Thursday, February 24, 2005

Past Roommates

I just found out that one of my former roommates dropped out of BYU and moved to California. Oh, my heart goes out to him. He is the only guy I’ve told about my homosexuality.

Last year I was struggling with my sexuality (really the same old story), and I was looking for someone to talk to about it. Then one day I was looking through the history on my Internet Explorer, and I noticed some gay personals sites. (At the time, my two roommates and I shared one computer.) I realized that I hadn’t been to any of the sites listed. Well, after some research, I found my roommate’s profile on one of the gay personals.

At first I was surprised, then happy. I really wanted to talk to someone with similar problems. I kept checking my history for about a month or so. Each time I found gay personals sites in it. I convinced myself that my roommate was in my same situation, so I decided to tell him about my struggles and hoped he would reciprocate. It took a few weeks to muster up the courage, but one day I caught him alone in the living room. I sat down and made small talk for a bit. I was very nervous. I remember my heart was beating very fast and hard. Finally, I just kind of blurted it out. I explained that I struggled with homosexual desires and that I needed someone to talk to about it because it was all pent up.

He was very accepting and understanding. He sat on the edge of his seat while I told him about my situation for a minute or two. He admitted to nothing. The conversation was rather short. I eventually asked if he had been looking at any personals sites on the Internet because I had found some questionable Web sites stored in my Internet’s history; he denied everything. I remember being angry because he outright lied to me. I could have easily taken him to the computer and showed him his profile on that gay Web site. Plus, I had just poured my heart out to him, why didn't he want to talk? I decided to let it go because it wasn't something he wanted to share. My hopes were shattered.

He agreed to keep our conversation in confidence, and I got up to leave. While on my way out, he stopped me and asked, “What have your church leaders said about your situation?” I replied that my church leaders have been very understanding because I have never acted on any of my desires. He just nodded and I left. I assume he has never talked to church leaders about his homosexual desires. I can't blame him; it's a scary thing the first time.

Anyhow, that was that. I never noticed another gay Web site in my Internet history. I wasn’t even attracted to the kid; I just wanted a friend to talk to about it – a friend who understood. I haven’t told anyone since then, barring my bishop.

I really feel bad for him. I know he is struggling just like me. Now he dropped out of school, moved to California (the Bay area) and is trying to get into a school down there. I wish him the best. I hope everything works out for him and that he finds happiness.

That reminds me of a fun habit one of my friends recently taught me. She said that she wishes everyone peace and happiness as she walks around campus. She just says in her mind, “I wish you happiness.” Every time I try it, it makes me happy. Kind of weird, but fun.


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