Feeling Better

Wow, sorry for leaving on such a downer last post. I’m feeling much better now. Those crappy feelings lasted about two days, and then I got over it. I realized that it’s okay for me to not be exactly like my friend. We’ve very different people, and that’s a great thing. The fact that I masturbate and he doesn’t does not put him on a higher plane – just different ones. Plus, I would never want his life. I like mine a lot.

Today I watched the Johnny Cash film, “Walk The Line.” Wow! What a downer! I thought the movie was very well done. The acting was phenomenal, the writing was great, the story flowed well, and the cinematography was good, but Cash’s life totally sucked! It was quite depressing. It was nice, though, to be reminded of what life is all about.

During the movie I started thinking about what kind of life I want to have … not Johnny Cash’s, that’s for sure. I actually had a hard time pinpointing what kind of person I want to be. But I was able to determine what type of person I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be the bitter gay guy who hates the Mormon church.
I don’t want to be that lonely guy who has nothing in his life but work.
I don’t want to be the rainbow flag-carrying gay rights dude.
I don’t want to be a closed-minded religious zealot.
I don’t want to be the guy who takes himself too seriously.

That’s what I’ve come up with so far. I am really worried about the first one. I have found myself criticizing the church. I really don’t want to be that guy. I don’t criticize other religions, so there’s no reason to criticize the one I belong to. Plus, there’s so much about the church that I love, so it really doesn’t make sense to find the inconvenient parts and attack them. The church is a great organization. Heck, I still believe it’s of God. That’s why it’s absolutely ridiculous that I criticize it.

Guilty

I just had another experience that reminded me of how deeply rooted my religious beliefs are. Ugh! I can’t even describe the feelings of unrest that I’ve been going through for the past 24 hours. I hate feeling like this!! Sometimes I think it would have been much better to have grown up in a non-religious family. That said, I’ve had a wonderful life thus far.

Here’s the story. My buddy was sleeping in my room last night, and he asked me if I had ever masturbated before. (Who asks that?) I answered in the affirmative. Then I asked him if he had. He hasn’t! I know that many people may not believe him, but I do. I know he is telling the truth. He’s very open and has no reason to lie.

I automatically felt overwhelming guilt that I have masturbated – and still do. I had recently started feeling comfortable with the fact that I masturbate, and then this happens. In fact, I don’t masturbate nearly as much any more because I stopped thinking it was a big deal. Anyhow, now I just have tons of anxiety and guilt about it. It’s driving me nuts. I know that it will go away eventually – it always does. I just wish it would go away faster. I’ve been trying to use all sorts of tactics to get rid of it, but it’s still here.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel so crappy all of a sudden. I think I feel this way because I’ve been telling myself that it’s impossible to live all the church’s standards. I now know that it’s not impossible at all! It’s very possible. I just don’t. That’s a very depressing thought. This buddy of mine is effing perfect! The worst thing he’s done is make out with girls! I’m not saying he is perfect, but morally speaking he is.

Okay, here’s the real problem … I am PISSED that Mormons put such a HUGE emphasis on masturbation! It’s such an abomination to them. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize my sins away.

This event has set me back big time. I haven’t hated my homosexuality this much in a long, long time. I know that I will get over these crappy feelings. (I’m feeling better already after writing about them.) Nonetheless, it’s times like these when I just wish I were heterosexual. My life would be compatible with my religious beliefs if I weren’t gay. Anywho … besides that, I’m doing great.

Just a Quick Coming-Out Story

I told another person. Ha! It makes me laugh. This one was completely unintentional. Most of the others I had contemplated for several weeks. This one happened only because I felt bad for a friend.

Here’s the scoop. My friend, who is a wonderful, funny, and bright girl, confessed her love for me in a special “talk” that she had arranged. I told her I was flattered that she felt that way about me, and that I certainly thought she was a phenomenal person with many wonderful qualities, but that I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. After telling her this, it was obvious that she was crushed, embarrassed, etc. I knew the only way to fully explain my unattraction toward her was to tell her about my sexuality. So I did.

The news was very relieving for her. She expressed sympathy for my circumstances, but I think she was happy to know I wasn’t just rejecting her for superficial reasons. Fortunately, I don’t mind that she knows. She is completely accepting of homosexuals – many of her best friends are homosexual – and I knew the knowledge wouldn’t affect our friendship. Quick side note: she, four of her friends and I went out to dinner a couple weeks ago, and she leaned over and said half the people at the table were gay (three of the six). Little did she know that actually a majority of the people at the table were gay. We laughed about this when I told her about my sexuality. I thought it was very funny.

Anyhow, that occurrence was completely unforeseen. Funny though. Ha!