Comment on Me

I recently received an email from another Mormon guy who is gay. He and I have corresponded before. He made some interesting points – intriguing enough to make me reevaluate. I’m just going to paste the email right in here, and then I’ll discuss it at the end. I’ve edited out a couple identifying remarks, but besides that, the email is represented here in its entirety.

“I just read your entry from the 12th ... you are headed into bed with a guy soon, it sounds like. I think you hit on a key point with your comment about how, since you started your blog, your attraction to guys has only increased. It's because your blog is your way of living the lifestyle without living it. It's your wish book... know what I mean? Yes, there's the occasional testimony of the church, but it's typically the "courtesy" testimony, or a slight nod to your testimony. The real energy of your writing (and living) is in your "gay moments"-- looking at the conductor at "Wicked" and admiring his eyes, his shape, physique, movement, and perhaps even undressing him in your mind. Or it's in your comments about the conversation you had with that guy the other day after all the other guys left – and he knew you were gay. That's where your energy and wishes are ... Men have got your full attention right now.

Everything you're doing is leading [down the wrong path]. You're in New York City, for goodness sake! It's all around you. It sounds like you're not surrounded by many members of the church. A few, perhaps; but they don't know where you are most of the time. You're free to [do whatever you want].

What are you waiting for?!? Scared of the consequences? But you want it so badly!!

Consequences.

So, to avoid these consequences, you continue to live your fantasies in your mind, where you can create the actions without the consequences. It's nice, isn't it? But you're still jealous of all the guys in NYC who get to go to bed with their male partner every night and seem perfectly happy about it. Why can't you do that too???? It sucks, I know. Every night that you lay down to go to sleep there in NYC, within a 10 mile radius of you there are thousands of men doing what you dream of. Literally.

What am I saying by all of this? I don't know. You haven't looked at porn for weeks (perhaps more than a month now). And you jerk off rarely, and yet you still want guys.

So, what to do? I hope by this email I haven't talked you into going out and doing it with some guy.

I really want to say, "Get a clue!!! Stop what you're doing!" Taking baby steps into bed with a guy (instead of running into bed) doesn't make it O.K. And you're clearly taking baby steps right now, as an effort to "get used to the temperature of the water" as they say about boiling frogs.

I'm starting to meet with a counselor this week. He recommended a book to me by Jason Park: "Resolving Homosexual Issues: A Guide for LDS Men." Jason Park has apparently been through these issues and is now happily married with children. It looks like it may have some practical insights and advice into understanding these issues. I haven't bought the book yet, and I tend to question these types of books quite a bit. But I'm going to give some real effort into approaching it with an open mind and real consideration. I need to find the truth of these matters.

I'd recommend some counseling. It's very insightful. I've done it before (I don't remember if you have), and it's helpful to have someone outside of family, church, and social circles to discuss these things with. I'm sure they have some good ones there in NYC who have worked with many guys with these issues.

And, I would recommend that you either stop blogging, or change your approach to it. Just like you've stopped looking at porn and masturbating, make one more rule: don't mention your "gay moments" in your blog. When they happen, because they still will, just acknowledge them and move on. Don't go looking for them. And don't dwell on them. Make your blog a place to write down the good things you do or experience every day. Have it be a record of the good and uplifting/enlightening/truly beautiful things of NYC. There's lots of that there, even with all of the craziness that also exists there. Do that for two months, and only discuss your struggles about same-sex attraction with a counselor, your parents, or bishop. You'll still need to process those things and seek to understand them (you don't need to repress them), but we need to not dwell on them. There are so many other good things we need to spend energy and time on!

I think I need to follow my own advice, huh?”

Where do I begin? The author brought many valid issues to the forefront. First, he has a point that if I’m going to live the gay lifestyle, why I am I taking so long to make that transition. I need to make a hard decision on one side or the other. After all, I’ve noticed, and have openly acknowledged, that I am slowly slipping down that path that I have dreaded all my life, so I may as well commit to one side or the other. I don’t know … it just seems so difficult to do that. Slipping into it seems so much easier...

A good friend pointed out to me today that I only have to make the decision to be homosexual once, and then there’s no going back; whereas, I’ll have to make a conscious decision to be heterosexual each day of my life if I continue to pursue the heterosexual path. That doesn’t make getting up each morning any easier. :)

Regarding his comment about my references to the Church, I do admit and feel bad that I don’t write much about my religious convictions. I doubt this will change because references to my religious convictions are only relevant inasmuch as they relate to my homosexuality. I’ll have to start another blog if I want to devote more time and energy to my religious beliefs.

Regarding his suggestion of getting counseling, I’d love to participate, but I don’t have the funds right now. Counseling is not cheap for the college-aged person. :)

For the record, my homosexual desires are honestly not very sex-based. The emailer said I play out my fantasies in my mind and on my blog. He’s right that I do fantasize about gay men, but I assure you the fantasies have become cleaner and cleaner as time has passed. I really don’t even think of having sex with guys very often. I think of cuddling with a man, holding his hand and simply being with him. I don’t deny that I have sexual desires to be with men, but they really are secondary to the aforementioned desires. Perhaps I’m kidding myself, but that’s been my observation. How much time one spends with sexual fantasies is not easy to quantify. I’ll try to observe how much time I spend fantasizing about sex, and then I’ll report back. Perhaps the emailer’s point has nothing to do with the nature of the fantasies, but I just wanted to make it clear that my fantasies are relatively clean.

Okay, I’m done for today. Perhaps I’ll blog sometime later this week. In the mean time, I’m going to give some serious thought to the emailer’s comments...