Sunday, February 27, 2005


I’ve given up! I just realized today that my mindset is one who has thrown in the towel. Let me explain…

I was sitting in church today enjoying the meetings, when I started to look around for good-looking guys. I know, not the most appropriate place to check out hot guys. Nonetheless, I realized that I really wasn’t feeling attracted to any guys – even the guys whom I usually long for. These moods come every once in a while. Usually I enjoy them because I feel like I’m making progress; however, this time I was kind of disappointed that I wasn’t finding pleasure in looking at hot guys.

Holy Shit! (I usually don’t use those types of words, so you know I’m surprised!) I just got off the phone with my sister; she just confronted me about my sexuality! That was crazy. She was telling me how one of her friends was asking how I was doing, and then her friend asked if I was dating anyone. It dawned on my sister at that moment that I have never had a serious girlfriend in my entire life. She joked to her friend that I was gay, but then she decided she wanted to make sure I wasn’t.

She called me up, told me how her friend had asked about me, and then explained that people naturally think a person is gay if he isn’t dating or hasn’t dated someone seriously by the age of 24. Anyhow, I just laughed at each comment, but never denied being gay. Then she finally realized that I was avoiding her question. She called me on it!

“You’ve been skirting my question,” she said. “Now tell me: are you really gay?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me this! Please!” I said, still laughing and hoping she would drop it.

“I just need assurance that you’re not gay,” she said. “Now, answer the question.”

That's when it happened! That's when I did what I’ve never had to do before! I LIED to her about my sexuality! Ahhhh! I told her I’m not gay. I still feel kind of bad about lying to her, but it’s what she wanted to hear. Is that reason enough to lie about it? I just don’t know what good it would do her to know that I am gay.

I really wasn’t prepared for that conversation. Plus, she was half joking through the whole thing, so I didn’t know how serious she was about it until she forced me to answer. After I told her that I wasn’t gay, she said, “I know, I don’t think you’re gay.” Yeah, right, you don’t think I’m gay! Why else would you ever ask someone that question? Anyhow, I don’t know what to do now. Should I tell her soon that I really am gay? Would that make things better? Would that help the situation? Would that do any good or bad? I don’t know. Any thoughts?

Anyhow, I was saying how I was disappointed by not being attracted to guys during church. The fact that I didn’t enjoy the moment like I usually did is evidence to me that I want to be gay – that I want to give up the fight and just have a homosexual sexual identity. Anyhow, that story was shot to pieces by my sister’s bombshell! Holy crap! I’ll write about it later. I’ve got to figure things out for a second.

P.S. Sorry about the swear word. I used it only to express how I really felt at the moment.


Blogger Patmos said...

3 Words..... Bless Your Heart!!!

10:54 AM  

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