Monday, February 06, 2006

If I'm not hot and horny, I'm not feeling normal.

I've been thinking a lot about the lack of sexual interest I experienced while kissing TDH. Remember a long time ago when I said I thought my homosexuality was a product of my childhood experiences? For those who don't remember, I once opined that certain childhood experiences may have made me feel alienated by the male gender. Perhaps those small traumas left voids in my life, voids that I now seek to fill using male affection.

So now the following question: could it be that those voids were filled the other night? Albeit temporarily? Perhaps all I want is the closeness, the cuddling, the kissing. As long as I am feeling love and affection from men, perhaps I don't need the sex. Perhaps I really was just "sexualizing" my emotional needs. (That seems to be a catch phrase that many gay Mormons use these days.)

On the other hand, isn't that what heteros go through too? I mean, don't heterosexuals look for love and affection as well, but occasionally they sexualize those needs?

I don't know. I just find it extremely interesting that I wasn't as horny as I usually am. I've been feeling this way for some time now (probably about a month). I do go through these phases though. My sex drive just goes away for a few weeks. Well, I guess it hasn't completely disappeared because I do reflect fondly upon my first kiss with TDH several times every day. I loved it. Anyhow, I'm just trying to figure out the sexual side of things.

Who knows ... next week I might be humping the legs of all things male. In other words, I tend to go back and forth on these issues a lot.

Just a quick FYI: I haven't heard from TDH since last Thursday. I would call/message him, but I don't want to be too aggressive. I really don't know gay dating protocol. Who pursues whom? Do both pursue each other? So far, I've assumed the position of pursuee, but only because I am so new to this. I wouldn't even know how to be the pursuer.

By the way, thanks everyone for being so happy for me. I honestly haven't felt this good for a long while. I feel like the luckiest person alive right now. I really do feel extremely blessed (dare I use religious terminology when I'm "drinking damnation to my soul"?). I am really happy with how things have gone so far. I loved reading all of your comments regarding my first kiss. They were great!

Last comment for the night ... Gay Mormon's level of self-absorption (refer to the comment by "Four" on the previous post).

Though I'd like to think I'm not terribly self-absorbed, I probably am. It's hard to give yourself an honest assessment. I definitely think volunteer work and service give life meaning/purpose/fulfillment. I appreciate the reader's honest opinion of me, and I will certainly try to be less self-centered and to focus more on helping others. That should really be a lifetime pursuit for me, considering my natural desire is to focus all my attention on me.

Perhaps "Four" thinks I'm self-absorbed because I've been talking about working out lately. Just so you know, this lackluster body of mine is nothing to brag about. I've only begun working out in the last month, and I only mention that on my blog because it's the only joy I get from it – bragging rights. I think lifting weights is boring, but I – like most people in this world – want a nice body. Trust me though: I'm far from having that killer body. Unless you consider white flab "killer." I know I have muscles somewhere, but I'm just trying to find them. So you see, for me working out is really about self-discovery, not self-absorption or vanity. Ha!

Okay, maybe the reader has a point with his/her comment about my self-centeredness.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Scott said...

I wouldn't worry about your hornyness...or lack there of. Nervousness can play a large part in how horny you feel. I also wouldn't read too much into your lack of hornyness and whether you're gay or not.

Here's the test...you had your fist kiss...you're happy...you weren't digusted...

The answer to the test is not whether you're gay or not...it's whether you're ready or not for a more meaningful relationship that may or may not include sex.

~Scott

ps...white flab IS killer!

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never commented on a blog before but I recently found this one and after reading most of it I've been following it ever since.

The reason I decided to comment is I wanted to assure GM that he is normal. Many of the questions he is struggling with are the same ones I am too only from a christian perspective as opposed to mormon. Just because I disagree with many christians on homosexuality doesn't mean I can throw away all other moral priciples I've been taught. I think this is where GM was coming from when he was wondering about how far to go on a date.

On the horniness issue, it is natural for men to go through hormone cycles similar to a women's monthly cycle. Men's cycles generally aren't as noticeable or regular but there is still a natural fluctuation in hormone levels that cause increases and decreases in sex drive.

Finally on the self centeredness issue. If you read the blog form the beginning it starts out dealing with homosexuallity in general and what that means to a mormon and now that GM has dealt with that and is starting to explore relationships it is only natural that he is going to post things that are more personal. Those are the issues and level of emotions that he's dealing with at this point in his life. Besides some people do volunteer work for very selfish reasons.

Thank you GM for writing this blog. I know you probably do it to help yourself sort out your thoughts but as an added bonus it helps others see what someone else's take is on the issues they're dealing with.

M

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Eric said...

GM,
Glad to hear that you had a great date and got some lovin' in, even if you felt something was missing (over half hour kissing doesn't sound like a shabby night though).

Side note to Anonymous - Mormons are Christians... yep, all part of the big happy majority in America (the majority that still plays the 'persecuted' card every once in a while - leave that to us GAY Christians, please ;) ).

A couple of things. It's good that things with TDH are going well. You do sound like the pursuee, but you need to show a little reciprocation with the effort. It's a good thing to get called. Who called last? Him or you? There are still games played in gay dating but if you're interested, pursue.

Also, I have recently discovered your blog also, and I do have to admit that you have become a little eccentric and self-attentive as the posts draw present. It's not all bad, and kind of fun to read, but just try to stay positive and helpful to the internet wanderer inquiring about gay Mormons (maybe even for some help)... your blog shows up.

Anyway, keep up the good work and good luck with dating in general. Oh, and if TDH is as great as he sounds, you should definitely pursue - not stalk, lol - pursue.

Best.

8:51 PM  
Anonymous Dare said...

GM,

I don’t really get the ‘self-centered’ comment. I think it’s good for you to be wary of egotism. But I find it hard to image someone writing a personal blog that didn’t come off as self-centered to some degree. In fact the whole concept seems a bit oxymoronic (“Welcome to ‘You’, an entirely selfless personal blog!”).

Frankly I wouldn’t worry about appearing a little self-centered here. In fact, let me thank you for being sooo self-centered that you feel the need to broadcast your innermost thoughts for everyone to read. I for one have certainly enjoyed it! :-)

Dare

1:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill here:
GM you are not a selfish person at all. You have put other people's feelings ahead of his own feelings most of the time. Besides, it is really difficult to judge whether someone is self-absorbed or not when all you have to go on is an autobiogrphical weblog. The blog is about you and how you are dealing with life so, duh, it is easy to say you are self-absorbed. I am sure there are many more aspects of your life that the blog doesn't touch on that would show you're not self-centered.
As for your waning sex drive--it happens. I don't think it means anything in particular.
As for gay dating protocol--what do I know? I'm an "old married." I'd say, if you feel like sending TDH a friendly, "I'm thinking about you" message, you should do it. You may not know much about gay dating, but you do understand people and human nature. Follow your instincts; they're more accurate than you might think.

3:09 PM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

First off....the whole theory of social determinants of homosexuality is losing most of its momentum, as psychologists / clinicians are finding more and more evidence for biological reasons behind homosexuality. For instance, differences in brain structres- gay man seem to have some structures that are closer in size to that of women than to straight men. Hey, I 'feel' like I didn't have enough masculine influence in my life when I was a child. But, the arguments cannot be fully separated out- are you gay because you didnt get enough masculine influence, or did you not get enough masculine influence because you are gay and possibly acted different because of it? And what about all of the very straight-acting men, who had plenty of masculine influence? What explains that? ....anyways, back to the topic....

CALL TDH, TEXT him. Do something to show that you are interested, IF you indeed are. I realize this is a very nervewracking time for you. But I'm sure you will find that once you sort of open your self up...the sexual desire will come back. Its there. But also remember that you've been socialized to say that you shouldnt be attracted to men yada yada yada, and so your mind may be suppressing the attraction or sexual feelings out of the fear/ anxiety that has been instilled in you....

There's my psychological analysis for the day. :)

3:17 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

The reduction in horniness could be attributable to a great many reasons. I think you're right to simply regard it as "extremely interesting" and not dwell on it.

12:41 AM  

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