Thursday, April 26, 2007

Clearly I'm the one who's full of shit ...

Thank you all for your comments! I was very touched by your comments and by the fact that several of you still check this site on occasion. I wish I weren't so unpredictable with my posts these days.

Anyhow, I want to address a few comments and then give a little update.

So, Playasinmar pointed out that I said the following in one of my first posts: "I was not born a homosexual; rather, certain events in my life led to my current situation (I know this for sure)."

Isn't that funny? Clearly I have become "less sure" on that point. Ha! I'm glad he pointed out my obvious hypocrisy. I've thought about this, and I realize that I have started believing that my sexuality is more biological / genetic than environmental.

Am I being brainwashed by the gay community? Am I looking for justification? Am I manipulating reality? I'm not really upset that I have changed my mind -- just genuinely surprised that I am flip flopping on this. I thought I was less wishy washy ... apparently not. ;)

I guess I used to feel that my fascination with boobies in or around the 2nd and 3rd grades was evidence of being born straight. I have since reconsidered. I also realized that I ignored other earlier signs of my homoness.

Without giving too many details, I do remember some homo moments with a boy my age when I was probably in the 1st grade or so. It was nothing serious or anything, but I think I chalked those up to “childhood experimentation” -- which they were, but which can't be ignored if I'm going to consider boob attraction as evidence of straightness.

Anyhow, interesting. It just goes to show how memories can be manipulated. As I get older, I'm sure of fewer things – that’s for sure.

Second comment -- Beck, I don't remember saying you're full of shit, but, as evidenced above, I don't remember things well. Ha! Can I write that off as a PMS moment?

And, now, my update:

I told my remaining two siblings. I approached them over Easter and confirmed to them what they had already suspected. It's never a comfortable conversation, and I really don't know how they feel about things, but it’s nice to have it over with. My sister just said she felt bad for me because of the complications it adds to life. (It was really nice to hear her express some sympathy because she had been pretty beotchy about the topic in previous conversations.)

My other brother didn't say a thing. Just nodded a lot while his wife talked. I guess that means he doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't agree with my decision, so what can he say? I don't know.

I haven't heard from either sibling since telling them. This was three weeks ago. I figure they'll need some time to deal, so I haven't tried contacting them. I should give them a call before too much time passes.

I just have mom left to tell ...

I hope/pray she will be ready for the news. She's just so fragile and takes things so personally.

Well, there's the update.

Hope all is well with you.



Blogger playasinmar said...

Wow, thanks for letting me know.

Youthful Idealism dies at the hand of Aged Wisdom. You don't see yourself in black and white terms because you realize you were never split into black and white categories.

That's my theory, anyway. :)

8:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's always going to be hard for your LDS friends to really understand. You will never really understand why your gay either or when you became gay.

It's just who you are. I love the church, did the whole mission thing but I have never been attracted to girls. I have fought male attraction since I was in 1st grade. Then I met my boyfriend and life has been great. I still love the church and all that stuff but I have definetly found balance. You just have to find that balance point between your beliefs and who you are. It's never going to be perfect. Good luck with your coming out...

12:42 PM  
Blogger Ender said...

Unlike you, I feel more compelled to comment when I am not anonymous, but as no one reading this really knows me, I withhold a few comments. First and foremost, I'm glad to hear that you are well.

12:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, GM. Bill here. (After all this time I am still too lazy to register!)

I am not surprised you have reconsidered why you are gay. I was also fascinated by boobies when I was a child and even had a sexual relationship with a woman when I was in my 20's. None of that changed the fact that I was gay.

Mostly I just wanted to say I am glad you are well and posting from time to time.

3:08 PM  
Blogger vance said...

Well, I have no idea where I came about your site but have been reading it a while now and glad to see you're still alive! Still, I'm not Mormon, I live in a big "progressive" accepting city where being gay has had little negative response in my experience (not one single friend even fliched or had a negative reaction, including all the straight macho guy friends even though most didn't know/couldn't tell). Still, it's hard and I haven't told my family yet so it's pretty awesome that you have.

To chalk up to being born gay or turning, I used to say... there's no way I would CHOOSE this life, where it becomes controversial, where life would be just so much easier being straight, but thats just what I am and that's my life (granted, again, my situ in this city is not really that difficult by comparison so I lucked out).

Uh, anyways. I'm rambling. Anyways. hooray for you for being brave and living life your way!

2:22 PM  
Blogger gentlefriend said...

I just discovered you through Elbow's blog. I agree with your conclusions about the source of SGA.

I have counseled many, many LDS men with SGA. None have ever said that they chose these attractions. Although I know many who are married like I am, but I don't know any who are "cured". I am very suspicious of anyone who promises a "cure". I have never been sexually attracted to a woman. I am certainly spiritually attracted to my wonderful, understanding wife. I remember male attractions since way before puberty. I believe that I have been wired this way since birth. Self-esteem is the number one problem I have had growing up in the Church. The Church and the good leaders I have had have taught me that my Heavenly Father loves me as I am. With my SGA struggles have come many unique insights and blessings that help me to understand, accept, and sometimes help others with similar problems. I have served as Bishop in a number of wards and am grateful for the opportunities God has given me to serve and the challenges He has given me which haveed help me to be a better servant.

Thank you for your honest and insightful comments.

12:21 AM  
Blogger Lloyd said...

Call me TROG.
I just printed your blog out to take on the plane to me tomorrow where I'm visiting my brother but going to follow up on a guy that I have one huge crush on so far, and possibly marriage in the future. Civil Unions, at least, are allowed in the State where I live after moving away from Utah 20 years ago when I was 30.

Life is good since I ran away.

3:00 AM  
Blogger Charity said...

I read your blog a long time ago and at that time you were very supportive of the church. I read it again today and obviously things have changed (insert wry smile but no animosity :)). I did wonder how you pulled it off and am not surprised at your decision. I am an active LDS woman but am almost divorced. That is no where near being homosexual in LDS culture, but it has helped me deal with discrepensies a bit better. Anyway, my dad's a biologist and we've talked about this a lot (esp during prop 8) and he just feels like people don't understand homosexuality enough. I'm sure you know this, but in case you don't, it's totally common among all sorts of animals including chimps--our nearest relative. Now, I don't want this to come across as insulting. I'm trying to say IT'S NORMAL. Can I say that and still have a testimony. Well I can because despite the fact that I don't really trust men, I'm still attracted to them (darn it all! for me it would be easier with a girl :)), so it is different for me than for you. But I get that. I think I would've ended up making the same decision you are making had I been in your shoes, but again that's hard to say. Still, I just wanted to share that biology perspective with you and to tell you that I am an active LDS woman and I think you are alright. I know it means little and you probably don't care or think whatever, but I still wanted to say it because it seems that you strive so much for sincerity on your blog and in your life. I hope you find happiness.

11:02 PM  

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