Sunday, July 30, 2006

My Funky Balance

I feel like I’ve really struck a funny balance in my life. It’s a good thing. I have been living this weird balance for quite a while, but as of the last few weeks, I’ve really started to embrace this balance. I like it. I like where I’m at right now. Things are good.

I’m referring mainly to the balance between my religion and my sexuality. Right now, I basically live most of the tenets of the Mormon faith, except I date guys and do gay things. I doubt my family or the church would approve of this balance, but I like it.

I’m posting about this because three or four months ago I was really questioning how closely I should follow Mormon principles. I had started to consider drinking and living a “less conservative” lifestyle. After all, I have plenty of questions about my faith, and I personally don’t think drinking is a big deal. I also don’t think kissing and having a good time with other men is bad.

But then I started to realize that the only motive I have for drinking is social pressure. I would love to go out to a bar and actually order a beer or an alcoholic beverage with my co-workers. I don’t think I’d necessarily enjoy the taste or the buzz or whatever, but I would like to feel a part of the group.

Then I realized that that motivation is the worst motivation ever. I like who I am. I like being unique. It is those same social pressures that made me want to find a wife and get married (a bad choice, in my opinion). It's just that simple desire to fit in and be a part of the majority.

I've simply re-realized that I like my minority status and my unique upbringing. I like that I’m a minority of a minority. Being Mormon segments me. Being gay and Mormon makes me even more unique. I like my heritage. I like my church. I like what it teaches. Why should I start to drink just to fit in? So stupid.

Now, this isn’t to say that I’ll never start having drinks. It’s very possible that I’ll start to drink alcohol at some point. I don’t know. For now, I’m good. And if I do decide to drink, I just know that my motivation should NOT be social pressures.

Regarding being “less conservative” ... I decided that I really want to find a Mormon guy who is gay and still lives his religion. I think I’ve found that with my crush in Utah. (We’ve texted a few times, but we still haven’t talked on the phone, by the way.) He is cute, loves his religion (but not too much), goes to church, wants to find the perfect guy, is funny, etc.

Admittedly, I don’t know him well. But I decided that I want someone like that (which may be the impossible dream). And if I want to get someone like that, then I had better try to be somewhat like that. It makes me feel better about not having much gay loving these days. It’s been a while …

But that’s okay. If I meet someone worth kissing, dating, etc., I’ll go for it. Until then, I’m going to keep living this funky balance. It’s working ... at least for now.

(This is actually a photo of me ... a first on this blog. Nice profile shot, eh? I'm wearing a crazy/cool wig, hence the funky hair. My amazing friend took this photo last night at a dance party. I was talking to someone next to the door, and my friend thought the lighting and curtains made for a cool picture. She was right.)


Blogger Beck said...

If I had the dream chance to do it all over again with the same baggage, I'd be living the Church teachings as closely as possible with a just-as-faithful RM hottie at my side in this funky balance you describe. I've dreamed of that scenario countless times and desired it more than anything... (and to be honest, still searching for that perfect guy)...

But, realizing I wouldn't have the family I have now makes me stop and wonder what I'm really desiring here and what I would be giving up. It's a hard game.

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Chip Deffaa said...

If you don't want to drink, don't drink! It's not a big deal. (I don't drink--it's a personal choice, not a relgious issue--and I'm happy with that.) But if you like this guy, at some point you have to move beyond text-messages, and see if you can talk to him on the phone. It's a little more intimate, and you'll hear his tone of voice. You can ask him, in a text message or I-M, if it was OK for you to phopne him. I'm usually glad to get phone calls, they're anm easier way to communicate. Mabe a romnce or a good friendship will come out of it. Or maybe he can introduce you to other gay Mormn guys. Good luck... Chip Deffaa

11:36 AM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

Hey, great photo, GM.

The thing about religion that always baffles me is that some don't understand that people can believe whatever they want, and act accordingly.

In your situation, your church might deny you a temple recommend (I'm still not entirely sure what that is), but it can't prevent you from believing and practicing any or all tenets of the religion.

Regarding drinking, I got smashed a few times in college, and then got tipsy various times after that. But I never noticed peer pressure to drink. And I haven't been drunk in close to 25 years.

Now, I have a couple of drinks every night, usually scotch. I don't need the drinks, but they make the evening a little mellower and enjoyable. Plus moderate drinking is good for the heart.

I put alcohol in the same category as chocolate. They're both something nice to enjoy, but only in moderation.

5:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's kind of odd, Dave. You say that you never feel any pressure to drink at all but then turn around and encourage consuming alcohol in moderation. I don't get it. And it goes without saying that you don't understand temples and temple recommends if you think that one can live every belief of the religion without one. I for one am a gay mormon that does drink alcohol at times. I think drinking is a personal choice for Mormons that already are "outside" of the church, so I would say to just do whatever feels right and don't let anybody else's actions or words affect your decision.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

Um, I neither encouraged nor discouraged drinking.

4:02 AM  
Anonymous Terence said...

Im in the same situation of finding that mr right... though its harder i think to find that type of person when you try dating in the gay morman arena.... your dealing with a very percarious and unstable people.. sad really. I really want a man who wants to fight for a relationship who wants a powerfull unique and all that other fluffy stuff you would normally insert here kindy thang.(I would but im tired of repeating myself)..As for drinking? I dont but if I find someone who has selfcontroll over his drinking, im willing to settle.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill here (I know, it's been a while): Balance is good. I love that you are finding you can be true to yourself. As for the drinking thing--I do drink, but I am always secretly impressed when I am out with people and someone in the party orders something non-alcoholic. I think people will respect that you are true to your values and like you all the more.

I love that picture. Gee, I thought you'd be taller... ;-)

6:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate Dave Walter.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Jason said...

I have a situation here in NH. I met this boy and fell in love. We dated for a wile and during that time I knew he was a Mormon but I had no idea what that ment. He lived with me for a wile with my folks and I. I am openly gay. My parents are very supportive. As time passed he decided to move to UT to live with his sister in Salt Lake. We have kept in touch since he left. about a month and a half ago. Well it’s a week before im supposed to go out there and viset and yesterday he changed his phone number without telling me and had his sister call me and ask if I can get a credit on my plane tickets because he is not ready to see me. I asked her after all that I did for your brother could you please have him call me and tell me this himself. Well that was last night and still no phone call. I cant contact him and im worried. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do? Is he going to be OK? I know there is a ton more to my story but this is the biggest thing right now. I don’t know what to do.

12:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In reading your blog, I became very sad to know that your life is full of uncertainty and lack in direction or purpose beyond this life. To not know the full extent of God's love for you is something that causes me to pray for you and for your relationship with God. I am not a Mormon. I am a member of the Lord's church as it is described in the New Testament. I know without a doubt that there is something inside you that hungers for a real relationship with God that is based on His grace and not on what you do for Him. That relationship can be found in His Son Jesus Christ. As for your decision to live the homosexual lifestyle, I would be untruthful with you if I did not say that it is wrong. Scripture clearly condemns all who practice homosexuality. I will pray for you also that you can find your fulfillment in God and God alone and not the sinful homosexual relationships. May God bless you and may you find peace in HIM. In Christ's love, One who is concerned.

8:39 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

To Jason:

At the risk of irritating one or more iterations of "Anonymous" here, I'll venture a comment.

Without knowing more details of your situation, all I can suggest is that you send him an e-mail or letter saying that you realize he must be going through some serious shit right now, and that you respect his need to have some space. Tell him you're not mad at him and that you'll wait patiently until he's ready to get back in touch with you.

I'm not sure what else you can do other than pray (if you're into that) that he gets over whatever's freaking him out.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Silus Grok said...

Completely off-topic: but where _are_ you, bud? We haven't seen or heard from you in MONTHS. Hope all is well.

8:45 PM  
Blogger Sir Robert Chiltern said...

I was very interested to read that you try to balance both ends - Church and the lifestyle. I'll have to tune in for more details.

3:23 PM  

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