Friday, April 28, 2006

And then there were ten minutes of silence...

Tonight’s conversation really wasn’t much of a conversation. We had gone out for dinner and a movie (a stupid one at that – American Dreamz sucks), and then we had driven home in silence. Despite the silence, I think the 20-minute ride was one of the shortest in my life. I hate being the bearer of bad news.

However, I don’t think he was surprised. Neither of us was. It was just a conversation that we had to have. Again, it wasn’t much of a conversation.

He pulled up in front of my place, and we just sat there in silence for several minutes. Both of us knew what was coming. After a few minutes, I finally broke the ice. (I knew he wouldn’t – the sucker!) I said:

“Doc, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the awkwardness tonight. I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling it anymore.”

A few moments of silence.

Me: “What are your thoughts?”

Doc: “Yeah, I think I started to notice just before I left town.”

Me: “Yeah, I agree.”

More silence.

Me: “The question now is how do we proceed?”

We both gave each other awkward smiles, indicating that neither really knows the best way.

More silence.

Me: “I wish I didn’t have every break-up cliché known to man running through my head ... let’s just be friends ... I think you’re a great guy ... I hope you find your dream guy ... I will always remember the good times.”

A chuckle from the doc. More silence. A lot more silence. For ten minutes, we just sat in silence holding each other’s hand. So, that’s what happens when two dudes break up. No communication at all. Actually, the silence said enough, and I don’t think either of us wanted to interrupt it.

No tears were shed. No emotions were really expressed (because a two-month relationship is so difficult to get over -- ha!). We just went through what we both knew was coming. I thought I could stick with the relationship until he left town for his residency, but I just couldn’t handle the awkwardness any longer. I knew that I wasn’t that emotionally connected to him. That's all I knew.

I don’t know how emotionally connected he was to me. It’s hard to judge because just yesterday he was texting things like, “I care about you a lot” and “I miss you so much.” But then tonight he didn’t seem that affected. I hope he wasn’t.

After 10 minutes of silence (which is a damn long time ... try sitting in a parked car for ten minutes straight without saying a word ... you’ll see how long that is!), I asked again:

“So, how do we proceed?”

“I would hope we can still be friends.”

“I want that too.”

So, there you have it. We ended our relationship like nearly every other couple on earth – as just friends. I actually think it will be easier for me to be friends with him now that we’ve had that talk. Now I won’t feel any guilt for not being that “into” him. I look forward to keeping in touch with him – if it happens.

Honestly, all the cliché things I thought and said to him – they were all true. He really is a phenomenal guy. He’s nice. He’s successful. He’s funny. He’s grounded. He’s cute. I really do wish him the best. I hope we stay in touch. But only time will tell ...

And, of course, once time tells me, I’ll tell the world wide web.


Blogger Dave Walter said...

Except for the sex aspect, your first "relationship" was very much the same as my first "relationship" -- even down to the awkward silence in the car at the breakup point.

In my case, it turned out I had simply been infatuated with the guy, and the infatuation wore off. I wonder whether infatuation is what you experienced.

Anyway, you parted well. No screaming, nothing thrown, no decorative glassware shattered.

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you are new to dating (as you are) it is not unusual to opt to bail from a relationship as soon as things are a bit awkward. But as you get more experience, you may choose to not act so precipitously. Because all relationships--gay or straight--have ups and downs, and libidos wax and wane. You told him, "I'm just not feeling it any more." You might have been wiser to have told him, "I'm just not feeling it right now." And not have broken up. That way, if your feelings changed again in a week or two or three, you wouldn't have foreclosed your options. And maybe in a few weeks you will feel what you felt a few weeks ago. Maybe not. But ALL couples have times when they don't feel that romantic/sexual attraction or spark. And as you get more experience, you might not move so swiftly to dump (at the first sign of trouble) someone you've liked. If you dump people too fast, you can invite unneeded loneliness, and unhappiness. Maybe it WAS over. But maybe giving it a few more weeks, to talk things through, and hang out without any hanky panky, would have been wiser. There can be any number of reasons you might not feel it right now; but feelings can come back.

12:12 AM  
Blogger ilaughyellow said...

sometimes cliched isnt cliched
if you didnt mean for it to be cliched.

sometimes my idiotic profound thoughts boggle my own mind.

good luck on your search.
i hope the last line eventually reads: "happily ever after."

2:58 AM  

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