Saturday, October 06, 2007

Druggy McDruggerson

I'm not giving up on the question. The rhetorical question, that is. I've realized recently that I always avoid using rhetorical questions in my writing because that's what I was taught to do. I'm now changing my mind - because that's what people do ... we change our minds. I'm using rhetorical questions going forward. Is it such a bad thing, really?

See! It flows. That's my soapbox for right now. I was just thinking about that randomly before I logged on. Anyhow ...

So I have been "out" for nearly two years now, and I must say that my life is good. In the past two years, I've experienced a lot in the gay world: Pride parades, Folsom street fairs, hookups, clubs, alcohol, drag queens, etc. But one aspect of gaydom that I've always avoided is drugs. Now I don't judge - or at least I try not to - because I have some friends who like some coke from time to time. People can live however they want, and I respect that.

Nonetheless, for me and for myself, I've chosen not to get involved. I might be naive and silly, but drugs are scary to me. (I feel like a 5th grader saying that. ha!) They really are. Additionally, I see them as a destructive influence in people's lives, and I really don't feel like I need them. I get enough pleasure and enjoyment from life and from the legal drugs -- namely, alcohol.

Yet, drug use is pretty prevalent in the gay world. I've been really fortunate in that most of my friends don't do any drugs. However, one of my closest friends loves coke, and he does it fairly often. He usually reserves his coke usage for weekends, which I guess is better than daily use. Like I said before, people are free to live their lives how they want, and I'm going to love him regardless.

I just get so frustrated when he tries to involve me. He used to just do it behind my back -- which I preferred -- but for the past two weekends he's been doing it openly and in front of me. Last weekend he asked me to drive him to his dealer (I hate that he has a dealer), and at first I was going along with it. Then half way into the ride, I just snapped. Something hit me and I realized that I was just too close and too involved. I don't like his coke usage, and I don't want him to do it, and I don't want him to think I support him. So right then, in the middle of the intersection of the Tenderloin, I flipped a U-turn and told him I wasn't going to take him.

I just don't want to support him in it. Am I a terrible friend? My little rebellion did no good -- he still got the coke. And he will always get his cocaine, regardless of what I do.

I just refuse to be a part of it, and he gets pissed because of it. He makes me feel like a bad friend and I hate it. I hate that I feel bad about not driving him to his dealer. I hate that he trash talks me to his best friend (whom I adore) because I don't just drive him to his dealer.

I told him he just needs to plan ahead and get his coke before we go out. Obviously I can't stop him from getting or using it, but he can at least keep me out of it.

Alright. Going to bed. I just wanted to vent. Why do so many gay men do drugs? Grrr.