Saturday, February 25, 2006

"Can I check out your place? I'm gay by the way."

The new life is good so far. I like the job. I like my temporary housing situation. I like my co-workers. I'm happy. Just thought I'd give you that quick update.

I must admit that I still hate looking for places to live. Somebody shoot me! I've actually run into a little problem: I don't know when to disclose my sexuality to potential roommates. Should I disclose it before looking at the place? While I'm at the place? After I move into a place?

I mean, I don't want them to think I'm trying to hide it from them, but at the same time I don't want them to discriminate against me or prejudge me for it. So far, I haven't told any of the places I've visited that I'm gay. I figure I can bring it up once I've moved in and gotten to know them a bit.

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't even have a place to live yet!

Nothing else is new. No new dates or relationships. Still feeling fairly asexual.

By the way, thanks for all the well wishes regarding my new job. Thanks!


Blogger CatchingWaterfalls said...

You don't need to tell them. If it comes up you can choose to confirm it, but unless you would feel the urge to tell them you were straight, there is no reason to need to tell them you are gay. It doesn't affect them.

11:50 AM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

I agree with catchingwaterfalls. Its not like you are out hooking up with ANYONE, let alone the whole town... so it wouldnt affect said roommate. And even if you were...its your business, unless you were in his face about it. I dont see this as a big problem... Just disclose this info when you feel comfortable doing so. Or you dont have to at all... the ball is in your court. Personally I'd just look to live with someone who is relaxed and who seems not too uptight or conservative, I guess. Remember... Balance is key!

11:02 AM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

I don't think you should hide your gayness, primarily because it puts extra stress on you. It's impossible to live with other people and not have conversations in which comments are influenced by one's sexual orientation. If a roommate, for example, remarks how hot a woman on TV is, are you prepared to alter your response to hide your homosexuality?

Wouldn't life with a roommate be so much more relaxing and enjoyable if he or she knew you were gay from the outset -- and welcomed you into the home knowing that?

You could always indirectly mention your gayness in a casual remark, like, "Yeah, I don't mind that this apartment isn't close to the gay bars, because I don't spend a lot of time in them, anyway." Or whatever.

If you get turned down because of your homosexuality, then a potentially uncomfortable and difficult living arrangement will have been avoided.

By the way, why don't you get a gay roommate?

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Dare said...

I have to agree with Dave on this one. The last thing you want is to feel trapped in your own home. Moving is a pain in the ass. So if your roommate turns out to be in intolerant of gay people, either you’re going to have to grin and bear it, or you’re going to have to move. Neither sounds like a particularly fun time to me.

I’d tell them in person, after you’ve had a chance to see them and the place. I’d say “I’m gay. Is that something you’re going to be comfortable with?” Judge their response immediately. If they look shocked, or they can’t think of what to say, I’d say you should probably move on. The best response of course would something like “I’m cool with that. My brother/father/best friend is gay!” But even if you don’t get that response, they can still turn out to be fine. You just need to be on the lookout for the signs of how they actually feel inside.

As to Dave’s suggestion, I think moving in with a gay male roommate can be a double-edged sword. If you’re *sure* there wont be any sexual tension, then fine. But in most cases that’s hard to know ahead of time. If feelings do arise, on either side, what started out as a simple space-sharing arrangement can end up getting quite complicated, even if there’s never anything physical to it. And then you’re back to grin and bear it, or move.

Back when he was in school, my partner had a lot of success rooming with lesbians. No sexual tension, plus a lot of common ground. Of course there are a lot of differences too. But assuming the two of you become friends, the differences can be enjoyable as well as educational. But watch out for that second date U-haul! :-) In fact, you should probably have a mutual agreement with anyone you live with as to when and how long significant others can stay over.

In any event, good luck with your search!

6:00 PM  

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