Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Sacrifice?

Before we get back to the discussion (which I’m loving), I have to tell a funny story.

So I was on the subway coming back from Phantom of the Opera tonight, and there was a guy on the train who kept making eye contact with me (I’m finding out these “eye contact” moments are happening a lot). He was very good-looking, so throughout the ride, I would look over, find him staring at me, and then see him look away. Then it would happen exactly opposite – he would catch me looking at him and I’d look away. Eventually, we got to the point where he was giving me eyebrow movement (you know, when a person scrunches his forehead). But he would do it very quickly and subtly. I just cracked a smile.

Then I realized that I hadn’t thought very far ahead. I couldn’t possibly meet him or talk to him because I was with two friends. After that realization, I tried to avoid any eye contact. Ironically, we got off at the same stop, and I ended up walking down the platform to the stairs directly in front of him. He was right on my tail the whole time.

When we reach the escalator, we get on in the following order: friend #1, me, friend #2, and then him. He is literally three feet behind me (yes, it was a little awkward, but funny). So I turn sideways, facing the window that runs parallel to the escalator. I can now see him in the reflection. Again, we start exchanging eye contact – this time through the reflection. He cracks a small smile and winks. Now I’m holding back a big smile and a laugh.

Off the escalator, we were headed toward home. He follows. I kind of want to meet him, so I tell my friends I’m going to stop off for some gum at the corner store. They decide to come with me. The guy follows us into the store. We each (all four of us) buy a good or two, then we exit … together. He’s still behind us. Eventually, I notice he’s not following anymore. I glance back and see him standing on the steps to his building, staring at me. I couldn’t do anything, so I just keep walking. That was the end of it.

Well, about twenty minutes later, I did walk past his building again, just to see if he was there. He wasn’t. I didn’t think he would be.

Not much of an ending I realize, but it was the closest I’ve come to actually meeting a gay guy randomly. Funny experience – and a bit exciting – to say the least. I know many of you are probably disappointed that I shared this story; however, I promise you I had no intention of doing something stupid with him. I just wanted to meet him. Plus, it really is a funny story to me (because of the coincidental chain of events)

Okay, now back to the dialogue…

Apparently I am not doing a good job of keeping up on things. I now see several comments that I’d love to reply to. Again, I doubt I’ll be able to reply to all of them, so forgive me if I don’t make it to yours tonight. I’ll do my best.

First and foremost, I must agree with Chip – the faster I figure things out, the more able I’ll be to move on with the rest of my life. I’ve often thought about the amount of time I spend worrying about my sexuality. What could I have accomplished in my life up to this point had I used that time for something else? I probably could have written a book or something. Or at least read a book. Anyhow, I agree that I need to work through this (one way or the other) and move on to bigger and better things.

I really liked Mike’s comment. I had never really considered that God might be understanding if I go through life and never get married. I’ve always kind of believed he required more of me. I’ll have to think about that. I also liked that Mike spoke to the idea of sacrificing all. I believe that sacrifice is a universal principle: giving up something now will usually lead to something better in the future. For example, giving up $200 a month now will lead to nearly $2 million 40 years later.

I wonder if my desires to be with men are not the sacrifice I should place on the altar as an offering to God. Like I’ve mentioned before, perhaps this is my Goliath. If I beat him, I will prove myself worthy to God.

I agree that God does answer prayers. However, he doesn’t always answer them in expected or wanted ways. I need to return to my knees because it’s been a while …

I liked the conversation Mike and C had regarding happiness. I, too, believe people can be very happy living various types of lifestyles. I also agree that church teachings and doctrine can sometimes feel very repetitive. However, my problem extends beyond simple mantra. Mine is a very personal struggle. You see, I have found, through my various experiences in life, that I am happiest when I’m living according to the Gospel of Christ. I wish sometimes that I could deny that fact, but I can’t. It’s just a reality of life for me. If I do decide to live as a homosexual man (I think that phrasing is a little better than “homosexual lifestyle” – what do you think, Bill?), then I will be living a different version of happiness. I’m sure I could live a great and happy life. I just don’t know if it would be the best or happiest life I could live.

Bill, I love you to death! Thanks for your comments. I agree with you completely!

Okay, I’m sleepy. This is going to have to be my stopping point for the night. I’ll get to the rest of your comments later.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think its funny how sometimes i feel like no one can relate. I just found your blog, and its nice to find someone in the same boat. I'm going to BYU this fall, too. I haven't read very far into your blog, but if you haven't found this site, or if no one has suggested it yet, try going to www.peoplecanchange.com. it helped me get a little direction

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Sophia, St Louis said...

There's that phrase again "Version of Happiness"..Now if I can just get it on paper without sending the wrong message! Being LDS is hard, finding a great eternal companion is hard too. It comes down to the Forrest Gump saying "you never know what your gonna get." It is the truth! I have had too many friends trust in Peter Priesthood, only to realize a few kids down the road of their secret desires. Whether they be desires for other women/Porn, or men, or heaven forbid even children. Whether LDS or not, I would personally get on my knees and beg a man NOT to marry a woman if there are very real vices that vex their minds and may potentially manifest themselves eventually. If you do marry, you should absolutely make your future spouse aware of your struggles, no matter how bizaar, BEFORE you seal the deal so that she can decide if it is something she is willing to take on. Honesty is the best policy. Honesty with yourself and with others. Just a comment!

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

This is just a random interjection... but I just wondered if you knew that the Church no-longer recommends marriage as a "solution" to homosexuality. In fact, from what i've read, they've recently (within the past year or two) changed their written material to actively discourage it.. probably for the reason that many people seem to be bringing up here!

Matt

12:32 PM  

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