Friday, March 17, 2006

I love my Mormon bishop.

The guilt left after I slept on it. I woke up feeling normal. However, I did learn a lesson from my feelings of guilt -- I am going to slow things down. We'll see how he reacts to this. I really like the guy. He's great. He's a very genuine person. I like that about him. And of course he's good-looking, smart, successful, etc. That helps too.

However, he just graduated med school, and he will be doing his residency in St. Louis. He just foud out today that he didn't get "matched" with the program locally. That stinks. Now our relationship has an expiration date. He asked me if I would still hang out with him, despite the expiration date. I said yes. I don't know what else to say. I mean, yes, it sucks that he won't be around after June, but I am enjoying the time I am spending with him right now.

That brings me to my next dilemma ... if I know that nothing long-term is possible, then should I give him my virginity? I've decided, no. We'll see if I stick to it. I personally would like to tell all my family members before I lose my virginity. Why? Because I know they will all ask: "Have you done anything with a guy?" I want to be able to say, "Just make out."

That might be a stupid wish, but I think it would be harder for them if they found out I've been sleeping with guys. I'm positive that would be tougher for them to deal with. I really want the news to be as gentle as possible for them. But who knows when I'll get around to telling them (I want to do it in person, and I'm currently living out of state), so that wish might not come true.

By the way, I talked to my current bishop about my homosexuality last Sunday. It went extremely well. He is such a loving, caring man! I don't even hardly know the guy, but he really was wonderful. Of course, he wants me to live a celibate lifestyle, but his motives are based in love. He only wishes that for me because he truly believes that's what's best for me. Who knows ... celibacy may very well be the best option. I don't know.

Nonetheless, I was very honest and direct with him. I told him that I would have a hard time living a life alone, and that I will probably continue to date guys. He was as understanding as a straight bishop could be. He pointed out that I would have a very difficult time remaining active in the church while living a gay life. He's right. He said he is really happy I haven't stopped going to church, and he encouraged me to continue onward. I really loved talking to him. Like I said, I've only had positive experiences with bishops. I feel so bad for the few gay Mormons who have had negative experiences. I feel like those bishops are a small percentage of all Mormon bishops, but I could be wrong. I only say that because I've told 5 bishops/stake presidents, and I've only received kind, love-based counsel from them. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm blessed.

Either way, thank God for Mormon bishops!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will need to decide how you will give the most special, intimate part of yourself to other people. Since I am religious, I believe that part of you has a special spiritual component as well. Once you give someone your all, you can't take it back, and you will face all the corresponding consequences with that decision.

1:50 AM  
Blogger Elbow said...

Once again, let me say that I love you, and I love reading what your life is like.
I am sorry that you are faced with this guilt and these choices, but you are doing the right thing.
I am extreemely glad that your bishop was supportive, and I am happy that you are able to still rely on the Church for some of your spiritual needs.
Like I've always said, just be honest, let this guy know what's going on in your heart and mind. He will understand if he is a good guy. And if he is leaving then maybe it's an opportunity to just make a really great friend.
Continue learning and exploring, just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons (whatever those reasons may be for you).

5:35 AM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...


regarding this and the previous posts.... I really wouldnt worry about what you 'lost' last night... in fact it kinda shows how much you like him. When I read what happened, I just thought 'awww'. lol...ok I wont embarass you anymore... I agree with the take it slow notion, and the guy hopefully will understand. It does suck that he will leave in June, but at the same time, you never know what can happen between now and then. You're doing well, I'm proud of you.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Frequent Poster said...

Most people who follow your blog fit into one of two categories. They either encourage you to act on your gay feelings or they encourage you to follow your moral upbringing and suggest there is a better way.

Why would a religious person post comments on your blog?

--Using your own words, you have been born to “the best family ever.”
--You have had great experiences in your church.
--You have been taught right and wrong.
--You have had spiritual experiences.
--You know what your parents and siblings think about your different options.
--You know what God thinks (from the LDS point of view).
--You have your Mormon bishops and local leaders who care.
--Your church has a prophet and apostles to guide you.
--You have your conscious to guide you.
--You have the Holy Spirit to warn you and to help you.

Why should a religious person make a comment on your blog? If you turn your back on all these other things, why would a comment by a random religious person have any influence on you? You know the religious viewpoint. You say you enjoy comments, but it seems you simply seek out comments from the first group to validate your actions.

Am I mad at you? No. Am I disappointed and/or frustrated with myself? Yes. I let my pride think my comments could have a positive impact on you. I failed to remember that God loves you perfectly and much more than I do, and your family cares tons more that I can care. I failed to remember that the Spirit constantly tries to lead you as well as the Light of Christ. I was prideful to think my comments would have an impact if you disregard these other things.

Is my logic wrong? Why should a religious person post on your blog?

9:39 AM  
Anonymous Scott said...


I glad you're feeling normal again =)

Should you lose your viginity to this guy? Don't know. Only you can answer that question. That being said, why does moving to St. Louis place an expiration date on this relationship? People move all the time, and who's to say that in June, you wouldn't want to move with him? Maybe that's moving fast...but only you can answer that.

Just keep in mind that there's no reason you both can't get to know each other better, and decide where to go from there.

Just don't close yourself off to possibilities.


9:46 AM  
Blogger David said...

I'm glad you are living in the present, rather than shutting the door just because he will be moving away.

Because I know they will all ask: "Have you done anything with a guy?" I want to be able to say, "Just make out."

How do you know that they are going to ask you that? I don't think anyone asked me that type of question, especially not my family. My Dad did approach the subject once, but I told him that I had no intentions of talking about my sex life (or lack thereof) with my parents, to which my Mom replied, "I wouldn't talk about sex with my Parents either."

It just seems like a very personal question, and very inappropriate coming from most of the people in my life. Family members have asked me if I am being safe and protecting myself, which I feel is more appropriate. I suppose the bottom line to my thinking is that if you wouldn't want to answer a question yourself it's probably not a question you should be asking someone else.

Anyway, glad you are enjoying life!

3:55 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

Anonymous said: "Once you give someone your all, you can't take it back...."

Why would you want to take it back? Give someone your all, joyfully, and if things don't work out, be happy that at least you did give it your all. And the next time, give it your all again.

GM: I think you're thinking too much. Sometimes you just need to let life unfold. Actually, I believe we'd all be happier if we just let life unfold most the time.

If, in any situation, you act according to your best judgment at that moment, then you should have nothing to feel guilty about afterward.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a heterosexual Christian female and stumbled across your blog. I love it!! What a wonderful, genuine man!

I am not here to judge, I have many gay friends and a few in my family.

I do, however, want to say (no I actually beg), please don't sleep with this guy. Like you said, it is your first relationship, just a few dates, but please consider many things. You felt the guilt when you lost something in your pants (your words, not mine), think of the guilt you will feel when you lose your virginity and then your boyfriend hops on a plane and goes to St. Louis and pursues his career (or other relationships) You are so on the right track here, don't let one relationship blind the fact that you are trying very hard to have a meaningful relationship before losing your virginity. I know it means a lot to you, so keep it that way. I know you have desires of the flesh, just like everyone else does, but please pray about it!

I feel guilty writing this because I was not a virgin when I got married to my wonderful husband, but now that I am older and wiser (34 today haha), I see how wrong it was and how I wished I had only shared that with the one and only true love in my life and how very special that would be. Please consider this, you will be so happy and so proud of yourself if you actually succeed at this one goal you have set yourself.

I will pray for you. Stay true to who you are! I absolutely love reading your blog, you are unbelievable man!!

Thanks for considering this!

8:49 AM  

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