Safe Attraction
“I'm convinced that when we are unsure of ourselves, as in my case, we tend to be attracted to those that we know deep down aren't attracted to us in the same way - for there is safety there, something that keeps the barriers up so that we don't really have to struggle with the hard questions of proceeding in a relationship, because we know that the attraction is one-sided. It's happened to me constantly. I'm attracted to the guy that will never by attracted to me. It's a game. It's full of fantasy but not reality. You know why? Because, it's safe.” ~ Beck
That is deep. I had never really considered it. When I first read it, I thought to myself, “Beck is full of shit.” But then I started thinking about my situation. Indeed, this is a safe attraction. Indeed, this is a completely irrational attraction. Maybe Beck is onto something.
Honestly, my attraction to this dude is so unfounded. Yet, I’m still attracted to him. It simply doesn’t make sense on so many levels. And I RECOGNIZE this! Yet, I’m still attracted to him. I HATE feeling this way. HATE.
So what do I do? It’s obvious that we won’t ever date. Yet, he wants to be friends and hang out. However, I hate how I feel when I’m around him because he just stirs way too many feelings. But he is fun. And we have mutual friends. So I can’t just stop hanging out with him.
So I tell myself to just treat him like any other friend. But I end up overanalyzing everything he says and everything I say. I start strategizing. I think about my next “move” and how to “react” to his moves. It’s horrible. I end up not being myself and just being retarded.
I feel trapped. I seriously thought about just moving out of the state. But that’s when I knew I had reached a new level of crazy! I couldn’t believe that I even let that thought run through my head! I’m so effing ridiculous! Why am I letting this person affect me?
Perhaps it’s because it’s a safe attraction. I don’t know. But I don’t like it. And if you have suggestions for changing things, let me know. I hate how I’m handling this right now.
posted by Gay Mormon at 2:10 AM
2 Comments:
I think it might be helpful for you to label him, once and for all, as permanently unavailable from a sexual intimacy perspective. Once you do that, you should be able to get past this awkward phase you're in.
What you're experiencing isn't uncommon. I've gone through it three times that I can remember off the top of my head. Twice, guys were attracted to me but I wasn't into them. The other time, I was attracted big-time to a guy who wasn't interested in me. In all three instances, once it became clear that no sex was going to occur, comfortable and lasting frienships resulted. The attraction didn't disappear (why would it?), but there was no sexual tension.
Oh, I just remembered a fourth time. At 2 a.m. on a residential street near a gay bar, a friend yelled out, "But I love you, Dave!" Talk about awkward. However, we remained good friends; he just needed to know that there was a sexual boundary that couldn't be crossed.
Now that my memory is stoked, I'm remembering other instances, such as one in which I timidly suggested I'd like to get intimate with a guy, and he responded, "It's not going to happen."
Notice the common thread: Communication. Don't play games, changing your personality when you're around him. Be yourself. Talk to him. It's not as if he's going to think you're a freak or something. If he does, move to Nevada. ; )
GM, once you get better acquainted with your new gay life, this well all get easier.
I completely agree with what you've written here. My experience is almost identical. Attraction has a way of making a complete fool out of me around certain men who otherwise I could perhaps be great friends with.
I agree with DW that mentally accepting him as unavailable will help you not obsess over him and therefore be more natural and become friends with him.
It has occurred to me that the unavailability of the men I'm most attracted to has kept me "out of trouble" a zillion times. Since that's consistent with my goals, I'm glad. I still do my best to be friends, but it can be hard just as you've described.
And who knows? Maybe once you become even better friends, he may become more interested in you and you will have moved on and started pursuing others. Ha! :)
[GM now is thinking to himself: "L is full of shit."]
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