Sunday, February 27, 2005


I’ve given up! I just realized today that my mindset is one who has thrown in the towel. Let me explain…

I was sitting in church today enjoying the meetings, when I started to look around for good-looking guys. I know, not the most appropriate place to check out hot guys. Nonetheless, I realized that I really wasn’t feeling attracted to any guys – even the guys whom I usually long for. These moods come every once in a while. Usually I enjoy them because I feel like I’m making progress; however, this time I was kind of disappointed that I wasn’t finding pleasure in looking at hot guys.

Holy Shit! (I usually don’t use those types of words, so you know I’m surprised!) I just got off the phone with my sister; she just confronted me about my sexuality! That was crazy. She was telling me how one of her friends was asking how I was doing, and then her friend asked if I was dating anyone. It dawned on my sister at that moment that I have never had a serious girlfriend in my entire life. She joked to her friend that I was gay, but then she decided she wanted to make sure I wasn’t.

She called me up, told me how her friend had asked about me, and then explained that people naturally think a person is gay if he isn’t dating or hasn’t dated someone seriously by the age of 24. Anyhow, I just laughed at each comment, but never denied being gay. Then she finally realized that I was avoiding her question. She called me on it!

“You’ve been skirting my question,” she said. “Now tell me: are you really gay?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me this! Please!” I said, still laughing and hoping she would drop it.

“I just need assurance that you’re not gay,” she said. “Now, answer the question.”

That's when it happened! That's when I did what I’ve never had to do before! I LIED to her about my sexuality! Ahhhh! I told her I’m not gay. I still feel kind of bad about lying to her, but it’s what she wanted to hear. Is that reason enough to lie about it? I just don’t know what good it would do her to know that I am gay.

I really wasn’t prepared for that conversation. Plus, she was half joking through the whole thing, so I didn’t know how serious she was about it until she forced me to answer. After I told her that I wasn’t gay, she said, “I know, I don’t think you’re gay.” Yeah, right, you don’t think I’m gay! Why else would you ever ask someone that question? Anyhow, I don’t know what to do now. Should I tell her soon that I really am gay? Would that make things better? Would that help the situation? Would that do any good or bad? I don’t know. Any thoughts?

Anyhow, I was saying how I was disappointed by not being attracted to guys during church. The fact that I didn’t enjoy the moment like I usually did is evidence to me that I want to be gay – that I want to give up the fight and just have a homosexual sexual identity. Anyhow, that story was shot to pieces by my sister’s bombshell! Holy crap! I’ll write about it later. I’ve got to figure things out for a second.

P.S. Sorry about the swear word. I used it only to express how I really felt at the moment.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Covenant Eyes

I’ve been contemplating signing up for the “Covenant Eyes” Internet Accountability service again. I was a member for most of last year, but cancelled it when I moved away for the summer. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it logs all of the Internet sites you view, then emails that list to two accountability partners – my brother and father in my case. I really enjoyed the service, but there was one flaw with it. I won’t tell what that flaw is, but it’s really easy to figure out.

I liked it because it rates every Web site according to the site’s content. So, racy sites are flagged as “inappropriate,” making it obvious to your accountability partners that you’ve been meddling in the wrong things.

Though my brother was one of my accountability partners, he did not (still doesn’t) know about my porn addiction or homosexuality. It’s funny because those gay personals sites that my roommate visited showed up as “inappropriate” on the logs, forcing me to explain to my brother and father that my roommate is gay. The irony is that I, too, am gay -- if you didn’t catch that already. I laughed about the situation to myself. Really, what are the odds of two gay guys landing in the same apartment at BYU?

In any case, the whole service kept me from about 80 percent of the Internet’s porn. I liked it for that reason. Unfortunately, there was that one loophole, but I suppose 80 percent less porn is a good start. Though I hated paying the $7 per month, it might be a small price to pay to get over my porn addiction.

My main goal is to become worthy for the temple. I don't know if I have the will power. Can I do it?

Past Roommates

I just found out that one of my former roommates dropped out of BYU and moved to California. Oh, my heart goes out to him. He is the only guy I’ve told about my homosexuality.

Last year I was struggling with my sexuality (really the same old story), and I was looking for someone to talk to about it. Then one day I was looking through the history on my Internet Explorer, and I noticed some gay personals sites. (At the time, my two roommates and I shared one computer.) I realized that I hadn’t been to any of the sites listed. Well, after some research, I found my roommate’s profile on one of the gay personals.

At first I was surprised, then happy. I really wanted to talk to someone with similar problems. I kept checking my history for about a month or so. Each time I found gay personals sites in it. I convinced myself that my roommate was in my same situation, so I decided to tell him about my struggles and hoped he would reciprocate. It took a few weeks to muster up the courage, but one day I caught him alone in the living room. I sat down and made small talk for a bit. I was very nervous. I remember my heart was beating very fast and hard. Finally, I just kind of blurted it out. I explained that I struggled with homosexual desires and that I needed someone to talk to about it because it was all pent up.

He was very accepting and understanding. He sat on the edge of his seat while I told him about my situation for a minute or two. He admitted to nothing. The conversation was rather short. I eventually asked if he had been looking at any personals sites on the Internet because I had found some questionable Web sites stored in my Internet’s history; he denied everything. I remember being angry because he outright lied to me. I could have easily taken him to the computer and showed him his profile on that gay Web site. Plus, I had just poured my heart out to him, why didn't he want to talk? I decided to let it go because it wasn't something he wanted to share. My hopes were shattered.

He agreed to keep our conversation in confidence, and I got up to leave. While on my way out, he stopped me and asked, “What have your church leaders said about your situation?” I replied that my church leaders have been very understanding because I have never acted on any of my desires. He just nodded and I left. I assume he has never talked to church leaders about his homosexual desires. I can't blame him; it's a scary thing the first time.

Anyhow, that was that. I never noticed another gay Web site in my Internet history. I wasn’t even attracted to the kid; I just wanted a friend to talk to about it – a friend who understood. I haven’t told anyone since then, barring my bishop.

I really feel bad for him. I know he is struggling just like me. Now he dropped out of school, moved to California (the Bay area) and is trying to get into a school down there. I wish him the best. I hope everything works out for him and that he finds happiness.

That reminds me of a fun habit one of my friends recently taught me. She said that she wishes everyone peace and happiness as she walks around campus. She just says in her mind, “I wish you happiness.” Every time I try it, it makes me happy. Kind of weird, but fun.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Random Thought

I fell asleep at 6 p.m. tonight and slept for three hours. I’m screwed now because I am not tired any more. Oh well.

I had a wonderful president’s day weekend. I spent it with good friends. I hate coming back to school after long weekends – mainly because I’m so behind in every class now.

Here’s a random thought … do you ever wonder how accurately you judge people? Lately, I’ve been wondering how accurate my gaydar is. I always try to judge whether a guy is gay or straight, and I wonder how often I am right. For example, I really think one of my good friends is gay. Though he always says that homosexuals repulse him and that he likes certain girls, I really, really think he is gay. There’s too much about him that makes him seem gay. I have certain criteria that I judge people against – and my criteria are not just the stereotypical gay characteristics. My buddy fits every one of them.

I have actually always given him the benefit of the doubt, but then yesterday he said something that clenched it. He said his biggest fear was that he might do something to get kicked out of the church and hurt his family! I realize that statement could be interpreted in many different ways, but I really think he was referring to acting on his homosexual desires. I say that only because I totally share that same fear! Plus, I just don’t see heterosexual men saying that. I really have a strong argument to support my claim; however, it’s not worth explaining because I doubt anyone cares whether my friend is gay or not. I don’t know why I’m trying to convince you all that he is gay. Who cares?

I guess I’m always judging guys because I hope to find other gay guys whom I can relate to.

By the way, I am so into porn. I really live a double life. No body knows I look at porn OFTEN or that I am gay. I’m sure some might suspect I’m gay, but they really don’t know. It’s really hard sometimes because some of my friends think I am so perfect. I hate it when they think that. If they only knew... What can you do?

Anyhow…I’ve got to run.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Farewell Michelle

Michelle and I are just friends now. It’s official.

We had been hanging out a lot during the month of January, even moving toward a relationship. But just a week and a half ago, I decided to put the brakes on our relationship. I did it for many reasons, but the overriding reason was my complex sexuality situation. She really is a wonderful person, and it’s not fair to drag her into this when I’m still trying to figure things out. I think the world of her and wish her the best. The problem is that I don’t want to marry her – or anyone – until I know how I will deal with my homosexuality. She, on the other hand, is definitely looking for a guy to marry.

Anyhow, I decided it wasn’t fair to her to create a relationship and then break it off after four or five months – which is inevitable considering she graduates in April and I leave for New York at that same time. It would just put her and me through a lot of unnecessary pain. In fact, a friend of mine just told me a week ago that she wishes she had never begun her relationship with her ex-boyfriend because of all the pain it caused her in the end. She has a point. Our relationship wouldn’t have lasted, so why try to have one at all. Better to just be friends…

Though I’ve had many mixed emotions about the whole thing, I mainly feel bad that I never gave her an explanation for slowing the pace. All she knows is that I don’t want a relationship. She probably thinks that I just lost interest, which is true in a SMALL degree. (She may have had similar feelings. Who knows?) In any case, I just got off the phone with her (within the past five minutes), and she said in a very casual way that she would like us to still be friends, despite the recent slowdown. She called to ask me to go on a double date with her this weekend, but I, unfortunately, have plans already. I said we should hang out another time, and she said casually, “Yeah, let’s please still be friends.” She was referring to the situation at hand (i.e., that we should be friends even though I can’t go with her this weekend), but more subtly she was hinting to our overall relationship.

I’m really happy with that outcome. I just wish I had the courage to tell her about my situation. It would provide context for a lot of things that have been happening between us. I just don’t know how one broaches such a subject.

I really don’t worry for Michelle because she has SOOOOOOOOO many guys who like her. I’m flattered that she would even give me the time of day. I’m sure she’ll meet a wonderful guy and live a wonderful life with him. God be with Michelle.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Have I Ever Fallen in Love?

Have I ever been in love with another man? No. Perhaps if I were to have such an experience, I would make up my mind today to live the gay life. I honestly don’t believe love is something I’ll ever have between myself and another guy. Certainly I’ll feel strong feelings of attraction toward many men, but I doubt it will ever be love. I just don’t see how that could ever happen for me in my situation. My feelings for men are much too looks based, and it seems that all the good-looking men in the world are either straight or taken.

Anyhow, that’s my answer to a person who commented on my blog earlier. I wish I did believe in love. I feel like I’m in a bit of a catch-22 because I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with a man, and I don’t know if falling in love with a woman is possible for me either. It’s quite the conundrum.

As of late, a friend and I have been seeing each other quite often (she'’s a girl). Though I love being with her, and wouldn’t mind having a relationship with her, I keep talking myself out of getting into a relationship with her. Every time I move closer to a relationship, I remind myself of how much I really enjoy being single, and how I don’t want to hurt her. She’s really too wonderful to hurt. I also don’t want to get hurt myself.

I tried to explain to her that falling in love is like owning a Porsche. Right now I drive a decent car that gets me from point A to point B. I am happy with it; it serves me well. Of course, having the Porsche would be a lot nicer, faster and more fun, but I would have to sacrifice a LOT more in order to have it. Why put myself out on the line for such a car. Plus, I will be much more concerned about a Porsche than about my current car, meaning I will spend much more time with it – time that I don’t have, quite frankly. And, if I were to ever lose the Porsche, it would be very difficult for me to go back to an ordinary car. Why take that risk. I just don’t know if I need to know what life is like after owning a Porsche – a.k.a. falling in love. I’m content. I love my life as is. I love my friends. Why change things up?