Monday, March 28, 2005

Four Weeks and Counting!!!

It's been nearly four weeks since I've been into porn. I am very pleased with my progress, but I realize I still have a very long way to go. I just have to celebrate the small successes along the way.

However, I can't say that I've not been attracted to men over the past four weeks. Those feelings never seem to subside. Well, actually, sometimes they do.

Just yesterday, for example, I was traveling back from my parents' home (they live about two hours away from Provo), and I was longing to be with a guy in one of my classes. I was just miserable because I realized that not only is that kid straight, but my desire to be with him is not in line with what I believe. I had nowhere to turn, so I just poured out my heart in prayer. I told God how I am highly attracted to men, and how I feel caught in a trap because I can't act on my emotions, yet I don't know how to get rid of them. As I prayed, I felt my attraction toward that guy diminish. By the end of my prayer, I just felt at peace. It was a wonderful blessing from Heavenly Father. I told Him He could withdraw my homosexual tendencies from me permanently if He wanted; however, I have a feeling that won't happen. :) He knows what I need, and I think I struggle with these emotions for a reason.

In any case, I don’t know what to do about marriage. Though the church is very supportive of gay men who live a heterosexual lifestyle, I just don’t think it’s fair to those men’s poor wives. So, recently I’ve been contemplating living a celibate lifestyle. I don’t think I’d enjoy heterosexual sex anyway. What do you think? Could I do it? Could I live my life without being sexually active with either gender? I’m not saying it would be easy, but perhaps it is the best solution to a difficult problem. That way I can live my religion, but I don’t feel bad for bringing anyone else into my situation. A girl deserves a guy who is completely attracted to her and who is not constantly checking out guys. :)

I don’t know about the celibacy thing. I know for a fact that I would be very weak if some guy I am attracted to also found me attractive! I guarantee I would give into my desires to be with him. Is it bad that I say that?

Let’s just hope that David or T.S. (I used only his initials in order to protect his identity) never come onto me; otherwise, I’ll probably give in.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're absolutely right. A woman deserves to be fully loved and desired by her husband. Getting married would a poor decision for you and your wife. Celibacy would be a difficult road to commit to, but if you really want to live your religion than risking a potentially troubled marriage that would affect your wife and children.

9:10 AM  

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