Tuesday, January 11, 2005

To My Wonderful Sympathizers

I got a few comments on that last post, and I just want to take time to thank all the wonderful, tolerant sympathizers out there! I love it when people leave me comments telling me how they feel about my situation. Thank you all for your wonderful comments! They really do put a smile on my face. I would reply to all of your comments, but some of you are anonymous.

You know, I am especially touched by your comments because I feel somewhat like a red-headed step child in my current situation. Here's why: I am not an openly homosexual man and am, in fact, trying to live a heterosexual lifestyle, so I don't feel very accepted by the homosexual community; on the other hand, I do have homosexual desires, which makes me an "unworthy" or "illegitimate" Mormon in many ways, so I don't think I can find total acceptance among Mormons. As a result of these conflicting feelings/actions, I don't feel entirely accepted by any group. Your emails give me hope. Thanks again!

Anyhow, here’s the most recent dispute between my dad and me via email. I really don’t think we’re going to make much progress until he agrees to try to understand me better. He really doesn’t understand my situation or what I am going through; plus, I’m prideful and don’t like to accept certain pieces of his advice. Hence, our dialogue is always strained when it involves my sexuality.

Here is a copy of his email to me and of my reply to that email. Just so you know, he hasn’t responded since I last wrote him. Maybe I’m a lost cause in his mind.

Dear Son,

I have great love for you and desire that you be a part of our family forever. You are an esteemed son, brother & uncle for whom all members of our family have respect. Your mother continues to try to 'mother' you--as her youngest child--at every opportunity. She wants you to be her little boy forever.

Of all my children, you are the one for whom people seek out to visit with and say hello when you are in the area. You have a place of honor among men here and elsewhere.

You have the potential to do a great work in the Lord's kingdom. You also, in your current thinking, have the potential to hurt many people--including yourself--by continuing some self-destructive behaviors.

President Spencer W. Kimball has written:
"Satan tells his victims that it is a natural way of life; that it is normal; that gays are a different kind of people born 'that way' and that they cannot change. This is a base lie. All normal people have sex urges and if they control such urges, they grow strong and masterful. If they yield to their carnal desires and urges, they get weaker until their sins get beyond control."

"One young man sought to pit his reasoning against the things I told him, saying, "That is your opinion and this is mine." This caused me to say, "My dear boy, if it were my opinion against yours, I would have nothing more to say. As an individual my mind might be dull compared to yours; my thoughts might be elementary compared with your erudite ones, but you have forgotten a basic truth. I am not expressing my thoughts only. When I say this is sin, I am quoting the Creator of the world. Truth is truth and needs no eloquent tongue nor brilliant brain to portray it. You are using the logic of one mind, however keen it might be; I am expressing the truths of God as interpreted by six thousand years of the Lord's prophets in addition to the Lord, himself, the Christ, the Savior, the Creator, the Redeemer. Why do you continue to 'kick against the pricks?" Spencer Kimball

I know you are not into this, but you were using the words of the homosexual philosophy in our conversation last Sunday. Please don't listen to their deception, their lies. Please do not email or listen to those who promote the gay lifestyle; help yourself overcome SSA by getting out of the homosexual pornography.

"So long as you tolerate this 'gay world' and its degenerate people, you are in a very desperate situation and you are playing with fire just like a child who might be pounding a bomb with a hammer."
"False counselors have no love for you but want only what you might be able to do for them. If such persons have convinced you that this way of living is not degenerate, then they are likely degenerate themselves and are in reality your worst enemies." Spencer Kimball

James said: "Let no man say when he is tempted, I am temped of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed."
"Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death (spiritual death)" James 1:13-15

Son, you mentioned that you 'couldn't see how the Atonement of Christ could help you'. I admit that I don't understand the mechanics of how it can heal and cleanse us. But I do know, from a power beyond my understanding, that He can and will heal you--and me, and every other person who has sinned.

I urge you, son, to cleanse yourself and get in a position to receive answers to prayers and to receive the Power of Jesus Atonement. We all have to do this throughout our lives.

Get out of the pornography; increase your prayer time pleading for help; make yourself temple worthy. You have cast aside a powerful help and assistance--temple worship--by not attending in many years--since before your mission.

Avail yourself of this spiritual power in houses of the Lord. Don't set aside your faith and your beliefs.

"Remember also, if you repent, the
". . .burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off they neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed. . ." 2 Nephi 20:27

". . .The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16
Listen to the prophets, to your parents, to the Lord, to those who love you the most. President Joseph Fielding Smith often quoted:
"Sow a thought, reap an act,
Sow an act, reap a habit,
Sow a habit, reap a character,
Sow a character, reap an eternal destiny."

". . . These (arrayed in white robes) are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb."
"Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them." Rev 7:14-15

This latter quote from John the Beloved is where we strived to be. Let's work together to be there.

Love,

Your Father



Here’s my reply:

Dad,

To begin, I want you to know that I appreciate mother's mothering nature. Please let her treat me how she wants. If I ever feel she is "mothering" me too much, I'll be the one to tell her. It's not your place to tell her how to treat me.

Regarding the rest of your email, I do appreciate your concern and love for me. I know you mean well, but I must be honest: your counsel isn't helpful. I've heard these things a million times over. I know the LDS church's stance on homosexuality. In fact, I agree with nearly everything you wrote.

I suppose my problem with your intervention is twofold. First, this is my problem, not yours. As much as I'd like for you to solve my problems, you can't. Pointing out all my sins, and then providing Sunday-school solutions to fix them isn't helpful. I simply don't believe you understand my condition. I don't think you ever could. You think I am a homosexual because of decisions I've made in my life. It's simply not true. I chose this trial just as much as a diabetic chose to stop producing insulin. However, do I think I was born this way? No. Anyhow, that's another discussion for another day.

Second, I guess I would like to think you trust me and believe I will make the right decisions. I really don't need you treating me like -- or making me feel like -- I'm living a promiscuous life among gay men. I'm not. I am trying to do what's right. I am trying to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Do I fail regularly? Yes. Am I proud of that? No. I'm still working things out. Stop making comments like, "in your current thinking," as if I have decided to live the gay lifestyle. Comments like those do more harm than good.

Like I said, I understand you only want to help; however, when you try to help you make me feel terrible and I immediately turn defensive. Maybe it's my pride; maybe it's your ignorance. Either way, our conversations/communications hurt me -- they don't help me. That's why I think you should stay out of this.

Here's what you can do for me: pray that I will figure this out and do the Lord's will; stop telling me stories about men with porn problems who could never overcome it; and try to be more sympathetic toward homosexuals.

Thanks.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have read your blog, and I have a few words of advice for you. I was once obsessed with heterosexual pornography, but I m now completely over it. All through out high school I had that terrible addiction, and I went through, what seemed like, an almost identical struggle to quit as you did. Like you said, it was off and on. Maybe I would go a week, two weeks, or a month while I was in control of myself, but I always went back to my old carnal ways. I wanted to quit very badly. I had aspirations to be worthy, to go to the temple, to go on a mission, and to live a clean LDS life. Finally, after I graduated from high school, I decided to read the Book of Mormon in a week. I was unsuccessful in completing it in a week, but I read it for 4 to 5 hours a day. This was one of the most spiritual times of my life. At the end of the week, the Bishops secretary by “coincidence” called me for a random priesthood checkup interview. This was a miracle. I knew beforehand that I would discuss my problem with him (I hadn’t before). I did, and I have been happy without pornography ever sense. I could never have kicked this habit by myself, and I know the Lord was there for me to help me get out of that terrible habit.
I had a heterosexual problem. I can not imagine how much more difficult your situation is. I mean, figuratively speaking, if the world flipped up side down, and heterosexual desires were seen as bad, I think the only thing in the universe that would stop me from being heterosexual would be the light and truth of Christ (and even then it would be incredibly hard). I have an incredible respect for your decision to keep your faith. The Lord knows you. He knows your strengths and your weaknesses. He loves you, and he wants you to be happy. And he knows that though his light, his gospel, and his church, you will be happier. You know this. Stick with it.
Now, the thing you have to stop the most, in order to follow the Savior, is the pornography. I know this is a typical church answer to you, but it is true. When I was addicted to porn, I had a warped perception about woman. I did not understand that they were sacred. All I new was that they gave me instant gratification. I didn’t want to meet girls to be friends, and to have fun. I met girls for alternative motives. Pornography perverted and warped my mind and it is warping your mind. Without it you can control your emotions. And once you get control of your emotions, I think you will be able to control of your heterosexual urges and thoughts. Masturbation will become easier and easy to say no to. But you must always stay strong and focused on what is right. You can do this by reading the scriptures, praying, singing hymns (yeah, I know you’ve heard this before). Through away your computer to remove the temptation. The short distance to the library is insignificant in comparison to sinning because of the convenience to a computer.
I feel that overcoming my trial of Pornography has given me an unprecedented gift. I see woman in a whole new light. I see them as sacred. Their minds are beautiful. I feel that without this trial, I would not have respected and loved woman this much. I’m not saying I’m am glad I looked at porn during high school, but I do know overcoming it made me stronger. I can tell you that when you overcome this trial, the Lord will award you beyond your understanding. I can tell that you are a good person. If you fail this trail, you will still be a good person, but you will not live up to your full potential. The Lord was with me, and he is with you.

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even if you give up all pornography, you will still feel desire for men. These are 2 seperate issues. Is someone still a heterosexual, even when he isn't aroused or making love with a woman? Yes. You will be gay always. Not because of sin or a decision you made, but because you are gay. You can overcome pornography, but you can't shake being gay. You were born gay. You choose your religion.

3:10 PM  
Blogger ozyel said...

Please stop acting like you guys posting know everything, in the first place you have to recognize that our limited mind wont help us achieve an eternal perspective of life and purpose, second, stop trying to help this guy because he doesnt even have the courage to speak to his Judge in Zion Only!, third, this is something personal, between God and You, not even the 12 apostles and angels and the devil together will help you, only you, you have the potential, the knowledge, the tools in the Holy Priesthood, do it yourself and close this blog right now, please! not even my words are helpful so please understand that no one but you have the power to do it, you want help from the world? you will get it, you want True help? you know who is the only one that can make impossible things happen, no its not Bill Gates!!
Im a person with pride , i dont deserve to have this gospel but God loves us so much that even in our darkest hours he will give us the Light we need.
1 Nephi 15:33
2 Nephi 1:26 some of us “murmur” and this keeps us from doing the Lord’s work happily, because of our pride. Nobody has the power to make you feel anything, you choose it!
The Lord speaks with sharpness.
The Truth is emotionless, if we don’t accept it its because we are angry by blaming ourselves.
2Nephi 2:5 men are instructed sufficiently to know Good from evil by the spirit of Christ.
Every human being really deep down knows the difference between Good and Evil.
To answer the ends of the Law the savior’s sacrifice brings reconciliation between good and evil.
Righteousness cannot be brought to pass without an opposition.
Sentient beings have to choose, you can even choose not to choose and right there you are still choosing.
Hope you heal soon, we need a Great Doctor not just a good one.
All your writings have helped me more than you think, but please stop saying that your father cant help you, i hope i realy hope that one day you are a father so that you can UNDERSTAND what we as parents feel when our son is not listening, We are Lambs, yes we are, those animals are the stupidest animals you could see in this planet, and we will always be like those sheep without the help of the Good Shepherd, do you now understand why the analogy of the Lamb and shepherd are written on the Holy Scriptures? think about it!

Just another Sheep who really is hoping to become your eternal brother.
Oziel

11:16 PM  

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