Thursday, April 26, 2007

Clearly I'm the one who's full of shit ...

Thank you all for your comments! I was very touched by your comments and by the fact that several of you still check this site on occasion. I wish I weren't so unpredictable with my posts these days.

Anyhow, I want to address a few comments and then give a little update.

So, Playasinmar pointed out that I said the following in one of my first posts: "I was not born a homosexual; rather, certain events in my life led to my current situation (I know this for sure)."

Isn't that funny? Clearly I have become "less sure" on that point. Ha! I'm glad he pointed out my obvious hypocrisy. I've thought about this, and I realize that I have started believing that my sexuality is more biological / genetic than environmental.

Am I being brainwashed by the gay community? Am I looking for justification? Am I manipulating reality? I'm not really upset that I have changed my mind -- just genuinely surprised that I am flip flopping on this. I thought I was less wishy washy ... apparently not. ;)

I guess I used to feel that my fascination with boobies in or around the 2nd and 3rd grades was evidence of being born straight. I have since reconsidered. I also realized that I ignored other earlier signs of my homoness.

Without giving too many details, I do remember some homo moments with a boy my age when I was probably in the 1st grade or so. It was nothing serious or anything, but I think I chalked those up to “childhood experimentation” -- which they were, but which can't be ignored if I'm going to consider boob attraction as evidence of straightness.

Anyhow, interesting. It just goes to show how memories can be manipulated. As I get older, I'm sure of fewer things – that’s for sure.

Second comment -- Beck, I don't remember saying you're full of shit, but, as evidenced above, I don't remember things well. Ha! Can I write that off as a PMS moment?

And, now, my update:

I told my remaining two siblings. I approached them over Easter and confirmed to them what they had already suspected. It's never a comfortable conversation, and I really don't know how they feel about things, but it’s nice to have it over with. My sister just said she felt bad for me because of the complications it adds to life. (It was really nice to hear her express some sympathy because she had been pretty beotchy about the topic in previous conversations.)

My other brother didn't say a thing. Just nodded a lot while his wife talked. I guess that means he doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't agree with my decision, so what can he say? I don't know.

I haven't heard from either sibling since telling them. This was three weeks ago. I figure they'll need some time to deal, so I haven't tried contacting them. I should give them a call before too much time passes.

I just have mom left to tell ...

I hope/pray she will be ready for the news. She's just so fragile and takes things so personally.

Well, there's the update.

Hope all is well with you.


Monday, April 02, 2007


I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a long while because 1) I feel this blog has served its purpose, 2) I've been busy, and 3) a lot of people who know me personally know about this site. The anonymity is wearing thin, which makes being candid more difficult, which makes blogging less fun. Nonetheless, I figure I need to get over the last one because this blog really gets to the heart of me, so I shouldn't be afraid for people to read it. And I shouldn't be afraid of complete honesty.

Why is it that I'm so comfortable with strangers reading this, but not friends. I'm -- and I suspect many of you are -- so weird that way.

Quick update: Life is good. :) I'm just working and playing. I had a recent crush that totally put me through it, but I'm trying to move onward and upward. He lives 3000 miles away, and he's just not that into me. He's just so damn HOT! Grrr. I hate that I'm superficial. (And, yes, I will own my superficialness. For better or for worse, I only want to date people to whom I have physical attraction -- in addition to personality attraction, emotional attraction, etc. This is a response to a comment about my superficialness.)

I have several emails that I just checked for the first time in three months. Forgive me for not responding earlier. I will try to get to them in the next few weeks.

One commenter asked: "Early in your posts you refer to an 'event' that led you to become gay. What was this event? What are your current thoughts as to the source of being gay?"

Hmmm. I don't remember mentioning any event. I'd have to read my post to see the context.

I honestly don't know why I'm gay. I've said that from the beginning, and I still say that. It could be genetic or biological, or it could be environmental. I still haven't ruled out the latter (which I'm sure horrifies many gay rights people ... sorry). I haven't ruled it out because I remember several occasions when I was aroused by looking at boobies in nudy magazines. This was back in the third and fourth grades -- pre-pubescent.

Yes, I agree that my reaction to boobies in third and fourth grade is very inconclusive evidence of environmental causation. But I do find it interesting. My first "gay" memories began in 5th grade. I remember being attracted to the new boy in class and wanting to get to know him and be his friend. It was all down the gay hill from there. :) I really don't remember being very attracted to women after 5th and 6th grades.

Anyhow, I guess I'd say it's probably a combo of both. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I'm attracted to men and I want to be with men. And I will act accordingly. :)

That said, I have realized more than ever in the past year that sexuality isn't everything. I've always believed this, but it keeps popping up as a huge truism in life. I believe the gay community -- for better or for worse -- blows sexuality out of proportion. Sexuality is definitely important and relevant, but there's a whole lot more to life than sexuality.

Whenever I find myself dwelling on my sexuality and my love for men and my desire to have a boyfriend or be with a guy, I find myself less happy. This is true for all things in my life -- I am not happy when I dwell on any one thing too much. I need balance, and I have to work to have that balance. It's huge.

Anyhow, hope all is well with the few people who still check this.