Friday, November 18, 2005

Guilty

I just had another experience that reminded me of how deeply rooted my religious beliefs are. Ugh! I can’t even describe the feelings of unrest that I’ve been going through for the past 24 hours. I hate feeling like this!! Sometimes I think it would have been much better to have grown up in a non-religious family. That said, I’ve had a wonderful life thus far.

Here’s the story. My buddy was sleeping in my room last night, and he asked me if I had ever masturbated before. (Who asks that?) I answered in the affirmative. Then I asked him if he had. He hasn’t! I know that many people may not believe him, but I do. I know he is telling the truth. He’s very open and has no reason to lie.

I automatically felt overwhelming guilt that I have masturbated – and still do. I had recently started feeling comfortable with the fact that I masturbate, and then this happens. In fact, I don’t masturbate nearly as much any more because I stopped thinking it was a big deal. Anyhow, now I just have tons of anxiety and guilt about it. It’s driving me nuts. I know that it will go away eventually – it always does. I just wish it would go away faster. I’ve been trying to use all sorts of tactics to get rid of it, but it’s still here.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel so crappy all of a sudden. I think I feel this way because I’ve been telling myself that it’s impossible to live all the church’s standards. I now know that it’s not impossible at all! It’s very possible. I just don’t. That’s a very depressing thought. This buddy of mine is effing perfect! The worst thing he’s done is make out with girls! I’m not saying he is perfect, but morally speaking he is.

Okay, here’s the real problem … I am PISSED that Mormons put such a HUGE emphasis on masturbation! It’s such an abomination to them. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize my sins away.

This event has set me back big time. I haven’t hated my homosexuality this much in a long, long time. I know that I will get over these crappy feelings. (I’m feeling better already after writing about them.) Nonetheless, it’s times like these when I just wish I were heterosexual. My life would be compatible with my religious beliefs if I weren’t gay. Anywho … besides that, I’m doing great.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog is so interesting! (I have read a number of post and comments here)
I have a gay christian friend, and he seems to go through all these types of strugles as you do (I am a christian as well). These topics seem to either be so hard for people to discuss, or so easy for people to give a pig headed response to.
Why do you feel you are gay? (nature vs nurture) I am so interesting in this topic of how gay people in the church feel about the church. After the "fall" of Adam and Eve, the entire way of life changed, adding death, disease, suffering, struggling, pain, genetic mutations which cause disease(so why not a gay gene?), the list is endless. As you have knowledge of the bible, it is apparant God did not creat humans to be gay, as he created a man and a woman to be together and commanded us to "multiply". I guess I feel your struggle is a HUGE one, since it deals almost exclusively with fleshly deisres, which are SO hard to ignor. I pray you find peace.
answersingenesis.org has so many interesting articles to read
I will be praying for you...

5:04 PM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

Hey bud, dont dwell on it too much. Move on... there are bigger fish to fry than worrying about how much you've jerked off...and believe me, I dont think there are many guys who havent, even Mormon ones.

I understand how hard it is, and what its like to look in the mirror and hate everything that you see. But you know what.... we didnt choose to be this way, and you should look forward not back. I'm sure you are a great, caring person, and thats really what counts...... ahhh, I was always too liberal for the traditional mormon's taste...(it just seems to me that everything un-mormon is an Abomination. and I plainly dont agree).... oh well!

You know what though? The sun will rise tomorrow, a new day will begin, and again, what's important is that you treat others well, that you are kind, and that you are happy. I'm sure none of that made sense......my apologies if thats the case.

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And a hightly fashionable Commandment not to mix linen and wool, as well as the enlightened Commandment to only keep heathens as slaves...

Sorry. Too much Seminary and my own frustrations with the same situation percolating through.

The adage I've heard goes somewhat along the lines, "you can willingly leave the Church, but the Church doesn't willingly leave you." I've found that to contain some degree of painful truth.

Anyways. Chin up, fight the good fight and such and such. Regards from another with the same.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Jim Sinclair said...

Dude,

You're experiencing such cognitive dissonance because you know that the Church is true. It sucks sometimes to have such a strong testimony, but it appears that you know it's true and cannot deny it. Hang on to that through the struggle.

3:12 PM  
Blogger meg said...

New reader. Just read everything from the beginning to now. Very touching, I started to cry at one point.

As a straight woman, I will never know what your stuggle has been like or what it will continue to be like. My best friends are gay men. We all grew up in the Church and have since left it for various reasons (their feelings towards homosexuals NOT being one of them). They have all gone through the exact same things as you and every time they tell me a story of their struggles, my heart breaks.

I don't know you at all. I'm not going to try to pretend that I do--even from reading your entire blog. But I do know this, the Jesus Christ that I believe in does not hate you or think that you are evil and going to hell. The Christ that I was taught about in primary and sunday school loved ALL of his children--no matter the color of their skin, socioeconomic status, ethnicity, OR sexuality.

You are not evil because of your sexual orientation or because you look at porn or because you masturbate. You are a human being with feelings, thoughts, desires, and wants. Jesus wants us to be happy and live our lives without fear.

I think that you need to stop hating yourself and your actions. I have seen that with my boys; it was only once they truly accepted who they were and started loving themselves they were finally happy.

I hope you can find your happiness soon.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

you have inspired me to sign up for a blog. I am a gay mormon. Actually I am a gay married mormon. I feel everything you are going through. I felt both your pain and hope while reading your blog. Thanks for your honesty. Thank you for your courage.

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is only through supreme self-control that I'm able to restrain myself from ripping apart some of the off-base comments by others.

I, too, used to feel guilt and anxiety regarding masturbation, and I hated my homosexuality. It went on for years until at long last I embraced my gayness. And that wasn't easy to do, considering how much I'd been brainwashed by the church, and by "supportive" but misinformed people who believe homosexuality is something to be fought.

2) Get yourself to www.affirmation.org -- NOW. It's the Web site of a great group of gay and lesbian Mormons. You'll be glad you checked it out.

Chin up. Things will get better. The day you realize you're both gay and a good person will be one of the most joyous of your life.

David

9:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is only through supreme self-control that I'm able to restrain myself from ripping apart some of the off-base comments by others.

I, too, used to feel guilt and anxiety regarding masturbation, and I hated my homosexuality. It went on for years until at long last I embraced my gayness. And that wasn't easy to do, considering how much I'd been brainwashed by the church, and by "supportive" but misinformed people who believe homosexuality is something to be fought.

Get yourself to www.affirmation.org -- NOW. It's the Web site of a great group of gay and lesbian Mormons. You'll be glad you checked it out.

Chin up. Things will get better. The day you realize you're both gay and a good person will be one of the most joyous of your life.

David

9:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite joke / anecdote is this: A man (or woman) dies, arrives at Heaven, and is greeted by Christ at the gate. They exchange welcomes and Christ says, “Let me show you around.”

Together, they walk through the beautiful lanes and Christ points out the various neighborhoods they pass through. “Over there are the Jews, the Methodists a few blocks over, across the street are the Lutherans, and then pass the way a little more are the Quakers…” They went on like this for a space until they reached a towering door in the middle of a well tended green. “What’s behind the door?” the man asked? “Shhh…,” Christ whispered with a smile. “That’s the Mormons and they think they’re the only ones here. We humor them.”

The same "cognitive dissonance" charge can be leveled at anyone outside of, and in conflict with, their high structure, insular thought communities – ex-Catholics, ex-Mormons, ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses… ex- (fill in the blank). Believing members of those faiths say the same with equal conviction. Theoretical terms tend to define the framework and background of the theoretician as much or more than the subject of the application.

I agree with "dctwistedlife."

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GM,

Don't worry AT ALL about it. More than 90 % of all males do it, including Mormons. Perfection is not determined by whether a person masterbates, and your friend is not perfect.

Did you know that some men never masterbate because they are simply not interested in it? Does that make them "perfect"? Of course not. We are all individuals. Some of us think about sex more than others. Some of us think about gay sex, some of us think about straight sex. Our fantasies are even more varied (i.e. three-somes, group sex, bi-sexuality, bondage, etc. etc. etc.) Some act on their fantasies; some only masterbate to them; some rarely think about them. Again, each of us is unique in our sexuality, and we should not feel ashamed, unless we use our sexuality against others in an abusive or dishonest way.

You feel shame because of your upbringing (I know, I was also raised Mormon, mission, BYU, etc., but I no longer attend). I suggest that you meet, socialize and OPEN UP with more non-Mormons. You'll learn that you are ok just the way you are.

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"No one has to be gay. No one should reject a family member because that family member is 'gay.' But love does not require accepting behavior that is harmful. In fact, real love in action is a conscious effort to steer someone away from behavior that can hurt or even kill. It isn't always easy, but it can be done, as evidenced by the many who have."
Article

Not to be too blunt here, but I think media sugar coats being gay to point where everyone sees it as completely normal. There are obvious differences between gays and straights, as well as the not so obvious, including most gays have had some sort of sexual, physical or mental abuse. This article caught my eye a few weeks back...

Sometimes guilt is you telling yourself you don't like what you see (or do). Maybe it is for a reason? But you also need to stop feeling so down on yourself, because Jesus does love you, like He loves the most righteous of us.

I am still praying for your peace (& happiness)

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Charles said...

One of my past bishops told me, to not let masturbation keep me down. He even admitted that he use to do it. I'm still doing it, maybe it's being single that has omething to do with it, or that I'm male. Like so many of the others my advice is to move on. Live your life! If staying with the church is something you want to do, then focus on your calling if you have one(?), do your home teaching, and make yourself busy. It helps. I find that I do it more often, when I am not busy.

9:23 PM  
Blogger David said...

Don't beat yourself up it's really not worth the pain, there are far more important things in life to be concerned about. I was raised Mormon and can relate to some of what you describe. Peace is out there, you have to find it for yourself, keep in mind that it may not be where you've been taught to look for it. Oh, and your friend is gay. Straight boys sleeping in your room don't ask you if you masturbate.

12:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a recovering mormon, I totally sympathize with how you feel. But as a woman, I think many values the mormons teach (especially masturbation) are a load of crap - perpetuated by a patriarchal religion.

Masturbation is healthy and natural. It is not a sin! Many women grow up and go through life never having an orgasm - it is not as outwardly obvious as the male anatomy, believe me! And having a church tell little girls they are sinful and bad for learning about their bodies - for touching their own bodies! It is ludicrous. And many, many women get married and do not know how to have orgasms. They go through the 'being a good wife' motions and never realize their own (healthy) sexuality.

I could go on and on. I spent many years struggling myself. Thankfully, I have left the mormon church and attend a Christian church that doesn't feel the need to tell me how to have sex with my own husband. I masturbate with my husband, and we enjoy it together on occasion - and actually indulge in some fantasies involving mutual masturbation.

Many may disagree - but I had to struggle long and hard to come to what I believe is right - not what some male-dominated patriarchy (mostly well over 70 years of age) believes.

5:31 PM  

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