Monday, April 02, 2007

Alive

I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a long while because 1) I feel this blog has served its purpose, 2) I've been busy, and 3) a lot of people who know me personally know about this site. The anonymity is wearing thin, which makes being candid more difficult, which makes blogging less fun. Nonetheless, I figure I need to get over the last one because this blog really gets to the heart of me, so I shouldn't be afraid for people to read it. And I shouldn't be afraid of complete honesty.

Why is it that I'm so comfortable with strangers reading this, but not friends. I'm -- and I suspect many of you are -- so weird that way.

Quick update: Life is good. :) I'm just working and playing. I had a recent crush that totally put me through it, but I'm trying to move onward and upward. He lives 3000 miles away, and he's just not that into me. He's just so damn HOT! Grrr. I hate that I'm superficial. (And, yes, I will own my superficialness. For better or for worse, I only want to date people to whom I have physical attraction -- in addition to personality attraction, emotional attraction, etc. This is a response to a comment about my superficialness.)

I have several emails that I just checked for the first time in three months. Forgive me for not responding earlier. I will try to get to them in the next few weeks.

One commenter asked: "Early in your posts you refer to an 'event' that led you to become gay. What was this event? What are your current thoughts as to the source of being gay?"

Hmmm. I don't remember mentioning any event. I'd have to read my post to see the context.

I honestly don't know why I'm gay. I've said that from the beginning, and I still say that. It could be genetic or biological, or it could be environmental. I still haven't ruled out the latter (which I'm sure horrifies many gay rights people ... sorry). I haven't ruled it out because I remember several occasions when I was aroused by looking at boobies in nudy magazines. This was back in the third and fourth grades -- pre-pubescent.

Yes, I agree that my reaction to boobies in third and fourth grade is very inconclusive evidence of environmental causation. But I do find it interesting. My first "gay" memories began in 5th grade. I remember being attracted to the new boy in class and wanting to get to know him and be his friend. It was all down the gay hill from there. :) I really don't remember being very attracted to women after 5th and 6th grades.

Anyhow, I guess I'd say it's probably a combo of both. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I'm attracted to men and I want to be with men. And I will act accordingly. :)

That said, I have realized more than ever in the past year that sexuality isn't everything. I've always believed this, but it keeps popping up as a huge truism in life. I believe the gay community -- for better or for worse -- blows sexuality out of proportion. Sexuality is definitely important and relevant, but there's a whole lot more to life than sexuality.

Whenever I find myself dwelling on my sexuality and my love for men and my desire to have a boyfriend or be with a guy, I find myself less happy. This is true for all things in my life -- I am not happy when I dwell on any one thing too much. I need balance, and I have to work to have that balance. It's huge.

Anyhow, hope all is well with the few people who still check this.

Best,
GM

7 Comments:

Blogger -L- said...

I was just fixin' to e-mail you the other day to see if you weren't dead. Glad to know it. ;-)

8:29 AM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

"One commenter asked: 'Early in your posts you refer to an 'event' that led you to become gay..."

That was me!

Thanks for answering my question. I was refering to some of your early posts when I asked you that. In your first post The path I've chosen for example, you wrote, "I was not born a homosexual; rather, certain events in my life led to my current situation (I know this for sure)."

11:07 AM  
Blogger Elbow said...

you have no idea how happy you have made me. I love you, and am so overjoyed that you are doing well. Don't forget that you are the original. You're the reason I started my own blog, and for that I am forever in your debt. Let's talk soon.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Bill here. I clicked on the link to your page on an impulse and I am glad I did. So happy that you are doing well. You've come a long way since we first corresponded and I am glad you've found some peace and happiness.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Gay LDS Actor said...

Good to hear from you. I always wondered what happened to you. You're a big reason I even created my own blog. I hope life continues to treat you well.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

You once made of blog of one of my comments and called me "full of s**t" :)

It seems like a lot of us owe our blog beginnings because of you. I, too, started from first reading your blog.

Thanks for still being out there even if you think I'm full of... :)

3:52 PM  
Blogger Straight+Narrow said...

He lives! It's good to hear from you again...or read from you...or whatever cliche is more appropriate.

6:40 PM  

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