDH was just making excuses. Like maybe something better had come up, but he just wanted to let me down easy. Anyhow, I really wouldn't have been bothered had that been the case. I understand that friends come first, and I am just an "Internet guy." (I hate that that's a reality for me right now, but it is. Yes, I meet guys online. And yes, you can make fun of me for it because I think it's weird as well. I feel like I should be sporting a creepy moustache and a wife beater – that's what "Internet guys" are like, you know. Ha!)

Because Friday night didn't work for TDH, we rescheduled for lunch on Sunday (today) at 1:30 p.m. (which I mentioned in my previous post). He said he would call me Sunday morning to confirm and to give me directions.

By 12:40 p.m. today, he still hadn't called. I was thinking, "Oh this guy is a big jerk. He says he'll call and confirm, and then he doesn't. Typical gay guy." (Yes, it's true – I even stereotyped gay guys as being flakey.) Finally, I couldn't wait any longer, so I called his cell phone. He didn't pick up. Again, I'm thinking, "Typical guy. Plans something, and then backs out. Now I understand why women hate men so much."

Five minutes after calling him, just as I was filling out my membership card to join the ex-wives club, TDH really pulled through. He called. Come to find out, somehow he had copied down my number incorrectly (or I had given it to him incorrectly). He had actually tried calling several times, but he said the number he was calling was always busy. In fact, when I called him, he didn't recognize the number – and he had saved my name and number into his phone – and that's why he screened me.

It gets better. He had even tried emailing me to confirm! I hadn't thought to check my email. Ha! (Well, actually, I was out of town this weekend, and my friend's house didn't have Internet.)

Anyhow, I quickly repented for all my negative thoughts toward him. I then met him for lunch. The date was fantastic! I had such a great time with him. TDH is even more handsome in real life. He is also funny, witty, intelligent and successful. And he's just a regular guy. No one would think he's gay just by meeting him. It was so refreshing to be with him.

This doesn't mean that I felt like myself. I didn't. But I did feel more like myself. I felt more comfortable this time than I have the previous times I've gone out with gay guys. That's progress, right? Baby steps.

Because of my awkwardness, I didn't think he was really enjoying his time with me that much. So I was extremely surprised (and probably a little too excited) when TDH asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime this week. I think I may have come across as a little desperate when I suggested we do something this Wednesday. Yeah, there's no playing hard to get in Gay Mormon's world. I'm easy as pie.

Oh well. Desperate or not, I'm going out with TDH Wednesday evening. We're doing dinner. (I know ... it's generic.) I'm looking forward to it. I almost surprised myself when I wrote that. It's true though – I am looking forward to it. Weird.

Of course, this causes all sorts of anxiety for me. I mean, I'm actually interested in a gay guy! That's rare! Moreover, this guy may be interested in me. That's a BIG maybe, of course. Nonetheless, the possibility is there. This makes me feel like I need to impress. I get too caught up in trying to impress, and then I forget to just act normal. I think this is what straight guys feel like when they go out with amazing girls. Like I've said before, dating girls was so much easier because there was never any pressure. I was just in it for fun.

I realize that this guy is just a friend at this point. There is no point in getting all excited or worked up about my future with him. I just need to calm down and take things one step at a time.

That said, I've started to worry a lot about being physical with this guy. He's so fricking HOT! I can see myself going too far, too fast if he were to kiss me. Speaking of which, could you all please respond to my poll at the top of this page. I got to talking to a friend, and he pointed out that many gay guys are very quick to get physical. This makes me a little nervous. He believes that groping on the same night of the first kiss is normal to most gay guys. What do you guys think? Do you think it's normal to do some groping on the same night as the first kiss? I have always envisioned myself just starting out with simple kissing. I don't want to get into the groping and fooling around right away. That will have to take time.

Again, I'm being ridiculous because I doubt this guy even wants to touch me. :) I'm so quick to jump to conclusions.

I must admit, though: I feel like maybe I should jump on this opportunity (literally). I really would love for my first gay kiss to be with a good-looking guy. This guy is one of the hottest guys ever! Heck, maybe I should just give it all to him ... my first kiss ... my first love ... my virginity. Just kidding. But really, I am worried that if I don't give this guy my all, it will be a long time before I have a similar opportunity with a HOT guy. :)

I'm ridiculous. I know.

Tall, Dark and Handsome

2006-01-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

Remember "tall, dark and handsome"? I have a lunch date with him on Sunday...

The Gayest Weekend Ever

2006-01-25T03:07:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was easily the gayest weekend of my life! Holy crap! I had a great time.

I spent the weekend visiting a good friend from college. She knows I'm gay, and so naturally she planned the amazing gay weekend.

Here's a quick rundown of our gay activities (I've omitted the non-homo things):

Thursday: Arrived at their house in the evening. Discussed being gay and Mormon with my friend and her husband until 3 a.m. (I'm friends with the husband, too, but for clarity, I will refer to him as my friend's husband.)

Friday: Worked out, went to the mall. Invited two gay guys over and watched Latter Days. Then went to Charlie's (a gay cowboy bar with country dancing).

Saturday: Went to my friend's niece's birthday party. Ate out with the same two gay guys afterward. Saw Brokeback Mountain.

Sunday: Went out with three gay guys to dinner. Went to BS (a gay bar) for karaoke.

All in all, the weekend was great. I had a lot of fun hanging out with the two gay guys and my married friends. The gay guys were both extremely nice and fun to be around. I can't say that I felt completely like myself around them, but I guess I can't expect to feel completely comfortable and normal at this point. I just hate how my funniness seems to vanish in the presence of homosexuals. Weird.

(For the curious at heart, no I didn't hook up with any gay guys.)

Charlie's was likely the best part of the weekend! I left with the biggest ego ever! I was so flattered by all the looks from guys. I realize that they weren't looking at me just because I'm hot (even though I'd like to think that), but more likely because I am a man in a gay bar. They would probably check out any mammal with testicles. I know I check out a lot of guys I'm not interested in. :)

I was flattered though when the hottest guy in the room (in my opinion) and I played a little staring game. Very fun. Unfortunately, I chickened out and stopped looking in his direction. It was just too real for me. I mean, that guy could have come over and spoken with me at any point. I couldn't have let that happen. Ha!

Movie reviews: Latter Days is cheesy. Brokeback Mountain was extremely well done and moving. I personally didn't get into Latter Days at all. The acting, the writing, everything was just too lame. I understand that it probably means a lot to some gay Mormons, but all it meant to me was nap time. Brokeback Mountain, on the other hand, was great! I loved it. I thought it was easily one of the saddest movies of my life, but I loved how it portrayed the difficulties of being homosexual. I hope it wins the Oscar. By the way, I didn't think I was going to like it.

The most awkward part of the whole weekend was the birthday party for me. My friend's niece was celebrating her 3^rd year of life, and my friend had told her in-laws beforehand that I am gay (because they were wondering why some random male college friend was coming to visit her). That was the first time that I had been in a room of people (many of whom were Mormon) who knew about my sexuality – people whom I hadn't told myself. They were extremely nice, and I had no reason to feel uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable around straight people who know about my sexuality. I guess I should just start getting used to it. It'll probably happen more often as time passes.

In any case, the weekend was a blast. I had a great time visiting with good friends. I love them both to death, and I hope they know that! Love you both!

When I got home from my trip, my sister-in-law confronted me on some of the difficult thoughts she'd been having over the past few days. She said she's certain I will distance myself from the family if I decide to live as a gay person (have boyfriends, etc.). She's probably right because both my siblings have told me that they don't want any gay boyfriends of mine coming to family functions with me. I understand that, and I plan to respect their wishes. As such, I probably wouldn't spend as much time with family. I don't know.

My sister-in-law doesn't want me to marry a woman (because of the inherent problems associated with gay/straight relationships) or be with a man (because of the religious conflicts), so she believes a life of celibacy would be the best alternative for me. She said, "You can do so much good in this world without sex." Hmm. I just don't know if I have that sort of will power. It's good to know her perspective though. I think my other brother and his wife would like to see me marry a woman.

Lastly, I apologize to anyone who was offended by the "Perspective One" link on the right-hand side of the screen. I know that article's perspective is very painful for many people. Nonetheless, it certainly is a perspective, and I don't think it's healthy to ignore it. In fact, I think it raises many relevant questions – e.g., Why should sexuality trump religious beliefs? You're all welcome to express your concerns with Dr. Byrd's viewpoints, but I don't think any of us should fear ideas. We must simply confront them if we disagree with them. I don't agree with all of the stuff that was written, but I do agree with some of it. The link is relevant for all gay Mormons, in my opinion. It also shows how many Mormons approach the issue. If nothing else, it gives people an insight into the issues facing gay Mormons.

Okay, hit me with the comments. I can feel them coming. :)

Giving perspectives because I'm a giver

2006-01-19T01:55:00.000-08:00

I hung out with some extremely cool folks tonight. I met the one kid online, and he invited me to go out with his boyfriend and two girlfriends. They were really fun people. The girls were especially hilarious! They were cracking me up. I want to hang out with all those guys more. I love people! Oh yeah, we went to my first gay bar. Pretty lame bar, if you ask me. No one was there (seriously). Fortunately, it's the company that makes the outing good or bad. I had a great time.

I was a little nervous before getting there, but they made me feel right at home. I got over it quickly. It was definitely the most positive gay experience I've had. And it was rather wholesome! These people are very down to earth. The two gay guys have been in long, loving relationships with men (one of them was with a guy for seven years), and they aren't into the quick hook ups and stuff. Crazy that I am finding such Mormon-esque gay friends. I wouldn't have anticipated this.

By the way, I've posted a couple links on the side under "The Gay Mormon Debate." The first link is pro-change. It was published by psychologists close to the Evergreen crowd. The second article focuses on the difficulties of gay/straight marriages. In fact, our beloved Official Gay Person, Dave, posted the second link on another blog. I found it, fortunately, and encourage every Mormon to read it. Such great analysis!

I just wanted to provide some resources for those investigating the Gay Mormon debate.

At Least I'm Fashionable

2006-01-19T01:27:00.000-08:00

Sister-in-law to Gay Mormon: "Now I'll never be able to convince Tim (husband) to wear something colorful by saying, 'your youngest brother wears colorful things.'"

Only Cher and Britney are able to save the gay spokesmen of the world

2006-01-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

I was laughing out loud at Foxx's comment. The Wikipedia definition nailed it straight on the head. That's EXACTLY how I felt the other night! Ha! Even better: Dave admitted that even he occasionally experiences a certain level of discomfort when in public with his husband. Interesting. Maybe Dave isn’t the Official Gay Person I thought he was. Who knows ... he might not even own rainbow stickers or turtlenecks. I'm a little disappointed. ;)

Nonetheless, Dave, you can atone for your less-than-official-gay-person behaviors. You must simply agree to burn your Cher and Britney Spears collections. I know it's tough. I just wish there were another way.

Regarding the gym ... ha! Me? Work out more than two or three times a year?! Hahaha! That's a good one. If only lifting dead weight repetitively were fun to me. That would be the life. I've actually gone lifting three whole times this year. Each time it kicked my fricking ASS! It also depressed me because the amount of weight I was lifting should never kick anyone's ass. I think my nieces can lift more than I can. But who cares? At least now I can honestly tell people that I lift. That means I can stop going now. (It's all about the bragging rights.)

I'm on the phone right now with the guy from last week. He's having some issues with his ex-boyfriend. It seems that responding with "really?" and "uh huh" are keeping the conversation rolling, so I'm going to keep writing. This guy is very nice, but he sure has a lot of drama. It's a little much for me at this point. Did I say he was a nice guy? He really is.

Did I mention that I found my perfect match on myspace? This tall, dark and handsome guy has been messaging me, and he is honestly so perfect for me. I really want to meet him and hang out with him. Unfortunately, he lives a ways away and I don't know his level of interest yet. For now I'm just going to enjoy our conversations.

Oh yeah, did I also mention that my California brother now knows about my blog? Yes, Tim has discovered the lackluster bloggings of Gay Mormon. (To my brother: on this site you shall be known as Tim. Just an FYI.) I can't say that I'm happy about this, but that's life. I don't think he'll check it that often because he's super busy. Even if he does check it regularly, it won't be that big of a deal. He knows everything about me anyway. Okay, peace.

Can you tell me which way to the gym?

2006-01-16T02:50:00.000-08:00

It's late and I'm tired, but I wanted to give a quick run down on the date from Friday night. It was nice. We went to an old part of town and ate dinner, and then we walked around for a bit. Our conversation was friendly, and the night was nice. Over dinner, he asked what I wanted from myspace, and I told him that I was just looking for friends and that I am too new to the gay scene to jump in too quickly. He asked if I planned to have a relationship at some point, and I answered yes, but not any time soon.

Nonetheless, he still calls. Maybe he understands that I only want friendship, but then why does he keep asking to go places with just me and him. It's fine, but I'd rather go in a group. More the merrier, right? Unless I'm interested in the guy. ;)

So, I caught myself turning into a meat head. Apparently when I am with a more effeminate guy, I turn into an uber-masculine dude. This guy isn't super femmie, but he is less than masculine. I suppose I felt like I had to compensate for his slight gayness because I noticed I was trying to sit, act, and talk very manly like throughout the night. I was cracking myself up because I'd catch myself trying to be this super stud. Ha! I'm retarded.

I also noticed that I was VERY aware of EVERYONE! I couldn't help but think, "Everyone is watching us. They know we're gay. They know were on a date. They're judging us. They hate us. They hate homosexuals. I think they're going to jump us or make rude comments. Quick, make a cat call after a girl!" It really was an uncomfortable feeling. It's stupid because I've gone out to eat with straight friends, and I've NEVER felt that way! Isn't it weird how your perception of a situation can totally change depending on just a few little variables? I recognize, however, that my discomfort has everything to do with my newness to the gay dating world. Maybe I'll get used to it. I can't make any promises, but it makes sense that it would feel more natural over time.

A couple of HOT dudes from myspace have messaged me. I nearly ripped off my shirt and rubbed my naked chest all over the computer screen because I was so excited. Unfortunately, I can't message those guys back. They are too good-looking. If I were to go out with them, they'd be able to get anything they wanted from me. "You want my virginity, wallet and shoes? In what order?"

Nonetheless, I was very flattered by the mere fact that they would message me. Good thing I put pictures of other people on my profile. That has really paid off for me. Well, I'd better go work out (that's what uber-studs do). But first, I'm going to sleep.

Because I look better in real life

2006-01-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

Another date with the same guy. It was alright. I'm still not interested, but I'm afraid he is. Sigh.

I'm not used to spending this much time with my computer -- and I'm a recovering porn addict.

2006-01-12T01:04:00.000-08:00

You're probably surprised that I'm blogging so often. Don't be. I don't have friends or a social life, so the computer and I have really gotten to know each other well – if you know what I mean. (Isn't weird how ANY sentence can turn dirty if you attach "if you know what I mean" to the end of it?)

I have decided (and I had come to this conclusion before reading all the comments about it) that I shall use myspace for friend finding only. That's my main objective at this time, so why complicate my life even more. Plus, I'm holding out for my dream job, and I want God to be on my side during the interview process. God is shaking his head at me right now. I can feel it.

In any case, Jesse is right that jumping into a relationship right off the bat may be problematic. Speaking of boyfriends, NO, I don't plan to "try things out" by having promiscuous sex. Hello! I've always said that I wanted to try things out by just seeing what it's like to have positive homosexual relationships. I think sex is the last thing I need right now. Why bother with it? That's a rhetorical question. :)

My non-Mormon friend (whom I will call Pete because non-Mormon sounds so discriminatory) called me today. He was great! He said right up front that he's dating someone, and he's just looking for friends. I couldn't have been more relieved. You never know what people are expecting when they contact you online. Anyhow, he seemed like a nice guy, and we're going to see if we can hang out this weekend. We'll see if it happens.

Oh Dave. I love you. Your comments always put a smile on my face. You could easily be a spokesman for a gay pride organization. Perhaps you are! I really do appreciate your opinions on my blog. I always know where to turn if I'm looking for the official gay perspective. Ha! ;)

I don't think I mentioned this, but the other night I had a little blow up with the first brother I told (we'll call him Jeffrey). As I mentioned before, he called the brother I'm living with (we'll call him Tim) and told him I was gay before I had a chance to. This happened after he said he wouldn't tell anyone. Anyhow, I wanted him to know that I was hurt by what he did, but I wanted to do it in a light manner. So much for planning. Things got rough really quickly. Here's the rundown on our convo:

"Hey Jeffrey, I heard you outed me to Tim?" I said this laughing, because it is a little funny. Unfortunately, Jeffrey was serious about the whole situation.

"Gay Mormon, I had to. He needed to know that you have a porn problem."

"Jeffrey, why didn't you just let me tell him?" I asked. "I had planned on telling him anyway. Plus, he already had an idea that I have porn problems. I just felt a little hurt when I heard you went behind my back to tell him when I had asked you not to."

Jeffrey: "Well, I didn't know that he knew about your porn situation. I just wanted to give him a heads up."

Gay Mormon: "Well, please let me deal with my own problems. You haven't outed me to any other siblings, have you?"

"No! And is that what you're calling it? Being 'outed'?" he asks in a disgusted tone.

"I was trying to soften the situation. Would you rather I say it how it is: 'Jeffrey, why are you betraying me?'"

"Let's talk about betrayal," Jeffrey says. "Do you know how I felt when I found out you used my computer to look at porn over the holidays? I trusted you in my house, and you went and betrayed me by looking at porn at all hours of the night."

He was right here, so I said: "Jeffrey, you know I am sorry about that. I apologized. I'll apologize again. It was absolutely inappropriate, and I'm honestly very, very sorry about what I did. It definitely was a form of betrayal, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. However, I told you the biggest f-ing secret of my life, and you f-ing went and told Tim!!! I know I have big f-ing problems, but I simply ask that you let me deal with them!! They aren't your problems!"

At this point, Jeffrey backed down. He apologized sincerely for his mistake, and we both cooled down and ended the converation.

I've forgiven him, but I've also learned a valuable lesson: I can't talk to him about my sexuality. I love him, but he and I will approach my sexuality the same way my father and I do – we just won't talk about it.

By the way, that blow up was the first time I've ever used the F word in a conversation. I even said it two or three times! I apologize to all the parents whose children are reading this.

Dating girls was so much easier ...

2006-01-11T01:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out with a guy. I met another Mormon gay guy from myspace.com, and we agreed to have dinner. Yeah, I sometimes amaze myself too. Though certain moments during the evening were a little awkward for me, the night was quite pleasant. I am not physically attracted to him – nor am I attracted to his personality. Okay, I guess I'm not attracted to him period, but he's a very nice person and I could easily be his friend. Plus, he has other friends and he's willing to share. Yay!! I'm dying for social interaction with the unwed. Bless my brother's and sis-in-law's hearts, but I need to hang out with people closer to my age.

I must say, I really hate my personality when I hang out with people who know I'm gay. For some stupid reason, I cannot be myself. I come across as a big dork – which I'm not, I swear – and it drives me nuts. It's really a vicious cycle because I start thinking, "Okay, you're being unnatural. Stop being unnatural." But the more I think about it, the less natural I act. I wish I could just relax. That's why people drink alcohol! Someone pass me the booze.

Fortunately, the kid I went to dinner with was very talkative, so I didn't have to say much. I just nodded and pumped out the animated facial expressions all night long. It really was a stunning performance.

So, do I technically call this my first date with a guy? Oh wow. I’m cringing right now. Calling it a "date" really sounds weird. Yeah, there are definitely parts of gay dating that will take a while to get used to – like calling it gay dating. Who knows … I may never get used to it. I'm not too worried about that yet. I honestly just want friends right now anyway.

Oh yeah, the really cool part is that this guy heads a group of homosexual Mormons in the area, so he's a great resource for meeting other gay Mormons. I'm sure we'll hang out again.

But fear not, I am not limiting myself to only gay Mormons. I actually made a friend with another guy off myspace who is not Mormon, and we'll probably go out sometime. This is so weird for me, but kind of funny. I had to bite my lip a few times tonight because I just wanted to start laughing at the whole situation of me going out with other gay guys. Ha! It's pretty dang funny.

If only I had known that coming out was going to be so easy!

2006-01-09T03:08:00.000-08:00

My brother already knew about my sexuality. They all seem to "already know." This one actually claims that he KNEW, not just speculated, that I was gay. I guess God had been telling him for a while now that I'm gay.

The brother I told tonight has been one of my closest brothers throughout my life. We're very similar in our thought processes – though I could never claim to have his level of intellect. He is really a brilliant person, a very deep thinker. Anyhow, as one of my closest siblings, he wields a lot of influence over me. I came away from our conversation reconsidering a lot of things that I've been ignoring over the past little while. By "things," I mean my religious beliefs. It's so easy to forget the things you believe, and why you believed them in the first place.

This brother and I have a great relationship. We can discuss things openly and honestly without judgment. And when we do get into discussions, we always approach our arguments very passionately, but calmly. I sometimes struggle in our conversations because he, like me, is never wrong. Even more challenging: he refuses to separate religious beliefs from his arguments. He believes in absolute truth and righteousness. This doesn't mean he isn't sympathetic or understanding of my situation; he simply believes in right and wrong, and he does not deviate on that. The man is a rock in his faith. If I had the same faith, I would not have any questions about the path I should follow.

Our 3.5-hour discussion tonight gave me a lot to think about. Happiness mainly. That's really what's at issue here. I simply want to be happy. What will bring me the most happiness? I don't know. That's why I've wanted to try things out with a guy. I want to see how it feels. I want to see if that would make me happy. I'll be honest: I know a lot of unhappy gay people, so I'm not too convinced that "accepting myself" and living a gay lifestyle is the answer. Nonetheless, I'm open to the idea. Of course, my family is terrified that by "trying things out" I will be stepping past the point of no return. Maybe they are right. It's too hard to tell at this point.

I was sad to learn that my other brother -- the one I told three weeks ago -- had actually called and told this brother about two weeks ago. It's not the biggest deal because most people in the family already know or suspect it. Still there's a part of me that is extremely bugged because I had asked him not to mention it to anyone. He was simply struggling to deal with the fact that I'm gay, and he needed someone to talk to. I can understand his internal struggle, but couldn't he have waited three weeks! Honestly! I simply don't need him outting me to the entire family. I want to be the one to do that. He's stealing my thunder! I guess that's the risk I take by coming out to different siblings at different times. Maybe I should do a conference call and tell the whole family at once.

One final funny note ... my brother thinks I might become more effeminate and gay acting if I start to identify as "gay." I tried to explain that I don't look good in tight leather, that I hate rainbows, and that people with lisps and other speech impediments bug me. He just didn't understand. Apparently I'm going to be wearing those butt-less leather chaps very soon. You know the ones I'm talking about. I think it's a requirement for gay porn stars to own a pair before they can join the Porn Actors' Guild. Before long, I'll probably be a porn star too. It's just a matter of time.

Now you have something to look forward to: the release of "Gay Mormon's Hot and Horny Struggles." That's a blockbuster hit waiting to happen.

One More Bites The Dust

2006-01-06T23:14:00.000-08:00

I told another sister-in-law today. Four of twelve family members now know. Eight more to go...

To: Hawaii Dave

2006-01-06T02:27:00.000-08:00

I just emailed Aaron about Affirmation tonight. I think your suggestion is great. So don't get feisty and don't think that I'm ignoring your comments. :) I read every comment that is made on this blog, and I love every one of them (even if they are angry ones).

I figure it won't hurt to check out Affirmation. I'll report back.

Two posts in one night ... I guess miracles do happen ...

Also, check out the new poll. Pretend that one of them says, "meet people through affirmation."

Scarred for LIFE!!!

2006-01-06T00:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, I really need to get something off my chest. So I had THE MOST DISTURBING dream of my life two nights ago!! Holy SHIT! (Yes, it even warrants a swear word from these Peter Priesthood lips of mine.) You may puke at the thought of this -- and I wouldn't blame you if you did. I just want to give you fair warning.

I have NO IDEA why my mind is so FRICKING (love the Mormon swear words) MESSED UP! So get this: I had a dream in which my parents were having sex in front of me. (Can you hear it? The sound of me puking/dry heaving?) To this day, I literally get queezy just thinking about that dream. I think I may need some psychological expertise to help me cope with this trauma! It was awful. Just plain HORRIBLE! The worst part: I can't seem to rid myself of the memory. It just pops into my mind from time to time. I feel like I can finally understand what veterans go through with their flashbacks. I just start twitching and convulsing whenever I have an "episode." It's not pretty. Honestly, I will never be the same person after that dream. Okay, the dream does get a little worse. My dad was wearing leather. Yeah, my porn habits have come back to BITE ME IN THE ASS! DAMN IT!! If this is God's way of getting revenge for my porn viewing days, then I assure you he got it! UNCLE! UNCLE! I give! Just make this memory go away!

Thanks for listening to my horrible story. I must admit that I wasn't going to share this on my blog, but I decided to because I think the world should know exactly how effed up I am! Hopefully people don't stop reading my blog because of this disturbing story. I wouldn't blame you if decided to never visit this blog again. I told a friend in an email that exact same story, and I haven't heard from him since. Yeah, he's probably done with me forever. Run far and fast from this corrupted mind of Gay Mormon!! My mind needs a good thorough washing after that dream. Any brainwashers out there? I'm hiring.

But if you are a dream interpreter, please keep your comments to yourself! I don't need to know what this means. I've already read a few things from www.dreamhawk.com, and, to be quite frank, I was disturbed by the possible interpretations. Please don't share the disgusting meanings of this dream with me. Ignorance is bliss. Actually, my life is a living hell whenever those images flashback. But that's why I definitely DON'T need to know why I dream about horrible, horrible things.

Last thought, then I'm out. How do gay people meet people these days? (More importantly, how do gay Mormon people meet other gay people?) I just moved to a new city. I have no friends. I don't work with anyone whom I'd like to be friends with. What does one do? I said I'd try meeting people through church, but is there another way? Please, clue me in! I've thought about using the Internet to meet people, but that makes me a little nervous. I actually have two "hang out" offers from Internet peoples, but I'm hesitant.

That's it. That's all I've got for now. Sorry for the disturbing parts of this blog entry.

California Life

2006-01-02T01:30:00.000-08:00

I think it's hilarious that I keep moving to gay hot spots across the nation. First, I did an internship in New York. Then I moved to D.C. for an internship. Now I'm living in California, just outside the Bay Area. Ha!

I moved here with my brother and his family. They have been wonderful! I love them to death. I haven't come out to them yet, but it's really only a matter of time. Admittedly, I am a little sad about my move to CA because I don't have any friends out here, but I think I'll like it a lot once I get to know people. However, I can tell already that I won't be able to live with my brother and his family for more than a few months. I love them to death, but I'm a little too old and independent to live with them for long.

Anyhow, since being out here I've noticed that he has installed Covenant Eyes (the same software that I used for my porn issues) on every computer he has access to – work, home, etc. I'm actually happy that he has the software because I hate my porn habits. I went for four months without it, but then I stayed at my brother's house in SLC, and I totally got wrapped back up in it. Covenant Eyes is my porn savior! I swear by the stuff. It's the best thing ever for keeping me honest on the net.

I never told him I had porn issues, but he was one of my "accountability partners" on Covenant Eyes a few years back. Every week he would see reports of my Internet activity. This was during the time of my shared residency with my gay roommate in Provo. That sucker almost outed me! My brother saw gay Web sites popping up on the reports, and I had to explain that it was my roommate, not me. It really was my roommate. How funny is that? I was almost outted by my gay roommie. I wonder if my brother believed me. After all, he's the one with the wife who totally thinks I'm gay. I bet she was saying to him: "See, I told you Gay Mormon is gay."

Last comment on the "gay" word debate. I really wasn't offended or upset by the things Particular Mormon said. I just noticed that the discussion item had come up a few times in December, so I decided to clarify my usage of the word "gay." It sounds like we're all on the same page now. Yes, I'm gay. No, I don't know if I am going to live as one.

So, I've determined that the church is a lot like crack! I'm totally addicted to it. Remember how I said I'd probably take a break from the church once I graduated BYU? Well, I don't know if I can get off this crazy drug called "church." Beyond the spiritual elements that I enjoy, I didn't realize how much of my social life revolves around it. Honestly, how does a person make friends without it? I'm sure it can happen, but I'm just here to tell you that being Mormon really simplifies the friend-making process. Think about it: every week, you meet with one to two hundred other single people who are in their twenties. Not only do they attend church together, but they also plan regular activities together. It's great in so many ways. I understand that not all of them are "friend material," but you can always find a few who are tons of fun to hang out with. Just because I say that, I won't find any.

This thought process all began the other day when I started thinking about how I am going to make friends here in suburbia. Everyone around these parts has a wife and kids! It dawned on me that my one and only hope is to make friends with the other single adult church goers. By the way, I'm really not sad about making friends with Mormons. I love cool Mormons. The lame Mormons aren't all that great, but the fun ones are worth their weight in gold. For the non-Mormons out there, please don’t judge us by the lame Mormons you know. There are a lot of cool ones out there, I promise. I'm one of them, damn it! At least I think I am. Honestly, if you were to meet me and my friends, you'd want to hang out with us. We're that fun! Hahaha.

I am planning to attend the singles branch (congregation) in San Francisco one of these weeks. I think it will be interesting. I wonder if any other gay Mormons attend. I wonder if openly gay Mormons attend. Hmmm. You'd think at least some of them would be gay considering it's San Fran. However, most of the openly gay Mormons I know are very anti-church. Too bad. I think they're throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But I don't blame them. I understand all too well the difficulties of being gay and Mormon.

That last paragraph ought to put me at the top of searches for "gay Mormon." Ha! It wasn't intentional, I swear. "Gay Mormon" just happened to be in every other sentence.

So I sinned this past week. But I don’t feel bad about this one at all. I gambled. *Gasp* I'm a horrible person, but I did win nearly $100! It was so much fun! (I can see how Vegas is going to become a yearly tradition for me.) However, the good Lord did punish me. I had to spend all my winnings repairing a flat tire. I had a blow out on the freeway on my way to CA. That sucked. God always has the last laugh.

Final note. Have any of you heard of dooce.com? I just found out about it. This chick is funny! She's a stay at home, ex-Mormon mom who blogs regularly. I just thought I'd share my find. I've only read a few of her posts, but they are pretty dang funny. Enjoy!

Re: Peculiar Mormon’s "Gay" Issues

2005-12-30T00:19:00.000-08:00

I can understand why a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with homosexual inclinations, tendencies or desires might have a problem with the term "gay." I apologize if I have offended any such persons by using the word. I just find the whole argument to be a bit silly – no offense. I don’t believe that many people make the same distinction between the word "gay" and "same-sex attraction." Perhaps they should. But I doubt they do.

When I use the word gay, I simply mean that I am attracted to men. That doesn’t mean I have rainbow stickers on my bumper. That doesn’t mean I like shopping with my girlfriends. That doesn’t mean I get regular manicures and pedicures. It simply means I am physically and emotionally attracted to men. I doubt anyone outside Mormon gay culture – excuse me, Mormon same-sex attraction culture ;) – would misunderstand that. Plus, saying "I’m gay" sounds better to me than saying "I’m a man with same-sex attraction" or "I have homosexual tendencies." To me, that’s like saying I am a human of the male gender. Sure, it’s correct, but it’s easier to say, "I’m a man." It’s just an argument over semantics. Anyhow, now you know what I mean when I use the word.

While we’re on the topic, I want to defend myself against the accusation of improper word usage. I think I'm the shit when it comes to English grammar and usage, so I must address this. For the record, I have never used the word"gay" as a noun. I know it’s an adjective and I’ve only used it as such. The phrase "I’m gay" is an example of the adjectival usage. It’s just like saying "I’m ugly," "I’m skinny," or "I’m annoyed." Ugly, skinny and annoyed are all adjectives. If I were to use an article, either the definite or indefinite one, then I would be using the word as a noun. Saying "I’m a gay" or "I’m the gay" is an example of the noun form of the word gay. Hardly anyone ever uses the word as a noun.

That’s just an aside. I wanted to prove that I know my nouns and adjectives. :) I feel better.

Lastly, I disagree with Peculiar Mormon on the issue of disclosure. I strongly believe in being open and honest with people. PM suggested I am not "as willing to fight this" because I am telling others. I disagree full heartedly. The only people I’ve known who have fought this successfully – in a manner I respect and appreciate – have been open and honest with their loved ones. I think secrecy is the breeding grounds for major problems. By telling my siblings that I am gay – or that I struggle with homosexual tendencies – I am not saying I am going to live a homosexual lifestyle. I have been frank with them and have told them that I simply don’t know what I’m going to do. Like I’ve noted before, I have made no hard decisions and I constantly go back and forth on the issue.

In any case, the fact is I am attracted to men. Beyond pride, I see no reason for hiding that detail of my life. I’m sure many people could argue against my philosophy. That’s fine. I know a lot of people who live very mysterious lives and don’t reveal any intimate details. And that's fine. But I’ve always prided myself on the fact that my life is an open book – except for the closed homosexual chapter – and I am happiest that way. It’s always bothered me that this part of me has been a secret. Plus, if I really do want help with this aspect of my life, then I’m going to have to open up. That’s one reason why I’ve decided to open this chapter and share it with others. So far, I’ve found the experience to be very helpful – for both me and others. I feel a lot better about myself and my life.

I guess that by "labeling" myself or telling people about my sexuality I am probably reducing my chances of finding a willing girl to marry me. That’s fine. I figure if God really did give me this as a trial and if he really wants me to fight it or overcome it, then he will make that possible -- regardless of the number of people I tell. After all, His will be done. I highly doubt that telling others about my struggles will thwart the plan of God. :)

Alright, everyone bored with this blog entry? I don’t blame you. Here’s a more interesting fact: I finally told my best friend last night over the phone. She didn’t even seem phased by it. She said she would love me regardless of my decisions. She also had suspected that I am gay, but she didn’t want to ask me about it. Bless her heart. She’s wonderful!

I’ve decided that my timing on this has been pretty dang good. By this point, most people have already suspected it, so it hasn’t been a major revelation to anyone. I’m glad that people have been prepared for it thus far. Next people: another brother and his wife. This one should go just as smoothly.

Happy New Year!

Out To A Sibling

2005-12-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

Someone congratulate me! I finally grew some balls and told one of my brothers and his wife. *Huge sigh of relief!* I don’t know why, but telling people about my struggles is so therapeutic! (Okay, I admit that's a stupid statement -- but it really does amaze me.) I feel as if a load of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t really understand why, either. Nothing has changed. I’m still gay. I’m still undecided on how to live my life. I still have porn problems. Regardless, I feel much better.

Things really couldn’t have gone better. This is how it went down …

I had been staying at my brother’s house for a week or so. Over the course of my stay, they has asked me about marriage a few times. I just brushed it off. Finally, on Friday night of last week, Dec. 23, they really pinned me down. They started asking why I was so opposed to marriage, why I didn’t date girls, and why I avoided their questions. I just continued to deflect their questions for about 20 minutes. The entire time, I was thinking, “I want to tell them, but I don’t dare.” Finally, I told myself that if my sister-in-law asked me one more time why I didn’t date girls, I would tell her. Well, she asked.

I said, “Do you guys really want to know why I’m not into dating girls?” They, of course, responded in the affirmative. Then I got emotional. I was surprised. The tears started gushing, and in a broken voice I said, “I struggle with homosexual tendencies. I’m gay.” The tears wouldn’t stop coming. Both of them got up and sandwiched me in a big hug. I couldn’t believe how calm they both were! My sister-in-law did shed a few tears with me, but both of them were extremely composed. I regained my composure after about a minute or two of crying.

We then began a discussion about my situation. It was great. They said from the beginning: “You know you can talk to us about these things. Why didn’t you come to us earlier?” They were more than understanding and supportive. I could not have asked for a better reaction! Honestly.

Naturally, my brother suggested that I try to continue living as a heterosexual. I expected this, and he really offered the suggestion in love. I explained that I didn’t know exactly how I was going to live my life. I warned him I may make some decisions that are highly unpopular with the family. Remarkably, they seemed to understand. Well, my brother didn’t say anything after I said that. My sister-in-law said she could understand why I might make that choice.

I can’t get over how positive the whole experience was!

They believe I can tell my other siblings without fearing banishment. I’ve always felt that deep down, but it’s so nice to get verbal confirmation from a third party. Get this: my sister-in-law said she believes that even my mother would be able to cope with it – even though it wouldn’t be easy. I’m considering telling her.

My sister-in-law also confirmed that the family was starting to wonder. As I mentioned in a previous blog, my sister has already confronted me about it. I even lied to her, telling her no I’m not gay – that’s something I intend to fix soon. My other sister-in-law has suspected that I am gay for years now. I plan to come out to her and my brother this weekend. In fact, I have committed to come out to all my siblings within the next year. I won’t be able to come out to them all right away, but in a year’s time it will happen. The main problem is that I want to tell them in person – not over the phone. It’s going to take time before I have a chance to get each sibling (along with spouse) alone in person.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the obscure blessing in my timing! I was very fortunate to have told my brother and his wife when I did. Two days after leaving their home, my brother called me and told me he had found some gay porn on his computer. Yes, unfortunately, I had been into it on his computer. Anyhow, I am so glad that I had told him about my sexuality beforehand! It would have been awful for him to find out about me that way.

He was less understanding about the porn on his computer. He said that he doesn’t care what kind of porn I’m viewing – he wants to help me quit it quickly. I’ll be honest: I’m not too excited about his offer to help. But he was pretty insistent, so I don’t have much choice. I guess I’m bugged because I feel like I am making progress, yet he acted like he was the first to know about my problem with it. Ah, I’ll get over it. I’m sure he’ll be good about it. He usually is.

So I’ve been thinking about why I was emotional when I came out to my brother and his wife. I wasn’t emotional coming out to my other two friends. My reaction just didn’t make sense to me. But then I realized that I also cried when I told my father. (I don’t remember crying when talking to anyone else about it.) I decided that I honestly believe that my family will be disappointed or disgusted with me, or reject me. I hate letting people down, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing when I tell family. There simply is so much emotion behind these homosexual issues.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt peace like this. It’s so relieving to talk about these issues. Yet, each time it’s extremely difficult to do. I suppose the best things in life don’t come easily, so I’ll deal with the difficulty.

Happy holidays!!!

One Year Later

2005-12-16T02:25:00.000-08:00

Hmmm. What’s the last thing I should be doing at 2:30 a.m.? That’s right … blogging. :) I feel bad that my blog has gone rather unattended in recent months. My apologies to all those faithful readers who can’t make it through the day without hearing from gay Mormon boy. I’m sure there are so many like that. No, I am super happy that I have the few readers that I do have (that sentence sucked structurally ... but I don’t feel like recasting it … it’s going to stay).

Well, it was a little over a year ago when I first began this blog. What a wonderful experiment! I started thinking about my blog, and I wondered: what has this blog done for me? One reader said about ten months ago that even after a year's time I would be at the exact same point because I can’t make up my mind. He’s right. I don’t think I’m any more decided on my sexuality than when I first began this blog. I still believe the church is true. I still have homosexual desires.

However, I don’t think this blog was a waste. Let’s do a quick recap of the year.

1) I was able to come out to two friends – something I probably wouldn’t have done without this blog. This dialogue has helped me become more confident in myself as a gay person. Two people may not be a lot, but it's a beginning.

2) I have realized that I love who I am. I love my personality and I love being me. I have imperfections, but that’s okay. I’m still a good person (at least I think I am).

3) I have come to realize that people are wonderful! So many blog readers have said so many wonderful things about me. Maybe it’s just because I’m a sucker for flattery, but I think you all are phenomenal. I wish I could meet you all. I just absolutely love reading the nice (and even the not-so-nice) things people have said on this post. I realize that the group of people who read this blog has probably changed dramatically over the past year, but I hope you all know how grateful I am for your wonderful comments. Thanks everyone!

4) I have come to realize that both sides of this debate have equally valid points. It’s a tough dilemma: religion v. sexuality.

5) Last, but not least, I have decided to gradually reveal my homosexuality to family and friends. I just decided this recently. In fact, I was so close to coming out to my best friend last night. I chickened out – for several reasons – but I told her I wanted to tell her something this Sunday. I’m nervous about it, but I feel like it’s time. I feel like she has an idea and that she should know. I just hope telling her doesn’t change our relationship too dramatically.

Speaking of telling her, how should I go about it? I was thinking of a top 10 list of funny/horrible /cheesy ways to come out to somebody. I didn’t come up with 10, but here are the ones that I did come up with. You can vote on the one you like best (see side bar). We’ll pretend my good friend’s name is Heather.

A) Heather, you and I are so much alike … we both like peppermint hot chocolate, we both love to dance, we’re both attracted to men ...

B) You know how we both love David (mutual friend)? Well, I really do LOVE David.

C) Heather, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a long time. I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. I know we’ve always just been good friends, but I think we should take this relationship to the next level. That’s why I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told another girl in my entire life. Heather, I’m gay.

D) Oh, I have a funny story for you. You know how I'm gay, right? Well the other day...

Any other funny ways of telling your best friend your gay? I’m definitely open to ideas! I'm positive you all have funnier ways of saying, "I'm gay."

All Polls Ever On Gay Mormon's Site

2005-12-15T01:46:00.000-08:00

Here are a few old polls that have been on my blog. I just thought it was a shame to get rid of them, so I've posted them here in the archives for anyone who's curious. By the way, I update this post regularly, so even though it is dated December 15, 2005, it remains current.

Religion V. Sexuality

Mormon? What's Your Religion?

Feeling Better

2005-11-24T23:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, sorry for leaving on such a downer last post. I’m feeling much better now. Those crappy feelings lasted about two days, and then I got over it. I realized that it’s okay for me to not be exactly like my friend. We’ve very different people, and that’s a great thing. The fact that I masturbate and he doesn’t does not put him on a higher plane – just different ones. Plus, I would never want his life. I like mine a lot.

Today I watched the Johnny Cash film, “Walk The Line.” Wow! What a downer! I thought the movie was very well done. The acting was phenomenal, the writing was great, the story flowed well, and the cinematography was good, but Cash’s life totally sucked! It was quite depressing. It was nice, though, to be reminded of what life is all about.

During the movie I started thinking about what kind of life I want to have … not Johnny Cash’s, that’s for sure. I actually had a hard time pinpointing what kind of person I want to be. But I was able to determine what type of person I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be the bitter gay guy who hates the Mormon church.
I don’t want to be that lonely guy who has nothing in his life but work.
I don’t want to be the rainbow flag-carrying gay rights dude.
I don’t want to be a closed-minded religious zealot.
I don’t want to be the guy who takes himself too seriously.

That’s what I’ve come up with so far. I am really worried about the first one. I have found myself criticizing the church. I really don’t want to be that guy. I don’t criticize other religions, so there’s no reason to criticize the one I belong to. Plus, there’s so much about the church that I love, so it really doesn’t make sense to find the inconvenient parts and attack them. The church is a great organization. Heck, I still believe it’s of God. That’s why it’s absolutely ridiculous that I criticize it.

Guilty

2005-11-18T14:49:00.000-08:00

I just had another experience that reminded me of how deeply rooted my religious beliefs are. Ugh! I can’t even describe the feelings of unrest that I’ve been going through for the past 24 hours. I hate feeling like this!! Sometimes I think it would have been much better to have grown up in a non-religious family. That said, I’ve had a wonderful life thus far.

Here’s the story. My buddy was sleeping in my room last night, and he asked me if I had ever masturbated before. (Who asks that?) I answered in the affirmative. Then I asked him if he had. He hasn’t! I know that many people may not believe him, but I do. I know he is telling the truth. He’s very open and has no reason to lie.

I automatically felt overwhelming guilt that I have masturbated – and still do. I had recently started feeling comfortable with the fact that I masturbate, and then this happens. In fact, I don’t masturbate nearly as much any more because I stopped thinking it was a big deal. Anyhow, now I just have tons of anxiety and guilt about it. It’s driving me nuts. I know that it will go away eventually – it always does. I just wish it would go away faster. I’ve been trying to use all sorts of tactics to get rid of it, but it’s still here.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel so crappy all of a sudden. I think I feel this way because I’ve been telling myself that it’s impossible to live all the church’s standards. I now know that it’s not impossible at all! It’s very possible. I just don’t. That’s a very depressing thought. This buddy of mine is effing perfect! The worst thing he’s done is make out with girls! I’m not saying he is perfect, but morally speaking he is.

Okay, here’s the real problem … I am PISSED that Mormons put such a HUGE emphasis on masturbation! It’s such an abomination to them. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize my sins away.

This event has set me back big time. I haven’t hated my homosexuality this much in a long, long time. I know that I will get over these crappy feelings. (I’m feeling better already after writing about them.) Nonetheless, it’s times like these when I just wish I were heterosexual. My life would be compatible with my religious beliefs if I weren’t gay. Anywho … besides that, I’m doing great.

Just a Quick Coming-Out Story

2005-11-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

I told another person. Ha! It makes me laugh. This one was completely unintentional. Most of the others I had contemplated for several weeks. This one happened only because I felt bad for a friend.

Here’s the scoop. My friend, who is a wonderful, funny, and bright girl, confessed her love for me in a special “talk” that she had arranged. I told her I was flattered that she felt that way about me, and that I certainly thought she was a phenomenal person with many wonderful qualities, but that I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. After telling her this, it was obvious that she was crushed, embarrassed, etc. I knew the only way to fully explain my unattraction toward her was to tell her about my sexuality. So I did.

The news was very relieving for her. She expressed sympathy for my circumstances, but I think she was happy to know I wasn’t just rejecting her for superficial reasons. Fortunately, I don’t mind that she knows. She is completely accepting of homosexuals – many of her best friends are homosexual – and I knew the knowledge wouldn’t affect our friendship. Quick side note: she, four of her friends and I went out to dinner a couple weeks ago, and she leaned over and said half the people at the table were gay (three of the six). Little did she know that actually a majority of the people at the table were gay. We laughed about this when I told her about my sexuality. I thought it was very funny.

Anyhow, that occurrence was completely unforeseen. Funny though. Ha!

On Homosexual Marriage

2005-10-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

About six months ago, a former roommate (we’ll call him Ben) and I had a very interesting discussion about gay marriage. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this discussion on my blog. If I have shared it, you can skip this post. Anyhow, I used to favor gay marriage; however, since that discussion, I have been leaning away from it. I’m still not convinced either way, but I thought I’d throw these thoughts down on paper/blog space.

I like this argument because it’s one you don’t hear too often. Well, at least I don’t. I’ve just kept these thoughts in the back of my mind, until recently. Just a couple weeks ago, Jamie (best friend) and I discussed gay marriage, and I shared this perspective. She pointed out some holes in the argument, so I’ve done some adjusting, and now it’s your turn to comment. By the way, this is far from a perfect argument. But I think it’s interesting.

First off, you should know that Ben, my former roommate, comes across as homosexual, even though he is actually very straight. He gives off this impression because not only is he more effeminate, but he is also very involved in the performing arts. He’s a dancer, singer and actor. (Forgive me for stereotyping. I’ve since repented for my misjudgment.) Because of his background, he has quite a few gay friends, and he is very understanding and accepting of their lifestyle. My point: he’s not just some homophobe.

Anyhow, Ben believes that homosexual marriage should not be allowed because it wouldn’t be in the government’s best interest. Before you lynch me, hear me out. He asked me why the government sanctions marriage in the first place. I cited tradition, tax breaks, and certain legal benefits. He probed deeper, asking why the government would give tax breaks and legal benefits to a married couple, and even go so far as to validate a religious ceremony (I suppose you could argue that marriage isn’t based in religion, but I’d disagree with you).

I just looked at him, waiting for the answer he was obviously preparing to give me. He went on to explain that the government has an interest in marriage because heterosexual families are a societal good. Heterosexual marriage is good mainly because more often than not such a union leads to children. Children create growth. Growth is good because it provides a healthy economy. According to Ben, that’s one of the main reasons the government has its hand in marriage: it wants to see economic progress.

Marriage is also important because a family is the best place for a child to be reared. Families provide moral education that the government simply cannot provide. At home, children are taught to be honest, to not steal, to serve others, to be good citizens, etc. The government RELIES on families to promote a healthy, growing society.

Now, I know your following argument: “A homosexual couple could certainly rear children in a very responsible, healthy manner.” You’re absolutely right. But so could two grandparents. Or a polygamist family. Or a single mother or father. But those situations aren’t ideal for a child, so why encourage it. Plus, it’s not certain that gay people would even have children (mainly because they lack the plumbing), so why encourage an activity that has a very uncertain result. Yes, gay people can adopt, even though they can’t make babies. However, that’s not the ideal situation either, so why encourage it.

Moreover, it’s also likely that allowing homosexual marriage would cause more people to become or live homosexual lifestyles. As homosexuality increases, the number of people pursuing families and children would decrease. Fewer families having children would result in a declining population – a bad thing for any government or nation.

Summary of the main points: 1) the government wants to encourage families because they are a societal good, they grow the economy and they help teach moral education, 2) the best way to promote families is to encourage man-and-wife unions, and 3) by encouraging homosexuality, the nation’s population would likely decline at a faster rate – a bad thing.

Okay, I’m sure you all disagree on some level. I hope I haven’t offended too many. Ha! I just thought I’d get these arguments out on the table. Many of us are probably tired of the whole homosexual marriage debate, so feel free to ignore this last post if you’re fed up with it.

I’m still trying to decide what would be best – for the nation, for families, for people. Let me know what you all think.

Cruising Time (kind of like the song "Closing Time")

2005-10-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

I had another cruising moment tonight. This time I actually had a really hard time resisting. I was walking home from the subway, and this good-looking guy and I made eye contact just outside my complex. It was the typical cruising moment: we sized each other up, and then stared each other down as we passed. After we passed, I had to keep telling myself not to look back. But that lasted only about five seconds. I finally looked back to find him looking back as well. Oh no! I was caught! Or, maybe I should say, OH YES, I was caught. Anyhow, when I turned my head, he stopped walking the other direction and was turning around, but I just looked straight ahead and kept walking. (ahh!)

I did this for a few reasons, and maybe someone can shed some light on my reaction to this event. First, even though he was very good looking (which made it hard because it made it a lot harder to keep walking), I have a feeling he just wanted a one-night stand. Am I wrong? I can’t say for certain what he wanted, but that’s what I’ve always assumed. To be honest, I’ve never understood that whole cruising process. What are their motives? Please expound if someone knows. In any case, if he just wanted to have a one-night stand, I'm almost positive I wouldn't have been interested. That's not going to be very fulfilling, right?

Second, I really don’t know what to say to someone in that situation. Had I turned around, I’m sure I would have been at a loss for words. In fact, my heart immediately started racing (I got nervous) when he turned around, and I think my reaction of just walking on was partly based in fear/nervousness.

Anyhow, I just need some reassurance that I did the right thing. Or, I need someone to tell me that I am totally off-base with my assumptions.

On another note, thanks for all the great comments. Adam’s comments were especially convincing. Thanks for all the dialogue everyone.

The Gay Discussion

2005-10-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

I recently learned that a genetic explanation for homosexuality is really the gay community’s only legitimizing argument for gay marriage. Last night I got into a lengthy discussion about gay marriage with five of my Mormon guy friends, a rather risky move on my part. I simply played devil’s advocate and challenged their views on the issue. All five guys were strongly opposed to gay marriage – not a big shocker considering the audience.

One of the guys was especially passionate about the issue. He has done a lot of research on the topic, and he had great arguments against it. He’s definitely on the far right of the political spectrum. Anyhow, I found that my strongest argument for gay marriage was that homosexuality may be genetics-based. Of course, other arguments do exist, but my friend was able to rebut all of them, except the genetics one. When I argued that homosexuality is determined by DNA, he had to refer to Mormon leaders who say that people aren’t born gay (a weak argument outside church circles).

The discussion was very interesting. I really enjoyed it – even though I’m sure many of them now suspect that I’m gay. Ha!

Here are some of their arguments, which are the typical ones, against homosexual marriage:

1) Sending mixed messages to children (i.e., that both homosexual and heterosexual marriages are okay) will confuse them, resulting in an increase in homosexuality.

2) Allowing homosexual marriage will lead to the destruction of the family, the fundamental unit of society.

3) Children raised in homosexual homes will develop serious psychological problems.

4) If homosexuality is learned, then the government has no obligation to allow gay marriage.

I also had a great one-on-one discussion with one of them afterward. Our discussion focused on gay Mormons. He argued that sexuality has taken center stage in our society, causing people to think that it’s the MOST important element of their life. He blamed the media for this shift in American culture. He argued that sexuality should be a secondary issue – for heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. As you can guess, he argued that gay Mormons should abstain or marry women. I really enjoyed hearing his perspective. I respect his views.

Besides those conversations, nothing really important going on in the life of this gay Mormon.

Spiritual Conflict

2005-09-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

Here’s a weird coincidence: one of my readers posts under the name of “D-Train,” and a very good-looking friend of mine also goes by “D-Train.” I almost defecated (what a funny word) in my pants when I first saw the author’s name. However, I doubt the D-Train who posted on my blog is the same person as my friend because the “D-Train” I know doesn’t have the best writing skills – bless his heart. (The D-Train who commented here, on the other hand, has excellent writing skills.)

Okay, down to business ... I just wanted to share a frustrating experience. To begin, I had a pretty frustrating day today. Things just wouldn’t go my way – at work, at home, – I’m sure you understand. So tonight, despite my crappy mood, I decided to go to institute (Mormon bible study class for young single adults). That just made things worse. Okay, actually it made things better. But that’s the problem. I was just starting to feel comfortable about distancing myself from the church, but then I go and have a spiritual experience that reaffirms my belief in it. It happens all the time. It’s a bit frustrating. I wish I could just get up and walk away from the church without any emotion attached to the situation. :) Only in the perfect world ...

I just sat in institute hating the fact that I was feeling the spirit – that’s weird. I was actually happy that my bad day ended on a good note and that I was feeling the happy and warm inside. Nonetheless, it just makes the looming decision ahead of me much harder to decide.

Okay, that was my moment for the day.

Out To One

2005-09-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

I came out to a friend this Thursday. I hadn’t even planned on coming out to her, but it just happened. First, you have to know that she and I go way back. We became best friends during our freshman year of college (okay, so we only go back six years – seems like a long time to me). It’s kind of funny because she was the HOT girl in the ward, and everyone wanted to date her, but I just wanted to be her BF. Ha! But I didn’t want to be her best friend just because she is beautiful. In fact, the most amazing thing about her is she’s more beautiful on the inside than she is on the outside. (I’m not just saying that because she is reading this – ha!) We really had great times during our freshman year.

Anyhow, we’ve remained close friends since 1999, but I’ve never told her I’m gay. To be honest, I had a feeling that she knew about my sexuality. First, she is a therapist, and she works with a lot of gay men. Second, she’s married – to an amazing guy – and has had a child, yet we still call each other to say hello. Obviously, she can have heterosexual friends as a married person, but I don’t have any other married female friends who stay in touch with me. Third, she never asks me about my relationships with girls – a very kind gesture, indeed.

The other night we were talking, and she told me how she and her husband have decided to distance themselves from the church – i.e., stop going. She then shared some of their reasons for deciding to stop going to church. Because she had just shared a very personal detail from her life, it just felt natural for me to tell her about my situation. I said, “Can I drop a bombshell on you? I’m gay.” She said, in a very nonchalant sort of way, “I know.” It was actually pretty funny/refreshing.

She is the first close friend I’ve told about my sexuality. Though I was nervous when I first told her, I have felt completely at ease talking to her about it. She understands completely, and she isn’t bothered by it at all. In fact, I just learned tonight that she and her husband had talked about how I was probably gay. Ha! I guess I don’t keep secrets too well – that, or she knows me way too well.

If all my friends reacted like this friend of mine did, I’d come out in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, not all friends are like my good friend from freshman year. She has been trained to deal with sensitive, personal information. She deals with this type of information daily. If I had suspected she might treat me differently because I’m gay, I wouldn’t have told her. I’m so glad she’s a true friend.

The best part is that she just wants me to be happy. I told her I haven’t made a decision regarding my future – whether to live as a good Mormon or live as a homosexual. Though she personally doesn’t agree with the church’s stance toward homosexuality, she doesn’t care which path I choose – so long as I’m happy. I love her to death. If only everyone was like my good friend. :)

Drawing A Blank

2005-09-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

As I sat down to write, I realized something unusual: I really don’t have much to write! At first I thought something might be wrong with me, but then I realized that I don’t have much to write about because I haven’t been thinking about my homosexuality lately. I’ve been so busy with work, friends, and play. I work my brains out, and I love it. Also, I don’t have Internet access, so I’ve been using filtered, public computers – not the most conducive to porn, emailing or blogging. It’s been absolutely FANTASTIC!! Life is definitely very good right now.

Yes, I do still struggle, but don’t we all? I sometimes start feeling lonely and sorry for myself, but then I remember that EVERYONE feels lonely sometimes. Everyone struggles. I’m not so special – even though my ego tells me otherwise. Ha! I was sitting behind a handicapped person in church the other day, and I couldn’t help but think that the likelihood of that person getting married is slim to none. Though he is perfectly sound minded, his body is crippled and it’s unlikely he will ever marry … all because of circumstances which are beyond his control. He and I have a lot in common.

I actually have things much better than he. If I wanted to date a guy, I could. Even though he probably wants to date a girl, it’s just unlikely that it will ever happen.

Anyhow, I don’t mean to imply that I’m doomed to a life of loneliness, but I am saying I will survive if I don’t ever fall in love and spend my life with someone. Not the ideal way to live life, but definitely a good way to live life. :)

M.I.A. No More

2005-09-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C., is WONDERFUL! Things have been going so well for me! I can’t tell you how fun it has been! Okay, enough with the exclamation points.

I’m finally settled into my new home, and now I can stop being so transient. Last month I moved two different times. It stunk. But now I have Internet access and life is good. Admittedly, there was a good aspect to being Internetless – no porn. I haven’t looked at the stuff for three weeks now. Very exciting! Though it may be a result of my upbringing, I’ve found that not looking at the stuff makes me feel much better inside. If only I could figure out how to make it last. Maybe I should just continue living as a transient. Hmmmm ...

Thank you all for commenting on my blog. I wish I had time to respond to each comment. At this point, I don’t have that kind of time, but I have read all of them.

I appreciate all your well wishes regarding my recent graduation and move to D.C. Things are good here.

Regarding my poll … I agree that “getting people off my back” is probably not reason enough to come out. Though I’d love to stop “hiding” this from people, it’s probably best I be selective when choosing people to tell. So far, I haven’t done anything. I think I might tell one of my best friends, but the moment will have to be right. I don’t want to just bring it up randomly. “So, have I ever mentioned that I’m gay?” That would go over like a pregnant high jumper.

As one commenter already noted, I still have at least a year before I’m a menace to society (see Brigham Young quotes). No need to worry about things yet. By the way, Kevin, you said to shoot you an email, but I don’t have your email address. Everyone already knows mine, so feel free to email me directly: gay.mormon@yahoo.com.

Darcy, I wish I were more confident in my gaydar. Unfortunately, I think I am quick to find “gay traits” in guys, even though they aren’t homosexual at all.

Patmos, there’s no need to drop off the radar (I feel a bit hypocritical saying that considering the past two months). I always really enjoyed your comments, so please continue to comment, if you still read this ever.

I tend to agree with George that questioning one’s beliefs can be a very healthy exercise. After all, sometimes the status quo is wrong. Not always, but sometimes.

Robert said he was happy I identify myself as “gay.” Though I openly admit to being gay, I must also openly confess that I have not embraced the gay culture. Some contend that being “gay” involves a cultural shift – which I have not experienced. I personally think “same-sex attraction” is a euphemism. When it comes down to it, both gay guys and same-sex attracted guys like men.

I have to say that I’m jealous of Fellow!! I'd love to live a life where I don't feel like I am hiding anything. I'd love for people to know that I struggle with homosexuality. Yet, I'd love to still have the option of living as a heterosexual, even though people know I'm gay. I didn't think such a life was possible, but it seems as though Fellow is living that life.

More comments please…

Flying Out

2005-08-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Living as a transient can certainly be challenging. I have been living out of my suit case for the past week and a half, and I haven't had Internet access during this time. Today I fly to D.C. to begin yet another internship. Someday I'll move on to a permanent career. :)

I've enjoyed reading all the comments, and I intend to respond to them as soon as possible. However, I don't know when I'll have a chance to, so be patient during my time of transition.

Sorry for not replying to those of you who have written me. I will get back to you in the next few weeks.

What's the Deal?

2005-08-15T04:31:00.000-07:00

As of late, more people than usual have been asking me about my marriage plans. As a newly returned missionary, it was okay for me to not be interested in marriage. However, now that it’s been nearly 2.5 years, people start expecting guys to settle down and have kids. As you know, I haven’t ever had a serious girlfriend, and when I go on dates, it’s just for fun. People are starting to notice.

Just tonight, one of my mission buddies asked me if I think I’ll ever get married (I told him that I don’t know). The other day, another friend said, “Though I’m not questioning your sexuality, I really don’t understand why you don’t date girls seriously.” (I just laughed.) Even my nieces and nephews are concerned. One of them said last week, “You’re never getting married.” (I told her she’s probably right.) She’s adorable and only 5-years old. Nonetheless, even at her age, she’s very aware of Mormon culture. She knows that I’m unique because I’m not married at my old age of 24. My 10-year-old nephew thinks I need a dog to keep me company because I’m obviously destined to a life of loneliness. (He’s a big animal lover. A dog will cure any problem in his book.) Basically, everyone wants to know what my deal is.

Needless to say, I’m sick of skirting the issue. I’m thinking about letting certain groups of people know about my homosexuality. But I still face the same question: “What purpose will it serve?” Is getting people off my back enough reason to tell them about my sexuality. Doing so will only open another can of worms – probably a much larger and more complex one.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on coming out to other people. What are the main benefits and drawbacks – especially considering my situation specifically.

I’ve created a poll for those who don’t want to leave comments (and for those who do want to leave comments). Please let me know what you think I should do. Is it worth it to come out? Is it worth the awkwardness? Is it worth losing certain friendships? Is it worth the peace of mind? Let me know.

Ode to DS

2005-08-13T05:13:00.000-07:00

Time flies when you’re busy! Shaiza! It’s been a while since I posted.

Quick update:

I graduated from college (yippee).

I’m still in Provo, but looking to move elsewhere at the end of the month.

I’m still gay (actually, that’s debatable – I’ll explain later).

Sometimes I hate how I use this site as a confession forum, but it’s so nice to get things off my chest. First, I have been pretty wrapped up in the porn as of late. Disappointing, but I’m past feeling. I don’t really care anymore.

Second, I know this guy (whom I just met a month or so ago), and I really wish he were gay. I’d date him in a heartbeat. His initials are DS. Sometimes, I think there’s a chance that he might be gay, but he’s really spiritual and into the church (of course, being spiritual and being gay are not mutually exclusive, but his love for the church makes me think he’s not into guys). He just got off his mission six months ago. He’s very attractive, but also just an amazing person.

A few gay signs I’ve noticed: (1) he doesn’t really talk about girls he’s interested in, (2) he’s a great dresser, (3) he seemed concerned when I said I’d be leaving the state at the end of the month, (4) he wants to go on a road trip with me (but who doesn’t), (5) one of his good friends is a closeted homosexual (that’s my opinion), and (6) he has quite a few girl best friends (like me).

I realize a lot of those signs are just stereotypical bullcrap; nonetheless, I cling to them. :) Anyhow, those are my most recent homo feelings.

As for the comment earlier that it’s debatable whether I’m gay or not, let me explain. I read the following paragraph in a book review published by FAIR. The review is for a book called “In Quiet Desperation” about two homosexual Mormon guys. This is the paragraph I was intrigued by:

“… the term "gay" often indicates a "homosexual identity." Gay signifies a label, most often a social and political label based upon an individual's attractions as demonstrated by their sexual behaviors. Emotional affiliation and bonding with same-sex peers most notably seen in the closeness of transescent [sic] peer groups (where boys band together) is normal and healthy. It is when such attractions are eroticized that they become problematic for many individuals.”

I guess I’m not technically gay then. I’m just “homosexually oriented” according to their definition. Interesting.

Anyhow, I hope you all are doing well. Drop a comment sometime to say, “Hello.”

Struggling Wife of a Gay Mormon

2005-07-24T03:16:00.000-07:00

A woman posted the following comment to my blog last week. She wrote it in response to my “Gay Mormon + Heterosexual Woman ... Can it work?” post. I thought it was too good to let go unnoticed.

After you read it, I’d like to discuss it ...

“I have been married for 12 years this month, and my husband and best friend just told me a month ago that he is gay. It has devastated my world and I am so confused. At first I was in denial and then angry at him. I love him with all my heart. We have three beautiful children. He says he will not leave me and he loves me. I am so scared that he will not want to continue being married to me and he will turn to the homosexual lifestyle. He says that he does not want to live that lifestyle. I am so scared that I will not be loved and desired like I want to be. I know that sounds selfish. I pray constantly that God will give me peace. I am so anxious now when my husband goes to the gym and out with his buddies. I am having trouble trusting him. I want to so much and I want everything to be okay. We communicate great and have a wonderful friendship. I know that we have a better marriage than other couples I know. I know our marriage is deeper and is based on real love. I just wish that God will grant my husband with the desire for me like I have for him. I cry daily and I think I am depressed. I do not talk to anyone about this.”

My heart breaks reading this post!!! I want to reach out and hug this woman. I hope she returns to my blog someday. In case she does come back sometime, I’d like to say the following:

I honestly believe your husband loves you. Though he may be attracted to men, he obviously cares about you and your children and has no intention of leaving you. Besides hiding this from you, has he ever done anything to make you think you can’t trust him? If not, I’d say you need to learn to trust him once again.

Just out of curiosity ... What led to his telling you about his homosexuality? How did you react? Would you have still married him had you known this before you were wed? How has this information affected your current relationship?

I wish this woman the best. I would love to hear what she would have me do, considering I am a gay Mormon guy like her husband. Actually, she didn’t mention if she’s Mormon or not. I just assumed she was. Anyhow, I’d love to hear her advice to me. Hers is a rarely seen perspective on my blog.

Sleepless in Provo

2005-07-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

I tried to go to bed at like 11 p.m. tonight, and after an hour of sleep, I woke up feeling completely alert again. Randy, I feel your pain. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I can tell already. By nature, I am a night owl, but I can usually sleep through the night once I fall asleep. I don’t know what my deal is tonight.

Anyhow, I thought I’d respond to a few comments posted on my blog.

First off, take it easy on Utah. :) I really do love my state, even if it’s not New York. (I love New York as well.) I could be happy living here or anywhere – even if it’s not the best place to meet gay guys.

I agree that my sexuality isn’t a teeny part of my makeup, but neither is my religion. :) In fact, I’d argue that my religion is a bigger part of me. Anyhow, back to my sexuality ... honestly, I don’t think it defines who I am. It’s just a part of me – nothing more, nothing less. A few people commented that I am trying to hide “who I really am.” I disagree. I am much more than homosexual. I don’t feel that my personality would change were I to come out of the closet. I would still be the same person.

I do agree, however, that coming out would help me feel more comfortable when the topic of marriage or dating came up. That would be the main benefit of coming out. For right now, I’m okay with avoiding those topics. In my opinion, the pros of coming out don’t outweigh the cons at this point. Maybe down the road sometime ... especially if it might help me find a job in PR, advertising or marketing. Ha!

Transition.

Though one reader keeps citing the Kinsey studies as hard facts, I think it would be fair to mention that Kinsey’s methods are highly disputed. The debate centers on his sampling methods. Many argue that he used a non-probability sample for his research, likely biasing his results. Moreover, most studies since that time report the actual homosexual population as much lower than 10 percent. It seems as though a mean of 4 percent or 5 percent has become the generally accepted proportion of homosexuals in the nation. Of course, sexuality is very difficult to measure in our society – especially considering its highly stigmatized nature – and it’s likely we will never know accurate stats on the issue.

Just thought I’d throw that in.

Kudos to the woman who has been living with her homosexual husband for six years. I would love to talk to that woman. I want to know more about their lives together. I’ve been dying to hear from a woman who is/was married to a gay Mormon. Ma’am, if you ever read this again, please comment on this blog. This Gay Mormon would REALLY appreciate that.

I must agree with Sophia. I don’t think that I need a cooperative friend to give me some gay physical lovin’. What I really need is a great relationship with a guy whom I love and who loves me in return. That’s what I need if I’m going to live as a homosexual. :) I don’t want to have sex with a guy just to help me get used to having sex with a guy. Ugh.

I appreciated Patmos’ caring comment. I believe he is sincere. I don’t think it’s fair to say that he has some ulterior motive, or that I shouldn’t trust him. Of course, I take a person’s biases into account when I consider his or her opinions; nonetheless, that doesn’t mean the person’s comments aren’t genuine. I believe in the inherent goodness of human beings (cheesy, I know), and I’d rather err on the side of trust. I work off the assumption that those who comment want the best for me. Perhaps I’m naïve. That’s okay. I’d rather be naïve than distrustful.

Moving on ... I agree that if I were to come out (when I come out is probably more accurate – I can’t keep this a secret forever), it would help many people see homosexuality in a different light. I’ve thought about telling people for that reason alone. I absolutely agree that it’s not my problem if they can’t handle the truth.

I do need to start getting support. I need a therapist, damn it. :) Sorry for the cuss word. It’s my guilty pleasure (that, and sleeping in).

Oh yeah, an update on the female friend (stated that way to avoid calling her a “girlfriend). She and I are just friends. I’ve changed my approach to the situation, and now it’s evident that I’m not pursuing a relationship. It probably confused her a bit, but that’s okay. It’s best for both of us.

I was sad to hear about one reader’s difficulties in her relationship with her gay Mormon boyfriend. So sorry that it caused her such trauma. That’s exactly what I don’t want to happen to any girl I date. Hence, the change to my approach with the female friend.

Okay, it’s late. Going to try to sleep again.

Night.

Another Michelle?

2005-07-14T02:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been hanging out with a girl a lot lately. She’s really great. We have a lot of fun when we’re together. I think she is one of the funniest girls I know. However, I am beginning to worry, as I always do, that it’s not fair to date her because I’m gay. Now I’m stuck trying to decide what would be best for both her and me. So far, I’ve pursued the relationship as if it might go somewhere, but it’s only been a week, so it’s a little premature to judge. Nonetheless, I don’t know if this approach is fair to her. On the other hand, we just have fun together, so who cares. I’m leaving in a month and a half anyway.

I must admit that I hate some of my ulterior motives. Occasionally I think dating this girl would be nice just because it would ease many of my friends’ and family’s fears. Ha! That’s terrible. Honestly, that’s not why I hang out with this girl. She’s really a cool person – pretty too. Nonetheless, the thought is there, and it would be a nice perk to a relationship.

Also, I hate how I use my sexuality as an excuse (in my head) a lot of times. For example, I was kind of bugged about how she was acting tonight (she was acting less interested in me), and so I immediately thought, “Who cares? I like guys anyway.” Ha! I’m so pathetic. I’m sure there are tons of people out there – gay and straight – who find excuses to avoid getting hurt. It’s a natural human reaction, in my opinion. I’ve never opened up to anyone because I’m terrified of being rejected. I hate the thought. I’ve just got to remember that with any great opportunity comes great risk. Ahhh!

Mission Nostalgia

2005-07-12T00:31:00.000-07:00

I recently attended my mission president’s homecoming. This event was a mile marker of sorts for me because I now have zero connections to the mission (i.e., I don’t know any of the missionaries serving there). That chapter of my life is more closed now than ever.

I had the chance to hang out with a bunch of mission friends this last weekend, and I got so nostalgic. Though those feelings can be sweet, I also hate them because there’s nothing I can do about them. I can’t go back in time. I can’t re-experience my mission. I just have to treasure the good memories from my mission and move on.

I haven’t felt this kind of nostalgia for a long time. I really feel like I’ve done a great job of moving on in life. However, then we started sharing mission stories over the weekend, and a flood of emotions inundated me. My mission really was wonderful. Though I sometimes feel like I failed as a missionary, I treasure that experience more than any other. I love the people, the cities, the history, the culture – everything. Of course, I’m forgetting all the difficult times, but that’s what makes memories so wonderful, right? You forget all the bad and remember just the good.

The mission reunion was also difficult for me because it reminded me of what’s at stake when it comes to my sexuality. If I choose to live a gay Mormon lifestyle, I will likely lose many of my mission friends. I won’t likely continue to go to reunions and mission events. I will likely become part of the mission gossip.

I really don’t want any of those things to happen.

This realization kind of stopped me in my tracks this weekend. It reminded me why I had chosen to fight my homosexual desires in the first place.

I want the best of both worlds, and I can’t have it. I’ve got to make sacrifices one way or the other.

Nostalgia … ugh!

Sleepless Nights

2005-07-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep. And for the first time in a long while, I don’t know what to say on my blog. I think my brain must be fried from all the fricking research I did today. Literally 12 hours worth. And why can’t I sleep? I have no idea!

I’m going to make this short.

While I’m at a loss for words, I’d like to thank those few individuals who post comments and write emails to me. I love the few cyber friendships I’ve been able to establish over the past few months. I’ve been busier than crap these past few weeks, so if I haven’t been prompt in replying to your emails, please forgive me.

Also, I really want to thank Robert, the Cingular customer care guy, who was kind enough to give me an additional 200 minutes a month on my existing plan. He has saved my gay Mormon butt! Thanks Robert.

By the way, I haven’t been too impressed with Cingular overall, so if any of you love your carrier, let me know.

Goodnight.

P.S. I've been into porn quite a bit lately. I don't like it, but I do.

Riled Feathers

2005-07-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

First off … I just want to explain that, no, I wasn’t suggesting I am sad about not being a bishop by age 25 like my father. I just thought it was ironic that a reader said, “I was very intrigued by your last post and your family reunion. The thing that stuck the most was how your entire family revolves around what each of you have accomplished regarding church callings, etc. Obviously a 30-year-old Bishop would have been one of the signs of real success.”

Isn't that funny? I shared it to give more background on my family’s culture. Really, I don’t ever want to be a bishop. I think it would be one of the most difficult experiences, and I don’t like all the hoopla associated with big church callings.

The Church is very important to my family. They don’t seek callings, and they are some of the most down-to-earth people I know, but they really believe in the Church. And I think it’s a good thing. I think more people should exhibit pride in the organizations of which they are members.

Regarding the whole dad-son theory on homosexuality, I was really just speaking from personal experience. The research that I have seen has been mixed. I’ve heard it from both sides – the Evergreen folks and the gay community – and none of it is conclusive. Nonetheless, I just know that I personally have a poor relationship with my father. I also have a hard time building close relationships with men. I have many guy friends, but none of them are my really close buddies. Just good friends (which I’m happy about). I’ve noted in past blogs that once I get to know a guy, I’m usually no longer attracted to him. Perhaps that’s because I accept that he’s heterosexual and that I don’t have a chance with him – I don’t know.

I just thought I would see what you all had to say about it. Apparently everyone who reads this blog believes that homosexuality is strictly a genetic issue. I’ll be honest: I’m still skeptical. I have very distinct heterosexual memories that make me think otherwise. I’m not saying it’s not genetic for others, but I don’t know if my homosexuality is genetic-based. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I believe it’s a combination of both genetic and environmental factors. I think both play an important role in determining sexual orientation.

It’s good to know that many gay men have great relationships with their fathers.

By the way, I had never heard from the Church nor from BYU that homosexuality is caused by poor male-male relationships. I wouldn’t be surprised if they espoused those views, but I learned about it from Evergreen and like organizations.

C.D., that’s interesting that so many people have poor relationships with their fathers. You may be right that homosexuality has nothing to do with that.

Randy suggested that one can have homoerotic dreams, but not be gay. So does such a person not feel any attraction toward men during the day? Is that person only a gay sleeper? I don’t understand. Feel free to clarify if you want. I, personally, have had very few homoerotic dreams. Does that mean I’m a homosexual by day but a heterosexual by night? ;) Sorry. I’m just being a smart ass.

One reader said, “It sounds as if you are trying desperately to find a cause for your homosexuality.” He’s right. I think knowing the root cause of my sexuality might help me to resolve many issues. He’s also probably right that I’ll never truly know the cause. He raised some excellent questions about lesbians. Like I’ve said, I am totally ignorant about lesbianism, so if anyone wants to feel me in on it, please do.

BYU certainly has the ammo necessary to kick me out. I suppose I should be more careful, but, honestly, if they kicked out all the BYU students who look at porn, they’d lose a fifth of their student body.

I always knew that my parents would be very embarrassed if I came out; however, I had never really thought about it much until I read Scott’s comment. I absolutely agree. I think my father is very concerned about how my sexuality will reflect on him. In fact, I’ve begun wondering lately why my father has been supporting me so generously. He literally has given me several thousands of dollars over the past year. I wonder if he isn’t trying to pay me off to stay in the closet. :) That’s kind of funny. I’m probably over analyzing it. He’s probably just a loving parent who wants to help out his poor college student.

I found Andy’s comments to be very sincere and insightful. Thanks for the great thoughts. I’m still processing many of them.

Yes, the prophet and general authorities are human and fallible. However, that doesn’t mean they aren’t inspired men. The Church does have some black marks in history, but that doesn't mean its not true. To understand the Church’s history, one must consider context. The Church doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and to a certain degree it does evolve over time. I could easily argue that God would have it that way. Anyhow, this is really too big of a topic for me to discuss right now. Plus, I doubt either of us is going to convince the other of anything. :)

No, I don’t plan to stay in Utah. I would like to leave after I graduate. Anyone know of a public relations, marketing, or sales job I could have? Ha!

I love Utah, but I like the adventure of living somewhere new.

Is my sexuality reason enough to abandon my family, move to New York and surround myself with homosexual friends? I really do love my family, even though they are homophobic.

So, the United Church and Spain recognize homosexuality. Interesting. (I really don’t know what my response to those article was supposed to be. Is the one who posted those articles suggesting I move to Spain? Join the United Church? What's the implication? Just kidding. I’m just being a smart ass again. I’m in one of those moods.)

Response to One Comment

2005-06-30T01:11:00.000-07:00

My father was 25-years old when he was made bishop of his ward. I'm 24.

One Quick Question

2005-06-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

I realize I just wrote a novel of a blog last night, but I have a question for any gay man who happens to read this.

Do you believe that one’s homosexual desires may be connected to his poor relationships with men (especially fathers)?

In talking to many homosexual men, it seems as though many of us have dysfunctional relationships with our fathers and other men. Hence, we feel a longing to be loved by men. Please comment and let me know what you think.

Etcetera

2005-06-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

Before I get back to some of the comments, I want to test a theory I’ve come up with over the past few years. I am bringing this theory before you because I want to know if I am just biased and unobservant, or if I am completely right. I suspect the latter. ;)

Over the past two to three years (maybe five to seven years), it seems like homosexuality has taken over the nation. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but, honestly, I feel that everyone is talking about homosexuality these days – and not just in political contexts. Nowadays, we joke about it, laugh about it, and simply think about it a lot more. While I was at home over the weekend, I was amazed at how often the topic emerged.

Example 1: We had a family reunion over the weekend, and at it we all had to get up and tell what we’re doing, where we’re working, and what calling we hold in the Church (no, I’m not kidding about the last one). Of the 27 grandchildren, only two of us are unmarried – my 27-year-old cousin and I. As most you probably know, Mormons are expected to marry and bear children early, so my cousin and I are somewhat “black sheep” in the family. We joke about it a lot. Before going to the reunion, my brother joked that I should announce to the family that I am gay – over the microphone. When he cracked the joke, I laughed, but inside I was thinking, “if you only knew.” I wish I had captured my facial expressions on camera, because I’m sure they were classic. Oh the irony of my brother’s comment.

Example 2: Then, while at the reunion, my unmarried cousin joked that he was going to announce his homosexuality and then “out” me in the process. Again, I laughed, but wondered how revealing my facial expressions must have been.

Other examples include watching three shows with homosexual themes over the weekend, my buddy joking about hitting on me, and my other buddy telling me I must be gay because I haven’t kissed a girl in more than five years. I have more examples, but I don’t have time to describe them all. My point is that I’ve noticed an increase in dialogue, jokes, movies, etc about the topic. Is this just me being very sensitive to the issue because I am gay myself?

Returning to a few comments … I agree with you all about my need for therapy. I think it would be wise for me to find a therapist who can help me work through these issues. I’ll see what I can do. I've tried it before, so I may as well give it another go.

Patmos, I agree that God gives us trials so we can help others.

Some anonymous reader said, “When your Dad sees that your computer was logged onto gay porn sites, you lie and tell him it was your roommate. You mislead him. He probably know you're lieing [sic] ... Parents often can tell when their kids are lieing [sic] .... It's better to be an honest gay son than a dishonest one. Own up to it, or tell him it's none of his business, or quit the Covenant Eyes service. But belonging to Covenant Eyes and then lieing [sic] when your Dad gets the reports is pointless. It hurts your character.”

I had to laugh at this comment. I have no idea why this reader felt the need to attack my character, but I hope he feels better. Honestly though, I have never lied to my father about the Web sites I have visited. Why would I? I tell him frankly when I have visited gay sites. Hell, I wouldn’t be paying for a service to send detailed browsing reports to him if I planned on lying to him. I could easily cancel the subscription and keep everything from him, but I choose not to. He knows very well that I look at gay porn. Of course, he doesn’t approve, but he is well aware of what I struggle with.

I know it’s laughable and ironic that I had a gay roommate who was visiting gay personal sites on my computer, but it’s true. I really have no motive to lie about it. This Web site provides sufficient anonymity, and I have been candid about so many other things that it would seem silly to concoct some lie about a former roommate.

Now, in all fairness, the reader did have a valid point with the following comment: “When friends ask who you're attracted to, and you answer without specifying a gender, you are trying to mislead them about who you are. You are ashamed, and don't want them to know. So you're not honest with them. You are more honest with the c1500 strangers who read this blog than the people in your real life.”

I’ve been trying for years to figure out what level of self-disclosure would be fair to me and others. I haven’t figured that out, so your comment may be right. My question is when does a gay man disclose his sexuality in verbal form?

Also, passion in the bedroom would be a definite concern were I to live as a heterosexual. (This comment may seem random, but a reader mentioned that making love “with enthusiasm” would be difficult with a woman. He’s right.)

Scott, you’re right: it’s very self-centered to think only gay Mormons struggle with balancing their sexuality and religion. I know many good men of other faiths who have very similar difficulties.

I really do want to resolve this as soon as I can, Scott. I just can’t make any rash decisions right now.

An anonymous reader laid it out pretty simply when he/she said: “I don't believe you can be both actively gay and actively Mormon (or any type of Christian for that matter). I love my gay friends. But I don't pretend for a minute that lifestyle is favorable to God - no more than being unchaste and straight is. There are plenty of scriptures that condemn both.”

Tell me how you really feel. Just joking, I really like no-nonsense people, so thanks for stating it bluntly.

A few readers commented on the abovementioned remarks. My only rebuttal to their comments would be that God – not man – is the one to reveal new doctrines, such as abandoning the Law of Moses. Though a clergyperson may alter or adjust biblical doctrine, it doesn’t mean it’s God’s will. If that were true, then God would have a lot of conflicting wills and desires. That's why Mormons feel strongly that God has only one true church. That’s really another topic for another time.

I have to admit I laugh quite a bit at comments like, “You know what, deep down, you really want.” Of course I know what I want deep down. This whole blog is dedicated to my “deep down” conflicting desires: that of being gay and that of being a Mormon in good standing.

“Do you want a whole life of loneliness and isolation?”

Yes, please.

“YOU ARE GAY!!”

True.

A reader asked if I worry about my bishop or BYU's Honor Code Office finding out about me. No, because my bishop already knows, and the Honor Code office would only take action if I were a practicing homosexual. I don’t think masturbation counts as “practicing homosexual.” :) The same reader also shared his secret of being a non-believer attending BYU. To that reader: I bet you also feel very unique (and perhaps somewhat alone) at BYU. Thanks for sympathizing with me. If you ever read this again, let me know what your marriage plans are. No, I’m not interested in hooking up. :) Just wondering if you plan to marry a Mormon girl.

Nope, I’ve never considered transferring schools.

The two authors of “Breaking the Cycle of Compulsive Behavior” are divorced and out of the closet? Really?!! Hmmm.

A reader said: “You ask if it would be okay for you to marry a heterosexual woman. My wife was engaged to a gay BYU student prior to marrying me. Her experience with that was incredibly painful. She ended up in psychological therapy for quite a while after the experience, and some aspects of the trauma lasted for years.”

Don’t bother sugarcoating that one. ;) Ha! I really do appreciate his directness. That’s terrible that his wife went through such trauma. I’m curious to know what that reader would have me do. If he is a practicing heterosexual Mormon, would he have me live as a gay man? Or would he rather I just live a celibate lifestyle? He has a unique perspective considering his wife’s background. I’d love to hear from him again. Too bad he’s probably lost in cyberspace somewhere.

I love Randy, the rank apostate. Thanks for the comments.

It was great hearing from Elle, the lesbian Mormon. I’ve never met a lesbian Mormon. In fact, though I feel very acquainted with the gay community, I know nearly nothing about lesbianism. I can imagine that it’s a very similar struggle. If you ever read this again, Elle, let me know what you and your girlfriend are up to. :)

Yes, I’ve read the Newsnet story on gay Mormons. Nonetheless, I’ve explained that I just don’t feel like I was born this way. Sorry. Of course, I can’t speak for others. There may very well be a genetic explanation for homosexuality.

Last comment: A reader said he, too, struggles with porn, and that he should straighten up before telling his fiancé about his problem. I would recommend telling her as soon as possible. Enlisting others in my fight against porn has been one of the most effective methods of overcoming porn. Best of luck to you.

Passing Time

2005-06-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

Wow! Of all weeks, I had to return to Utah over the past week. As a result, I have been without computer access for more than a week. I nearly crapped my pants when I found more than 30 new comments from the blog. This is a good problem to have. :) Let’s be honest: I probably won’t get to all of them, but I’ll do my best.

One reader emailed me directly and noted that the discussion has turned fairly one-sided on the blog. I really have no problem with that, but my natural inclination is to play devil’s advocate. :) Whether represented or not, there are two very valid perspectives to this debate – live as a homosexual or live as a heterosexual. I really do see pros and cons to both. (I’m sure many of you are rolling your eyes at me right now – stop it!)

First of all, I must concur with you all: it’s great to have this dialogue. It’s evidence of people’s desire for me to be happy and to be at peace with myself. Thanks for your input, concern and comments. I really do appreciate them all.

Scott asked if the dialogue from this blog is really helping me resolve my issues? I’d have to say “yes” and “no.” For me, the blog provides a place to vent, a place to discuss and a place to question. The dialogue has brought many valid points to light – points I would have never considered otherwise. Nonetheless, this is a personal problem, and though people have made many wonderful comments, I will have to be the ultimate decision maker.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel ready to make any bold decisions at this point. Scott mentioned that people will eventually become bored of my blog and stop reading. He’s absolutely right. I doubt this blog will capture many people’s attention beyond a few days or weeks. That’s okay. I never intended for this to provide a quick solution to my problems, so I will just have to accept that most people will get bored of me and my situation and will move on. (What? Other people have lives and problems too? If only the world really did revolve around me – like it does in my mind.)

I guess my problem is I hate making decisions, so when I can, I proceed slowly and methodically. Eventually, I will make a decision. Maybe not this month, year, or (God forbid) decade, but some time. This will have to be done on my timetable. And, of course, some will be happy with my progress, and some will be very disappointed. Unfortunately, I won’t (can’t) please everyone. That’s why I’m in it for myself. I will decide which path is best for me.

Funny how my blog has changed over time. When I first began, it was a blog to describe how I am dealing with “the path I’ve chosen.” It has turned to a “What path should I choose” blog. In retrospect, I think that’s what I wanted it to be. Why would I have started a blog if I had no questions or concerns about the “path I’ve chosen.”

Unfortunately, I will have to continue this another time. I’ve got a meeting in twenty minutes.