Sunday, March 19, 2006

My First Gay Relationship (actually, my first relationship period)

We had the best day today! He picked me up at 9:45 a.m. We went to breakfast together, and then we drove to the ocean (the car ride was so nice). At the ocean, we walked along the coastline and admired the beautiful scenery. After the ocean and some hiking around, we went back to the city and ate dinner. After dinner, we watched a movie together and made out. It was just a wonderful day!

So I guess we're dating. It's nice. I'm very unfamiliar with the ins and outs of dating. Regardless, I feel like it's moving a little quickly, as I mentioned last time. I told him I wanted to slow things down, and he said he is fine with that. Of course, this discussion took place after I "lost" something -- DHing. Don't worry. I am still a virgin ... technically. It's just way too easy for me to lose it ... he hasn't lost anything to date. ha!! It's obvious I'm the virgin.

Anyhow, I told him how I felt that my virginity is something very special and that I don't want to rush into losing it with a guy I've only dated for 1.5 weeks. He said he agreed that it's a big deal, and he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with. He's so fricking understanding! That's half the reason why he's so endearing.

I really like this guy. I'm excited to date him. I do get nervous, though, because he makes references to "our" future together quite a bit. Don't get me wrong -- he's great! I just don't think it's good for us to be talking about the long term after only 10 days of knowing each other. :) Plus, I'm scared of commitment, and this is my first relationship. I just need to go slowly.

I must admit that I'm a little sad about things. Why? Because I realize I am taking very formal steps away from the church. Sigh. I don't want to do that. I really do love the church. More importanly, I love my family. I don't want a boyfriend to complicate all of that.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that after losing it tonight, I was thinking, "I could totally go without this." Sure, having a boyfriend would be great on many levels. But I think relationships are inherently complicated, and sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. The celibacy really seemed doable tonight.

Okay, I'm starting to ramble. Good night. It's late for me.


Blogger Dave said...

You know from the onset that your relationship will end in June. I'm glad that you've decided to just enjoy each other's company. You'll be getting experience dealing with relationships and the next man you find you'll feel even more comfortable. And I'm glad you found a doctor, I have a soft spot for them. ;)

4:56 AM  
Blogger Gay LDS Actor said...

Boy, do I understand where you're coming from when you say you really like this guy, but you also have strong feelings about the church and your family that are in conflict with that. I'm still trying to figure this all out for myself. One thing I do know is that I love my religion, my family, and the guy I'm currently seeing very much. So I need to figure out what I'm going to do about that, which is certainly no easy task.
And I agree that relationships are complicated (and this one is no exception), but for the first time in a long, long time, I am in love again and feel so happy to have someone I really love and can share with in my life, and the complication of the relationship makes it all worth it.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You may feel you love our religion--but does our religion love you? I've been reading in the news about a Mormon who is getting excommunicated because he married his boyfriend (legally) in Canada. First the Church encouraged him to resign, which he did not want to do (he too loves his church). Now the church is excommunicating him. The Mormon church has never treated its gay members nicely, and the seemingly nice Bishops you've known most likely will, if push comes to shove, simply follow whatever current church policy is. The Monmon church is a man-made instititution--a church for straight people. It is unfortunoate the church is so hostile to gay people--but that is the church's problem to deal with. You can't chahge it. As you live true to yourself, the distance between the church and you will grow. It's inevitable.

3:33 PM  
Blogger el veneno said...

Yes the church loves you... doh. All these bitter people who spend their lives trying to characterize the church as some evil institution really bug me. Try going to church. Talk to a bishop. It's not that bad...

Anyway, I just want to say that I can so completely understand your feelings. They are real feelings and they're your feelings so don't ignore them. I think it's ironic that the same people who tell you to accept your latent homosexual feelings are so quick to tell you to ignore your feelings for the church or your suddent thoughts that maybe celibacy wouldn't be so bad. I'm not saying either one is right cause honestly I'm at the exact same point as you and equally confused. All I'm saying is they are ALL real feelings.

7:34 PM  
Anonymous Chip said...

I don't think all critics of the church are bitter. Just realistic. The people who post here tend to fall into two categories--those who hope that "Gay Momon" can have the same sort of experiences of sexual, emotional, anmd romantic fulfillment that most human beings (gay or straight) experience, and those who urge him to repress his sexual and emotional feelings--forever. And that sort of counsel (which the church, alas, tends to offer) simply does not work for most people. The desire for sexual, emotional, and romantic fulfillment is so basic, so fundamentally a part of who we are as human beings, that I don't think urging someone to live a life of celibacy (unless that person has a conistent, burning desire for it) is realistic. Especially since most people who urge celibcy for Gay Mormon don't choose celibacy for themselves. Gay Mormon wants no more and no less than what most people want.And he's entitled to it. Yes, it is natural for him to experience temporary pangs of guilt and some backsliding, and temporary wonderings of "should I choose celibacy," even as he is moving forward, and exploring his sexuality more. That is common. But you are on the right track, Gay Mormon. You kinda like this doctor, he kinda likes you. There is no harm in seeing where this takes you. Let those hands roam where they will, above and below the clothes; you are two consenting adults. It is presumptuous for anyone to write that your relationship wll end when the doctor moves. Who knows if it will even last until then, or if you will want it to end just because he moves. Having a long-distance relationship is not out of the question. Nor is your moving to be with him, if you decide you like him. But don't take him for granted, or the relationhip for granted. You are lucky you two have found each other. Finding a nice person you're attracted to isn't always easy. Enjoy each other's company. If you want to avoid spilling your seed so quickly, masturbate before your date. You can also talk with him about it, and tell him next time you want to brong him to climax before you climax. You can caress him without him reciprocting, and bring him off first. So you won't always be in a pattern of you ejaculating quickly, without him ejacultating at all. I'm glad you two are so comfortable with each other, I'm just offering a bit of practical advce I'd offer to any couple (gay or straight) in a situation where one person is coming to climax quickly and the other is not.

8:12 PM  
Blogger -L- said...

Hey Chip, I guess I missed the whole "camp" of people urging GayMormon to suppress his sexual feelings forever. Huh. Where are they again?

You speak of entitlement (I'll resist arguing that). And the unrealistic possibility of celibacy (I'll resist arguing that). Yes, how dare people suggest GayMormon consider their moral viewpoint... as you go ahead and urge him to take yours with your graphic suggestions that violate some of the restraint he has so far decided for himself.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Chi said...

Dear L: If you've missed the people urging Gsy Mormon to repress his sexual feelings forever and choose a life of celibacy, go back and read the posts and the commnts from the beginning. i've been there since the beginning. of course people can urge any moral point of view they like. but the reason so many gay people leave the Mormon church is that what the mormon church urges them to do--deny their sexual and emotional nature--doesn't work well for them. And hat some of us wish forGay Momon is simply that he find the joys of human companionship most of us, gay or straight, find I dn;t blame you from shying away from debting points where you realize your arguments are weak.

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

L: Do you think celibacy is a realistic option for Gay Mormon? It seems pretty clear that he started this blog because of all the problems, beginning with depression, lonliness, md anxuiety, that trying to live a celibate Mormon lifestyle was bringing him. If it was working for him, he wouldn't be here. Is he happier now that he's coming out, dating guys? Obviously. He says he is "technically" still a virgin. The "technically" part will be probably history before too long. That is the direction he's choosing, and God bless him for having the courage to go out with someone he cares about. I don't hea anyone urging hm to abandon all restraint, simply urging him to take the normal next steps in petting that most people take as they grow more intimate with a partner.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Rob said...

My dear G.M.: Hello from Rob. It's been a while since I've checked in. It's nice to see that you seem more joyful, relaxed, and adventurous than when you first started posting. And foming relationship. With someone you LIKE. That is great. I think you're on the right path, and I'm proud of you. I've had some gay Mormon acuaintances who've tried to live as straight men, feeling lonelier after sex with wives they should not have married. Be glad you're not in that trap, or trying vaninly to seek "conversion therapy" whensimply accepting yourself works. I take it you still believ in the Church. (For me, there were too many scientific problems, and historical problems, and doctrinal problems for me to believe it was the"one true Church," but i respect whatever choices you make there. And wish you and your feller all the bes. That date sounds wonderful. You are lucky to have found someone who is interested in being with YOU, in spending a day with YOU. It's very cool. And you wouldn't have had that wonderful day had you not decided to act on your feelings.. It's a good direction you're choosing.... Good luck... Rob

9:55 PM  
Blogger -L- said...

Dear Chi and anonymous:
some of us wish forGay Momon is simply that he find the joys of human companionship
I haven't seen any comment that wishes anything other than this. GM can be celibate for now if he so chooses without looking forward to being celibate [ominously] FOREVER!!!!!!! as the bible thumping legion of previous posters have been demanding.

Happiness is a tricky thing, and I'm not surprised that the dates are going well. The question is how they'll figure in to happiness in the future--including after death. During the past couple weeks I've become acquainted with dozens of gay mormon men who have advice on that topic from their own experiences--both good and bad. There's just a surprisingly one-sided show of opinion on these comments (unless, apparently, I go do some extensive research in earlier posts where I can find that other "camp").

8:26 PM  

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