Monday, May 09, 2005

Dropping My Beads

It’s been a while since I’ve posted! Wow! Time flies when you’re having fun in NYC!!! I [heart] NY!! I absolutely love it here. I think I could spend the rest of my life here and be very happy. It’s probably a premature judgment considering I have only lived here for two weeks – but nonetheless, I love it!

So I had an interesting experience this last week. I was sitting in the computer lab of my dorm building (where I sit typing this email right now), and I struck up a conversation with the guy sitting next to me. There were probably four or five people in the room, so we just had a normal conversation. While we were chatting, I noticed that he had some gay chat rooms open on his computer.

Finally, all the other people in the room left, and it was just he and I talking. He finally turns to me and says, “You like hanging with boys, don’t you.” I was so stunned by the question that I just admitted to it. Anyhow, we had a talk about being gay and being Mormon for about an hour or so. He said he could tell I was gay because he was gay as well. He reassured me that I wasn’t effeminate and that he could tell I was homosexual because it takes one to know one. Admittedly, he was very good looking, so I may have shown I was interested by the way I talked with him. I don’t know. It was weird though because I’ve NEVER had ANYONE confront me on my sexuality – okay, except for my sister. After our conversation in the lab, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to talk. I politely turned him down because I didn’t want to get myself in any trouble. I doubt anything would have happened because he said he never rushes into physical relationships with guys, but I didn’t want to risk it. I’m pretty weak and confused right now, so I didn’t even want to allow for the slightest possibility.

I realized from that conversation that it is very difficult for me to talk about my sexuality with others. I thought that I was okay talking about it, but it’s quite challenging. My voice was pretty shaky during our conversation, and my heart was thumping pretty hard. I think part of the problem was my attraction toward him. I’ve never talked to someone whom I’m attracted to about my homosexuality. Anyhow, I don’t think he’s interested in me, so there’s no chance of me getting into trouble with him. I sometimes regret not going with him to talk. Anyhow, that was the first time that I’ve talked to another attractive gay guy about being gay. Interesting experience – to say the least.

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