Sunday, December 05, 2004

Happy Days

Today was such a wonderful day! For a moment today, I just stopped what I was doing and enjoyed the happy sensations that were overwhelming my body. While I was enjoying my happy state, I started to feel bad for feeling so good. After all, I am a terrible person, I thought. I don’t deserve to be this happy. I have such a history with awful things like porn and homosexual tendencies! How can I be happy considering my past? I then realized that everyone deserves those feelings of peace and happiness. Regardless of my history, everyone should feel good about life every once in a while. In fact, we should feel that way more than once in a while.

Nonetheless, I suppressed all my negative thoughts and basked in the moment. Today was truly marvelous!

I felt so good because of a combination of things: first, Michelle baked me cookies! She is the most wonderful girl ever. She’s the first girl I’ve fallen head over heels for. I can’t even believe how amazing she is. I really want to date her, but I’m scared. My main fear is rejection. Plus, I don’t want to waste her time. Once she finds out about my sexuality, she will likely reject me and then regret having gotten to know me. I so badly want to date her, but she deserves better. She deserves someone who honors his priesthood, is morally clean and is a heterosexual. I really dread the day when I’ll have to tell her about my sexuality. I don’t even know at what point I should do that. I already know that I will disclose EVERYTHING about my past with my future wife before we are engaged. I don’t want her to get engaged to somebody she doesn’t know. I think it’s her right to know about my past and who I am. Then she can make a righteous judgment about our future. I’m thinking four months into the relationship should give enough time. If I ever get into a relationship, I’m going to set a goal to disclose everything at or around the fourth month. I really wish this wasn’t my struggle sometimes. I’m glad for everything I’ve learned from it, but it really sucks at other times. That’s life. My sexuality is a big part of me, and I can’t do anything about it..

Speaking of sexuality… today was incredible because I had very little – if any – homosexual desires. How does that work? How can I want men so badly one week, and then be totally turned off by them the next? I really don’t understand myself. Well, I have theories. I personally believe that since I have been making progress over the past week, the spirit has been with me and I haven’t had desires to do bad things. If only I felt like this 24/7. I believe I will be able to be strong at some point, but I’ve just got to be patient.

I also finished that marvelous book. I’ve had it for nearly a year, and I just started reading it last week and finished it this week. What a life-changing book. I hope I can apply those principles. I’ve come to realize that my sexuality is rooted in my loneliness. Most of the time, my homosexual desires don’t extend beyond just cuddling with men. I want to be close to them. I want to feel loved by them. Because I get lonely, I reach out through the Internet for solace. Now that I can see the root causes, I can see what I need to do to overcome them.
Today I also met the most amazing people! I met a bunch of Michelle’s friends and I love them. They are wonderful people. I hope to become good friends with them. Today was GREAT! I couldn’t have asked for a better day. I really want to feel like this for the rest of my life. May that happen. May I find the strength to resist temptation always! I am such a happy person when I am not meddling in porn or masturbation. I feel like I can conquer the world. That’s how I feel now. I love Michelle. I don’t deserve her.


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