Thursday, March 10, 2005

Breaking the Habit -- The Beginning

Just a quick note: I’m doing well with my porn addiction! Since I installed the Covenant Eyes program, I have not looked at porn on the Internet. I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now. I don’t know why; it’s only been a week and two days! Ha. Baby steps, right? (I love the movie, “What About Bob?”) I can’t guarantee that I’ll never look at porn again because I’ll probably run into it, but I just want to start the long process of breaking the porn addiction. A week here, a month there – that’s all I can ask for at this point.

I haven’t been as successful with masturbation. I’ve masturbated a few times since installing the software, but I haven’t done it as frequently, so that’s good.

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much. I just feel really swamped right now.

Also, I made a friend with one of my blog readers. He struggles with porn like I do, and so we’ve decided to work together toward overcoming our porn addiction. We’ll see what happens. If you have any good ideas on how to break porn habits or masturbation habits, let me know!

As a final note, I thought I'd mention that going without porn certainly has increased my desire to be with men. That's a crappy side effect. I've found myself checking out guys more over the past week. I'll have to figure something out to deal with that side effect. :) Any suggestions?

Got to read some more for a class. Thanks for reading!

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahem...well...I am...a Mormon also and a strong strong believer at that...

However...

I also struggle with pornography...

I pray about it and sometimes that helps...but it's not enought...I want to stop it totally...So I can prove my love for God and prove to God my love for the lady I love. She doesn't KNOW I love her yet...but ahh...yeah well I guess I should straighten up before I tell her, eh?

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is how i think about it:

I thought back to when I was young, asking myself "When was the first time i remember being attracted to a another guy even if i didn't know what it was at the time?"

Then I asked myself, was it sexual attraction? The answer: Not sexual. Reflecting on it i realised the first time i remember was when i saw a young teenage couple on TV and analysing what i remember feeling i found i actually had the attraction to them BEING A COUPLE. Not one or the other.
Before that age I was too young and didn't have a complex mind to be sexually attracted to anything.

So there was that first incident. Then it happened again. And again. And again. Over and over. Eventually my mind grew more complex as I learned more things while growing up. I thought... There's always a guy in the picture when I have that feeling. Why? So that developed more. I attributed it to the males. But was it really?

Suddenly, at 12 years old, I had a liking for boys with pretty faces. At that time i was also going through puberty, so I equated it sexually. So i thought i must be gay.

But really... if i had never heard of a gay person before. If i didn't have that notion of men being with other men, I wouldn't have thought "Am I gay?" Would I?

I would have just thought something like, "He's a handsome guy. I wanna be his friend." Or something. I would have had a strong attraction, but i never would have considered it meant i wanted to be with him sexually.

So I developed a notion and thought over time those feelings evolved and eventually i the attraction became sexual in nature.

But is it really MY attraction? Because as i baby i didn't have that notion. My mind was pure. As i grew up I learned from things around me, and people/ family, about all these things; all these notions.

So really, am I really gay? or is it just a post-natally concieved notion I developed from associating feelings with what i was seeing?

Think about it? Isn't just PREFERRING one sex to the other? I'm sure with different childhood experiences I would have turned out to be just as attracted to boobs etc.

So think about it that way. Whenever you get that urge to look at porn, think to yourself, It's not MY feeling. It's demons interfering with me becoming pure, trying to stop me from going to heaven. Seeing as you're religious i'm sure that's not a concept you could reject?

10:23 PM  

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