Thursday, May 12, 2005

Wicked!!

So, tonight I went to the Broadway musical "Wicked." It was AMAZING!! I loved every minute! It’s definitely worth seeing! The best part is that I amazingly had front row tickets (we won the lottery, and so the tickets only cost $25--I know, I'm very lucky). I think I may have had another gay moment at the theater. You’re probably wondering why I might not be sure about something like that. Let me explain.

During the show I would occasionally get distracted by the conductor of the orchestra, who was less than 15 feet away from me, because he was very entertaining and good looking. Every once in a while we would make eye contact. I was very happy about the eye contact because he was this younger (early thirties probably), good-looking guy who could have passed for Italian. He was just absolutely beautiful – and he was cracking me up because he was singing all the lyrics to the play in a fun, joking manner. Anyway, a few times throughout the performance he would randomly look at me and smile. Afterward I really wanted to go say hello and tell him good job on his performance, but I was kind of on a date with a girl. That complicates things. :) After it finished, as I started walking away from my seat, I shot one last glance and we made eye contact and he gave me a total head nod and smile. Perhaps he just thought I was an adoring fan, but I didn't notice him giving glances to anyone else. I was so sad not being able to meet him.

Am I asking for trouble or what!!?? As time passes, the more I just want to be with a guy to try it out. Ahhhh! There was a time when I wouldn't have ever wanted this, but now I don't know if I could ever be satisfied not knowing what it’s like to be loved and held by a guy. I am in trouble! Rather, I am asking for trouble!! Ahhhhh!!!!

I have realized in recent weeks that since beginning my blog, I have become less and less commited to overcoming my homosexuality. It seems like I have gone down hill since I began, and I feel bad that my progress is so evident on the World Wide Web. All the stuff I’ve put on the Web is going to come back to bite me on the ace some day! Ha! It’s a risk I’m willing to take. It’s a very therapeutic thing for me. In any case, I just hope that my progress isn’t discouraging to any of you. I actually think I’ve made progress in some areas while I’ve regressed in others. It’s a win-lose situation.

For example, it has been more than two months since I looked at porn. Occasionally I have looked at some eye candy in speedos and underwear, but nothing hardcore – or even semi-hardcore. It’s funny because I didn’t even realize how long it had been. It just hasn’t been much of a temptation for me lately. Someone must be praying for me! Thanks Scott!

On the other hand, I seem to have even stronger desires now to be with men – but not really in a sexual way. The attraction is more toward the relationship and caring aspects of having a boyfriend. I would love to experience that. I just don’t know if I could resist the physical temptation if I got into such a situation.

I’ve also done well with masturbation. Until last Monday, I hadn’t masturbated in more than three weeks! I was somewhat impressed with myself. So much so that I was going to try for a temple recommend. However, after masturbating, I remembered how unworthy I am for the temple. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it back to the temple. I just can’t imagine the day when I’ll feel worthy to be there. Afterall, even when I was more worthy, I didn’t feel quite worthy enough. Oh, pitty, pitty me. Ha! I sound like such an idiot! I’m sure I’ll make it back to the temple. It’s just going to take some time. I just hope I don’t screw up between now and that time.

For the record, I love the church. I truly believe it’s God’s restored Church with apostles and prophets called to guide it. If I ever do anything to get myself excommunicated, I can only blame myself. Admittedly, some members (myself included) can be idiots, but the doctrines are pure and beautiful. It’s complicated, but if I do decide to live a homosexual lifestyle, I will be living that life with the knowledge that what I am doing is not what God would have me do. That’s what I believe. It’s very deeply engrained, as you can tell. Religion and beliefs run deeper than anything I know – otherwise, I would have thrown in the towel long ago. :) Good night!

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello,I am a newly visitor to your blog!! NEAT and sincere expression of your struggles & feelings.
I am in Argentina and I have also struggled with being gay & Mormon.
I am very religious and so I have the same feelings! Keep doing this and I will keep reading!
Love
Tiz

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow... I am looking through a time machine at myself, about 20 years ago. My whole life was the church and doing the "supposed" right thing. In fact during my missionary years + 1 year after, I didn't masturbate at all..... hard for my current friends to believe. Don't be too hard on yourself regarding this matter, after all it is a very natural behavior. I now regret losing those 3 years. It caused a lot of unnecessary worry and guilt. Not to mention a bit of pleasure!!

Fortunately, I came to terms with my sexuality. I have NOT been excommunicated even though I have had very candid and honest discussions with the Bishop. I am in a loving and caring relationship and have been for 11 years with another man, whom the Bishop has met. I don't attend church because I am not welcome there and the church in generaly is very hateful towards us. Why do I want to be a part of that? At this point I would not be upset if excommunication was in the cards. I know who I am and how I feel and I don't need the "blessing" of the church. I found your comment interesting about not involving a girl and how it would not be fair to her. As I expressed this identical sentiment to the Bishop, he responded that his brother in law had just left his sister because he is gay and how it destroyed MANY people. He agreed with my decision and his own personal situation is probably the reason he is not currently pursueing exing me. I am glad he is struggling with this issue as I have done for many years.
Good luck. I'm sure you will find your way through this at your own pace. It is a tough journey, but be true to yourself!!! God created you like this, don't turn your back on who you really are.

BTW, I expected to be disowned by my family and was prepared for that as well, but they are very supportive and have integrated my partner into the family as they did my siblings spouses. They may all surpise you!!

6:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good evening. i did a random google search that brought me to your website. as i read through your blogs, they are eerily similar to many journal entries i myself have written and have since destroyed. it is difficult being gay, mormon, and in utah, especially with the family unaware. i long to know male companionship. i wish you the best.

10:35 PM  
Anonymous SOPHIA, ST LOUIS said...

I was catching up on the latest, and I just have one feeling that surfaces each and everytime I do. I just love you! And I am sure Heavenly Father does too! I am still hoping you keep on keeping on, but wouldn't think less of you if you tired out at some point. We'll be praying for ya!

8:14 AM  
Blogger Dave said...

There's no way to overcome being gay because that's who you are. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he gave us these feelings. He loves us and wants us to be happy with who we are. When you come to accept that you will finally be happy.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Potentate said...

I wonder if you ever check your old posts for comments . . .

Anyway, weird. Like Tiz, I'm also gay, mormon, and in Argentina. I think I've hit on some more recent posts from this blog in the recent past, but I'm not sure. Time to find out.

4:44 PM  

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