Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Constant Reminder

I went to church on Sunday after a two-week hiatus. I had such a good time. I immediately noticed the good, warm feelings I feel when I’m there. Some of you are thinking, “That’s the spirit of God, GM. Listen to it.” Others are thinking, “You’re just returning to a familiar place where you feel comfortable. Don’t get too excited about it.”

Regardless the explanation for the good vibes, I know I like them. It just reminded me that I like the church and that I don’t want to abandon it. To many Mormons’ disgust, I am still open to gay relationships. I’ll probably still go on dates with guys. Heck, I may even meet some special guy and decide to try out a longer-term relationship. Like I’ve said before, please do not judge the church based on me.

I just want the best of both worlds, dang it! We’ll see if I can have both worlds. Maybe I am just trying to serve two masters – and we all know how that works out. Damn it!


Blogger Elbow said...

I'm really really happy for you. I feel developmentally for a gay Mormon to go through this is essential.
I know that it will get harder for you the more you start dating and getting serious with guys, but if this is the road that you have to take in order to feel like you can be happy, then I am so proud of you.
I know you can make it work, I know that you can feel peace from going to Church and also expressing who you are.
Afterall, why should the other peices of you suffer just because you are now starting to develope a more clear understanding of your sexuality?
And why not work on your spirituality while working on other aspects of your life.
I sincerely care for you and want nothing but amazing things for your life.
Like I said, I am very proud of you and support any decision you make. You are still an inspiration to me in many many ways.
Hopefully we can talk soon.
Take care.

5:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been in your situation and have a couple of points to make:

1. Eventually you'll get to a point where you just don't fit in anymore at church. The older you become, the more you'll stand out; the LDS doctrine, programs, social structure and mindset are not supportive. You'll grow tired of being excluded and marginalized. The phrases "beating a dead horse" and "swimming against the current" come to mind.

2. Guys won't date you for very long unless you have sex. That's the way it is. It's a fantasy to believe you can be a virgin and have a relationship. The options seem to be thus: you'll either date guys OR be active LDS.

This is tough, believe me I know. There is no middle ground. I got to a point where I decided not to support their homophobia anymore. To do so is to abuse myself, and that isn't acceptable. I had lifelong depression while active LDS. It disappeared after saying goodbye.

We all deal with things in our own way. I still "want to believe," even 20 years later. But when I just read that Native Americans ("Lamanites") don't have any Isrealite DNA, it further pushed me away. The LDS apologists' explanations were way out in left field.

Be strong, we have to be to survive. You have plenty of support. I especially admire Hawaii Dave's perspective, isn't he affirming and wise?!

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will eventually have to make a decision to stay in the Church or leave it. To that extent, I agree with the “anonymous” comment above. I have chosen to stick with the Church because I believe I gain much more by being in the Church than I would by leaving the Church for a boyfriend.

The writer above is correct on this point as well: Males want sex. I would be surprised if you could “try out” a long-term relationship while keeping one foot in the Church.

I’m just trying to state the facts. Good luck to you!

12:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill here-

I don't think you should apologize to anyone for wanting a spiritual life and acknowledging your sexuality. However, eventually, based on the doctrine of the Church of LDS as I understand it, you can't have it both ways. Choosing to follow LDS doctrine will require that you marry a woman or spend the rest of your life a single man. I do not believe that gay people cannot have a relationship with God. I am just not sure the Mormon Church agrees with me.

3:15 PM  
Blogger el veneno said...

Have you tried finding other gay lds guys in your area? They can relate like none other and many share your same attitude about not wanting to shoot straight to sex. You can develop close friendships with these guys on an emotional level without feeling awkward at church. For that strategy is working right now. I hope you find what works for you.

10:15 AM  

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