Sunday, July 30, 2006

My Funky Balance

I feel like I’ve really struck a funny balance in my life. It’s a good thing. I have been living this weird balance for quite a while, but as of the last few weeks, I’ve really started to embrace this balance. I like it. I like where I’m at right now. Things are good.

I’m referring mainly to the balance between my religion and my sexuality. Right now, I basically live most of the tenets of the Mormon faith, except I date guys and do gay things. I doubt my family or the church would approve of this balance, but I like it.

I’m posting about this because three or four months ago I was really questioning how closely I should follow Mormon principles. I had started to consider drinking and living a “less conservative” lifestyle. After all, I have plenty of questions about my faith, and I personally don’t think drinking is a big deal. I also don’t think kissing and having a good time with other men is bad.

But then I started to realize that the only motive I have for drinking is social pressure. I would love to go out to a bar and actually order a beer or an alcoholic beverage with my co-workers. I don’t think I’d necessarily enjoy the taste or the buzz or whatever, but I would like to feel a part of the group.

Then I realized that that motivation is the worst motivation ever. I like who I am. I like being unique. It is those same social pressures that made me want to find a wife and get married (a bad choice, in my opinion). It's just that simple desire to fit in and be a part of the majority.

I've simply re-realized that I like my minority status and my unique upbringing. I like that I’m a minority of a minority. Being Mormon segments me. Being gay and Mormon makes me even more unique. I like my heritage. I like my church. I like what it teaches. Why should I start to drink just to fit in? So stupid.

Now, this isn’t to say that I’ll never start having drinks. It’s very possible that I’ll start to drink alcohol at some point. I don’t know. For now, I’m good. And if I do decide to drink, I just know that my motivation should NOT be social pressures.

Regarding being “less conservative” ... I decided that I really want to find a Mormon guy who is gay and still lives his religion. I think I’ve found that with my crush in Utah. (We’ve texted a few times, but we still haven’t talked on the phone, by the way.) He is cute, loves his religion (but not too much), goes to church, wants to find the perfect guy, is funny, etc.

Admittedly, I don’t know him well. But I decided that I want someone like that (which may be the impossible dream). And if I want to get someone like that, then I had better try to be somewhat like that. It makes me feel better about not having much gay loving these days. It’s been a while …

But that’s okay. If I meet someone worth kissing, dating, etc., I’ll go for it. Until then, I’m going to keep living this funky balance. It’s working ... at least for now.

(This is actually a photo of me ... a first on this blog. Nice profile shot, eh? I'm wearing a crazy/cool wig, hence the funky hair. My amazing friend took this photo last night at a dance party. I was talking to someone next to the door, and my friend thought the lighting and curtains made for a cool picture. She was right.)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I may be infatuated, but at least I'm not in-fat-u-ated.

I texted him today. Not as good as a phone call, but it was a good ice breaker for me. We had a fun little text convo (probably four or five each), and that was it. I actually let him send the last text because I don't want to overdo it. I can be a little overwhelming, so I'm trying to be careful.

Yes, Dave, I probably am infatuated. I googled it. I liked this analysis of it best (though I didn't spend much time researching the topic). I definitely have many symptoms of infatuation. I'm trying to control it, and that's why you all need to help me!!!

Thanks for keeping me grounded. It really is just a stupid little crush (based in infatuation). I will try to keep that in mind.

Even though I recognize what it is and isn't, this attraction is still so hard to control! Grrr. Gotta hate emotions.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My dream is turning into a nightmare ... somebody help me please

This is the fourth time that I've started writing something for this entry, and I refuse to delete one more time. This is staying. I'm just trying to determine the tone of this post. I don't know if I should go for the "I'm pathetic and need help" tone or the "I think relationships and dating and attraction all suck" tone.

I seem to have used the latter in recent posts, so I guess I'll let my guard down and beg for help.

Here's the situation: I can't stop thinking about NY boy. Damn him and his attractiveness. I realize that I'm retarded and that I'm infatuated with a guy who lives too far away, but I can't help it. And though time will solve that problem, I don't know if I want it to.

So what do I do?

Do I try to start a long-distance friendship (and hope it develops into something more in the future)? Or do I let it go and just let time rid me of this little thing we call attraction?

Okay, let's assume I go for the first option. How much interest do I show in this fellow? I mean, it's not like we can date each other when we have Nevada between us. However, I'd love to get to know him. You never know what the future holds. If he were worth it, I'd move back to Utah.

So I emailed him a week ago, and it took him five days (a very painful five days) for him to reply. He says he doesn't get online much these days. But, honestly, how can he survive without the Internet at least a few times a week? In any case, he was kind enough to provide his phone number. I just don't know if going straight to the phone is the best method.

However, he doesn't use email nearly enough, and it drives me crazy, but I don't want to seem like a stalker who needs communication every other day (even if that might be true).

I'd really love to hear your thoughts on how I should approach this relationship. Remember that I'm relationshipally retarded and I need all the help I can get. Comment here or email me at FOR THE LOVE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A Dream Come True...

My life fricking rocks. I don’t know if I say that enough, but it’s true. You will never believe what happened to me last night. This was honestly one of the craziest, coolest things ever!

I need to give some background first …

So, last year when I was in New York, I met a really good-looking guy in my ward. We’ll call him Jason. Jason and I became ward friends very quickly, meaning we would talk at church, but that was about it. We never hung out or anything, but we had good conversations during services. And he was friendly, cute, spiritual, funny, etc., so naturally I had a crush on him.

However, he was also engaged. As a result, I immediately labeled him as “unavailable” and didn’t think too much about him.

Well, yesterday, a friend of mine (who is also gay and Mormon) said some of his gay Utah friends were in town for the weekend. He invited me to hang out with them in the city. When I arrived, my Bay Area gay Mormon friend started the usual introductions. He said, “this is so-and-so, and this is so-and-so, and apparently you already know Jason.”

I gave my friend a funny look and said, “I do?” I then looked at Jason for a second. His face did seem familiar. Then Jason said, “Yeah, we met in New York. We were in the same ward.” It took me a few seconds longer, and then it clicked!

I blurted out, “You were engaged!!!”

He started laughing, and said, “Yes, good memory.” I asked if he was STILL engaged or married. He said no. I was a little confused at this point because I didn’t know if he was a straight guy hanging out with some homo momos, or if he was gay like the rest of us. He confirmed that indeed he is gay.

I felt bad that I didn’t recognize him, but can you blame me? He was out of context. I thought he was straight! I didn’t expect to meet him in a gay setting! Anyhow, he apparently broke off his engagement just a few weeks after I left New York.

So the night progresses.

I’m already very excited that my former crush is gay, but then the night got even better. Somehow we ended up in a club (kind of a long story), and Jason and I ended up dancing together. Very closely at times. Very, very closely. I can’t even begin to describe how cool this experience was.

I was in heaven. I was literally living some sort of dream reality. It was amazing. This guy whom I had swooned over for several weeks in New York was actually dancing with me. This was like some sort of gay romance novel, but better.

Unfortunately, that’s pretty much the end of the story. Nothing happened after that. Even worse, I later found out that he is kind of at the beginning of a relationship with another guy. But I don’t care. I had a great night. We just had a good time dancing and messing around. We would freak, and I liked it a lot. I don’t know how much was playful or how much was meaningful to him, but I loved it all. I now want to move back to Utah.

Of course, I won’t do that. I would never move to another state or change my job for a guy I hardly know. Needless to say, I wish I knew him better. I wish he were out here.

It’s kind of funny to contrast and compare this post with my last two …

Remember how I was all up in arms about that guy I really liked? So much for those feelings. Those attractions/emotions have more or less dropped off the radar. It’s amazing what a new crush can do for you. I am now very okay with just being friends with my Bay Area buddy.

Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. I hate it when I do that. It’s probably a good thing that my NY crush is living in Utah and not here. I’m probably not ready for a relationship. I am too fricking retarded emotionally/relationshipally.

I’m just happy that I was able to live the first chapter or two of a gay romance novel. Now I have weeks to dream about the happy ending ...

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Safe Attraction

“I'm convinced that when we are unsure of ourselves, as in my case, we tend to be attracted to those that we know deep down aren't attracted to us in the same way - for there is safety there, something that keeps the barriers up so that we don't really have to struggle with the hard questions of proceeding in a relationship, because we know that the attraction is one-sided. It's happened to me constantly. I'm attracted to the guy that will never by attracted to me. It's a game. It's full of fantasy but not reality. You know why? Because, it's safe.” ~ Beck

That is deep. I had never really considered it. When I first read it, I thought to myself, “Beck is full of shit.” But then I started thinking about my situation. Indeed, this is a safe attraction. Indeed, this is a completely irrational attraction. Maybe Beck is onto something.

Honestly, my attraction to this dude is so unfounded. Yet, I’m still attracted to him. It simply doesn’t make sense on so many levels. And I RECOGNIZE this! Yet, I’m still attracted to him. I HATE feeling this way. HATE.

So what do I do? It’s obvious that we won’t ever date. Yet, he wants to be friends and hang out. However, I hate how I feel when I’m around him because he just stirs way too many feelings. But he is fun. And we have mutual friends. So I can’t just stop hanging out with him.

So I tell myself to just treat him like any other friend. But I end up overanalyzing everything he says and everything I say. I start strategizing. I think about my next “move” and how to “react” to his moves. It’s horrible. I end up not being myself and just being retarded.

I feel trapped. I seriously thought about just moving out of the state. But that’s when I knew I had reached a new level of crazy! I couldn’t believe that I even let that thought run through my head! I’m so effing ridiculous! Why am I letting this person affect me?

Perhaps it’s because it’s a safe attraction. I don’t know. But I don’t like it. And if you have suggestions for changing things, let me know. I hate how I’m handling this right now.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

I hate emotions

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: emotions and attraction suck!!! I hate them. I don’t understand them. But they piss me off.

Remember the one gay Mormon guy I’m attracted to? Well, yeah, I’m still highly attracted to him, yet he is NOT interested in me at all. Grrr. He is fine with being my friend, but he wants nothing more.

Life just isn’t fair! The unrequited love story is the oldest and most common story in the book. Why! Why can’t I just turn off this attraction? Why can’t I just talk myself out of it? I tried ... didn’t work. Why can’t I make him attracted to me?

I realize that I’m asking the most fundamental questions in life. I realize that this topic has been hashed and rehashed in literature, movies, plays, music, and real life. Yet, I can’t help but whine about it.

You know what the WORST part is! If he were into me, I probably wouldn’t feel nearly as attracted to him. He isn’t my typical type – neither personality wise nor physical wise. But I always seem to want what I can’t have. Another typical problem in my life.

Okay, I’m going to go mope now. I’ll be praying that God will make me not attracted to him anymore.