Monday, June 05, 2006

Michael Soldier

I’m a sketchy person. It’s official. My recent behaviors have proven this to myself. I’ve been reluctant to blog about my sketchiness because it’s a little embarrassing, but I’ve blogged about a lot of embarrassing things, so I decided I shouldn’t let the embarrassment factor hold me back. Plus, my sketchiness provides for a pretty damn funny story, so I can’t hold back.

So, I occasionally – okay, often or frequently might be more accurate – go to Craigslist.org to browse the “Men Seeking Men” area of the site. This little game started as a just a game. In fact, I was introduced to it as such. A friend (the doc, actually) showed me the site, and we would laugh at all the really sketchy ads.

For those of you who don’t know this already, Craigslist’s personals are not about relationships. They are about quick hookups. That’s it. As such, people say the most ridiculous/inappropriate/funny things on their ads.

Anyhow, I would go and look through the ads and laugh at them. Then I got to the point where I’d find the rare good-looking guy. Of course, I’d be very tempted to email. Eventually, I caved to the temptation and did email one or two of the guys, knowing the entire time that I wouldn’t likely enjoy a quick hookup. Why? Because I know I am just trying to fulfill deeper needs through sketchy sexual encounters.

Well, one of the guys emailed me back. It was short: “What are you doing tonight?” Or something to that effect. I couldn’t meet up with him that night. Though a little disappointed, I was relieved because I’ve never done a random hookup. Hell, I’ve never hooked up period.

The next night it was the same story – short email asking what I was doing that night. I emailed him back a few times, trying to figure out his expectations of the encounter. I wasn’t prepared to lose my virginity to a random guy, so if he wanted sex, he could count me out. I found out he just wanted to exchange massages and jo together (or at least that’s what he said). This is so sketchy. I know. I told you I’m sketchy.

In any case, I told him I’d be in the city very late (though in actuality I had no plans to go in). That night, I left some friends’ house at 1:30 a.m. I drove immediately into the city (a 30-minute drive), leaving my phone open with his number on the screen.

When I got to the city, I drove to the gay district. I parked my car and sat. I had to think things through. What was I doing? Was I really going to get a massage with some random guy from Craigslist?

While sitting in my car, a guy walking down the sidewalk made eye contact with me. He stopped outside my car, bent down, and looked in the window. I made eye contact again, but then I just looked away. He was alright looking, but I was NOT going to pick up some manwhore from the street. I’ll meet some random person off the Internet for a quickie, but I will not let random dudes off the street get into my car. I have standards, damn it. (Rolling my eyes)

The guy just stood outside my door for five minutes. It was an awkward five minutes, characterized by me looking out the opposite window and pretending to talk on the phone. He wouldn’t leave. I actually had to drive down the street a few blocks and park again in order to think in peace.

I sat in my new parking space for twenty minutes thinking. Contemplating. Finally my logic kicked in. I concluded that my whole intention of going to the city for a hookup was wrong on many, many levels – consider the health risks, the safety risks, and the emotional risks to name a few of the wrong aspects. More importantly, I re-realized that I want more than a hook up (something I've known all along).

I threw my car into drive and went home. I didn’t call Mr. Massage.

I’ve said it many times on this Website, but I'll say it again: I want a meaningful relationship with a guy. By meeting random guys, I am just trying to fulfill unmet needs through less-than-healthy means. And, by golly, if I do decide to hook up with someone, it’s going to be after I get to know the person a bit. I just can’t do it in the typical Craigslist’s way.

I drove home with a very real sense of satisfaction – perhaps greater satisfaction than I would have experienced had I gone through with my intentions.

Well, you think the story ends here ... nope. It gets better.

So I came home, and the next night I was explaining to DCTwistedLife via IM my experience from the night before. He asked to see the guy’s ad, which I shared with him gladly. Suddenly, DCTwisted announced excitedly that this guy has a Web site ... a not-so-kid-oriented Web site, if you know what I mean. What? How did he find this site?

DCTwisted did what I SHOULD have done from the very beginning: he googled the guy’s name. I had figured the guy was using a fake name, so I hadn't bothered. Anyhow, funny enough, when you google the guy’s name, up pops a porn site with his name on it. We just thought it must be a funny coincidence. This guy must have chosen a porn star’s name to use on Craigslist ads.

Then DCTwisted started SHOUTING (writing in CAPS):

“THE EMAIL ADDRESS IS THE SAME!!!!”

This is just too classic to be real. Hahaha! Indeed, the email address the guy had used with me was the SAME as the email address on the porn site!!! Come to find out, this guy I nearly got a massage from is a porn star of sorts! What are the odds!?

It’s funny because he even advertises massage services on his site. He must really like giving/receiving them. (And I could have gotten one for free! Dang! Business must be tough right now.)

Anyhow, I was a little flattered that a porn star hit me up for a massage night. But I wasn’t flattered that he has probably been with an innumerable amount of men. That might be an unfair assumption. I might just be stereotyping – I'm sure there are virgin porn stars out there. To his credit, he had even told me in an email that he wasn’t interested in sex ... just massage and jo.

For the curious, the guy’s site is www.michaelsoldier.com. BE WARNED: HIS SITE IS PORNOGRAPHIC!!!! (Now you see why I didn't take his name seriously ... Michael Soldier!)

I laugh at this experience, but I learned a very valuable lesson: I am a sketchy person and I need to be careful.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Ender said...

Wow. I cannot believe that happened: You said 'golly.' ;)

10:28 AM  
Anonymous alexgarcia said...

If you ever must be sketchy and hook up with someone. FOR GOODNESS SAKES dont do craigslist. Those are like the shady of shady people. Quickway to get herpes or some other std. If you must hook up try myspace, its acleaner then craigslist.

Just keepin it real
:)

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Mike Kessler said...

I admit this might not be the perfect time to pop a comment into your blog. It's just that I only started reading it today, less than an hour ago. Yes, it's possible to meet nice gay guys in respectable ways. You can even meet nice guys online -- that's how I met my husband, though we actually first began chatting because he was coming out, and in the entire time (a couple of months) we chatted online, we never discussed sex and I never expected we'd meet in person, let alone get married. But that's another story. Oh, and I hope your brother isn't always a jerk. I haven't read your entire blog + comments but what I've read of what he's said so far is, to put it very mildly, terribly insensitive.

9:44 PM  
Blogger -L- said...

I went to a personals site once and a trucker tried to pick me up. Ha! I don't know what kind of image "trucker" puts in your head, but I thought it had a lot of bad potential.

Once when I was at BYU I was going to go and meet and hang out with a guy in SLC who sounded pretty cool. He sounded interested in me. My car broke down on I-15. I took it as a sign. Never met him. :) Turns out I'm not so good at the whole finding gay friends thing. And I suppose that turned out well for me afterall.

10:30 PM  

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