Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Have I Ever Fallen in Love?

Have I ever been in love with another man? No. Perhaps if I were to have such an experience, I would make up my mind today to live the gay life. I honestly don’t believe love is something I’ll ever have between myself and another guy. Certainly I’ll feel strong feelings of attraction toward many men, but I doubt it will ever be love. I just don’t see how that could ever happen for me in my situation. My feelings for men are much too looks based, and it seems that all the good-looking men in the world are either straight or taken.

Anyhow, that’s my answer to a person who commented on my blog earlier. I wish I did believe in love. I feel like I’m in a bit of a catch-22 because I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with a man, and I don’t know if falling in love with a woman is possible for me either. It’s quite the conundrum.

As of late, a friend and I have been seeing each other quite often (she'’s a girl). Though I love being with her, and wouldn’t mind having a relationship with her, I keep talking myself out of getting into a relationship with her. Every time I move closer to a relationship, I remind myself of how much I really enjoy being single, and how I don’t want to hurt her. She’s really too wonderful to hurt. I also don’t want to get hurt myself.

I tried to explain to her that falling in love is like owning a Porsche. Right now I drive a decent car that gets me from point A to point B. I am happy with it; it serves me well. Of course, having the Porsche would be a lot nicer, faster and more fun, but I would have to sacrifice a LOT more in order to have it. Why put myself out on the line for such a car. Plus, I will be much more concerned about a Porsche than about my current car, meaning I will spend much more time with it – time that I don’t have, quite frankly. And, if I were to ever lose the Porsche, it would be very difficult for me to go back to an ordinary car. Why take that risk. I just don’t know if I need to know what life is like after owning a Porsche – a.k.a. falling in love. I’m content. I love my life as is. I love my friends. Why change things up?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found your blog tonight and I starting reading thru some of it. I am very impressed and inspired. I have been in your situation and in some ways still am. I used to think of myself as a gay man, but I don't anymmore. I still find that attraction to men, however, I have worked with a group called Evergreen and they were awesome. I went to 1 conference they had and kept in touch with a few friends I met there. Anyhow, I was at a point that something had to change, I was going to go one way or the other. Within a few weeks of me feeling this way, and worrying that I would never find love that could leave me feeling whole, I met the most wonderful woman in the world. We met and hit it off and were married in the temple several months later. Before we were married, I told her everything about my past, and she just held me and told me that she loved me and that was the past, and that now we can build our life together. I have been married almost 10 years now. I love my wife with all of my heart, and though I have bumps in the road here and there, I have found that I absolutely can do it and that I can be happy. I wish you all the luck in the world. I applaud your efforts with this blog. I hope many other people will find you. Hang in there and know that you will beat this!

12:14 AM  

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