Sunday, February 06, 2005

Farewell Michelle

Michelle and I are just friends now. It’s official.

We had been hanging out a lot during the month of January, even moving toward a relationship. But just a week and a half ago, I decided to put the brakes on our relationship. I did it for many reasons, but the overriding reason was my complex sexuality situation. She really is a wonderful person, and it’s not fair to drag her into this when I’m still trying to figure things out. I think the world of her and wish her the best. The problem is that I don’t want to marry her – or anyone – until I know how I will deal with my homosexuality. She, on the other hand, is definitely looking for a guy to marry.

Anyhow, I decided it wasn’t fair to her to create a relationship and then break it off after four or five months – which is inevitable considering she graduates in April and I leave for New York at that same time. It would just put her and me through a lot of unnecessary pain. In fact, a friend of mine just told me a week ago that she wishes she had never begun her relationship with her ex-boyfriend because of all the pain it caused her in the end. She has a point. Our relationship wouldn’t have lasted, so why try to have one at all. Better to just be friends…

Though I’ve had many mixed emotions about the whole thing, I mainly feel bad that I never gave her an explanation for slowing the pace. All she knows is that I don’t want a relationship. She probably thinks that I just lost interest, which is true in a SMALL degree. (She may have had similar feelings. Who knows?) In any case, I just got off the phone with her (within the past five minutes), and she said in a very casual way that she would like us to still be friends, despite the recent slowdown. She called to ask me to go on a double date with her this weekend, but I, unfortunately, have plans already. I said we should hang out another time, and she said casually, “Yeah, let’s please still be friends.” She was referring to the situation at hand (i.e., that we should be friends even though I can’t go with her this weekend), but more subtly she was hinting to our overall relationship.

I’m really happy with that outcome. I just wish I had the courage to tell her about my situation. It would provide context for a lot of things that have been happening between us. I just don’t know how one broaches such a subject.

I really don’t worry for Michelle because she has SOOOOOOOOO many guys who like her. I’m flattered that she would even give me the time of day. I’m sure she’ll meet a wonderful guy and live a wonderful life with him. God be with Michelle.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear Sir..
as a gay man who has been on this planet for quite a number of years also in a relationship that has just celebrated its 43 years of being in love with the same man . i must applaud you for you honesty sincerity and directness. . always be truthful to yourself.. NEVER but NEVER let anyone tell you that you are wrong etc. .
Granted you are in an area where suppression and dogma reign supreme, and its an up hill battle. . but I have meet a LOT of Mormons who are/were gay. . just remember your SPIRITUALITY which is totally inside of you is YOUR business and NO one else’s. Your DOGMA that you chose or are brought up with can be changed. . love yourself , and love will follow you . believe in your personal choices. About your sexuality.. your man enough to make that decision . .
, and its nobody else’s business but yours..

9:10 AM  

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