Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Back and forth, back and forth ... anyone sea sick yet?

The doc and I just finished fooling around. How do I feel? Hmmm. Not guilty (it sounds like I'm in court). In other words, I don't feel bad about our little hanky panky. Maybe disappointed is the word. I'm not saying I didn't have fun ... I did. I’m just trying to figure out why I feel the way I do after any sort of intimacy.

Possible explanations :

1 - Maybe my expectations for gay intimacy are too high.

2 - Perhaps this means I don't have strong enough feelings for the doc.
3 - Maybe I’m overanalyzing these emotions and giving too much credence to one experience.
4 - Prepare yourself for this possible explanation ... Maybe this means gay intimacy isn't worth it. (Gasp!) Perhaps the church is right ... (Double Gasp!)

To be completely fair and honest with myself and with the rest of the world, I can't rule that last one out. As you all know, I still believe in many of the church’s doctrines, and the jury is still out on many others.

Does this mean I am going to run out and marry a woman? No. Does it mean I am going to live a celibate lifestyle? No. It simply means I am still figuring things out. It’s been nearly 1.5 years since beginning this blog, and I’m still unsure of so much. Sometimes I feel like I’m letting some of you down by constantly oscillating from one side to the other. But then I think, “These are my problems, damn it! I can oscillate if I want to!”

Switching gears ...

A friend asked if I feel inhibited to write about personal things now that I know my brother and his wife are reading this. I’ll admit that it’s a little awkward – after all, I do write quite candidly here. Nonetheless, I’ve been very open with them, and I would tell these things to their faces if they were to ask me. So, no, I don’t feel too inhibited knowing that they are reading this. They don’t have to read it if it’s over the top for them.

Plus, I’ve been trying to avoid giving too many details about personal experiences – just relevant details. Heck, if people wanted to read a porno story, they could hit up one of a billion other sites. They don’t need to hear about my pathetic experiences to get off. Ha!

Others asked if I fear that my bro and his wife might reveal my blog to others. No, I don’t fear that. They love and respect me, and they know that I want this to be as anonymous as possible. I trust them completely and know they will honor my wishes.

Gotta love my family!


Blogger Elbow said...

I'm not sea-sick at all. I'm totally along for the ride, and I think that I know exactly how you feel. I'm not the most consistant person there is and I of course go back and forth as well. I guess that's part of life, and/or part of "struggling" with the cards that we've been delt.
I respect you so much. I think you are doing such a good job at weighing the good with the bad, and trying to make the best fit for your life.
Your (our) situation is not easy, and yet you are involving those you love, not being scared to see what is on the other side of your argument, and really trying to be the best person that you can be in all of this.
Keep oscillating, and keep trying on different perspectives. I have your back. And from the sound of it, there are a lot more people who support you no matter what you decide.
Talk to you soon.

5:45 AM  
Anonymous tbirdguy58 said...

During the 21 years since my "first time", my attempts at achieving intimacy and fulfillment with men have never met expectations. In my opinion, men suck at intimacy. Plenty of "straight" people have the same luck so I don't blame anything on being gay. Of course the church does, but they've shown to have an anti-gay bias.

Regarding the veracity of the church, faith is what keeps the truth alive. The more I've dug into the facts, the less I've been able to keep the faith going. But that's where I'm at. We all have our way of handling dissonance.

I admire the way you handle your family. Your life and your blog are definitely YOUR business! If only we could all be that strong!!You're right where many of us are or have been, oscillation and all. Your caution is an inspiration. Take comfort knowing you're in "good company" :)

7:37 AM  
Blogger Gay LDS Actor said...

My gosh! Have you read my blog lately? Talk about oscillating! Don't apologize. These are complicated issues. I'm still trying to sort mine out as well. Hope we both figure out things soon. Cheers!

8:05 AM  
Blogger el veneno said...

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I'm glad to know other people are going through the same stuff. Yeah, I think I should make some firm decisions. Today I'm decided one way, last weekend I was decided another.... oh well. Life is still a lot of fun and I haven't completely ruined anything yet. Maybe someday we'll all grow up.

4:37 PM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

Oh, the oscillating / vacillating between chrurch and not- church is something thats common to many of us. Including me. I totally get you... I think eventually you will find out what you want. Right now though I think you're unsure and maybe just not ready to decide what you want...we're all scared. We dont know what lies ahead, either on earth or after we die. We're taught to be fearful, and thats what we are....

7:46 PM  
Blogger David said...

Physical expressions of love or lust or possibly just curiousity are rarely what we expect them to be. Feelings and thoughts do not have to match up with each other. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say, but I know I had to go back and rethink the whole courting process when it didn't involve girls anymore. I've found that my preconceived notions about courtship and getting to know someone physically were extremely idealistic. Good luck as you try and figure it out for yourself.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

GM, I think it's telling that your list of possible explanations doesn't include the effects of your religious beliefs on your experiences of intimacy.

Regarding overanalyzing: Yes, I believe you are doing that. If, after every date and every intimate moment, you do an analysis, then it seems as if you'll end up robbing yourself of the ability to be totally present in the moment, and of the ability to simply allow life to unfold without critiquing each experience to see how it measures up.

Also, your previous posts, reflecting fondness for and contentment with the doc are followed by your post above, which doesn't reflect any emotions about the doc, the person. I'm somewhat mystified by that, because I don't believe it's explained by vacillation between being true to one's gay self and following church dictates.

I don't know; I'm getting the impression your interactions with the doc are more experiments than experiences.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous BB said...

Here's my (unsolicited) thoughts. GM, you've been "into" porn. And you *may* have had some sort of Grand Expectation of what your first time was going to be like. It's like the old romance movies; true love is *NEVER* like it is in the movies and true intimacy is never going to be what it's like in the stories and movies you may have seen. Yes, "fooling around" can be fun (and it apparently was for you) but I don't think it's reasonable to expect the fireworks after yer done.

12:12 AM  
Anonymous tbirdguy58 said...

It's me again. The comments about over-analyzing and having unrealistic expectations are dead-on and remind me of my ex. He did those things constantly. It felt like I was under a microscope (kind of like DW said, an experiment) and it eventually killed the relationship.

9:24 AM  
Blogger David said...

"Sometimes I feel like I’m letting some of you down by constantly oscillating from one side to the other."

GM, I hope you will pay attention to those people that want you to be happy for your happiness, not theirs. You can't let these people down as long as you're on a path that brings you joy.

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Chip said...

Dear Gay Mormon: Hello from Chip. You need never fear that you are letting any of your readers down. I don't come with expectations of presuppositions of what your experiences may be like. Life unfolds with lots of surprises for all of us. But it is common for people who begin dating (whether they are gay or straight) to date different people over time; the odds are against the first person you date being the one with whom the chemistry is most perfect, with whom the connection is the strongest. This "Doc" may be a good guy, but who knows--some subsequent dating partner may make more sparks fly. None of us can predict that. When I first came out, I had short-lived involvements with a few nice guys who really liked me, but nothing clicked or felt more than pleasant. Then I met a guy who became my boyfriend for six years, and it was like a whole 'nother order of magnitude. But even with him, the closeness grew over a couple of years, and the passion took time to develop fully. But we connected more, from the start, than the fellows I'd dated earlier. Youi simply may have more chemistry with some people you date than others. (And we remain tight friends today, even if the romnce ended long ago.) You can't read too much into how early experiences with your first partner are. Give it time. (Incidentally, besides all the possibilities you mentioned, there is also a possibility that years of repression have muffled your feelings somewhat, and it may take time--and for some people, also help from a therapist or caring lover--to become less inhibited emotionally amd sexually. I am NOT saying that is the case with you; just that that is a possibility.)

Many heterosexual gals, when surveyed, incidentally, report that their first sexual experiences were disappointing, and much less rewarding than later ones. Some things just take time. Good luck. I'm happy you guys are dating and enjoying each other's company.

1:48 AM  
Anonymous K. C. Broadbent said...

Dear G.M.: I find the dynamics between your bossy, moralistic older brother and fascinating--and much as a number of birth-order studies would ten to predict. Older brothers are more likely to score higher in such traits as tough-mindedness and moralistic thinking (and to seem more stereotypically "masculine"), while younge brothers are more likely to score higher in such traits as tender-heartedness and empathy, and to have personalities that have more feminine qualities generally. The more older brothers one has, the higher the chance a person has of being homosexual. There have been lots of studies on the effects of birth order on personality, done by researchers starting with different premises, with surprisingly consistent results. Here is just one paper (which includes references to assorted others) that I've found interesting. You might find, G.M., that you can relate to it, that the differences in personality we see so clearly here between you and your more overbearing, rigid older brother are consistent with various studies.

Anyone interested in learning more on birth-order studies, there are plenty of other papers to read.

1:23 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

I'm new to this blogging gig, but GM: I want you to know that your story (and experience or experimentation) has been a refreshing inspiration and has spurred me to open up and share about my own oscillation.

My current situation (gay/married/ LDS)is so rough at sea that I spend most of the time hanging onto the railing trying not to lose it all... You seem to be doing fine, even if the seas may be getting rougher ahead. Just hang on!

12:28 PM  
Blogger el veneno said...

GM-- where you at? Hopefully all good. I'm sure you'll have some stories when you get back.

Honestly, it's good to see you not posting so much cause I imagine that means you can sort stuff out on your own with the real people in your life and I imagine you're kind of caught up in the real world (which is a good place to be caught up in).

9:36 PM  

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