Thursday, March 31, 2005

Yep, I'm Still Gay

I realize I’ve been writing less frequently, and I apologize. I thought I’d give a quick update. It’s been more than four weeks since looking at porn! Yay!! Unfortunately, I was very tempted yesterday and ended up looking at hot guys in briefs and speedos. I realize that I shouldn’t have, but I’m trying not to get too down on myself because at least I just looked at the soft – very soft – stuff.

Also, I feel a bit bad that I have a crush on a kid in my class. He is good looking, funny, nice, etc. If he were gay, I’d date him – just to see what it would be like. Sometimes I think he might be gay, but other times I’m positive he’s not. It’s hard to tell. Actually, it’s not hard to tell. It’s obvious he’s part of the 95 percent crowd – a.k.a. heterosexual men in general. What I’d give to know for sure!

In the past two weeks I’ve masturbated once -- not bad, though I have much to improve on.

In summary, I am doing well with the porn thing, which is great regardless of what sexual orientation I decide to pursue. I’m doing alright with the masturbation thing. I’m doing really poorly when it comes to controlling my desires. I still want to find that perfect guy and date him. In fact, I’ve even created a profile on Yahoo! Personals. I did it because I hope to find some attractive guy who I can relate to. I know, my intentions with it are skewed. Personally, I doubt I will find anyone on Yahoo! Personals. It just seems like I’m never interested in the guys who are interested in me. (I’ve tried these things out before – it hasn’t worked yet.) I am really shallow apparently because if I am not physically attracted to the person, I don’t even give him a shot!

What do you do?

Monday, March 28, 2005

Four Weeks and Counting!!!

It's been nearly four weeks since I've been into porn. I am very pleased with my progress, but I realize I still have a very long way to go. I just have to celebrate the small successes along the way.

However, I can't say that I've not been attracted to men over the past four weeks. Those feelings never seem to subside. Well, actually, sometimes they do.

Just yesterday, for example, I was traveling back from my parents' home (they live about two hours away from Provo), and I was longing to be with a guy in one of my classes. I was just miserable because I realized that not only is that kid straight, but my desire to be with him is not in line with what I believe. I had nowhere to turn, so I just poured out my heart in prayer. I told God how I am highly attracted to men, and how I feel caught in a trap because I can't act on my emotions, yet I don't know how to get rid of them. As I prayed, I felt my attraction toward that guy diminish. By the end of my prayer, I just felt at peace. It was a wonderful blessing from Heavenly Father. I told Him He could withdraw my homosexual tendencies from me permanently if He wanted; however, I have a feeling that won't happen. :) He knows what I need, and I think I struggle with these emotions for a reason.

In any case, I don’t know what to do about marriage. Though the church is very supportive of gay men who live a heterosexual lifestyle, I just don’t think it’s fair to those men’s poor wives. So, recently I’ve been contemplating living a celibate lifestyle. I don’t think I’d enjoy heterosexual sex anyway. What do you think? Could I do it? Could I live my life without being sexually active with either gender? I’m not saying it would be easy, but perhaps it is the best solution to a difficult problem. That way I can live my religion, but I don’t feel bad for bringing anyone else into my situation. A girl deserves a guy who is completely attracted to her and who is not constantly checking out guys. :)

I don’t know about the celibacy thing. I know for a fact that I would be very weak if some guy I am attracted to also found me attractive! I guarantee I would give into my desires to be with him. Is it bad that I say that?

Let’s just hope that David or T.S. (I used only his initials in order to protect his identity) never come onto me; otherwise, I’ll probably give in.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Nearly Three Weeks!!!

Wow! Life is great right now! I really feel good about things. It’s been nearly three weeks since I looked at porn. It’s also been nearly a week since I last masturbated! I feel like I’m making progress (for the time being). I am very nervous that I won’t be able to keep this up. I guess I should just chill out and go with the flow because I can only control the present. I have no idea how I’ll act in the future. That might seem silly, but I’ve been through this cycle one too many times, and I know I’ll run into tough times in the future where I’ll be tempted to look at porn and masturbate. There is a 95 percent chance that I’ll revert back to my sins sometime in the future.

o I lack faith for thinking that? Or am I just being realistic? I think I’m just being honest with my past. I’ve gone for two years without porn to then return to it. That’s pretty sad. Regardless of the amount of time I go without porn/masturbation, I always seem to return to it – like a dog to his vomit. I wish I could foresee my actions years ahead. I can’t.

In any case, I just want to say that I am so happy that I’ve not looked at porn for the past three weeks. I feel great. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I know I’m not happy looking at porn. I get a few seconds of pleasure, but the guilt that follows makes the pleasurable aspects null and void. I’ll be honest: I’m still very attracted to men. I watched the BYU v. Hawaii Men’s volleyball game tonight – some of those guys were extremely HOT. I can’t help but feel that attraction. I guess that’s what I worry about … will I ever be able to look at a good-looking guy without longing to be with him? I don’t know. Only time will tell …

Another plug for the covenant eyes program: it’s been a great blessing for me. I can’t say that I haven’t been tempted, but it has kept me very honest for the past three weeks. I haven’t found a service or program that rivals it – yet. I talked to my bishop about the program, and I asked if I could give a five-minute presentation on the program to all the bishops in our stake. He said he’d talk to the stake president about it. FYI: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints divides its members into wards and stakes based on geography. Ward membership falls between 200 and 500 members, and a stake consists of five to ten wards. Hence, in a typical stake, there are between 1,000 and 5,000 members. Each ward has a bishop that oversees the congregation, and each stake has a stake president.

Anyhow, I am excited about the possibility of presenting Covenant Eyes to them. I think it could be a very useful tool for some members. The bishop also asked me to present the program to our Elders’ Quorum. I’m a little more nervous about that prospect simply because I really don’t need or want the whole ward knowing about my porn addiction. It’s a rather embarrassing thing to deal with, don’t you think? I’m trying to decide if I need to get over my fear of having people judge me for my sins and just be honest with my fellow ward members about my porn addiction. I really hate that it’s such a taboo issue in Mormon culture. I haven’t decided what I’ll do. Any thoughts? Should I just be very transparent about the whole issue? Let me know.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Breaking the Habit -- The Beginning

Just a quick note: I’m doing well with my porn addiction! Since I installed the Covenant Eyes program, I have not looked at porn on the Internet. I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now. I don’t know why; it’s only been a week and two days! Ha. Baby steps, right? (I love the movie, “What About Bob?”) I can’t guarantee that I’ll never look at porn again because I’ll probably run into it, but I just want to start the long process of breaking the porn addiction. A week here, a month there – that’s all I can ask for at this point.

I haven’t been as successful with masturbation. I’ve masturbated a few times since installing the software, but I haven’t done it as frequently, so that’s good.

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much. I just feel really swamped right now.

Also, I made a friend with one of my blog readers. He struggles with porn like I do, and so we’ve decided to work together toward overcoming our porn addiction. We’ll see what happens. If you have any good ideas on how to break porn habits or masturbation habits, let me know!

As a final note, I thought I'd mention that going without porn certainly has increased my desire to be with men. That's a crappy side effect. I've found myself checking out guys more over the past week. I'll have to figure something out to deal with that side effect. :) Any suggestions?

Got to read some more for a class. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


I was recently reading the book “As A Man Thinketh” by James Allen, and I was inspired by some of the passages. I’ve decided to share a few…

“The aphorism, ‘As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he,’ embraces the whole of a man’s being. It is so comprehensive that it reaches out to every condition and circumstance of life. A man is literally what he thinks. His character is the sum of all his thoughts.”

“Act is the blossom of thought, and joy and suffering are its fruits; thus a man harvests the sweet and bitter fruits of his own husbandry."

“Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace.”

“Man is always the master. Even in his weakness and degradation he is the foolish master who misgoverns his ‘household.’ When he begins to reflect upon his condition, and to search diligently for the law upon which his being is established, he becomes the wise master. He then begins directing his energies with intelligence, and fashioning his thoughts toward a fruitful life.
“Such is the conscious master, and man can only master himself by discovering within himself the laws of thought, a discovery which is totally a matter of application, self-analysis, and experience.”

Anyhow, those are some of the thoughts I liked from the first 24 pages of the 59-page book. I guess I liked them because I’m sick of thinking and feeling like my porn habit is outside my control. Admittedly, I have not been successful in all my attempts to overcome it, but it doesn’t mean I can’t.

Ironically, last year when I sought counseling at the BYU counseling center, the grad student who conducted my sessions basically told me to stop trying to overcome my porn addiction (sounds counterintuitive, I know). He gave me an analogy of a person who digs himself into a hole (a.k.a. porn addiction), and to whom people from the outside try to help by throwing in more shovels. His claim was that porn users are often given so many “tools” to help them out of the porn addiction that they dig themselves even deeper.

His recommendation was that I abandon all the “tools” or shovels I had been given. I asked him what I should do instead, but he never answered that question. Instead, he would just reverse the question on me or change the subject. His argument was that many people – especially Mormons – think and obsess about their problems so much that the problems just get bigger. I can see his point, but I must be honest: not worrying about it didn’t help me out at all.

So, I have decided to return to my previous attempts of setting goals in order to give up porn. I know I’ve said this a million times, and I may have relapses between now and victory, but I am going to overcome it this time. I really think setting goals, focusing on the problem and trying to beat it are the best solutions for me. That’s my opinion as of today! I’m done with porn! I want to be rid of it. In coming days, I’ll be posting my goals and progress. Perhaps making my ambitions public will give me more motivation to achieve my goals.

P.S. I recently resubscribed to the Covenant Eyes program. According to the company's Web site, the loophole that I found last year has been fixed. I sure hope so because I don't want to have a place to turn in a moment of weakness.

The Brighter Side

All too often I focus on the adverse effects of homosexuality in my life. So, today I’ve decided to write about the blessings or positive aspects associated with same-sex attraction.

For those of you struggling with homosexuality, you might disagree. Let me know. I’d love to hear where I got things wrong.

I’ll start with the greatest blessing: understanding. Because I am dealing with same-sex attraction, I feel like I am a more tolerant, accepting and loving person. I’m not perfect, but I feel like this struggle has broadened my perspective and helped me understand what gay men go through and feel. I come from a very conservative family where homosexuality is abhorred. If I did not deal with these issues, I would most likely be a very homophobic and intolerant person. I’m so glad that I can see both sides of the homosexuality debate. What a blessing.

I think this struggle has also helped me be a more accepting person with regard to other areas of life – i.e., different religions, other cultures, etc.

Another blessing has been a greater respect for women. You may disagree with this view. I believe that because I am not attracted to women, I don’t objectify them in my mind. I feel like I have a greater respect for who they are and what they can do and have done in this world. I always joke with one female friend of her that I am the biggest feminist at BYU. I’m obviously not the biggest feminist on campus, but I do believe women are often treated unfairly and deserve better in this world. That’s a very general statement, but I don’t have time to get into my feminist attitudes.

Another blessing is my abstinence from sex. I’m certain that if I were heterosexual, I would have gotten into trouble with fornication. I’m glad that my homosexual desires have prevented me from being sexually active on either side of the fence.

I also like that I am unique. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I am an individual and very different from my siblings. All of my brothers and sisters fit into a nice mold, but I broke that mold completely. Though they don’t know I’m homosexual, that is just one more thing that makes me more of an original person.

Anyhow, I must go study. I will keep thinking of the positive aspects to homosexuality. Feel free to add your thoughts as well…