Friday, January 06, 2006

Scarred for LIFE!!!

Okay, I really need to get something off my chest. So I had THE MOST DISTURBING dream of my life two nights ago!! Holy SHIT! (Yes, it even warrants a swear word from these Peter Priesthood lips of mine.) You may puke at the thought of this -- and I wouldn't blame you if you did. I just want to give you fair warning.

I have NO IDEA why my mind is so FRICKING (love the Mormon swear words) MESSED UP! So get this: I had a dream in which my parents were having sex in front of me. (Can you hear it? The sound of me puking/dry heaving?) To this day, I literally get queezy just thinking about that dream. I think I may need some psychological expertise to help me cope with this trauma! It was awful. Just plain HORRIBLE! The worst part: I can't seem to rid myself of the memory. It just pops into my mind from time to time. I feel like I can finally understand what veterans go through with their flashbacks. I just start twitching and convulsing whenever I have an "episode." It's not pretty. Honestly, I will never be the same person after that dream. Okay, the dream does get a little worse. My dad was wearing leather. Yeah, my porn habits have come back to BITE ME IN THE ASS! DAMN IT!! If this is God's way of getting revenge for my porn viewing days, then I assure you he got it! UNCLE! UNCLE! I give! Just make this memory go away!

Thanks for listening to my horrible story. I must admit that I wasn't going to share this on my blog, but I decided to because I think the world should know exactly how effed up I am! Hopefully people don't stop reading my blog because of this disturbing story. I wouldn't blame you if decided to never visit this blog again. I told a friend in an email that exact same story, and I haven't heard from him since. Yeah, he's probably done with me forever. Run far and fast from this corrupted mind of Gay Mormon!! My mind needs a good thorough washing after that dream. Any brainwashers out there? I'm hiring.

But if you are a dream interpreter, please keep your comments to yourself! I don't need to know what this means. I've already read a few things from, and, to be quite frank, I was disturbed by the possible interpretations. Please don't share the disgusting meanings of this dream with me. Ignorance is bliss. Actually, my life is a living hell whenever those images flashback. But that's why I definitely DON'T need to know why I dream about horrible, horrible things.

Last thought, then I'm out. How do gay people meet people these days? (More importantly, how do gay Mormon people meet other gay people?) I just moved to a new city. I have no friends. I don't work with anyone whom I'd like to be friends with. What does one do? I said I'd try meeting people through church, but is there another way? Please, clue me in! I've thought about using the Internet to meet people, but that makes me a little nervous. I actually have two "hang out" offers from Internet peoples, but I'm hesitant.

That's it. That's all I've got for now. Sorry for the disturbing parts of this blog entry.


Blogger Dave Walter said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:31 AM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

Regarding the dream thing: Could it be that the message is that you need to realize that heterosexual sex is not for you?

Regarding meeting people, if you can't meet people in the Bay Area, you won't be able to meet them anywhere! But seriously, I don't understand why you've apparently ignored the suggestion to connect with other gay Mormons via Affirmation.

I was so concerned about you that I did some research to find an Affirmation contact in the Bay Area, and then e-mailed him and asked him to let you know that there is an Affirmation presence in the Bay Area. He responded by inviting you to e-mail him. That presents a wonderful opportunity for you. It mystifies me that you don't seem to recognize that.

I get the sense that you're at a place where I was when I, too, was struggling. There was a gay coming-out group where I lived (Washington, D.C.), but I just couldn't bring myself to call the group's phone number. The thought of having anything to do with an actual, organized group of gay people terrified me.

When I finally got over my fear, I called the number, went to a meeting of the group -- and experienced both indescribable relief and great happiness that I'd finally taken the step to connect with other gay people.

I hope you can get over your fear, too.


1:51 AM  
Blogger howller said...

As far as meeting other gay people goes, there are certainly forums where LDS gay people can discuss things, but they are not usually used to meet people. Regardless, there is Q-Saints at Yahoo Groups (a mix of attitudes towards the church), then there is Reconciliation, Family Fellowship, among others.

But gay chat rooms, on the other hand, are primarily used for the purpose of 'hooking up' (finding sex partners). I say 'primarily,' because some people do frequent chat rooms to simply chat and have on-line friends. Just be warned. You will mostly just meet people looking for sex. Don't let yourself get caught up in having casual sex. It can be addictive, and is very dangerous.

The first time I went into a gay bar I felt like everybody was looking at me, so I didn't stay long. There was a hefty drag queen who followed me out and yelled after me, "You know you want it!" I ran screaming down the street!

The second time I walked into a gay bar, the guy at the door had a handlebar mustache and a shirt that read "DADDY." At that point, I knew I had found a home. ;-)

There is a broad mix of people who frequent the gay clubs. Many don't drink at all. It's another good place to meet people.

There are also gay groups that share a common interest. It could be bowling, motorcycling, movie-going, outdoor adventuring. the local gay rags can point you in the right direction.

Then there is always the MCC congregation. That would be a good place to start.

9:35 PM  
Blogger Silus Grok said...


Posting about the dream and trying to forget it seem counter-productive to each other.


: )

8:11 AM  
Blogger el veneno said...

There is a good group on Yahoo called LDSSA or something like that where you could meet people. I talked to some of those people online for a long time then eventually they told me about people they knew who they thought I would click with.
I've talked online with dozens and dozens of people who have all been cool in their own way but I've only actually met a few in person. After meeting them in person I've only maintained contact with even fewer. It takes time, but eventually you'll find people who are right for you.

10:07 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home