Wednesday, April 13, 2005

T.A. + T.S.

Well, I haven’t posted in a while because things haven’t really changed. It’s a good thing! I’m actually feeling quite consistent lately. I am still going relatively strong with my no-porn commitment, and I hope it continues. I’ve also seen a dramatic reduction in the number of masturbation sessions. I think I’ve only masturbated three or four times in the past four weeks. That’s HUGE progress for me.

Admittedly, I can’t say that I have been free of homosexual desires – quite the opposite, in fact. I feel like my desires to be with men are more intense now. I just want to be with a guy. Sigh.

I have to vent about my crush on T.S. -- the kid in my class that I wrote about earlier. He is SOOO attractive to me, and it’s not just his physical looks either. His personality adds a lot! In fact, before I got to know T.S., I didn’t even notice him in the class for the first two months of the semester (and I am quick to notice all the hot guys in class because I’m actually the T.A. for the class and I see and interact with the students a lot). I just wish I could date him for a while, just to see how I like that direction. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s gay. (Even if he were gay, I’m sure it would be unethical for me to date him right now considering I am his T.A. – HA!)

He came into my office today, and he was wearing shorts and a T-Shirt. He has great legs. I’m very attracted to guys’ legs. His were pretty hairy – I like hairy legs. Anyhow, he just gets more attractive each time I see him. He even put his hand on my shoulder while I was sitting at the computer. Of course, I took that as a sign that he’s gay. Ha! Apparently if a man touches another man at all he is a homosexual! Ha! My brain is so ridiculous sometimes. I crack myself up! I’m just looking for ANY sign that T.S. might be gay.

Anyhow, I guess you can’t have it all. :) I feel like homosexuality is the only real problem area in my life, so I guess I am pretty lucky. Prayer is the only way I’m going to be able to continue this path... I love God. I’m glad I deal with homosexuality, because other people have much worse difficulties than I. Just every once in a while I get lonely – no biggy.

I'm headed to NY soon! I am super excited about the upcoming change in scenery!!!