Saturday, October 06, 2007

Druggy McDruggerson

I'm not giving up on the question. The rhetorical question, that is. I've realized recently that I always avoid using rhetorical questions in my writing because that's what I was taught to do. I'm now changing my mind - because that's what people do ... we change our minds. I'm using rhetorical questions going forward. Is it such a bad thing, really?

See! It flows. That's my soapbox for right now. I was just thinking about that randomly before I logged on. Anyhow ...

So I have been "out" for nearly two years now, and I must say that my life is good. In the past two years, I've experienced a lot in the gay world: Pride parades, Folsom street fairs, hookups, clubs, alcohol, drag queens, etc. But one aspect of gaydom that I've always avoided is drugs. Now I don't judge - or at least I try not to - because I have some friends who like some coke from time to time. People can live however they want, and I respect that.

Nonetheless, for me and for myself, I've chosen not to get involved. I might be naive and silly, but drugs are scary to me. (I feel like a 5th grader saying that. ha!) They really are. Additionally, I see them as a destructive influence in people's lives, and I really don't feel like I need them. I get enough pleasure and enjoyment from life and from the legal drugs -- namely, alcohol.

Yet, drug use is pretty prevalent in the gay world. I've been really fortunate in that most of my friends don't do any drugs. However, one of my closest friends loves coke, and he does it fairly often. He usually reserves his coke usage for weekends, which I guess is better than daily use. Like I said before, people are free to live their lives how they want, and I'm going to love him regardless.

I just get so frustrated when he tries to involve me. He used to just do it behind my back -- which I preferred -- but for the past two weekends he's been doing it openly and in front of me. Last weekend he asked me to drive him to his dealer (I hate that he has a dealer), and at first I was going along with it. Then half way into the ride, I just snapped. Something hit me and I realized that I was just too close and too involved. I don't like his coke usage, and I don't want him to do it, and I don't want him to think I support him. So right then, in the middle of the intersection of the Tenderloin, I flipped a U-turn and told him I wasn't going to take him.

I just don't want to support him in it. Am I a terrible friend? My little rebellion did no good -- he still got the coke. And he will always get his cocaine, regardless of what I do.

I just refuse to be a part of it, and he gets pissed because of it. He makes me feel like a bad friend and I hate it. I hate that I feel bad about not driving him to his dealer. I hate that he trash talks me to his best friend (whom I adore) because I don't just drive him to his dealer.

I told him he just needs to plan ahead and get his coke before we go out. Obviously I can't stop him from getting or using it, but he can at least keep me out of it.

Alright. Going to bed. I just wanted to vent. Why do so many gay men do drugs? Grrr.


Blogger playasinmar said...

"Why do so many gay men do drugs?"

Because so many gay men are unhappy. Because of negative stresses at work, in the family, or where-have-you, many gay men are sad.

Instead of finding A) happiness or B) medication they find illegal, mood-altering drugs.

"I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar." -Lindsay Funke

5:12 AM  
Blogger iwonder said...

There is much truth to be found in the witty banter of Arrested Development.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gm--Bill here. Glad to see you're writing again.

Sexuality is not a choice but drug use is. If you choose not to do drugs then more power to you. I came of age in the 70's and I experimented with LSD, coke and pot. Then I moved on.

You are 100% correct to refuse to drive your friend to meet his dealer. Why should you dabble in risky behavior just because he does?

Take care!

2:58 PM  
Blogger vance said...

Oh please. We live to judge!

Well, if it's any consolation, I've lived in Toronto or Montreal all my life. You can smell pot in the air in Montreal, it's that open. Yet, my last time I was with friends of friends (happened to be in NY but TO is the same), they asked me if I wanted Coke while out partying. I seriously said "cola?".

I realised about 2 seconds after (and not even as I said it) how square I was.

And to be honest, I like it that way.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Good for your for recognizing that enabling a drug habit and friendship are not the same thing. Unfortunately, it seems as though your friend doesn't quite understand the distinction. That's fundamentally his problem, not yours.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

I've had the same problem with a close friend of mine. I've taken him twice to his dealer to get pot. I really hat it. At least he knows enough not to smoke it in front of me and he knows I will never try it. But I still hate being involved in any way. Usually I just ignore it, but maybe I should say something to him like you did. I admire your courage.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Charity said...

Read: codependent no more

your friend is acting on an addiction and if you go along you'll go crazy.

11:09 PM  

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