Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Passing Time

Wow! Of all weeks, I had to return to Utah over the past week. As a result, I have been without computer access for more than a week. I nearly crapped my pants when I found more than 30 new comments from the blog. This is a good problem to have. :) Let’s be honest: I probably won’t get to all of them, but I’ll do my best.

One reader emailed me directly and noted that the discussion has turned fairly one-sided on the blog. I really have no problem with that, but my natural inclination is to play devil’s advocate. :) Whether represented or not, there are two very valid perspectives to this debate – live as a homosexual or live as a heterosexual. I really do see pros and cons to both. (I’m sure many of you are rolling your eyes at me right now – stop it!)

First of all, I must concur with you all: it’s great to have this dialogue. It’s evidence of people’s desire for me to be happy and to be at peace with myself. Thanks for your input, concern and comments. I really do appreciate them all.

Scott asked if the dialogue from this blog is really helping me resolve my issues? I’d have to say “yes” and “no.” For me, the blog provides a place to vent, a place to discuss and a place to question. The dialogue has brought many valid points to light – points I would have never considered otherwise. Nonetheless, this is a personal problem, and though people have made many wonderful comments, I will have to be the ultimate decision maker.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel ready to make any bold decisions at this point. Scott mentioned that people will eventually become bored of my blog and stop reading. He’s absolutely right. I doubt this blog will capture many people’s attention beyond a few days or weeks. That’s okay. I never intended for this to provide a quick solution to my problems, so I will just have to accept that most people will get bored of me and my situation and will move on. (What? Other people have lives and problems too? If only the world really did revolve around me – like it does in my mind.)

I guess my problem is I hate making decisions, so when I can, I proceed slowly and methodically. Eventually, I will make a decision. Maybe not this month, year, or (God forbid) decade, but some time. This will have to be done on my timetable. And, of course, some will be happy with my progress, and some will be very disappointed. Unfortunately, I won’t (can’t) please everyone. That’s why I’m in it for myself. I will decide which path is best for me.

Funny how my blog has changed over time. When I first began, it was a blog to describe how I am dealing with “the path I’ve chosen.” It has turned to a “What path should I choose” blog. In retrospect, I think that’s what I wanted it to be. Why would I have started a blog if I had no questions or concerns about the “path I’ve chosen.”

Unfortunately, I will have to continue this another time. I’ve got a meeting in twenty minutes.


Blogger Randy said...

Have you considered seeing a psychotherapist? I do NOT consider homosexuality to be a psychiatric or psychological disorder, but a good therapist might be able to help you sort things out much better than we amateurs in the blogosphere. Therapy is helping me work with a number of pressing issues, and I highly recommend it. That said, I'm impressed with the concern being expressed for you in these comments. Finally, go easy on yourself, forget about guilt for a while, and live in the here and now.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Randy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:24 AM  

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