Monday, December 26, 2005

Out To A Sibling

Someone congratulate me! I finally grew some balls and told one of my brothers and his wife. *Huge sigh of relief!* I don’t know why, but telling people about my struggles is so therapeutic! (Okay, I admit that's a stupid statement -- but it really does amaze me.) I feel as if a load of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. I don’t really understand why, either. Nothing has changed. I’m still gay. I’m still undecided on how to live my life. I still have porn problems. Regardless, I feel much better.

Things really couldn’t have gone better. This is how it went down …

I had been staying at my brother’s house for a week or so. Over the course of my stay, they has asked me about marriage a few times. I just brushed it off. Finally, on Friday night of last week, Dec. 23, they really pinned me down. They started asking why I was so opposed to marriage, why I didn’t date girls, and why I avoided their questions. I just continued to deflect their questions for about 20 minutes. The entire time, I was thinking, “I want to tell them, but I don’t dare.” Finally, I told myself that if my sister-in-law asked me one more time why I didn’t date girls, I would tell her. Well, she asked.

I said, “Do you guys really want to know why I’m not into dating girls?” They, of course, responded in the affirmative. Then I got emotional. I was surprised. The tears started gushing, and in a broken voice I said, “I struggle with homosexual tendencies. I’m gay.” The tears wouldn’t stop coming. Both of them got up and sandwiched me in a big hug. I couldn’t believe how calm they both were! My sister-in-law did shed a few tears with me, but both of them were extremely composed. I regained my composure after about a minute or two of crying.

We then began a discussion about my situation. It was great. They said from the beginning: “You know you can talk to us about these things. Why didn’t you come to us earlier?” They were more than understanding and supportive. I could not have asked for a better reaction! Honestly.

Naturally, my brother suggested that I try to continue living as a heterosexual. I expected this, and he really offered the suggestion in love. I explained that I didn’t know exactly how I was going to live my life. I warned him I may make some decisions that are highly unpopular with the family. Remarkably, they seemed to understand. Well, my brother didn’t say anything after I said that. My sister-in-law said she could understand why I might make that choice.

I can’t get over how positive the whole experience was!

They believe I can tell my other siblings without fearing banishment. I’ve always felt that deep down, but it’s so nice to get verbal confirmation from a third party. Get this: my sister-in-law said she believes that even my mother would be able to cope with it – even though it wouldn’t be easy. I’m considering telling her.

My sister-in-law also confirmed that the family was starting to wonder. As I mentioned in a previous blog, my sister has already confronted me about it. I even lied to her, telling her no I’m not gay – that’s something I intend to fix soon. My other sister-in-law has suspected that I am gay for years now. I plan to come out to her and my brother this weekend. In fact, I have committed to come out to all my siblings within the next year. I won’t be able to come out to them all right away, but in a year’s time it will happen. The main problem is that I want to tell them in person – not over the phone. It’s going to take time before I have a chance to get each sibling (along with spouse) alone in person.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the obscure blessing in my timing! I was very fortunate to have told my brother and his wife when I did. Two days after leaving their home, my brother called me and told me he had found some gay porn on his computer. Yes, unfortunately, I had been into it on his computer. Anyhow, I am so glad that I had told him about my sexuality beforehand! It would have been awful for him to find out about me that way.

He was less understanding about the porn on his computer. He said that he doesn’t care what kind of porn I’m viewing – he wants to help me quit it quickly. I’ll be honest: I’m not too excited about his offer to help. But he was pretty insistent, so I don’t have much choice. I guess I’m bugged because I feel like I am making progress, yet he acted like he was the first to know about my problem with it. Ah, I’ll get over it. I’m sure he’ll be good about it. He usually is.

So I’ve been thinking about why I was emotional when I came out to my brother and his wife. I wasn’t emotional coming out to my other two friends. My reaction just didn’t make sense to me. But then I realized that I also cried when I told my father. (I don’t remember crying when talking to anyone else about it.) I decided that I honestly believe that my family will be disappointed or disgusted with me, or reject me. I hate letting people down, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing when I tell family. There simply is so much emotion behind these homosexual issues.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt peace like this. It’s so relieving to talk about these issues. Yet, each time it’s extremely difficult to do. I suppose the best things in life don’t come easily, so I’ll deal with the difficulty.

Happy holidays!!!


Blogger Gay Mormon said...

A quick post script. I didn't get a chance to tell my best friend about my sexuality! I was so disappointed. Now I have to decide whether coming out over the phone is a good idea. I oppose the idea, generally, but I really want to let her know. I leave to California in two days! Yippee!

7:44 PM  
Blogger CatchingWaterfalls said...

Hey, Congratulations. I'm really glad it went well for you. I think you will be surprised at how many people will react that same way, with open arms and loving acceptance. I was lucky that the first person I tolds first words were "I still love you". I hope that you will be met with that too. Have fun in Cali.

11:15 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

Good for you, GM! Being open about who you are is a lot less stressful and anxiety-causing than being secretive, isn't it?

2:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

EXCELLENT! I'm happy it went well for you. I know the feeling of having the weight lifted off your shoulders, and it feels great, doesn't it?

Keep us posted on how everything else turns out.

11:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill here:

Wow, GM. Wow.
Whatever else you decide, it will be easier for you if you know that you can be honest with the people who love you the most. As always, I wish you well.

2:24 PM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

Wow! I am so proud of you for coming around and telling your brother. I really understand like we are very much in the same place right now, and I really understand about how good it feels to have support in the family. I am with you on the telling the rest of the family in the next year, I think those are my plans as well.... Anyways, congrats! I am really happy that you got the courage to tell them. It takes SO much balls and is so emotional, but I think in the end we'll find its worth it....

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear it went well. As far as the rest of the family goes, they may indeed be disappointed, especially your mom, as she has hopes and dreams for you. So it might be worth reminding her that it is very disappointing, especially to your self. It's your life after all, and you, no doubt, share in many of the same aspirations and dreams that the rest of your family does. Life deals us all a hand of cards and we have to do what we can to make the best life we can. Remind them that you do not wish to live a secret life having to lie about who you are.

As far as the porn goes, if it is, as you say, difficult for you to deal with, then it might be an addiction or a compulsion. Living a secret or hidden life fosters such addictions. Once you get the weight of secrecy off your shoulders, by comming out, you may have better success dealing with compulsive behavior.

8:55 PM  
Blogger onDfence said...

Hey GM, I'm glad it went well for you.

I thought I'd start my own blog so I can process some of my own thoughts about my own situation. And I would welcome you and or some of your readers to leave some feedback for me.

4:25 AM  
Blogger Peculiar Mormon said...

Dude, i hate when you keep using the phrase "gay." I guess that I'm just putting this out there as personal interpretation, but the term 'gay' really is an adjective...NOT a noun! People experience 'gay tendencies,' 'he was living a 'gay lifestyle.' In my opinion, saying "i'm gay" is putting a merminant lable on myself...not something I'm willing to do...because what if, by some miracle, I overcome my Same Sex attraction? Or if i can beat it into submission enough to allow me to marry...anyway..along with the "gay" concept....I don't think it's necessary for you to "come out" to your siblings...calling yourself gay...that's just makes it seem as if you aren't willing to fight it like you have been. Instead, might I suggest that you state it as "I deal with same-sex attraction, and have for as long as I can remember." Just quit callin' yourself gay!

My therapist jumped at me eventually for constantly referring to myself as "gay." Thank goodness for him!

7:38 PM  
Blogger David said...

To Peculiar Mormon: Is your therapist Mormon?

If you went to a Non-Mormon therapist I am willing to bet that he would approach your gayness : ) in a completely different way.

Same Sex Attraction (SSA) is a label that the Mormon church has adopted to refer to gay people as if they have some sort of illness. That's fine if they want to sterilize the subject they feel uncomfortable with. Afterall, it is also very Mormon to say gosh or heck, but everyone knows what words they are replacing (god and hell) so does it really change the meaning of the words they use.

If Struggling wants to come out to his siblings and if that brings peace to his heart maybe you'd do well to take a lesson from anothers life experience. I believe each individual should do what brings them peace, including you. Learn from the people around you, expecially the gay (or those who struggle with SSA if that is easier on your ears) people around you. I don't doubt that your therapist has good intentions, but does he truly understand what you are feeling?

As far as the labeling anyone or anything gay, does it really matter. Words like gay mean different things to different people and words change meaning with culture and time. If gay is a negative thing in your mind, I'm sorry. If you don't like apples feel free to call them oranges or anything else, but they are still apples no matter what you call them.

I truly hope you find the peace you seek, even if that peace is with your Mormon therapist in the Mormon church.

I am glad that Struggling is finding peace in his journey, that's what God wants for each of us, peace on this journey.

gay |gā| adjective ( gayer , gayest ) 1 (of a person, esp. a man) homosexual : that friend of yours, is he gay? • relating to or used by homosexuals : feminist, black, and gay perspectives. 2 lighthearted and carefree : Nan had a gay disposition and a very pretty face. • characterized by cheerfulness or pleasure : we had a gay old time. • brightly colored; showy; brilliant : a gay profusion of purple and pink sweet peas. noun a homosexual, esp. a man.

6:03 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home