Saturday, August 27, 2005

Flying Out

Living as a transient can certainly be challenging. I have been living out of my suit case for the past week and a half, and I haven't had Internet access during this time. Today I fly to D.C. to begin yet another internship. Someday I'll move on to a permanent career. :)

I've enjoyed reading all the comments, and I intend to respond to them as soon as possible. However, I don't know when I'll have a chance to, so be patient during my time of transition.

Sorry for not replying to those of you who have written me. I will get back to you in the next few weeks.

Monday, August 15, 2005

What's the Deal?

As of late, more people than usual have been asking me about my marriage plans. As a newly returned missionary, it was okay for me to not be interested in marriage. However, now that it’s been nearly 2.5 years, people start expecting guys to settle down and have kids. As you know, I haven’t ever had a serious girlfriend, and when I go on dates, it’s just for fun. People are starting to notice.

Just tonight, one of my mission buddies asked me if I think I’ll ever get married (I told him that I don’t know). The other day, another friend said, “Though I’m not questioning your sexuality, I really don’t understand why you don’t date girls seriously.” (I just laughed.) Even my nieces and nephews are concerned. One of them said last week, “You’re never getting married.” (I told her she’s probably right.) She’s adorable and only 5-years old. Nonetheless, even at her age, she’s very aware of Mormon culture. She knows that I’m unique because I’m not married at my old age of 24. My 10-year-old nephew thinks I need a dog to keep me company because I’m obviously destined to a life of loneliness. (He’s a big animal lover. A dog will cure any problem in his book.) Basically, everyone wants to know what my deal is.

Needless to say, I’m sick of skirting the issue. I’m thinking about letting certain groups of people know about my homosexuality. But I still face the same question: “What purpose will it serve?” Is getting people off my back enough reason to tell them about my sexuality. Doing so will only open another can of worms – probably a much larger and more complex one.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on coming out to other people. What are the main benefits and drawbacks – especially considering my situation specifically.

I’ve created a poll for those who don’t want to leave comments (and for those who do want to leave comments). Please let me know what you think I should do. Is it worth it to come out? Is it worth the awkwardness? Is it worth losing certain friendships? Is it worth the peace of mind? Let me know.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Ode to DS

Time flies when you’re busy! Shaiza! It’s been a while since I posted.

Quick update:

I graduated from college (yippee).

I’m still in Provo, but looking to move elsewhere at the end of the month.

I’m still gay (actually, that’s debatable – I’ll explain later).

Sometimes I hate how I use this site as a confession forum, but it’s so nice to get things off my chest. First, I have been pretty wrapped up in the porn as of late. Disappointing, but I’m past feeling. I don’t really care anymore.

Second, I know this guy (whom I just met a month or so ago), and I really wish he were gay. I’d date him in a heartbeat. His initials are DS. Sometimes, I think there’s a chance that he might be gay, but he’s really spiritual and into the church (of course, being spiritual and being gay are not mutually exclusive, but his love for the church makes me think he’s not into guys). He just got off his mission six months ago. He’s very attractive, but also just an amazing person.

A few gay signs I’ve noticed: (1) he doesn’t really talk about girls he’s interested in, (2) he’s a great dresser, (3) he seemed concerned when I said I’d be leaving the state at the end of the month, (4) he wants to go on a road trip with me (but who doesn’t), (5) one of his good friends is a closeted homosexual (that’s my opinion), and (6) he has quite a few girl best friends (like me).

I realize a lot of those signs are just stereotypical bullcrap; nonetheless, I cling to them. :) Anyhow, those are my most recent homo feelings.

As for the comment earlier that it’s debatable whether I’m gay or not, let me explain. I read the following paragraph in a book review published by FAIR. The review is for a book called “In Quiet Desperation” about two homosexual Mormon guys. This is the paragraph I was intrigued by:

“… the term "gay" often indicates a "homosexual identity." Gay signifies a label, most often a social and political label based upon an individual's attractions as demonstrated by their sexual behaviors. Emotional affiliation and bonding with same-sex peers most notably seen in the closeness of transescent [sic] peer groups (where boys band together) is normal and healthy. It is when such attractions are eroticized that they become problematic for many individuals.”

I guess I’m not technically gay then. I’m just “homosexually oriented” according to their definition. Interesting.

Anyhow, I hope you all are doing well. Drop a comment sometime to say, “Hello.”