Friday, March 18, 2005

Nearly Three Weeks!!!

Wow! Life is great right now! I really feel good about things. It’s been nearly three weeks since I looked at porn. It’s also been nearly a week since I last masturbated! I feel like I’m making progress (for the time being). I am very nervous that I won’t be able to keep this up. I guess I should just chill out and go with the flow because I can only control the present. I have no idea how I’ll act in the future. That might seem silly, but I’ve been through this cycle one too many times, and I know I’ll run into tough times in the future where I’ll be tempted to look at porn and masturbate. There is a 95 percent chance that I’ll revert back to my sins sometime in the future.

o I lack faith for thinking that? Or am I just being realistic? I think I’m just being honest with my past. I’ve gone for two years without porn to then return to it. That’s pretty sad. Regardless of the amount of time I go without porn/masturbation, I always seem to return to it – like a dog to his vomit. I wish I could foresee my actions years ahead. I can’t.

In any case, I just want to say that I am so happy that I’ve not looked at porn for the past three weeks. I feel great. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I know I’m not happy looking at porn. I get a few seconds of pleasure, but the guilt that follows makes the pleasurable aspects null and void. I’ll be honest: I’m still very attracted to men. I watched the BYU v. Hawaii Men’s volleyball game tonight – some of those guys were extremely HOT. I can’t help but feel that attraction. I guess that’s what I worry about … will I ever be able to look at a good-looking guy without longing to be with him? I don’t know. Only time will tell …

Another plug for the covenant eyes program: it’s been a great blessing for me. I can’t say that I haven’t been tempted, but it has kept me very honest for the past three weeks. I haven’t found a service or program that rivals it – yet. I talked to my bishop about the program, and I asked if I could give a five-minute presentation on the program to all the bishops in our stake. He said he’d talk to the stake president about it. FYI: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints divides its members into wards and stakes based on geography. Ward membership falls between 200 and 500 members, and a stake consists of five to ten wards. Hence, in a typical stake, there are between 1,000 and 5,000 members. Each ward has a bishop that oversees the congregation, and each stake has a stake president.

Anyhow, I am excited about the possibility of presenting Covenant Eyes to them. I think it could be a very useful tool for some members. The bishop also asked me to present the program to our Elders’ Quorum. I’m a little more nervous about that prospect simply because I really don’t need or want the whole ward knowing about my porn addiction. It’s a rather embarrassing thing to deal with, don’t you think? I’m trying to decide if I need to get over my fear of having people judge me for my sins and just be honest with my fellow ward members about my porn addiction. I really hate that it’s such a taboo issue in Mormon culture. I haven’t decided what I’ll do. Any thoughts? Should I just be very transparent about the whole issue? Let me know.


Blogger Patmos said...

very proud of you dude!!! Keep up the good work, and yes we will ALL have failures, but let us keep our eyes upon the author and FINISHER of our faith.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Yeayuhh123 said...

Wow, reading your blog inspired me..i have the exact same issues as you bothe the porn/masturbation and the attraction to men and i am mormon too. Thanks for posting something like this. Itt helps to know i'm not alone out there.

7:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are alot of us gay mormon republicans out there, I am not sure I would want to give up any one of them! You say that you are into politics, I am a precinct chair..getting ready to give ol Bennett the boot come the 8th!

1:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want you to know that your attraction to men isn't wrong or sinful. It is perfectly natural, and it is only be being honest with yourself about it that you will ever find true happiness. God will love you no matter who you love. I hope that you find happiness, and I hope that you come to terms with yourself and God soon.

9:30 AM  

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