Sleepless Nights
I can’t sleep. And for the first time in a long while, I don’t know what to say on my blog. I think my brain must be fried from all the fricking research I did today. Literally 12 hours worth. And why can’t I sleep? I have no idea!
I’m going to make this short.
While I’m at a loss for words, I’d like to thank those few individuals who post comments and write emails to me. I love the few cyber friendships I’ve been able to establish over the past few months. I’ve been busier than crap these past few weeks, so if I haven’t been prompt in replying to your emails, please forgive me.
Also, I really want to thank Robert, the Cingular customer care guy, who was kind enough to give me an additional 200 minutes a month on my existing plan. He has saved my gay Mormon butt! Thanks Robert.
By the way, I haven’t been too impressed with Cingular overall, so if any of you love your carrier, let me know.
Goodnight.
P.S. I've been into porn quite a bit lately. I don't like it, but I do.
posted by Gay Mormon at 2:22 AM
8 Comments:
Actually, I like Cingular better than the other carriers I've used (World Com and Sprint). However, I live in BellSouth territory, where Cingular is well-established. Maybe it's different where you live.
I know what you are going through, and I empathize. So many of us are brainwashed as children into believing that whatever Church we are raisd in is "the one true Church." A kid rised Moslem is raised to believe God does not want people to eat pork. A kid raised LDS is raised to believe God does not want him to masturbate. Arbitrary, man-made rules. Someday you will realize the LDS leaders do a lot of damage to gay youths, by needlessly making them feel guilty about natural desires and actions. Homosexuality has been documented in more than 50 species of nmals. It is natural. You so desperately want the real thing, you are trying to satisfy the cravings with porn. It's unfulfilling. You need some actual physicl closeness with a real live human being--even if it's just a cooperative friend, not a dreamed-of perfect boyfriend. You will sleep better, work better, function better when you can get past this state of paralaysis, and see how nice it is to actually be involved with a real live person. It's better than porn on so so many levels. Good luck. But don't trust Evergreen. The people running it are LDS traditionalists, led by ideology not science. They use terms like "recovery" from homosexuality and "failureb to achieve recovery," which are not used by reputatable scientists today.
I <3 Cingular
I must admit that Cingular ROCKED in New York. I've just had a really difficult time with it in Provo. Such is life. Considering I probably won't stay in Provo, maybe I should just tough it out. :)
Bill here:
I have Cingular because I had ATT and they got bought out. I too am in Bell South country (Jax, FL--where are you, Randy?) They've been fine for me.
Now, GM-- you are at several cross roads in your life and that is why you can't sleep. Be kind to yourself. I am pretty sure God can forgive most of the sins you believe you are guilty of. Your good far outweighs your weaknesses.
I have serious sleep issues too. I'll be spending the night at the sleep clinic in a few weeks, with electrodes hooked to me and cameras running. Evidently there is some apnea involved, and I have the weirdest damn dreams of anybody I know.
Dear GM--I think you have to beware of people like Patmos, who say they care about you, think about you, pray for you. What is their agenda? It seems to me that guys like Patmos want to control your behavior. They want to--in effect--castrate you, keep you a neuter, keep you abstinent (a choice Patmos, of course, will not make for himself). And that will only bring you more frustration, loneliness, isolation. If there is a God, I cannot believe that he would care if one of his creatures
was intimate with another of the same sex. No one is harmed. Love is a positive thing. The closeness you yearn for is nautural, and viewing images of guys havng sex is never going to be as fulfilling as actually experiencing it. I have helped some friends come out--helped give some friends their first experiences (even though we were not really attracted to one another) because that seemed a caring, lovin, helpful thing to do. Gay friends you know--like that friend who took you to the theater--would probably do the same for you if you asked. It's not about beimng a boyfriend, it's about helping you get some familiarity with the actions, and get more comfortable expressing ho you really are.
Good luck. Don't let the Patmos's of the world control you, or keep you from realizing your dreams. They are control freaks, who should get lives of theior own rather than worrying that you might actually explore your sexuality.
Georges advice/comment/suggestion was the most asinine I have read in a while! I am so glad you have brains GM. I am not worried about you taking his advice in any way shape or form. In fact, he is doing the same thing as Patmos, just on a different team??!!!LOL
A favor screw from one of your gay friends to show you a better way isn't going to get you out of porn...some expert!!I love you! And like Patmos, I am praying for you too, there is nothing wrong or mean about praying for someone. Everyone needs prayers. If those prayers help you figure out who/what/when/where you get out of life who cares? Why are people so offended by that?!! Love one Another!
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