This Blog is Longggggg!

Here’s a fun side note to begin with …

I just googled the words “gay mormon,” and I was pleasantly surprised to find my blog listed as the No. 7 return! That is so great – but a little bit scary for me. I’m thrilled that my little area for openly discussing my struggles has become a top google return. However, I am a little nervous because now more people will be able to identify me and I may feel more inhibited in my writing. At this point, I’m not too worried. I’ll start getting nervous when Friend X writes me and says, “I was reading this blog, and I think it might be yours.” Actually, that would be pretty funny, so I’ll keep on being candid in my writing.

There is one other problem with being the No. 7 return: it’s only No. 7! Is that the best we can do? I think we can do better. I say we shoot for the stars – we’re going for the No. 1 spot! From this blog on, I am going to use the words “gay Mormon” in every sentence of each paragraph! We’ll be the number one return in no time! Just kidding. :). I’m satisfied with the hundred-some-odd visitors I get each week. No reason to make this a million-hit-a-day site (even though it would be fun – ha!).

Back to business ...

The following comments come from a blog reader who emailed me directly. I really liked what he had to say, so I’m posting his thoughts here. I’ll speak to some of his comments after you read them. I’ve edited any personal or identifiable information from the comments. Nonetheless, the changes didn’t alter the meaning. Here’s what he said:

1) After you come out, you will find that other things that now seem like big problems will resolve themselves naturally. That is once you are involved in a relationship with an actual guy (which I think will happen eventually). The interest in porn will diminish somewhat with no effort on your part; getting what you really need (emotionally, sexually) will reduce the need/interest of the porn (which is a fantasy substitute for what you really want).

2) You can't fall completely in love with someone you're not sexually attracted to. It's naive to think that you could love a woman completely if women don't turn you on as much as guys. Love isn't just willpower, or good intentions, or being a good friend. Get experience with both sexes.

3) It is just more fun to share important events with someone whom you find really great looking, and are really attracted to. I'm going to [a place] this Sunday with a guy whom – to me – is about the best-looking guy around (besides being a great guy). It will make the event ten times more fun than if I went with someone I liked, but did not feel the same way about. I mean, just looking at him is a joy. Just going with him today was fun. Before I figured out I was gay, I'd take women I liked and
respected on dates, but it wasn't the same thing. When you went to "Wicked," you had eyes for the conductor. When I go out with this guy, I have eyes for him. (Not ONLY him – I notice other guys, that's natural. But I feel I'm with someone special.)

I think the author may be right about his first comment. I can see how getting into a relationship with a guy would diminish the porn and masturbation desires. I’m sure other things would be resolved as well.

Regarding point No. 2, I don’t know what to say. I agree that physical attraction is a very necessary part for a relationship to work; however, I don’t know if I believe that deep physical attraction is absolutely necessary. Not to seem rude, but I know a lot of guys and gals who are very unattractive after 5, 10, 15, 25 years of marriage, but I don’t see them getting divorced. I’d like to think these people remain wed because of their undying love to one another. Perhaps they just feel obligated to stick it out. Maybe a combination of the two. I don’t know.

Also, I am often physically attracted to women; it’s just not as strong as the physical attraction I have toward men. Like I said, I’m not repulsed by the thought of having sex with a woman. I think I’ve mentioned this in a blog before, but I see sexuality as a continuum. Some people are on the completely “heterosexual” side. Others are on the completely “homosexual” side. Then there are tons of people in between. On a scale of one to ten (one being heterosexual and ten being homosexual), I’d rate myself as a seven. In other words, I’m very much attracted to men, but I can still be attracted to women.

I really wish I could “experiment” with both sexes. I just don’t think it’s right for me to do that.

I also agree that being with someone you’re attracted to can be very fun.

Good comments. Thanks blog reader (a.k.a. C.D.)!

Now to address Matt’s comments ...

Before I begin, can I just say that I loved Matt’s posting! Not only did he share very insightful thoughts and serious life stories, but he also had me laughing on more than one occasion. He’s a very captivating writer. At the risk of playing into stereotypes and making a huge generalization, I must admit that I believe British people are unusually clever and witty! I just know I sure laugh a lot when I’m around them. I love them. I laughed especially hard out loud when I read, “I seem to have a habit: relationships end on me on a Sunday before bank holidays.” Very funny. Anyhow, enough of my tribute to the Brits ...

To begin, I must say I feel bad that Matt’s parents weren’t more understanding of his situation. That would be very traumatic to lose the support of those you’ve relied on most throughout life. I can’t even imagine.

I also admire your resolve to date men in a very morally grounded manner. It isn’t easy to do that – for heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Congrats on being committed to principles you believe in.

I agree that “experimenting” with women seems very wrong on several levels. Even mentioning the thought feels very dehumanizing. Are a woman’s emotions so insignificant that anyone can play with them without regard to their fragility? Seems cruel to have a woman fall in love with you, and then crush her heart and dreams by telling her you were just “experimenting.”

I must dissent on one point. You said, “Could I live with the knowledge that she may worship the ground that I walk on, yet all I could muster for her were the feelings of a close, platonic love?” I would agree whole-heartedly that no woman deserves a “platonic” love. Yet, I don’t know that the physical attraction deficiency would ultimately end in a “platonic” love. For example, I have a very good friend with whom I spend a lot of time. She is the most amazing person ever. I could spend days upon end with her. In fact, I’ve even thought to myself that I could easily marry her and love her for the rest of my life. Admittedly, I’m not super attracted to her; nonetheless, I think our love could be more than that. I think we could have a beautiful marriage and life together.

That said … it’s obvious I’m not fully convinced. Otherwise, I’d be trying to marry her right now. :) I just wanted to share my feelings on the issue.

Matt, I certainly wish you the best. I hope you do find that perfect man who is worthy of your love and affection. Perhaps you should consider moving to a more Mormon-populated area if you’re looking for gay Mormon men who still abide by many of the Church’s standards (everything but the little “homosexuality policies” – a minor hang-up, really). There are quite a few in Utah, New York, California, D.C., etc. Europe is a tough area to find members of the Church, period – let alone gay ones. We’re certainly a rare breed. :)

Scott, you’re absolutely right: many a gay Mormon has been able to successfully come to terms with their sexuality. I’m sure I could do the same. I just have to decide what I want out of life. I’ll keep you posted (pun intended) on my progress. :)

I certainly hope I can get through this as soon as possible as well. I really don’t want my career and life to suffer from my sexuality. Thanks for your well wishes.

Lastly, I really do appreciate your opinions regarding the Mormon Church. You have been very clear about where you stand with regards to doctrines, beliefs and lifestyles. I am glad you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts on my blog – I hope you continue. I just want to make sure I’m clear about where I stand regarding the Church.

I love it! I would have given up on it long ago if I didn’t constantly feel that this is God’s Church. I believe that God does guide it through revelation. Of course, men do run the Church, and its history is not perfect. I can criticize the organization on many different levels; however, I still believe its God’s Church. The doctrines are perfect; the church itself is not.

Perhaps I’m just too human. Perhaps my desire to see purpose and meaning inthis life is just a natural, but foolish desire. I don’t know. All I know is how I feel. I love the way the Gospel makes me feel. Until I get a concrete answer that there is no God, no purpose to life, then I will continue to follow my feelings – even if they are not convenient to me.

Just so you all know, I do realize that I am a bad example of what a member of this Church should be like. I do not follow the counsel given (e.g., porn, masturbation, homosexuality). I often fail to live the standards. I challenge everything the leaders of the Church say (a fairly healthy exercise, I believe). I really do fail on many fronts. But I believe in God and his plan, even if I don't follow it perfectly. All I can say is that I’m trying.

Moving on ... Sophia, I hope you’re successful in capturing your thoughts in your upcoming work. I must admit that I have adopted the phrase, “a version of happiness,” into my own vocab. I hope that’s not a problem. :)

I don’t want to belabor a point I have written about so often, but I want to quickly agree with you on your point of making sure to be completely open about everything before marriage. I would never even discuss the topic of marriage with a girl before telling her about my sexuality. You’re absolutely right: it is her RIGHT to know. I have had this argument many times before – even in church meetings. I find it surprising and alarming that so many people my age feel that it’s appropriate to hide “past” problems, inclinations or issues. It’s just a bad idea in my opinion. The ONLY motive for hiding those things is pride. How embarrassing for someone to know about the darkest corners of my life! It is embarrassing, but that’s life.

It’s WAY past my bedtime. Next time I’d like to talk more about Matt’s interesting fact: the Mormon Church no longer advocating marriage as a solution to homosexuality. Interesting. I’ve had some great conversations with people about this topic. Next blog session should be fun.
Good night.