Thursday, January 20, 2005

Attraction Phenomena

So, I’ve decided to take a vacation from my problems. Yep, it’s official. I’m on vacation. :) I have to laugh because the movie “What About Bob,” which I love, gave me the idea to go on vacation from my problems. While I was watching the movie, I just thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to do that?” Unfortunately, not many people have that luxury. People who deal with sickness, family problems, relationship problems, etc. cannot just go on vacation. Their problems are always there. However, I feel like my situation might allow for such vacation time. Time where I can just refuse to think about my problems and refuse to feel bad for my problems.

I’ve actually been on vacation for the past week or so. For the past few days I have NOT made a conscious effort to stop looking at porn or masturbating. I’ve also forced myself to think about things other than my guilt. It’s been rather nice, but I have to admit that it’s impossible to go on vacation entirely. It’s kind of like a businessperson who must answer business calls while vacationing – same sort of thing. I say this because even when I am not thinking about the problem or solution, I carry a certain mood, attitude or feeling. I feel a bit darker, hopeless after I look at porn or masturbate. It’s just there. I can be walking across campus, thinking about schoolwork or something entirely unrelated to my problems, and I’ll still feel a bit down. Not depressed or suicidal, I simply feel a bit empty.

Nonetheless, a portion of the stress has dissipated because of the vacation. Ironically, I almost feel less inclined to look at porn now that I’m on vacation. Perhaps it’s because I’m not thinking about it as much. I think I’ve heard theories about porn being a bigger problem in Mormon culture because members can’t stop thinking about their “awful” sins. On the other hand, maybe I haven’t given my vacation enough time to tell if it is having a noticeable impact on me. It could just be coincidence that I’ve not looked at porn as frequently over the past week or so. I’ll keep you posted on any breaking realizations regarding this.

One thing I have noticed, however, is no matter what I do, I am constantly checking guys out. I can’t get away from it. I don’t know if this is how it is for heterosexuals or other gay folk, but whenever I see another guy, I immediately decide whether I think he is attractive and whether I think he is gay or not. Kind of weird, I know.

That brings another thing to mind. I’ve noticed I’m attracted mainly to guys whom I don’t know very well. For example, I’ve never been attracted to my roommates, even though I’ve had some very attractive ones. Sometimes I’ll be attracted to them in the beginning, but the more I get to know them, the less attracted I am to them. Weird, eh? Maybe it’s the element of mystery or fantasy that I like. I don’t know; I can’t figure it out. I’ve wondered whether straight guys experience this same phenomenon.

Hey, I just realized that it works for me with both sexes – sometimes. For example, for the past year and a half I have been very attracted to Michelle (to her personality, at least) and have wanted to pursue a relationship. However, the closer we got to having a relationship, the more “normal” she seemed, and the less interested I was in dating her. This phenomenon really paints a bleak picture for future relationships of mine. The more I get to know a person, the less interested I am! What kind of freaky phenomenon is that!? Can anyone relate?!

Anyhow, I’ve got to go. I’m going to a play right now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely understand. We experience the same things. It's so interesting to read about it from someone else! I too am not usually attracted to guys I know, and I had great looking roommates at BYU. Although, there were a few guys a knew that when I'd stand next to them just visiting, I'd start getting hard.... I'm involved in porn and masturbation also-- and often take one of your "vacations"... I'd be interested in emailing you about some of your experiences. Here's a question for you about the good-looking guys you've gotten to know then aren't as attracted to them: If you got to know them, and then they told you that they were attracted to you, then what would you think/do?

My email:

8:55 AM  

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