Monday, June 19, 2006

Happy Father's Day!

Why do I always decide to blog at 2 a.m.? Damn myself.

I just finished up a really great weekend! I couldn’t be more pleased. I did a lot of dancing. I had a friend visit from out of town. I hung out with some cool new gay Mormon fellas -- three to be exact. It really was a good weekend all together.

Saturday night the gay Mormons and I went out for dinner. (By the way, they are all good-looking guys, but the one is especially attractive to me. Don’t worry: he’s not interested in me.) I have known the one guy for many months via IM. The other one I had met online, and he brought his gay Mormon friend along (that makes four of us). In any case, it was really nice. I really enjoy gay Mormons a lot.

I love all people, but I think it’s hard for gay people to understand me like other gay Mormons understand me. Does that make sense? It might just be my perception. Anyhow, two of the gay Mormons ended up coming to church with me today! Ha! The three of us sat on a row together, and I couldn’t help but laugh inside. I never thought I’d see the day when I would be sitting next to two gay Mormon dudes in sacrament meeting.

The gay church day got even BETTER when the high councilman delivered his inspired message on gay marriage! What are the odds of that happening on the one day I bring two gay friends to church with me? The speaker’s main topic was actually the sanctity of marriage or something, but of course he began by talking about gay marriage. It was very funny. I was chuckling to myself the whole time.

Horray for my new-found gay Mormon friends...

As for the rest of the day, I had dinner at my brother’s house. That was nice. And then I called my father for Father’s Day. Sigh. That brings up a whole other issue...

I've realized some things in recent months. This is a sad admission, but I've realized that I don’t really feel any warm, loving feelings for my father. I say I “love” him, but I don’t know that I do. I certainly RESPECT him. He’s a very strong person. He’s sacrificed so much for me and my family. I recognize that he has done an incredible job raising his family ... but I don’t feel emotionally attached to him.

I feel guilty even admitting all this. I mean, he has given me so much. I have never wanted for anything. And, please, don’t get me wrong: I appreciate and am so thankful for everything he has given me!! I just wish that we had a strong father-son bond. We don’t. We have a very cordial relationship. We speak on the phone, and we can talk about bland subjects like the weather, the status of my job, my latest car issues, etc., but it’s emotionless speech. We just go through the motions.

I used to want to improve it, but now I don’t even care. I consider it a lost cause. We’re different people (though we do share many common traits). We’ve just missed that window of opportunity for building a loving relationship. Now we must settle for our “pleasant” relationship. We get along fine, so I probably shouldn’t ask for more.

Heck, I don’t know many guys who have really loving relationships with their fathers anyway. Maybe that’s just the way life is between most fathers and sons. My expectations or perceptions of father-son relationships are probably too high.

My father is great. As the provider for my family, he has always performed like a champ! I really have never gone without. I feel very fortunate about that. More importantly, he has always been a great role model of integrity, strength, courage, and level-headedness. I am lucky to have the father I have. I really am. God bless him. I just wish I felt the same way I think... Does that make sense?

Honestly, though, that’s the story of my life: I feel one way; I think another.


Anonymous Foxx said...

Your expression of your relationship with your father reflects mine very closely. And it makes me wonder if the whole distant father argument is really a distant son issue.

I mean, as a gay baby boy, I'm going to think that guys are really fabulous. My definition of fabulous is going to be different from my (presumably) straight father. So he's going to fail my expectations. Growing up, there won't be much to talk about because hey, he doesn't understand me, and I don't understand him.

Er, sorry for the brain blather.

1:39 PM  
Blogger David said...

This is unrelated, but I read this article and thought of you and your brother Tim. You see, your homosexuality may have been all your older brother's fault. He took all the straight genes before you had a chance.

8:29 AM  
Blogger -L- said...

So, I'm on really good terms with my dad now, and haven't ever been on bad terms. But I'm with you on this because I don't really feel close to him. But then, he's kind of a unique guy. I sometimes wonder if anyone feels close to him other than my mom.

But your post also made me worry about my relationship with my son. He's just a little toddler, but I want more than anything to be close to him. I practically worship the kid. Fatherhood is scary stuff.

6:40 PM  

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