Monday, October 10, 2005

Cruising Time (kind of like the song "Closing Time")

I had another cruising moment tonight. This time I actually had a really hard time resisting. I was walking home from the subway, and this good-looking guy and I made eye contact just outside my complex. It was the typical cruising moment: we sized each other up, and then stared each other down as we passed. After we passed, I had to keep telling myself not to look back. But that lasted only about five seconds. I finally looked back to find him looking back as well. Oh no! I was caught! Or, maybe I should say, OH YES, I was caught. Anyhow, when I turned my head, he stopped walking the other direction and was turning around, but I just looked straight ahead and kept walking. (ahh!)

I did this for a few reasons, and maybe someone can shed some light on my reaction to this event. First, even though he was very good looking (which made it hard because it made it a lot harder to keep walking), I have a feeling he just wanted a one-night stand. Am I wrong? I can’t say for certain what he wanted, but that’s what I’ve always assumed. To be honest, I’ve never understood that whole cruising process. What are their motives? Please expound if someone knows. In any case, if he just wanted to have a one-night stand, I'm almost positive I wouldn't have been interested. That's not going to be very fulfilling, right?

Second, I really don’t know what to say to someone in that situation. Had I turned around, I’m sure I would have been at a loss for words. In fact, my heart immediately started racing (I got nervous) when he turned around, and I think my reaction of just walking on was partly based in fear/nervousness.

Anyhow, I just need some reassurance that I did the right thing. Or, I need someone to tell me that I am totally off-base with my assumptions.

On another note, thanks for all the great comments. Adam’s comments were especially convincing. Thanks for all the dialogue everyone.


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10:35 PM  
Blogger Peculiar Mormon said...

You did good, kid, you did good. I just got a new job, and my manager is actually a kid who was raised in northern Utah, born and raised LDS, but fell away from the church come college when he learned the 'value of a good party.' Usually I'd be completely okay with that, whatever, it's other people's decision, and I'm sticking with mine...but he's kind of attractive...though not as musclular/big as the guys I usually look on with wanton eyes. Anyway, regardless, I can't help but be attracted to him...He's new, he's relatively good-looking, he's mysterious, and he's got muscle. There were multiple times when I pictured myself just jumping him today at work...I've never had that happen before...I too have resisted my feelings...and I feel like that's what I need to be doing, not only for my future employment at this institution, but also for my spiritual wellbeing. Just like the unsatisfied feeling that we get after partaking in masturbation, the same feeling, I can only imagine, from partaking in something we know would be wrong...think about how much my conscience would kill me, were I to act out? I'd probibly, in actual fact, end up killing myself. I'm not sure if you're as extreme as I am, but consider the similarities.

Recently I've been trying to come to some understanding as to why I'm "spiritually dead," because that's what it comes down to...I dont feel the spirit anymore...I don't read my scriptures or pray much, if at all, because they both seem to be nothing but chores...what've you done in similar situations where you were so caught up in your self-hatred, that you retreated so far inside yourself that even the spirit couldn't reach you? I don't have the experience of serving a full mission, and regret that that factor has left me wanting...though I know that it wouldn't be possible for me to get out there and serve...simply illogical.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous C. D. said...

For crying out loud, G.M., you and trhe guy made eue-contact. You both had some initial interest or attraction to each other. You can no more ASSUME he wantwed a one-nioght stand thabn he can assume that YOU wanted a one-nght stand. But if there is some attraction betweem the two of you, some spark, you ought to check it out. Maybe it's a person you need to know. Maybe one thing will lead to another eventuaslly, maybe it won't. But you have to start someplace! To turn, in fear, from people who look a you because MAYBE they want a ne-nioght stand is ridiculous. When you go on actual dates with gay guys, when yuo9u invite them to your home for dnner, you cannot assme--nor can the other person--that it will lead to any7thing motre than dinneer. Flirting, dating, exist, having dinner--you can do all these things one step at a time. And decide at each step if you want to tae another steop. Having one date or two dates or theree dates wuith a guy does noty obliogate you to have a fourth. If you had stopped and talked with the guy abiout ANYTHING--sked him if he knew how to get to someplace, because you are kinda new to Washington, or what time it is, or if he'[d like to go get a soda with you, anmything is fine. You can say, I'm new to this city, I'm just on my way tyo get some pizzza, would you want to join me, i cd yuse the company... Theere is no obligtion to to dfo anmything more. A person can say yers o no ant any time...

The fellow who wrote you about feeling unfulfilled after masturbation should not assume he'd feel tht way fter actual sex with a human being who cared or him. He might well feel FULFILLED (not unfulfilled). It is always easier to back away in fear. But for Pete's sake, what is the harm in simply talking with someone. Ask them what tme it is. Where are they from... Whasteveer... See what debvelops. Sometimes there may not be anything to build on. Sometim,es there may be. GFood lck.

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill here:
Hi GM. E-mail me sometime, OK? (Just kidding, I know you're busy.) My insights are as limited as ever. But these "some enchanted evening" (oh dear--showtune reference. I totally dropped MY beads)moments happen to straight and gay alike. Here's the difference--men are more likely to spring for a one night stand than women. However, what happened after small talk (anything would do--"Isn't it humid?""Isn't the Meto amazing!" "Autumn is in the air..") depends on the 2 of you....Or numbers can be exchanged. "Would you like to go for coffee?" is another choice (OK--I know you don't drink coffee, but any beverage would do.) I can't judge the other young man's motives. Alas, the rest is up to you.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GM, I really recommend that you get out and actually meet more gay people. It seems as though too much of your perception is based on these brief glancing encounters and your preconceived ideas about the gay community.

Not to say that you are totally off base, because it is probably true that finding a one-time hook up is easier in the gay community than the straight community. However, gay people are like straight people in the sense that they struggle with relationship issues, including the drawbacks and sometimes emotional emptiness of brief physical encounters.

The best way for you to learn about and humanize the thoughts, emotions, struggles, and desires of other gay people is to actually get to know them. By doing so, you might also learn more about yourself. You mentioned that you live in D.C., which has plenty of opportunities to meet and socialize with other gays.

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must stop and realize that everything that happens like this is not THAT huge of deal:) Life is TOO short to torment yourself so. If you want to be gay, have a relationship with a man then explore that! It is all about values, what do you value the most? Values always come in conflict, and we can't have all our values at the same time all together, ie you can't be mormon and homosexual. LOTS OF THINGS ARE LIKE THIS IN LIFE! So, decide what is more important to you, your faith or your homosexuality, if it is your faith then explore your sexuality in ways that can conicide with your faith, ie dating a woman, sex with a women, I strongly believe we are all complicated sexuals creators that can give and recieve pleasure in many ways, just because you are attracted to men, doesent mean you could NEVER be happy with a women, although being with a women would de-value your homosexuality put increase the value of your faith. BUT NO MATTER WHAT DON'T TORMENT YOURSELF! You have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else, male or female!

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't hear anger very often from you.
The only person I've ever heard you get really angry at was your Dad.
Who or what else deserves your anger?
What messages influence your decisions to embrace your anger or to bury it?
I wonder about depression too and if you suffer from it?

I don't want or need your response posted to this blog. Please don't answer this in writing. The question is meant for your own personal meditation.

9:42 PM  

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