More on sex (that should pique your interest)
Woah! First off, have you all been following other gay Mormon blogs lately? Some of them have taken a philosophical turn in recent weeks. Wow! I just finished reading a bunch of old posts on a few sites, and I have come to accept that my blog will never reach their level of philosophical sophistication. Wow!
I’ve thought a lot about all your comments on my last post. Thank you for commenting, by the way. Always a pleasure to hear from a few of you. Your thoughts really helped me define what I will do regarding sex with a guy. First, I agree that finding a guy who wants to wait for sex will be extremely tricky. I’m a minority within a minority – but aren’t we all in some way or another?
In any case, I don’t want to jump right into bed with a guy. I need to have a relatively stable and established relationship before sex can happen – i.e., he’s not screwing or dating other guys, he and I have been on more than two or three dates, and he sees potential for a long-term relationship. However, I have to honestly admit that I am pretty vulnerable right now. I can see myself “giving it up” just because I’m afraid “Mr. Amazing” is going to move on if I don’t. It bothers me that I even have thoughts like that.
Anyhow, I think I need to be careful because so many wrong motives are driving me toward a sexual relationship. For example, the fear that I am just getting older and uglier as time passes and that I need to capitalize on my youthful beauty. Ha! (I laugh because it’s such a stupid motive, but I actually have that thought run through my head occasionally.) Also, I fear that guys will not want to date someone as “inexperienced” as I, so I should practice up. Ha! (Promiscuous sex is always a good solution to one’s problems.)
Trust me: I know these fears are ridiculous and irrational. But that illustrates my point: I’m vulnerable right now and somewhat irrational. I need to take things slowly; otherwise, I’m going to come here and bitch and moan because I made some huge mistake! You don’t want me doing that now do you?
By the way, the reason I don’t want to jump into a sexual relationship is based partly in religion and partly in common fricking sense. As we all know, sex is a complicated thing. The Former Gay Spokesman of the World (a.k.a. the “Wise and Affirming” Hawaii Dave) said that in his comment on my last post. I personally believe that sex is one of the ultimate expressions of love. If, however, you do not love the person you’re screwing, then I believe it is meaningless, harmful (to one or both parties), and not a good idea. That’s why I do not want to have sex without an established, somewhat healthy relationship.
Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t know. I admit that my philosophy on sex is rooted in religion, but I feel it’s a pretty general approach to the issue. I think mainstream
I have a very difficult time believing that 50 percent to 60 percent of Mormons have pre-marital sex. Are these data collected on just active LDS? I feel like the number must be skewed. Regardless, I am feeling pretty damn good about myself for remaining a virgin till age 24! Look at that will power! (Ha! For those who don’t know, I don’t have will power.)
Regarding being out of touch with my feelings, I disagree. Yes, I may have had an erection when I was kissing TDH, but physiological responses don’t always mesh with psychological desires. The fact: I had no desire to go further with TDH. Call it “repression,” but I’m a pretty horny dude, generally speaking, and I think I was just having a non-horny night. I’m sure I won’t always be so lucky.
Anywho, thanks for the food for thought. By the way, I’ve got another gay date planned for Saturday. Should be fun. I think I'll just go all the way with him. I need to get some experience, after all.
posted by Gay Mormon at 2:51 AM
10 Comments:
GM,
I love you so much. Your posts are amazing to read. You have the perfect amount of flair and conflict all rolled into a very interesting and relevant entry.
I am so glad that you are on the earth, and that I can experience a small part of your life from your blog.
As for your immediate questions about "going all the way," just take it slow and take it with a case by case basis. The right thing will happen if you just take your time and don't stress about it. You are smart enough and introspective enough that you won't do anything crazy. Worry about having fun and being yourself. That will prove to be more valuable than concerning yourself with when to have sex, because in the moment you WILL be able to make the right decision.
As for the comment regarding whether or not mormons are having premarital sex: It may be interesting to look at the definition of sex. I wouldn't be surprised if the statistic is true if oral sex is included in this definition I went to BYU about 6 years ago. I'm a woman, and 3 out of 4 of my roomates throughout the years had oral sex or intercourse with their boyfriends. The funny thing is that had someone asked me if most mormons waited until marriage, I would have still said yes, because the idea is so ingrained in me, but in reality mormons are just as horny and impulsive as the rest of the 18-23 year olds out there!
But who really cares whether or not mormons or nonmormons are having sex? I think GM makes a good point about his reasonings for choosing to be intimate or not with a partner.
I can relate to feeling vulnerable. I think it's a blessing to feel vulnerable because those feelings can serve as a warning and protection. The way we act after we're warned is up to us.
ANY psychologist and sociologist will echo your comments about waiting to have sex. Study after study shows that people who wait to have sex until they are in a committed relationship are much happier and have much more success in their relationships. The list of benefits is long. Some studies go a step further and show the benefits or marriage above just a committed relationship.
Being selective about sex is religously sound, psychologically sound, and just plain common sense.
I enjoy reading your posts, and I follow your blog regularly. However, I have a question for you: How much do your readers really care about you?
They care enough to read your blog and some care enough to offer comments. A few care enough to offer very thoughtful, insightful comments. However, what would happen if you decided to end your blog and we never heard from you again? How much would any of your readers think of you next week? Next month? Next year? How sad would they be next week? Next month? Next year?
The people you come in contact with all the time care far more about you than any of your readers. I care, and I know others care. However, our level of caring about you must be minuscule compared to your family, friends, other loved ones, and maybe even co-workers.
If you were in an accident, who would be there for you? If you faced an untimely death, who would be at your funeral? God forbid any of these things happen, but I ask the questions to illustrate a point. Who cares the most about you in your life?
You seem to relish in the comments you receive on your blog. You seem quite connected to your readers. You make little mention to the other people in your life, their feelings, their thoughts, how you feel about them, etc. I hope you care much more about the people in your everyday life such as your family, friends, former roommates, co-workers, etc. I hope you aren’t using this blog as a crutch. Because when it comes down to it, who cares the MOST about you? I hope you take advice from people who care the most about you and whom you are POSITIVE have your best interest in mind.
Let me say I could be wrong. You may rely on your family and friends more than I realize, and you may simply not share that in your blog. I hope that’s the case. Regardless, I hope you understand my comments. Good luck!
Regarding the previous comment...
I think that many of the people here really do care about GM, and other bloggers they read about. When I give comments or advice, I give them uniformly- I try to be objective, I try to know the person inside and out as best I can. I try to show that I DO care. I think there are PLENTY of us bloggers who truly do care. I would absolutely hate to see GM or any of the GM community be upset or sad about something. Seeing negative posts does affect my emotions. So I think there is some emotional investment in all of this, because we all have a common, emotionally salient and strong bond... I think there are plenty of others who are the same way. Who says 'strangers' cant care?
Now, GM, regarding you 'sex' post: I think you should go out this weekend and lose your virginity like you said. haha, NOT. In all seriousness, I think you have a great outlook on this. Take it slowly, there's no pressure on you to do anything you dont want to. At the very least youre out there dating people and meeting people, unlike me, who is holed up in his APT all the time... lol. You're golden GM.
I found your post very interesting. It inspired me to write some thoughts of my own on my blog.
Thanks for the welcome and the blogging advice. I appreciate it.
Cody
Dear Gay Mormon: I'm happy that you have begun dating. You also have to remember that there are countless choices you can make, actions that you can take, between doing nothing physical at all with your dates and having sexual intercourse. And as you go on second and third and fourth dates with guys, there will normlly be some progression. If you were to date again that guy whose hand you pushed away from your crotch, he'd naturally expect you to eventually allow him to be caressing you there, and expect you to be caressing him there--while fully dressed at first, eventually touching each other without clothes being in the way. All of this sort of touching and giving pleasure to one another has to become part of your repertoire of actions. Relax! Enjoy the learning process. But alow it to happen. You are learning stuff a lot of teens (gay and straight) learn when they are 15, 16 years old. You need to change your thinking from, "I am doing something dirty" to "I am giving myself to someone I like" and "I want to give this person pleasure," and trying to make him feel good. It will all happen naturally. Whether or not you want to believe that the majority of Mormons engage in premarital sex isn't important (though if FAIR accepts that reality, it's probably true). Plenty of straight teens who are still technically virgins engage in deep petting on dates, in which they may bring each other to climax manually. You havern't had these sorts of experiences yet. It will be good for you to have them. It's not a big deal; t's all part of dating. The main thing is to date caring people with whom you can explore your sexual feelings. If your penis was erect hen you were kissing that guy, a part of you wanted it to be touched, and to do more (even if you moved his hand away, you have a good memory of his hand touching you there). It's all right to go a little farther the next time, you know.... I have one friend who, for religious reasons, has never had sex. She is now in her late 40s. I've known her since she was 18, and she is quite open. She does not believe in premarital sex, she says, and claims that she will save sex or when she will marry. But she doesnt even get dates, and will probably never marry, never have sex. After decades of telling herself "sex is immoral," I'm not sure she could switch off that inner voice even if she got married. It is sad, because she's missed experiencing basic human connections, and the warmth and joy that sex and love can bring. I would not want her fate to be yours. Having some experience with guys you like but don't love isn't necessaily bad. You could use a little experience. And if two guys like each other, and like what they're doing--even if they're not in love--they can still have experiences they find rewarding. Good luck!
Chip
I see that you're a student at BYU! (All hail Big Brother and the Thought Police). The obvious thing I want to comment on is your saying that you want to go all the way with a guy you're dating this weekend.
I'll tell you to be careful about your choices in this matter, because, as I'm sure you don't need reminding, BYU tends to look down on so much as same-sex kissing. If you're planning on leading a more "active" lifestyle that way...you may want to have your backup plans in place.
Of course, if you're graduating in April or August, you've just got to closet this info until then. Can't have the Thought Police (Honor Code Office) finding out about your exploits, now can we? They tend to get flustered and stern about this sort of thing. (I think they get flustered if opposite-gendered people flirt too much, to be honest...)
All in all, be careful, amigo
Quiet Mormon
I agree with Chip and disagree with Chris. But what bothers me somewhat is that we're all discussing sex in the first place.
In the best of all worlds, one in which religions and societies are not fundamentally antigay, sex would simply be embraced and enjoyed as the pleasurable human behavior that it is. (Not that there wouldn't be limits.)
By the way, GM, I posted a blog entry on Wednesday that may (or may not) be useful to you.
To the anonymous poster who gave the Nazi salute to BYU---
What the freak?
First off, GM doesn't go to BYU.
Second, "the thought police"? What is that supposed to mean? How does the BYU honor code monitor our thoughts?
The Honor Code is something WE sign. It's a code of integrity where we commit to do and not do certain things at BYU.
Yes, we should police our own thoughts as any good person ought but how does BYU do that? Are they in your head?
As far as your recommendations about being careful, that sounds so juvenile. If you go to BYU and have decided you don't want to live the standards you signed to then switch schools. I know plenty of people who have done it.
If you legitimately just mess up and make out or even have sex with a guy and you don't want to leave BYU then you ought to also commit to not do that again.
In the case of all of my friends who have done that, BYU has allowed them to stay.
Everyone loves to talk about this whole Big Brother thing at BYU and I really don't see it all. Maybe it was like that in the 70s. Ernest Wilkinson was kind of a fascist. But not today.
Let's not make the mistake of characterizing our friends as foes.
And GM-- Thanks for being so honest. The stuff you're going through is similar to what we all go through. Your posts always get me thinking.
Luck
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