Thursday, July 14, 2005

Another Michelle?

Well, I have been hanging out with a girl a lot lately. She’s really great. We have a lot of fun when we’re together. I think she is one of the funniest girls I know. However, I am beginning to worry, as I always do, that it’s not fair to date her because I’m gay. Now I’m stuck trying to decide what would be best for both her and me. So far, I’ve pursued the relationship as if it might go somewhere, but it’s only been a week, so it’s a little premature to judge. Nonetheless, I don’t know if this approach is fair to her. On the other hand, we just have fun together, so who cares. I’m leaving in a month and a half anyway.

I must admit that I hate some of my ulterior motives. Occasionally I think dating this girl would be nice just because it would ease many of my friends’ and family’s fears. Ha! That’s terrible. Honestly, that’s not why I hang out with this girl. She’s really a cool person – pretty too. Nonetheless, the thought is there, and it would be a nice perk to a relationship.

Also, I hate how I use my sexuality as an excuse (in my head) a lot of times. For example, I was kind of bugged about how she was acting tonight (she was acting less interested in me), and so I immediately thought, “Who cares? I like guys anyway.” Ha! I’m so pathetic. I’m sure there are tons of people out there – gay and straight – who find excuses to avoid getting hurt. It’s a natural human reaction, in my opinion. I’ve never opened up to anyone because I’m terrified of being rejected. I hate the thought. I’ve just got to remember that with any great opportunity comes great risk. Ahhh!

5 Comments:

Blogger Randy said...

Advice--just have fun and enjoy having a new friend. It doesn't sound as if the relationship has become romanticized or sexualized for either of you. Your sexuality doesn't define every one of your relationships, you know.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey do not use this girl! Just don't do it, it is not fair to her or you. I am currently getting out of a on and off again relationship with a homosexual Mormon male, I can not explain, and I don't think you could ever understand the emotional damange it has done to me. I have struggled with homosexuality myself, and him and I are the very best of friends, although he is in Utah and I in Texas. Are friendship is special, beautiful,and a gift but our romantic relationship has tormented both of us. If you don't know what you want you can't be with someone. You really need to committ yourself to forming a positive identity for yourself. I know and understand how hard it is, it is not fair the imense shit that Mormons go through when it comes to sexuality, but it is part of our religion. Hang in there, have friends, but don't sexualize this realtionship with a girl untill you really know that is were you are going in your life. It will only hurt both of you in the end.

8:46 PM  
Blogger texaschick said...

Hey I just created a blog, wanted to be my cyber buddie? I don't know how to hook us up, help me out?

8:57 PM  
Blogger Gay Mormon said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Robert said...

Trying to pretend you're straight when you're not doesn't work. Wanting your friends and family to think you are dating heterosexually when you are not heterosexual is self-destructive. You want your family and friends to think you're something you're not so they will like you more. It's self-destructive. There is an elemnent of self-hate in there. When you accept yourself and live or yourself, instead of trying to please everyone else you'll find more peace. If people like you only because you are giving them a false impression about yourself, that won't make you feel good. In the long run, havintg real relationships with people who know who you really are, what you really feel, and like the real you--that will wik better for everyone.

2:34 PM  

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