Friday, December 24, 2004

Keeping the Hope Alive

I just finished watching the Butterfly Effect, which is a very interesting but creepy movie. Because of the movie, I am feeling a bit weird right now. A little dark, if you know what I mean. It seems like those types of movies leave me in a hopeless state – like the one I’m in now.

With that preface, let me explain how I’m feeling right now. (Need I explain?) I feel like I am just resisting the inevitable. It doesn’t matter what I do – go to Evergreen, make guy friends, get married, have kids, resist homosexuality – I feel that at some point in my life I am going to throw in the towel, give it all up, and become openly gay. Where that path will take me, I don’t know. I don’t even like to imagine. I really don’t think I’ll be happy on that road. In fact, I’m sure that road will be much like the path taken by many other gay Mormons.

I’ve been reading about some of the experiences gay Mormons have gone through. They all seem to end the same: they come out of the closet, live the gay life, accept who they “are,” turn against the Church, and say they are so much happier. HOW? WHAT? WHY?

I know there are other gay Mormons who haven’t had that experience, but their stories aren’t nearly as prevalent on the Internet – go figure. In any case, if – and I repeat “IF” – that is my destiny and if that is what I am going to become, then I may as well try to minimize the damage. I shouldn’t try to date girls. I shouldn’t try to resist it. I should give in now and avoid the pain; i.e., this painful journey of futile resistance.

However, I can’t say that I know what the pain is like on the other side. I suppose the “other side” refers to the homosexual lifestyle. I’m sure it’s just as painful, if not more so.

I was folding my laundry thinking about the happy Sunday I had several weeks ago. If you remember, I felt bad because I felt good. I realized at that moment that I don’t understand God. Because of my guilt, I didn’t feel right about feeling happy when I have committed so many grievous sins. Yet, I know God would want me to be happy. I certainly have screwed up, and I have certainly fallen short of what I should or could be, but God doesn’t hate me for it. He loves me and wants me to be happy.

I know that because of the indescribable happiness that I’ve felt because of Him. I cannot deny Him or His many blessings! I’ve been given so much. I think homosexuals like myself often get too wrapped up in themselves. That’s their biggest downfall – not that they give into temptation, but that they become selfish and can’t see outside themselves. Perhaps that statement only describes myself.

God in heaven, help me to never become so self-centered that I lose perspective! Help me to be humble. Help me to do Thy will, not the world’s or anyone else’s.

I love God. I love what He has given me and what He has helped me accomplish in this life. With His loving help, I can do anything. May I never forget that. Also, may I always remember that most of life’s happiness comes from being selfless – not selfish.

I can’t help mentioning how I feel now. I feel happy and hopeful. I don’t feel dark anymore. It’s amazing what writing things down can do for you.

“Hope is a great thing, possibly the best of things.”


Anonymous Foxx said...

I just found your blog.

Let me introduce myself. I am also a gay Mormon, like yourself. I was a BYU student, too. I first realized I was gay in October of 2004 when I was busy trying to find out what attraction was all about and how I could possibly marry without feeling like I wanted to. I came out one year ago.

My parents were not happy. In fact, since I came out to my friends on a message board, and my sister, I found out later, was trying to find out what was going on in my life since my life seemed like it was such a closed book to them. She told my parents and outed me, and we had a chat. They have been very caring and loving, even though they thought that coming out as gay meant that I was going to live the lifestyle. Which I had no intentions of doing.

I struggle daily as well with the choice between Mormondom and homosexuality. In your blog I find many words and ideas that have come from my own head. I like you. I even wonder if I know you from BYU.

In this entry, you said one thing that has really been my support - that God wants you to be happy. Which I fully believe. He does. It's one of life's purposes, according to 2 Nephi. "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy."

This time in my life is where I'm weaker than I've ever been in this struggle. What keeps me afloat is the journey to find out what it is that truly brings me joy.

Hey, I don't even know if you'll read this, as it's a comment on an entry over a year old, but I hope I've found a friend and a companion in this struggle.


5:00 PM  

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