Thursday, June 30, 2005

Response to One Comment

My father was 25-years old when he was made bishop of his ward. I'm 24.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

One Quick Question

I realize I just wrote a novel of a blog last night, but I have a question for any gay man who happens to read this.

Do you believe that one’s homosexual desires may be connected to his poor relationships with men (especially fathers)?

In talking to many homosexual men, it seems as though many of us have dysfunctional relationships with our fathers and other men. Hence, we feel a longing to be loved by men. Please comment and let me know what you think.

Monday, June 27, 2005


Before I get back to some of the comments, I want to test a theory I’ve come up with over the past few years. I am bringing this theory before you because I want to know if I am just biased and unobservant, or if I am completely right. I suspect the latter. ;)

Over the past two to three years (maybe five to seven years), it seems like homosexuality has taken over the nation. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but, honestly, I feel that everyone is talking about homosexuality these days – and not just in political contexts. Nowadays, we joke about it, laugh about it, and simply think about it a lot more. While I was at home over the weekend, I was amazed at how often the topic emerged.

Example 1: We had a family reunion over the weekend, and at it we all had to get up and tell what we’re doing, where we’re working, and what calling we hold in the Church (no, I’m not kidding about the last one). Of the 27 grandchildren, only two of us are unmarried – my 27-year-old cousin and I. As most you probably know, Mormons are expected to marry and bear children early, so my cousin and I are somewhat “black sheep” in the family. We joke about it a lot. Before going to the reunion, my brother joked that I should announce to the family that I am gay – over the microphone. When he cracked the joke, I laughed, but inside I was thinking, “if you only knew.” I wish I had captured my facial expressions on camera, because I’m sure they were classic. Oh the irony of my brother’s comment.

Example 2: Then, while at the reunion, my unmarried cousin joked that he was going to announce his homosexuality and then “out” me in the process. Again, I laughed, but wondered how revealing my facial expressions must have been.

Other examples include watching three shows with homosexual themes over the weekend, my buddy joking about hitting on me, and my other buddy telling me I must be gay because I haven’t kissed a girl in more than five years. I have more examples, but I don’t have time to describe them all. My point is that I’ve noticed an increase in dialogue, jokes, movies, etc about the topic. Is this just me being very sensitive to the issue because I am gay myself?

Returning to a few comments … I agree with you all about my need for therapy. I think it would be wise for me to find a therapist who can help me work through these issues. I’ll see what I can do. I've tried it before, so I may as well give it another go.

Patmos, I agree that God gives us trials so we can help others.

Some anonymous reader said, “When your Dad sees that your computer was logged onto gay porn sites, you lie and tell him it was your roommate. You mislead him. He probably know you're lieing [sic] ... Parents often can tell when their kids are lieing [sic] .... It's better to be an honest gay son than a dishonest one. Own up to it, or tell him it's none of his business, or quit the Covenant Eyes service. But belonging to Covenant Eyes and then lieing [sic] when your Dad gets the reports is pointless. It hurts your character.”

I had to laugh at this comment. I have no idea why this reader felt the need to attack my character, but I hope he feels better. Honestly though, I have never lied to my father about the Web sites I have visited. Why would I? I tell him frankly when I have visited gay sites. Hell, I wouldn’t be paying for a service to send detailed browsing reports to him if I planned on lying to him. I could easily cancel the subscription and keep everything from him, but I choose not to. He knows very well that I look at gay porn. Of course, he doesn’t approve, but he is well aware of what I struggle with.

I know it’s laughable and ironic that I had a gay roommate who was visiting gay personal sites on my computer, but it’s true. I really have no motive to lie about it. This Web site provides sufficient anonymity, and I have been candid about so many other things that it would seem silly to concoct some lie about a former roommate.

Now, in all fairness, the reader did have a valid point with the following comment: “When friends ask who you're attracted to, and you answer without specifying a gender, you are trying to mislead them about who you are. You are ashamed, and don't want them to know. So you're not honest with them. You are more honest with the c1500 strangers who read this blog than the people in your real life.”

I’ve been trying for years to figure out what level of self-disclosure would be fair to me and others. I haven’t figured that out, so your comment may be right. My question is when does a gay man disclose his sexuality in verbal form?

Also, passion in the bedroom would be a definite concern were I to live as a heterosexual. (This comment may seem random, but a reader mentioned that making love “with enthusiasm” would be difficult with a woman. He’s right.)

Scott, you’re right: it’s very self-centered to think only gay Mormons struggle with balancing their sexuality and religion. I know many good men of other faiths who have very similar difficulties.

I really do want to resolve this as soon as I can, Scott. I just can’t make any rash decisions right now.

An anonymous reader laid it out pretty simply when he/she said: “I don't believe you can be both actively gay and actively Mormon (or any type of Christian for that matter). I love my gay friends. But I don't pretend for a minute that lifestyle is favorable to God - no more than being unchaste and straight is. There are plenty of scriptures that condemn both.”

Tell me how you really feel. Just joking, I really like no-nonsense people, so thanks for stating it bluntly.

A few readers commented on the abovementioned remarks. My only rebuttal to their comments would be that God – not man – is the one to reveal new doctrines, such as abandoning the Law of Moses. Though a clergyperson may alter or adjust biblical doctrine, it doesn’t mean it’s God’s will. If that were true, then God would have a lot of conflicting wills and desires. That's why Mormons feel strongly that God has only one true church. That’s really another topic for another time.

I have to admit I laugh quite a bit at comments like, “You know what, deep down, you really want.” Of course I know what I want deep down. This whole blog is dedicated to my “deep down” conflicting desires: that of being gay and that of being a Mormon in good standing.

“Do you want a whole life of loneliness and isolation?”

Yes, please.



A reader asked if I worry about my bishop or BYU's Honor Code Office finding out about me. No, because my bishop already knows, and the Honor Code office would only take action if I were a practicing homosexual. I don’t think masturbation counts as “practicing homosexual.” :) The same reader also shared his secret of being a non-believer attending BYU. To that reader: I bet you also feel very unique (and perhaps somewhat alone) at BYU. Thanks for sympathizing with me. If you ever read this again, let me know what your marriage plans are. No, I’m not interested in hooking up. :) Just wondering if you plan to marry a Mormon girl.

Nope, I’ve never considered transferring schools.

The two authors of “Breaking the Cycle of Compulsive Behavior” are divorced and out of the closet? Really?!! Hmmm.

A reader said: “You ask if it would be okay for you to marry a heterosexual woman. My wife was engaged to a gay BYU student prior to marrying me. Her experience with that was incredibly painful. She ended up in psychological therapy for quite a while after the experience, and some aspects of the trauma lasted for years.”

Don’t bother sugarcoating that one. ;) Ha! I really do appreciate his directness. That’s terrible that his wife went through such trauma. I’m curious to know what that reader would have me do. If he is a practicing heterosexual Mormon, would he have me live as a gay man? Or would he rather I just live a celibate lifestyle? He has a unique perspective considering his wife’s background. I’d love to hear from him again. Too bad he’s probably lost in cyberspace somewhere.

I love Randy, the rank apostate. Thanks for the comments.

It was great hearing from Elle, the lesbian Mormon. I’ve never met a lesbian Mormon. In fact, though I feel very acquainted with the gay community, I know nearly nothing about lesbianism. I can imagine that it’s a very similar struggle. If you ever read this again, Elle, let me know what you and your girlfriend are up to. :)

Yes, I’ve read the Newsnet story on gay Mormons. Nonetheless, I’ve explained that I just don’t feel like I was born this way. Sorry. Of course, I can’t speak for others. There may very well be a genetic explanation for homosexuality.

Last comment: A reader said he, too, struggles with porn, and that he should straighten up before telling his fiancé about his problem. I would recommend telling her as soon as possible. Enlisting others in my fight against porn has been one of the most effective methods of overcoming porn. Best of luck to you.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Passing Time

Wow! Of all weeks, I had to return to Utah over the past week. As a result, I have been without computer access for more than a week. I nearly crapped my pants when I found more than 30 new comments from the blog. This is a good problem to have. :) Let’s be honest: I probably won’t get to all of them, but I’ll do my best.

One reader emailed me directly and noted that the discussion has turned fairly one-sided on the blog. I really have no problem with that, but my natural inclination is to play devil’s advocate. :) Whether represented or not, there are two very valid perspectives to this debate – live as a homosexual or live as a heterosexual. I really do see pros and cons to both. (I’m sure many of you are rolling your eyes at me right now – stop it!)

First of all, I must concur with you all: it’s great to have this dialogue. It’s evidence of people’s desire for me to be happy and to be at peace with myself. Thanks for your input, concern and comments. I really do appreciate them all.

Scott asked if the dialogue from this blog is really helping me resolve my issues? I’d have to say “yes” and “no.” For me, the blog provides a place to vent, a place to discuss and a place to question. The dialogue has brought many valid points to light – points I would have never considered otherwise. Nonetheless, this is a personal problem, and though people have made many wonderful comments, I will have to be the ultimate decision maker.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel ready to make any bold decisions at this point. Scott mentioned that people will eventually become bored of my blog and stop reading. He’s absolutely right. I doubt this blog will capture many people’s attention beyond a few days or weeks. That’s okay. I never intended for this to provide a quick solution to my problems, so I will just have to accept that most people will get bored of me and my situation and will move on. (What? Other people have lives and problems too? If only the world really did revolve around me – like it does in my mind.)

I guess my problem is I hate making decisions, so when I can, I proceed slowly and methodically. Eventually, I will make a decision. Maybe not this month, year, or (God forbid) decade, but some time. This will have to be done on my timetable. And, of course, some will be happy with my progress, and some will be very disappointed. Unfortunately, I won’t (can’t) please everyone. That’s why I’m in it for myself. I will decide which path is best for me.

Funny how my blog has changed over time. When I first began, it was a blog to describe how I am dealing with “the path I’ve chosen.” It has turned to a “What path should I choose” blog. In retrospect, I think that’s what I wanted it to be. Why would I have started a blog if I had no questions or concerns about the “path I’ve chosen.”

Unfortunately, I will have to continue this another time. I’ve got a meeting in twenty minutes.

Monday, June 13, 2005


I really am lucky. I can’t deny it. This blog has become more than I could have ever hoped for. When I first began blogging, I didn’t think anyone would ever come across it. After all, how many people google the words “gay mormon”? Quite frankly, I don’t even understand how my 1,566 visitors succeeded in finding this little corner of the Web. I always wonder how people come across it. Back to my point ... yes, I feel very fortunate that via this blog I’ve been able to share my situation with and receive feedback from wonderful readers like yourself. Andy, I wish that the Internet would have been around back in the day. It really has been so helpful to me.

Speaking to Andy’s comments, I must agree that for me the Church is very much a safe haven, a secure environment for me. However, I have never seen people outside the Church as bad or evil. My parents taught me that Mormons are just as sinful – if not more sinful – than other people. Our religion does not make us better than other people. Stepping outside the religion would be difficult simply from a cultural point of view. My beliefs, values and practices are just different from other people’s.

Hearing that your mother basically abandoned you when you share your struggle with her made my heart ache for you. What a tragic reaction. I don’t think my mother would react that way, but who knows. She is a very devout Mormon – bless her soul. She just might not be able to cope.

By the way, I believe many parents incorrectly assess a child’s homosexual issues as a “minor” problem and expect it to go away if the child simply ignores it for a while. My dad honestly believes it’s something I can get rid of in just a month or two. He’s told me on many occasions that I just need to exercise faith, pray, and repent, and I will overcome my unnatural same-sex attraction. He tells me to find a secluded place and pray for a day or two on end – I’m not joking. He believes that if I were to have a sincere, day-long prayer, God would heal and forgive me like he did Enos in the Book of Mormon. This mentality is very frustrating to me. Though I truly believe in the concept of faith and miracles, I struggle to believe that God will just heal me over night. I doubt this because I’ve pleaded for the past eight years for such healing, but it hasn’t happened. Perhaps I just lack faith – well, that goes without saying. In any case, I’ve accepted that if God wants me to “overcome” my homosexuality, it will be on his timetable, not mine. I believe it will be a process, not an event.

It is truly sad that your mother felt she had to choose between you and the Church. It’s even sadder that she chose the Church. I’m so sorry. I would be devastated were that to happen to me.

Yes, Bill is a wonderful person, one who only wants me to be happy. Thanks again Bill for being so wonderful. Even other readers recognize your wisdom, love and true concern.

You said I am deceiving people living the way I am. I’ve thought a lot about that comment, and I can see your point. I don’t advertise my sexuality. I go on dates with girls. I talk about marriage. Nonetheless, it’s not a blatant deception. I don’t tell people I’m straight. But I don’t tell them I’m gay. For the record, I don’t kiss girls. I haven’t kissed one for more than five years. I really try to be as real as possible. For example, when I talk about the type of person I am attracted to, I never specify gender. Or when I talk about marriage, I always say that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get married.

Maybe I should just come out with my sexuality; however, I just can’t justify that sort of action at this point in my life. Andy, thanks for sharing your situation. I appreciate your concern for me. I can tell that you simply want me to find a way to reconcile my beliefs with my sexuality. Thanks.

Texas Chick:

You’re great! Yours was a very unique posting to my blog! I can’t tell you how nice it was to see things from the perspective of a girl who’s dating a homosexual man right now. I’ll be honest: I don’t know how you could not believe in sexuality. Please share your thoughts sometime, if you get a chance. I am just really curious about your comment: “I personally don't believe in being gay or straight.”

I agree with you 100 percent! I don’t think it’s anybody’s right to tell you whether your relationship is real or not. I find it ironic that many so-called “open-minded people” are not open to the idea of a homosexual man having a loving relationship with a woman. If two people are happy living that way, then others should be equally happy for them – if they are truly open-minded, that is.

Great advice, by the way. I will only date women if I want to. I know I have been on one too many charity dates in my life, and it’s probably time I draw the line.

Our struggles are not so different. We both doubt others could love us for who we are – you, overweight; me, homosexual. It’s kind of funny how similar our situations really are.

Why is it that we are all seeking love in this life? What is so great or essential about finding someone to love and be loved by? I wish I were more like a machine ... just work, no emotions. Just kidding. :)

Women who look at gay porn ... interesting. I guess it’s the same thing as straight guys who look at lesbian porn. I’ve just never heard of it. Good to know porn is not just a male issue.

Okay, I’ve got a ton of thoughts floating through my head, but no time to put them into words right now. Unfortunately, things are just going to get worse with my return to school. I hope to get a blog posted at least once a week while back in school.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

My Night Out

I just wanted to share an experience I had recently. I went to a show with another gay guy. Let me explain. I met this guy on the Internet, and he and began a little friendship via the Net. He is very sympathetic toward my situation, and he wants to help me so badly. Well, he eventually invited me to a show in New Jersey, and I accepted. I thought it would be nice to talk to another guy about my issues in person. So I went to the show with him.

Unfortunately, I did not have a very good time. It had nothing to do with the guy, either. He was a very nice, friendly person who tried his hardest to help me enjoy the night. Nonetheless, I was uncomfortable the whole night through, and I simply couldn’t be myself. I just didn’t feel natural talking to someone who knew I was gay. It was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I just didn’t enjoy it that much. Like I said, the guy who was kind enough to give me the ticket had nothing to do with it. Admittedly, I wasn’t attracted to him at all, but I don’t think that was the main issue. I just didn’t feel comfortable in that situation.

My point is I don’t know if I will ever feel entirely comfortable in similar situations. It just didn’t seem natural. Okay, I’m probably being ridiculous. I’m sure if I went out with guys more often, I’d become more accustomed to it. Nonetheless, I don’t know if I want to go through the acclimatizing process.

Quickly, I just want to address a few comments that have been posted.

First, I’m glad that Scott has reaffirmed his situation in life. I am happy that this blog has provided an opportunity for introspective thought. That’s interesting that your great uncle was likely gay. I’ve always wondered how gay men of earlier times lived their lives. Interesting that he chose not to marry at all.

I don’t know the details of the Sgt. Matlovich situation, so I can’t make any sort of statement regarding the Church’s dealings with him. I have no problem with the tithing system of the Church, so I’m not going to get into it. I have issues with other aspects of Church bureaucracy, but those topics can be saved for another blog site.

C.D., if I could find a man to whom I am deeply attracted and who is also deeply attracted to me, I am sure I would give in to my desires. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your perspective), I have not found such a situation. In fact, I believe it would be very difficult to find such a situation, even if I wanted it. You see, Mormonism is much more than a religion – it’s a culture. I really think it would be difficult for me to be attracted to men outside the Church on more than just a physical level. I want somebody who shares my same values, who understands my background, who can appreciate my situation. That type of person is hard to come by. Plus, even if I did find the perfect man, I don’t know if I could be completely happy living as a gay man.

Now, to address C.D.’s topic of sexual frustration. I have to admit that I am feeling a lot of sexual frustration these days. Funny enough, I have found that my greatest moments of sexual frustration occur at church. I just realized this today. I go to Church, I see all these good-looking guys, and yet all of them are very off limits. It’s very frustrating to me. I was wondering why I have been getting grumpy at church, of all places, in recent weeks. I’ve realized that at church my conflicting desires meet head to head. It just ends up stressing me out and frustrating me. Ahhh! This is a perfect illustration of my current fence-sitting position. I really need to come down on one side of the fence, and soon.

Last quick note: C.D.’s twisting of Joseph Smith’s comments seemed a little twisted to me indeed. Only in modern society would one interpret his comment that way. Oh, how different society is these days.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

This Blog is Longggggg!

Here’s a fun side note to begin with …

I just googled the words “gay mormon,” and I was pleasantly surprised to find my blog listed as the No. 7 return! That is so great – but a little bit scary for me. I’m thrilled that my little area for openly discussing my struggles has become a top google return. However, I am a little nervous because now more people will be able to identify me and I may feel more inhibited in my writing. At this point, I’m not too worried. I’ll start getting nervous when Friend X writes me and says, “I was reading this blog, and I think it might be yours.” Actually, that would be pretty funny, so I’ll keep on being candid in my writing.

There is one other problem with being the No. 7 return: it’s only No. 7! Is that the best we can do? I think we can do better. I say we shoot for the stars – we’re going for the No. 1 spot! From this blog on, I am going to use the words “gay Mormon” in every sentence of each paragraph! We’ll be the number one return in no time! Just kidding. :). I’m satisfied with the hundred-some-odd visitors I get each week. No reason to make this a million-hit-a-day site (even though it would be fun – ha!).

Back to business ...

The following comments come from a blog reader who emailed me directly. I really liked what he had to say, so I’m posting his thoughts here. I’ll speak to some of his comments after you read them. I’ve edited any personal or identifiable information from the comments. Nonetheless, the changes didn’t alter the meaning. Here’s what he said:

1) After you come out, you will find that other things that now seem like big problems will resolve themselves naturally. That is once you are involved in a relationship with an actual guy (which I think will happen eventually). The interest in porn will diminish somewhat with no effort on your part; getting what you really need (emotionally, sexually) will reduce the need/interest of the porn (which is a fantasy substitute for what you really want).

2) You can't fall completely in love with someone you're not sexually attracted to. It's naive to think that you could love a woman completely if women don't turn you on as much as guys. Love isn't just willpower, or good intentions, or being a good friend. Get experience with both sexes.

3) It is just more fun to share important events with someone whom you find really great looking, and are really attracted to. I'm going to [a place] this Sunday with a guy whom – to me – is about the best-looking guy around (besides being a great guy). It will make the event ten times more fun than if I went with someone I liked, but did not feel the same way about. I mean, just looking at him is a joy. Just going with him today was fun. Before I figured out I was gay, I'd take women I liked and
respected on dates, but it wasn't the same thing. When you went to "Wicked," you had eyes for the conductor. When I go out with this guy, I have eyes for him. (Not ONLY him – I notice other guys, that's natural. But I feel I'm with someone special.)

I think the author may be right about his first comment. I can see how getting into a relationship with a guy would diminish the porn and masturbation desires. I’m sure other things would be resolved as well.

Regarding point No. 2, I don’t know what to say. I agree that physical attraction is a very necessary part for a relationship to work; however, I don’t know if I believe that deep physical attraction is absolutely necessary. Not to seem rude, but I know a lot of guys and gals who are very unattractive after 5, 10, 15, 25 years of marriage, but I don’t see them getting divorced. I’d like to think these people remain wed because of their undying love to one another. Perhaps they just feel obligated to stick it out. Maybe a combination of the two. I don’t know.

Also, I am often physically attracted to women; it’s just not as strong as the physical attraction I have toward men. Like I said, I’m not repulsed by the thought of having sex with a woman. I think I’ve mentioned this in a blog before, but I see sexuality as a continuum. Some people are on the completely “heterosexual” side. Others are on the completely “homosexual” side. Then there are tons of people in between. On a scale of one to ten (one being heterosexual and ten being homosexual), I’d rate myself as a seven. In other words, I’m very much attracted to men, but I can still be attracted to women.

I really wish I could “experiment” with both sexes. I just don’t think it’s right for me to do that.

I also agree that being with someone you’re attracted to can be very fun.

Good comments. Thanks blog reader (a.k.a. C.D.)!

Now to address Matt’s comments ...

Before I begin, can I just say that I loved Matt’s posting! Not only did he share very insightful thoughts and serious life stories, but he also had me laughing on more than one occasion. He’s a very captivating writer. At the risk of playing into stereotypes and making a huge generalization, I must admit that I believe British people are unusually clever and witty! I just know I sure laugh a lot when I’m around them. I love them. I laughed especially hard out loud when I read, “I seem to have a habit: relationships end on me on a Sunday before bank holidays.” Very funny. Anyhow, enough of my tribute to the Brits ...

To begin, I must say I feel bad that Matt’s parents weren’t more understanding of his situation. That would be very traumatic to lose the support of those you’ve relied on most throughout life. I can’t even imagine.

I also admire your resolve to date men in a very morally grounded manner. It isn’t easy to do that – for heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Congrats on being committed to principles you believe in.

I agree that “experimenting” with women seems very wrong on several levels. Even mentioning the thought feels very dehumanizing. Are a woman’s emotions so insignificant that anyone can play with them without regard to their fragility? Seems cruel to have a woman fall in love with you, and then crush her heart and dreams by telling her you were just “experimenting.”

I must dissent on one point. You said, “Could I live with the knowledge that she may worship the ground that I walk on, yet all I could muster for her were the feelings of a close, platonic love?” I would agree whole-heartedly that no woman deserves a “platonic” love. Yet, I don’t know that the physical attraction deficiency would ultimately end in a “platonic” love. For example, I have a very good friend with whom I spend a lot of time. She is the most amazing person ever. I could spend days upon end with her. In fact, I’ve even thought to myself that I could easily marry her and love her for the rest of my life. Admittedly, I’m not super attracted to her; nonetheless, I think our love could be more than that. I think we could have a beautiful marriage and life together.

That said … it’s obvious I’m not fully convinced. Otherwise, I’d be trying to marry her right now. :) I just wanted to share my feelings on the issue.

Matt, I certainly wish you the best. I hope you do find that perfect man who is worthy of your love and affection. Perhaps you should consider moving to a more Mormon-populated area if you’re looking for gay Mormon men who still abide by many of the Church’s standards (everything but the little “homosexuality policies” – a minor hang-up, really). There are quite a few in Utah, New York, California, D.C., etc. Europe is a tough area to find members of the Church, period – let alone gay ones. We’re certainly a rare breed. :)

Scott, you’re absolutely right: many a gay Mormon has been able to successfully come to terms with their sexuality. I’m sure I could do the same. I just have to decide what I want out of life. I’ll keep you posted (pun intended) on my progress. :)

I certainly hope I can get through this as soon as possible as well. I really don’t want my career and life to suffer from my sexuality. Thanks for your well wishes.

Lastly, I really do appreciate your opinions regarding the Mormon Church. You have been very clear about where you stand with regards to doctrines, beliefs and lifestyles. I am glad you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts on my blog – I hope you continue. I just want to make sure I’m clear about where I stand regarding the Church.

I love it! I would have given up on it long ago if I didn’t constantly feel that this is God’s Church. I believe that God does guide it through revelation. Of course, men do run the Church, and its history is not perfect. I can criticize the organization on many different levels; however, I still believe its God’s Church. The doctrines are perfect; the church itself is not.

Perhaps I’m just too human. Perhaps my desire to see purpose and meaning inthis life is just a natural, but foolish desire. I don’t know. All I know is how I feel. I love the way the Gospel makes me feel. Until I get a concrete answer that there is no God, no purpose to life, then I will continue to follow my feelings – even if they are not convenient to me.

Just so you all know, I do realize that I am a bad example of what a member of this Church should be like. I do not follow the counsel given (e.g., porn, masturbation, homosexuality). I often fail to live the standards. I challenge everything the leaders of the Church say (a fairly healthy exercise, I believe). I really do fail on many fronts. But I believe in God and his plan, even if I don't follow it perfectly. All I can say is that I’m trying.

Moving on ... Sophia, I hope you’re successful in capturing your thoughts in your upcoming work. I must admit that I have adopted the phrase, “a version of happiness,” into my own vocab. I hope that’s not a problem. :)

I don’t want to belabor a point I have written about so often, but I want to quickly agree with you on your point of making sure to be completely open about everything before marriage. I would never even discuss the topic of marriage with a girl before telling her about my sexuality. You’re absolutely right: it is her RIGHT to know. I have had this argument many times before – even in church meetings. I find it surprising and alarming that so many people my age feel that it’s appropriate to hide “past” problems, inclinations or issues. It’s just a bad idea in my opinion. The ONLY motive for hiding those things is pride. How embarrassing for someone to know about the darkest corners of my life! It is embarrassing, but that’s life.

It’s WAY past my bedtime. Next time I’d like to talk more about Matt’s interesting fact: the Mormon Church no longer advocating marriage as a solution to homosexuality. Interesting. I’ve had some great conversations with people about this topic. Next blog session should be fun.
Good night.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


Before we get back to the discussion (which I’m loving), I have to tell a funny story.

So I was on the subway coming back from Phantom of the Opera tonight, and there was a guy on the train who kept making eye contact with me (I’m finding out these “eye contact” moments are happening a lot). He was very good-looking, so throughout the ride, I would look over, find him staring at me, and then see him look away. Then it would happen exactly opposite – he would catch me looking at him and I’d look away. Eventually, we got to the point where he was giving me eyebrow movement (you know, when a person scrunches his forehead). But he would do it very quickly and subtly. I just cracked a smile.

Then I realized that I hadn’t thought very far ahead. I couldn’t possibly meet him or talk to him because I was with two friends. After that realization, I tried to avoid any eye contact. Ironically, we got off at the same stop, and I ended up walking down the platform to the stairs directly in front of him. He was right on my tail the whole time.

When we reach the escalator, we get on in the following order: friend #1, me, friend #2, and then him. He is literally three feet behind me (yes, it was a little awkward, but funny). So I turn sideways, facing the window that runs parallel to the escalator. I can now see him in the reflection. Again, we start exchanging eye contact – this time through the reflection. He cracks a small smile and winks. Now I’m holding back a big smile and a laugh.

Off the escalator, we were headed toward home. He follows. I kind of want to meet him, so I tell my friends I’m going to stop off for some gum at the corner store. They decide to come with me. The guy follows us into the store. We each (all four of us) buy a good or two, then we exit … together. He’s still behind us. Eventually, I notice he’s not following anymore. I glance back and see him standing on the steps to his building, staring at me. I couldn’t do anything, so I just keep walking. That was the end of it.

Well, about twenty minutes later, I did walk past his building again, just to see if he was there. He wasn’t. I didn’t think he would be.

Not much of an ending I realize, but it was the closest I’ve come to actually meeting a gay guy randomly. Funny experience – and a bit exciting – to say the least. I know many of you are probably disappointed that I shared this story; however, I promise you I had no intention of doing something stupid with him. I just wanted to meet him. Plus, it really is a funny story to me (because of the coincidental chain of events)

Okay, now back to the dialogue…

Apparently I am not doing a good job of keeping up on things. I now see several comments that I’d love to reply to. Again, I doubt I’ll be able to reply to all of them, so forgive me if I don’t make it to yours tonight. I’ll do my best.

First and foremost, I must agree with Chip – the faster I figure things out, the more able I’ll be to move on with the rest of my life. I’ve often thought about the amount of time I spend worrying about my sexuality. What could I have accomplished in my life up to this point had I used that time for something else? I probably could have written a book or something. Or at least read a book. Anyhow, I agree that I need to work through this (one way or the other) and move on to bigger and better things.

I really liked Mike’s comment. I had never really considered that God might be understanding if I go through life and never get married. I’ve always kind of believed he required more of me. I’ll have to think about that. I also liked that Mike spoke to the idea of sacrificing all. I believe that sacrifice is a universal principle: giving up something now will usually lead to something better in the future. For example, giving up $200 a month now will lead to nearly $2 million 40 years later.

I wonder if my desires to be with men are not the sacrifice I should place on the altar as an offering to God. Like I’ve mentioned before, perhaps this is my Goliath. If I beat him, I will prove myself worthy to God.

I agree that God does answer prayers. However, he doesn’t always answer them in expected or wanted ways. I need to return to my knees because it’s been a while …

I liked the conversation Mike and C had regarding happiness. I, too, believe people can be very happy living various types of lifestyles. I also agree that church teachings and doctrine can sometimes feel very repetitive. However, my problem extends beyond simple mantra. Mine is a very personal struggle. You see, I have found, through my various experiences in life, that I am happiest when I’m living according to the Gospel of Christ. I wish sometimes that I could deny that fact, but I can’t. It’s just a reality of life for me. If I do decide to live as a homosexual man (I think that phrasing is a little better than “homosexual lifestyle” – what do you think, Bill?), then I will be living a different version of happiness. I’m sure I could live a great and happy life. I just don’t know if it would be the best or happiest life I could live.

Bill, I love you to death! Thanks for your comments. I agree with you completely!

Okay, I’m sleepy. This is going to have to be my stopping point for the night. I’ll get to the rest of your comments later.