Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Reducing the Drive

I just thought I would share some more thoughts about what my experience with homosexuality has been like.

(These thoughts were spurred by a good e-mail friend and blog reader. )

Here's the thing about homosexuality, or at least my experience with it. At certain times my attraction toward men is GREATLY diminished. In fact, I can even feel attraction toward women some of the time.

I think one of the main reasons for my same-sex attraction is my inferiority complex. I feel inferior to men. Because my best friend through elementary school was a girl, because my father and I weren't close while I was growing up, because I wasn't interested in sports like my brothers I have never quite felt equal to men. You would probably never know this by just hanging around me. I really get along fine with most men, especially those to whom I am not attracted. However, if a guy is good looking, I do get a bit nervous to talk to him – usually not noticeably nervous though. In any case, I am constantly aware of my feelings of inferiority to good-looking men. It's rather funny, really.

Because of my inferiority complex, I have this HUGE unmet need: same-gender love and acceptance. I'm not talking about sexual love, but the good love that you find between brothers, good guy friends, and father and son. Because I feel inferior to men, I start to sexualize my desires to be with and feel loved by them. Most of the time I simply want to cuddle with other men. I don't want to have sex with them, just feel loved by them. I know that might sound odd considering I have a porn addiction, but that's honestly my greatest desire. Watching porn is just one way I try to get close to men. I guess sucking another man’s penis is the ultimate closeness – stupid, I know. (Plus, the sexual element is really addicting.) I simply want to get close to and feel accepted by men.

That's why I think I am RARELY attracted to my close guy friends. Once I know them and feel accepted by them, the attraction wears off. Once the mystery and longing to be close to that person is gone, I no longer am attracted to him. It's weird. That's why a lot of ex-gay groups like Evergreen Int'l and Exodus focus on helping gay men build positive relationships with heterosexual men. It really helps them reduce their desires for men.

That's also one of the reasons why I don't think I could ever be happy or feel satisfied as a practicing homosexual. I fear that once I get to know my partner well, I will no longer feel attracted to him and will want to end the physical aspect of the relationship. I don't know if that's what will happen, but that's what I think might happen. I really can't think of a close guy friend to whom I am attracted. I've often begun friendships having feelings for the guy, but the more I get to know him, the less attracted I am to him.

Anyhow, that's my little tid bit for the day.

Here's a Web site that a reader sent me. I agree with much of what is written on this site.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a gay man, I find that I am not attracted to heterosexual men. I may appreciate their physical beauty, but once I have established that a guy is straight, any spark I normally feel for a gay guy is gone.

And in all of this talk of attraction, where is the discussion about love? The article was printed by an ex-gay group with a specific agenda. While some of the insights presented might be true for the individuals quoted, it bears remembering that the ex-gay folks don't believe people of the same sex can truly be in love. And they are wrong.

Have you ever been in love?

2:17 PM  

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