Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm not used to spending this much time with my computer -- and I'm a recovering porn addict.

You're probably surprised that I'm blogging so often. Don't be. I don't have friends or a social life, so the computer and I have really gotten to know each other well – if you know what I mean. (Isn't weird how ANY sentence can turn dirty if you attach "if you know what I mean" to the end of it?)

I have decided (and I had come to this conclusion before reading all the comments about it) that I shall use myspace for friend finding only. That's my main objective at this time, so why complicate my life even more. Plus, I'm holding out for my dream job, and I want God to be on my side during the interview process. God is shaking his head at me right now. I can feel it.

In any case, Jesse is right that jumping into a relationship right off the bat may be problematic. Speaking of boyfriends, NO, I don't plan to "try things out" by having promiscuous sex. Hello! I've always said that I wanted to try things out by just seeing what it's like to have positive homosexual relationships. I think sex is the last thing I need right now. Why bother with it? That's a rhetorical question. :)

My non-Mormon friend (whom I will call Pete because non-Mormon sounds so discriminatory) called me today. He was great! He said right up front that he's dating someone, and he's just looking for friends. I couldn't have been more relieved. You never know what people are expecting when they contact you online. Anyhow, he seemed like a nice guy, and we're going to see if we can hang out this weekend. We'll see if it happens.

Oh Dave. I love you. Your comments always put a smile on my face. You could easily be a spokesman for a gay pride organization. Perhaps you are! I really do appreciate your opinions on my blog. I always know where to turn if I'm looking for the official gay perspective. Ha! ;)

I don't think I mentioned this, but the other night I had a little blow up with the first brother I told (we'll call him Jeffrey). As I mentioned before, he called the brother I'm living with (we'll call him Tim) and told him I was gay before I had a chance to. This happened after he said he wouldn't tell anyone. Anyhow, I wanted him to know that I was hurt by what he did, but I wanted to do it in a light manner. So much for planning. Things got rough really quickly. Here's the rundown on our convo:

"Hey Jeffrey, I heard you outed me to Tim?" I said this laughing, because it is a little funny. Unfortunately, Jeffrey was serious about the whole situation.

"Gay Mormon, I had to. He needed to know that you have a porn problem."

"Jeffrey, why didn't you just let me tell him?" I asked. "I had planned on telling him anyway. Plus, he already had an idea that I have porn problems. I just felt a little hurt when I heard you went behind my back to tell him when I had asked you not to."

Jeffrey: "Well, I didn't know that he knew about your porn situation. I just wanted to give him a heads up."

Gay Mormon: "Well, please let me deal with my own problems. You haven't outed me to any other siblings, have you?"

"No! And is that what you're calling it? Being 'outed'?" he asks in a disgusted tone.

"I was trying to soften the situation. Would you rather I say it how it is: 'Jeffrey, why are you betraying me?'"

"Let's talk about betrayal," Jeffrey says. "Do you know how I felt when I found out you used my computer to look at porn over the holidays? I trusted you in my house, and you went and betrayed me by looking at porn at all hours of the night."

He was right here, so I said: "Jeffrey, you know I am sorry about that. I apologized. I'll apologize again. It was absolutely inappropriate, and I'm honestly very, very sorry about what I did. It definitely was a form of betrayal, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. However, I told you the biggest f-ing secret of my life, and you f-ing went and told Tim!!! I know I have big f-ing problems, but I simply ask that you let me deal with them!! They aren't your problems!"

At this point, Jeffrey backed down. He apologized sincerely for his mistake, and we both cooled down and ended the converation.

I've forgiven him, but I've also learned a valuable lesson: I can't talk to him about my sexuality. I love him, but he and I will approach my sexuality the same way my father and I do – we just won't talk about it.

By the way, that blow up was the first time I've ever used the F word in a conversation. I even said it two or three times! I apologize to all the parents whose children are reading this.


Blogger Moderator said...

Hi there, I converted into the LDS Church about 6 years ago. Left the Church now. Just opened a blog for coming out-related stories, not necessarily with a religious background. Can you link me please into your blog ? Contact me if you need more info on me. Thanks

2:36 AM  
Blogger Elbow said...

It sucks to have such a heated argument with someone who loves you but doesn't understand your situation completely.
I think you are on such a good path. I really am proud of you. I know I say that everytime I write to you, but I mean it. You are becoming authentic and genuine and who you want to be. You are being safe, you are not acting out irrationally, and you are aware of your needs both spiritually and physically. I look up to you in that respect. I feel like I have a long way to go. Hopefully I can do everything I can to follow your example.

9:18 AM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

Hey GM,

I'm glad to see that you're out there finding people to hang out with! I think it will be great for you to see what's out there and to dip your toes into things. Slowly :)... About your brother....I wish I even had the courage to tell my brothers. But as for your situation, I think its good that you stood up for yourself. Don't let them treat you badly because of what they know. I think this one will just need time, but I also think that one day things will be ok. Hope all's well in cali!

1:39 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

"You could easily be a spokesman for a gay pride organization. Perhaps you are!"

Hey, if I were a spokesman for a gay pride group, I'd be saying, "Honey, get your butt outta that closet!"

But OK, I'll admit it: I worked full-time as an Official Gay Person for five years, and now my boring generic blog has morphed into a boring Official Gay blog. Oh well.

Regarding your brother: Good for you for stikcing up for yourself. Watch your back, though. Is there a possibility he might ultimately team up with one or more of your other family members to stage some kind of intervention to "save" you?


11:12 PM  
Blogger David said...

That conversation was awfully preoccupied with pornography on the internet. It sounds like your brother is avoiding the real issue, the one about you being gay.

One truth that I've discovered: Once you tell one person you are gay, you are no longer in control of who knows.

7:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I've always said that I wanted to try things out by just seeing what it's like to have positive homosexual relationships."
--Good idea. Your most valuable friends will be those with whom you never even toy with the idea of a physical relationship.
This may mean that you will have to suppress feelings at times. It's hard to do that, especially when you finally find a friend who you can tell everything too. You naturally also want to tell him that you are horny or that he looks hot today...that stuff is ok to say sometimes but it can also be destructive. You'll learn where the lines are.
Make friends first. Find people you can trust to be your friends without a physical relationship. If they really care about you they will understand that the physical stuff is the last thing you need right now and they won't even try to do that with you.
If they know you don't want a physical relationship (and you better be sure that's not what you want) then be very wary if they try to get physical with you or become more than good friends. You'll feel it. If it happens it will probably feel exciting and like something you've never felt before and it will also feel right.
Its not. Think of young teenagers when they first date. Would you recommend they show each other all the physical affection they feel? No way.
Don't think that once you've decided to make gay friends all rules are gone. You still have to control yourself.

I've been reading your blog for awhile. you're a good guy. I hope you find what you're looking for.

12:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry, one more thing.

I bet your brothers love you. I bet they love you a hell of a lot more than anybody who reads this blog. Honestly. Think about it.

Don't fall into the trap of only trusting other gay guys and distrusting everyone else.

Clearly your brother made a mistake by going around your back but it was not a malicious mistake. Keep him on your side.

12:08 AM  

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