Nearly Three Weeks!!!

Wow! Life is great right now! I really feel good about things. It’s been nearly three weeks since I looked at porn. It’s also been nearly a week since I last masturbated! I feel like I’m making progress (for the time being). I am very nervous that I won’t be able to keep this up. I guess I should just chill out and go with the flow because I can only control the present. I have no idea how I’ll act in the future. That might seem silly, but I’ve been through this cycle one too many times, and I know I’ll run into tough times in the future where I’ll be tempted to look at porn and masturbate. There is a 95 percent chance that I’ll revert back to my sins sometime in the future.

o I lack faith for thinking that? Or am I just being realistic? I think I’m just being honest with my past. I’ve gone for two years without porn to then return to it. That’s pretty sad. Regardless of the amount of time I go without porn/masturbation, I always seem to return to it – like a dog to his vomit. I wish I could foresee my actions years ahead. I can’t.

In any case, I just want to say that I am so happy that I’ve not looked at porn for the past three weeks. I feel great. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I know I’m not happy looking at porn. I get a few seconds of pleasure, but the guilt that follows makes the pleasurable aspects null and void. I’ll be honest: I’m still very attracted to men. I watched the BYU v. Hawaii Men’s volleyball game tonight – some of those guys were extremely HOT. I can’t help but feel that attraction. I guess that’s what I worry about … will I ever be able to look at a good-looking guy without longing to be with him? I don’t know. Only time will tell …

Another plug for the covenant eyes program: it’s been a great blessing for me. I can’t say that I haven’t been tempted, but it has kept me very honest for the past three weeks. I haven’t found a service or program that rivals it – yet. I talked to my bishop about the program, and I asked if I could give a five-minute presentation on the program to all the bishops in our stake. He said he’d talk to the stake president about it. FYI: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints divides its members into wards and stakes based on geography. Ward membership falls between 200 and 500 members, and a stake consists of five to ten wards. Hence, in a typical stake, there are between 1,000 and 5,000 members. Each ward has a bishop that oversees the congregation, and each stake has a stake president.

Anyhow, I am excited about the possibility of presenting Covenant Eyes to them. I think it could be a very useful tool for some members. The bishop also asked me to present the program to our Elders’ Quorum. I’m a little more nervous about that prospect simply because I really don’t need or want the whole ward knowing about my porn addiction. It’s a rather embarrassing thing to deal with, don’t you think? I’m trying to decide if I need to get over my fear of having people judge me for my sins and just be honest with my fellow ward members about my porn addiction. I really hate that it’s such a taboo issue in Mormon culture. I haven’t decided what I’ll do. Any thoughts? Should I just be very transparent about the whole issue? Let me know.